When does it get easier with 2? I cant cope anymore.

[KellyKettle]

I have a DD1 who will be 3 in January and a 6 week old DD2.

I am bf both of them and cosleep. I have been nightweaning DD1 for the last two weeks with some success. She's gone from asking to feed 5-7 times a night (more than newborn) to waking once at about 4am. I still refuse to feed her at 4am but she screams, kicks, hits me.

At the moment DH is working away so I am staying with my parents for help with the evenings. DD2 cries all bloody night. Last night she didn't settle until 2:30am and then DD1 started screaming for milk at 5am.

I just can't do it anymore. When we're here my mum helps with me DD2 at night, taking turns to rock her but I am alone in the day with the DDs and I am going insane.

The alternative is to go home to my house, see friends in the day but deal with the DDs alone in the night/evenings.

I tried to have a nap with DD2 yesterday and put some cartoons on for DD1. She kicked me in the back and tried to hit DD2.

I haven't stopped crying since I got up this morning.

shitmagnet yes you're probably right. I am finding it so hard to be around DD1 right now that when I get a chance, I have time away from her.

I had friends who'd tandem fed and it all seemed rosy but the reality of it is awful. I feel completely touched out.

Having said that DD1 woke for the day at 8am and forgot to ask for milk so so far today we've avoided it.

No, no naughty step but I'm not sure how to go about it. I wish DH was home.

My sister uses time out with my nephew and it doesn't seem to work. He just wanders back in.

Time out and naughty step are the same thing?

Oh I did buy "Raising your spirited child" for techniques on handling DD but I'm too bloody tired to read it.

Oh and HV suggested I speak to GP about my low mood.

I'm not sure if it's unexpectedly low or just induced by lack of sleep etc.

Where is DH?

Naughty step in our house goes like this:

DS throws a toy.

DS please do not throw.

Does it again then I warn him if he does not stop the he will go on naughty step.

If he does it again I put him on the step and say you are here because you threw the toy and walk away.

If he gets off I put him back saying nothing if it happens 50 times so be it.

I don't do two mins though more like 30 seconds (of quite time) but only as I feel longer for my DS just turns into too much for him and he has understood by this point.

Mines an adapted version, but can't really see a downside to the naughty step here

I have found two incredibly difficult.

If I were you I would go back home because, although no sleep is absolutely horrendous, I find days with nothing to do in them much, much worse.

Hope things improve whatever you decide.

I think time out and naughty step are similar techniques but time out of American origin??

Toy sin bin is next on my list but I'm a bit anal but you need a clear box so they can see their toys inside and need to buy one.

DH is in Scotland until Saturday. I'm going to ask him to take a couple of weeks off work.

I've just spoken to my lovely midwife who is going to come round now. She's concerned about PND & is going to call my GP.

I'm going to do time out and think about fully weaning DD. I may post on bf board about weaning. Hope I don't get flamed.

I think you're right plantsitter home would be better. I suppose all the disruption fit DD1 doesn't help.

Thanks shitmagnet I just feel like I can't see the wood for the trees. It seems like it's never going to end.

I don't think for a second you'll be flamed for weaning DD1, not even on the BF/FF board.

You've done a spectacular job to get to 3 years with her, but clearly it's not working out any more and you shouldn't be feeling like this. It's not fair on any of you.

It will be hard in the short term, I am sure, but in the long term it might mean that life is much easier. Definitely a good idea to see the MW and GP now rather than waiting a fortnight for the HV, you can't go on feeling like this for another two weeks without any support being put in place.

It's good that you're getting checked out for PND. If you're dealing with that on top of everything else then it'll just be too big a mountain to climb. I think it's a very good idea for you to ask your DH to take some time off work - do you think he'll be ok with that? His presence might be just what you need to get back on your feet and start afresh.

I don't think anyone is going to flame you for wanting to wean DD1 - three years of bfing is excellent and now that it's not working anymore it's time to stop.

WRT time out - it doesn't work for your sister because she isn't doing it right. You need to set a time that the child has to spend in time out and keep putting them back until they spend all of that time there in one go. Not easy, so that's why you need someone else around.

Thank you everyone, especially for the supportive advice and kind words. I have been holding back from starting this thread for a couple of days because it all seemed a bit obvious to me what the problem was.

DD2 is now sleeping in the sling and I am about to play farm with DD1.

I think DH will be ok about taking time off. His boss may not be however. He's not a sympathetic man.

Just to give you some hope, the jealousy does get easier. When DS2 was born in May I had maybe three months of really difficult behaviour from DS1 and since then it's been getting gradually easier. I'd just say be firm, be kind and be consistent. And don't take any sh*t. You're mum and what you say goes, regardless of whether you feel sorry for DD1 being usurped by the baby. Soon enough she'll forget what it was like to be your only one and then things will start to get better. Good luck

Thanks Juneau.

She has been brilliant today. I played with her while DD1 slept in the sling. Then mum came home so I had two hours in bed which was wonderful. Then DD1 and I wrote a letter to Father Christmas together. It's been much calmer although I'm dreading tonight.

DD2 is asleep right now but we'll see...

Hello,
cautiously adding to this thread, I know it is a contentious subject, so please don't take this the wrong way.
I am totally supportive of BF'ing as late as you want, but breastfeeding two children (especially if one is three) would be hard on anyone, and an impossibility for most people. I do know that some people can do it, but perhaps it is time to think about it again?
I know that giving up was the hardest thing I had to do (the closest to post natal depression that I got was in the few weeks after giving up bf'ing both dd's), but personally I couldn't have coped with two. A month after giving up, I suddenly had SUCH a surge of energy, it was so liberating. My brain came back to life (and my figure too which was a bonus, only if it made me feel a bit better about myself!) -- I know this isn't the same for everyone, and I only breastfed for 14 months, but maybe it would make all the difference if you are really starting to feel like you can't cope?
However if you are determined to continue, then ignore me entirely and I think you are wonderfully brave!

sorry, I somehow missed seeing the whole second page of this thread
x

Thanks ThirtySomething I think I was a bit naive about feeding two. I guess it's easier if one doesn't have colic/reflux/whatever it is making DD2 unsettled. Also if you have support in the day. Its just too hard alone.

DD1 has had 2 little feeds today which is an improvement but also much less screaming and demanding of milk. She's asked for it nicely - I've insisted.

Hi there Kelly, I was also bf my 3 year old ds and stopped just before ds2 was born. He (the older one) did get very naughty when I was bf ds2 and it was really hard. I found it really helped him going to preschool, we also (sometimes still) all co-sleep and it is so hard trying to just cuddle them both... I agree those people who say about 'tandem nursing' I have no idea how they can do it for long. Anyway hope it all sorts out for you. It will be better I'm sure in the next few weeks, just think your dh may be around a bit, then Christmas, then preschool starting, lots to think about but all supportive.

Thanks pinkponcho

DD1 went to be just after 8 and slept until 7:45am. She stirred at 6:30am and said "not milk, cuddles" and snuggled in to me so the day started better today.

DD1 didn't have a colicky-fit last night just an hour of being awake and wanting to look around from 2-3am.

Today DD1 has been much better, still testing boundaries I suppose but I'm not backing down anymore and she's learning which is great.

It's getting dark now though and DH has had to go into the office for a few hours so I'm feeling quite anxious on my own with the girls. I've spoken to two friends who've said that's what PND felt like for them. Anxiety and unable to cope, feeling frightened. One said that ADs helped that feeling to go and so I feel more positive that perhaps some of my inability to manage is PND and when I see my GP on Monday I might get some help with that.

Hi Kelly

Just wanted to say it is tough, dd is 3.6 and ds is 11 weeks. I've always wondered how on earth it works with two kids and tbh I still don't know I haven't got into any routine, dd has terrible sleep for the last year and am bf ds.

Sorry no advice, just saying you are not alone, not sure that helps though

hi there,

I have a 3 yr old (birthday yesterday!) and a 4 month old. I co-sleep with both of them. Ds1 self weaned at 2.3 - really suprising as he was a boob monster but now so glad he did wean as I can't imagine feeding 2.

I am also finding it really hard and relate to you saying about not wanting to spend time with dd1 - really relieved to read that as the guilt I have felt at just wanting to spend time alone with ds2. Have cried a lot as the dynamics of our little family have changed.

ds1 has been a trooper - he has been told off more in the last few months than ever before but things are starting to settle a bit now - my mood and how well i'm coping most definitely affects ds1s behaviour. I have found natural consequences the most successful way of dealing with horrible behaviour.

I think ds1 loves his baby brother - least he tells me he does. As ds2 gets bigger and more robust I have felt that panicky gut clenching feeling when ds1 bounds over to 'cuddle' the baby has lessened.

hmm. no advice really just know how you are feeling. You are doing so well. I cry at least once every day. It gets so overwhelming.

all the best xxx

Hi, I really wanted to reply to this because I have 2 boys, aged 3yrs5mths and 14 mths and I have found it so hard having 2. I found it hard having 1 but felt like I couldn't cope with 2 and wanted to go to the GP and ask for antidepressants a couple of times. I felt like none of my family understood, my husband didn't want to accept I wasn't coping and my mum suggested putting my youngest into nursery which financially we couldn't afford. ANyway what I really wanted to say is that it does get easier. My eldest now goes to pre-school for 4 sessions a week which helps keep me sane and my youngest has moved out of the putting everything in his mouth stage so I can quickly run upstairs to get something and leave him on his own for a minute. Up until his 1st birthday I either cried every day or felt like bursting into tears every day but now, even though it's still hard, I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I think in the next few months they will start to play more together.
I think it's been really hard on us as a couple aswell because we both just have no time for ourselves anymore and every time we go out we usually take one of them because the other person doesn't want to be left with the two of them. I think as soon as you start to get more sleep you will find it easier and once your eldest starts pre-school that will be your lifesaver. Hang on in there x