What do you wish you'd known before you got pregnant/had children?

[Pippaandpolly]

This is a little bit a shameless plug for my blog but mostly a request for help from more experienced mums. I blogged this morning about things that noone tells you (or that I didn't know, at least) before I got pregnant:

pippaandpolly.wordpress.com/

Two of my close friends are currently pregnant and I've been thinking for a while about writing them a sort of survival guide - tongue firmly in cheek but with some sensible advice in there too, including something along the lines of ignore all advice! My blog post forms the basics I think but I've been thinking all day about other things I've forgotten. I wondered whether the collective wisdom of Mumsnet might help! So, as per the title, my question is, what thing/s do you wish you'd known before you got pregnant/had children?

Thanks in advance :)

Opt for as many drugs as humanly possible for the birth (I went all au natural and regretted it as I couldn't get to the hospital quickly enough to have anything but gas and air) if I could have got hold of a gun, I'd have shot myself to get rid of the pain - this might not be that helpful :)

After, said birth, you will leak from every orifice possible, I remember sat in the bath, crying with my boobs killing me, I had a cold so my nose was all snotty and I hadn't had my stiches out - I felt VERY sorry for myself.

Don't wish for the next stage (sitting, rolling over, walking, talking etc), enjoy them for what they are - it's over all too quickly

The answer to the question 'why', is simply 'because I said so' :)

If you get really really tired, you can fall asleep with food in your mouth.

And that caesareans aren't just a nice way to avoid damaging your fanjo, they can be horrible scary things where you get knocked out at a moments notice and it all turns into an episode of ER.

That you will worry about this person for the rest of your living days

Babies don't need much for the first 3 months:
food when they want it
loads of holding
clean and warm
someone to smile at

There are large stretches of time with a newborn where you are doing very little. Be prepared to be loved up and bored. And to simultaneously not have the will or the energy to do anything at all. Or to try to do something and mysteriously not be able to, even though the baby has slept for 3 hours straight. It's a weird time, don't let it get to you

I'd just like to counter all the "babies being in the easy bit" talk. OK, DD is only 23 months so it will probably get harder again, but I'd say the first 6 months were a million times harder than I thought, and I wish I'd known that it would get easier / more fun, which it did!

... That your baby might wat to breastfeed almost constantly from 4pm - 10pm, and the HV will tell you it's normal (they don't advertise that bit when promoting breastfeeding!)

...That expressing milk so DH can be involved and you can have a break / go out isn't that simple. Expressing is a slow process, it's the last thing you'll want to bother doing beween breastfeeds even if you do have time, and if your baby decides not to take a bottle, they cn be pretty stubborn.

That you don't get sick elave from being a mum (OK, I knew that, but hadn't really considered the implications!)

That milestone charts, "what to expect month by month" books etc are the work of the devil and designed to make you completely insecure.

I started this thread to get thoughts and advice for my friends as I said but the more I read the more I realise just how little I know myself-argh!

That babies have a very good chance of surviving without suffering much (or even any) damage from about 27 weeks onwards. When I had a bleed at 28 weeks, my world ended as I thought I'm losing my baby. At the hospital they said they might have to get her out that weekend and when I, without any hope, asked what chance of surviving she'd have, the doc said You're 28 weeks? She'll be fine! (I realize he wanted to cheer me up and not all babies will be fine at that gestational age)- I was relieved beyond belief. She was born at 29 weeks, and apart from a fairly mild case of cerebral palsy, is absolutely fine!
That you are likely to poo yourself while giving birth.
That quark wraps are amazing for getting rid of mastitis, smear it on your boob, wrap a muslin cloth around it and pull your feeding bra over it all. I've avoided antibiotics three times that way.

I wish someone had told me that if you have to take antibiotics while breastfeeding, you should drink a pro-biotic yoghurt drink every day to help prevent thrush.

Great thread. It definitely depends on the person. I wish with my first I had realised how fast the baby bit would go, and cherished it a bit more instead of moaning.

Also, when new to parenting it's important to know that the 'advice'/rules sometimes need to be ignored. If you can't breastfeed, you child will flourish beautifully with formula. If you don't manage to get 5 different veg down them in a day, they wont drop down dead. There is far too much pressure on parents to do everything right. Children are flexible, all they really need is love and lots of patience.

You will gets lots of well-meaning advice from all sorts of places, and some is definitely worth listening too! But don't feel pressured by it and don't compare yourself to other mums and babies. We're already under enough pressure to be good mums, but we're all far from being perfect!

Babies are huge blessings, but it is jolly hard going and a really big life-changer.

3 hours between feeds does not mean you get to feed for 5 minutes and then have 3 hours off... Breastfeeding can take aaaages especially with a newborn, but is well worth the time and hard work if you can do it.

Being a mom really is a fulltime job!!

I love that the advice on here is a mix of the truly practical (pro-biotics to avoid thrush) and the 'big emotional issue' covering (full time job). I think every new mum should be told to have a look at Mumsnet by their midwife/HV, I really do.

I'm another one who doesn't think the 'baby stage' is the easy bit! DD is 16 months now and really she just didn't like being a baby - now she's toddling about and chattering away she's like a different child. Our household is a much happier place to be.

Breast feeding comes naturally and pain free if you're lucky (straw poll from 'new mum' friends made since I had DD).

If someone says "the baby will sleep when they're tired", you have permission to slap them in the face with a vom covered muslin. Some babies need help to sleep. Likewise people using the phrase "rod for your own back". If they want to come and placate your screaming baby at 3am, by all means welcome them to spend the night, otherwise, just smile at them and take the baby into bed with you if that's what gets you all a good night's sleep.

In the early weeks/months I felt I was about a minute behind what was going on in the rest of the world. Just a bit out of sync really, and everything felt very fuggy. The tiredness is accumulative, you can't even say "oh, I'll have an early night/lie in tomorrow". Try and share the night wakings with DH if you can - get them to do at least one or two nights a week and use earplugs.

You will think you can hear the baby crying when you are grabbing a quick 3 minute shower - a whole 180 seconds to yourself. You get out covered in soap. They are fast asleep in cot. You get back into shower. Repeat.

There is a broad spectrum of "expert advice" from Put Your Baby Down to Nap at 9am Regardless of Whether They Are Tired or Not at one end of the scale to Wear Your Baby in A Sling at All Times and Never Put Them Down For Fear They Will Have Anxiety Issues Until They're 80. Your baby will more than likely fit in somewhere in the middle if you are lucky.

Trust yourself, time will give you the confidence to do this, but I found it incredibly difficult to ignore books/HV/my mum and made myself ill with worry.

Selective memory is a wonderful thing - your mum will swear you were sitting up at 3 months, crawling at 6 months, walking at 9 months and forming sentences at a year. Ignore.

Do what works for you/DH/Baby. If this is BF until they're 4 do it. If it's FF from day 1 do it. You are incredibly lucky to be living in a first world country where you have the choice.

That it doesn't get easier, the challenges just change
That the worry when they are very ill is imense
That for the first time in your life you are truly happy to come second.

That all the responsibility to make decisions is on you most of the time. From sickness to discipline problems you have to work out how to deal with it all. No-one else can make them for you. When they get older you have to deal with them complaining about your decision making and putting in their own opinion which you have to accomodate as much as possible.

That sometimes you won't want to make the decisions anymore, but you don't have the choice to let go for years (and you have to decide when, where and how).

That your own house at 3am with a screaming baby and a sleeping world around you is one of the loneliest places in the world to be.

That your kids will want to kiss you with snotty noses, mouths full of food and sticky fingers and you won't even blink (well maybe a little tiny shudder).

That there are some horrendous competitive, snippy and grumpy mums out there and the best way to deal with them is literally or metaphorically putting your fingers in your ears and going lalalalalalala. Keep repeating to yourself 'Every child is different and develop at different rates'

That finding out other children's reading levels can be all-consuming to a certain type of pushy mum, but they are the best to play 'Pushy Mum Bingo' with.

That children are a huge amount of fun and you can do all sorts of fun things like leaf kicking, puddlejumping, holding them upside down and lowering them into the freezer to choose food for tea and building them Sulky Tents out of airers/blankets for them to sulk in.

That having a DD doesn't mean you are excused from knowing every plot twist in star wars or every alien in Dr Who

• That the first 6 weeks isn't necessarily a nightmare. Nor is the first 6 months, or the second 6 months, or the second year... You may get lucky on one, another, or all of these periods of time. (I say this having got very lucky in the early days with one DC who is now MUCH harder work and and unlucky in the early days with another DC who I'm hoping is going to get much easier eventually! The point is, don't assume that what other people tell you will happen will actually happen...)

• Some babies sleep a LOT more than the books tell you. Others sleep a LOT less than the books tell you. This is totally NORMAL. 'Your baby can only stay awake for 2 hours at a time' is possibly the stupidest lie ever told.

• Most things are totally NORMAL in fact. Come on Mumsnet to reassure yourself, but expect to be told that everything and anything you're worried about / despairing about is totally NORMAL.

• That babies are quite boring. Cuddling them for hours on end is lovely, but best enjoyed alongside a good book / box set / mumsnet. Be prepared for this and make the most of it before they get chatty and demanding and don't let you have any time for yourself!. And don't feel guilty about not spending all your time gazing fondly at your DC.

• That BFing is both nice and convenient if it works for you but it is really not the be-all-and-end-all. Don't get stressed out if it doesn't work out and don't put yourself through hell to try and make it work. The fact you're the kind of mum who worries about this issue for even a second proves you're doing everything you can for your baby much more than BFing for XX weeks/months/years ever could.

• That you're best off returning 90% of the baby clothes you get given on the birth of your first DC and exchanging them for bigger sizes that you'll get much more wear out of!

• That your child will challenge you in every way possible but you'll also be watching someone learn at a mindboggling pace and it is amazing and really quite inspiring.

fucking catholics - they're all nuts.

confidence - raising children is effortless if you feel like you know what you're doing.

If you get on with your mother or grandmother then have them move in or near you when the baby is young - there is nothing like that 'oh well, never mind' encouragement to make you feel better.

IGNORE government advice. it is all bullshit - from vaccines to lying baby on his back to no honey before 1 yr to no runny egg for mum...its all bullshit.

Don't let the midwives and doctors make you feel like you're not in control of your pregnancy.

You will slap your child. Don't feel guilty, our generation is very sick and i would always view any trend it spews out with a critical eye. beating kids is clearly wrong and they shouldn't be scared of you however there is a very natural response to slap them on the bum or hand that only occurs when you're dealing with children. They are physical beings and, as much as many new age mums would have us believe, cannot (perhaps even should not) be reasoned with until they're at least 5.

Eat well. If you fuck up everything else make sure you and your children eat well. rich, organic, nutritious, wholegrain, full fat food - everything else will figure itself out.

Yes I said full fat. If you don't give your children good oils, butter, fatty meat and whole milk they're fucked. its a simple rule.

That unless you are very well off indeed your career will most likely be fucked.

That you will be judged, mercilessly, whatever you do/do not do.

That your baby is as likely to thrive on formula as breast milk. And that you shouldn't feel guilty whichever path you choose on that front.

Always TRY to breastfeed - if you can't, you can't. If you're not prepared to even give it a go you shouldn't be having kids at all! since from day one its nothing but a journey of self sacrifice!

Reading list for expectant parents:

Nourishing Traditions - Sally Fallon (Vital information if you want to be healthy during pregnancy and includes a recipe for homemade formula!)

Childbirth without fear, Grantly Dick-Read - A Timeless Classic.

Vaccines: are they really safe and effective? - N.Z. Miller (All responsible parents should look into this subject...and i don't mean spending 5 minutes on a government website. I mean actual reading of books)

How to raise a healthy child in spite of your doctor - Mendelsohn.

Birth plans are pointless - what happens, happens. It will most likely not resemble anything you planned. It does end though! eventually

The worry starts as soon as you're pregnant ...and doesn't stop! Try to feel confident that you are doing the right thing for you and throw the books away. Well some of them anyway!

Sleepless nights are debilitating and you wonder how you managed to function on some days. This doesn't compare to what you thought tiredness was, pre-baby. Not all babies sleep through when you are still counting their age in weeks. BUT, it is amazing what you can do on little or no sleep. A spoonful of sugar in your morning cuppa works a treat!

Get out as much as possible. It doesn't seem easy at the time but coffee with a friend and your 3mth old is a damn sight easier than coffee with your friend plus your 18mth old!

Your pre-conceived ideas of parenting go out of the window. Things you vowed you wouldn't do when you were naive and had no kids become your friend, whether it's a dummy, watching cbeebies or cuddling to sleep. You do what you have to, to get through the difficult bits!

The love you feel for that pink, wrinkly bundle just grows and grows. You will find yourself wondering what the heck you did with all your free time, pre-baby. Oh and be prepared that the phrase "I'm just going to pop to..." becomes obsolete. You can't 'pop' anywhere!!

It's utterly fab.

It will push your relationship with your DP right to it's very limits.

The baby part is the easy bit but it is likely to feel like the hardest.

If you feel like you're struggling, don't put a brave face on, ask for help!

Its not fab, its not wonderful its not fulfilling, stupendous or any other excessively positive adjective we feel obliged to use so we don't look like the cold hearted witches we really are.

Men don't ever consider if parenthood is anything - it just is.

Children come along and most of us feel an overwhelming bond to them to protect, feed and teach them. Its mostly just another reason to get out of bed in the morning and sometimes those mornings lead into good days and sometimes bad days...but its always better than a day with no reason to live.

be prepared to totally go a different way with parenting than what you anticipated!co sleeping is a great way to sleep with a velcro baby (or toddler!). That putting cbeebies on for 10 minutes so you can put washing in/have a cup of tea isnt a crime! The baby stage is a doddle in comparison to a stubborn 2.6 yo! Don't be afraid to ask for help, parenting is hard! And most of all enjoy each stage, the hard bits pass and tbh its great fun watching your dc grow and develop from scrunched up new born to little person!

Trust your body, trust your baby, trust your own instincts as to how to parent.

The way you love your own child can be terrifying. Nothing prepares you for it.

Each to their own Clarrykitten. I think it ^is^ fab and happen to disagree with much of what you say. We all have different reasons for saying what we do. Life would be dull otherwise.