Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to survive a mums and babies group

41 replies

shygirlinthecorner · 22/11/2011 14:20

I want to enjoy the mums and babies group I go to, I really do, but I find it really hard to make small talk. i'd really love to make some friends with babies, but just not sure how. I find my eyes glazing over talking the same things with everyone, i.e does my baby sleep, how old is she etc. etc. The conversations are so mundane, and I'm not sure how to turn small talk into something more interesting. Other mums seem to turn up and immediatly get chatting to everyone in the room, but I've been going a few weeks and there are still some people Ive not said more than a hello to. How do you survive these things? I really want to keep going in the hope that if I go long enough I'll start making friends, but i'm a bit worried I'm going to end up as being the freaky shy girl in the corner who never talks to anyone! Help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Flisspaps · 22/11/2011 14:33

I have no advice. I've never been to one nor do I have any intention of going.

I can't imagine anything worse than sitting with a bunch of people where the only thing you know you have in common is that you have children.

If after several weeks people aren't making an effort to engage you into the group, I wouldn't bother.

WhatIsPi · 22/11/2011 14:36

Maybe you are coming across as a bit aloof - you do sound as if you think they are all beneath you tbh. You need to make the small talk to start with and then you can move onto other stuff - noone launches into the state of the economy on first meeting.

Try another one - you're bound to meet someone you get on with eventually.

MardyBra · 22/11/2011 14:36

You could try an organised activity - baby massage or a music group. Then you'd have something to focus on and you could talk around the activity. It's like going bowling in a first date rather than a long dinner, so you've got something to do!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

FoxyRevenger · 22/11/2011 14:51

I used to find them quite difficult too; I'd be sweating with the tension of trying to keep a conversation going!

Mardy has a good suggestion. We went to Baby Sensory so we had activities to focus on, and there was a break in the middle so we had about 15 minutes just to chat and play, which I found just about enough!

diyqueen · 22/11/2011 17:16

Perhaps try a different group if there are any others in your area. I struggled at one of my local ones as I just didn't fit in but then changed to one at another children's centre a couple of miles away and really enjoy it. The first one was quite intimidating as the other mums were in a 'clique' who all already seemed to know each other. I agree with choosing an activity-based one to meet more like-minded people, we've met some lovely mums through breastfeeding and sling-wearing groups, if that's not your thing then there are loads of other types of groups out there as MardyBra mentioned.

TheCountessOlenska · 22/11/2011 21:13

Agree with diyqueen, try as many different groups as you can - they can be very different.

I found baby groups with other first time mums quite hard work for the reasons you mention - I have found toddler groups with people who are on to DC number 2, 3,4 much less baby-obsessed - the novelty has worn off and people let their kids run around while chatting of other things!

Chandeleria · 22/11/2011 21:53

My local baby group has been my saviour in a new town, and now after going every week for about 2 years I am one of the mums you mentioned who can just walk in and get talking to anyone in the room.

I think to a certain extent you have to put in the hours, be seen, have the boring 'how old is she?' conversations and as time goes on you will gradually build up genuine friendships.
I spend hardly any of my time at baby group actually discussing my DDs anymore, its just a nice place to have them play whilst I chat to my new friends and make plans with them for other get togethers in the week. But, back when I was the new face I spent weeks/months having boring conversations about weaning and nappies and so on.

As long as people are friendly, keep going, you will start to become one of the regulars that people recognise and you will probably find friends there. I made sure to volunteer for everything that they mentioned, craft table etc, so that I had the chance to speak to more people too. I now feel like I have a link into my community and its really helped me settle into the new area.

cookingfat · 22/11/2011 22:17

Thought it was just me - will keep plodding on!

butterflyexperience · 22/11/2011 23:56

Have to admit I always found baby section hard
But the toddler section easier
Also the more you go the more ppl will get to know you and used to you which make convo easier

ClarryKitten · 24/11/2011 13:24

fuck 'em. They are dull. Stick babs into a creche and join a discussion group or go to the theatre.

p.s you don't HAVE to go. you don't HAVE to have friends who have children.

smearedinfood · 24/11/2011 13:43

I found asking people what they did before "this" became their full time job a good starter.

But then I went to lots and jabbered on about a range of stuff until some one popped up with a response.

But some groups I just "didn't feel it". Took a days leave to take DS to a new one and couldn't believe mums weren't speaking to each other.. won't be going back there. Also saw a mother smack a baby but that's a whole other thread...

Janoschi · 24/11/2011 15:41

I'm with ClarryKitten. Bloody dull and frankly, if it's such an effort, why bother doing it? Some folk fit in, others would rather have their toenails removed. If it was any other situation, would you really persevere this much in an environment that fills you with worry and stress? I don't have any friends nearby with babies and it's really no biggie. I take my 6 month old DD into loads of interesting places (museums, galleries, forests, petting farms etc) and everyone comments on what a sociable, outgoing wee creature she is, so it obviously makes no odds whether she's in a group or not. Personally I wouldn't want to take her into a situation I don't also enjoy as I'm sure she can pick up the vibes of an unhappy mother. Why not join a walking group or something instead?

attheendoftheday · 24/11/2011 15:45

I agree with having to put in the hours - I felt uncomfortable at first and a bit unwelcome, but after a couple of months it got better. Just stick through the rubbish smalltalk bit, keep a couple of stock questions ready for when things are flagging - have you had a good week? read any good books? are you going back to work? that sort of thing.

Compliment other people's babies profusely - what a great smile, hasn't he got a lot of hair, what a great pair of dungarees etc. It will make people warm to you!

Try to seem interested in what the other mums have to say, once you know them a bit better you'll know who you have more in common with and want to sit and chat with and who just to say hello to.

Be ready to fend off other mums commenting on your parenting. Some idiot will want to tell you how they weaned little Jimmy at 4 days old and he's sleeps through the night and can now speak cantonese, I like to say "It's funny how different children are," smile and change the subject.

Janoschi · 24/11/2011 15:54

But this is exactly what I don't get - why anyone would want to subject themselves and their kiddy to being undermined and sniped at. Can someone fill me in as to why you're supposed to persevere with this sort of nonsense?

belindarose · 24/11/2011 16:14

You're not 'supposed to persevere'. You go if you want, or don't go. I didn't like them much, although they got me out the house a bit at first. I made my friends by just chatting to a few people I thought were nice, swapping numbers and inviting them round. A few have become close friends. Some went by the wayside.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 24/11/2011 16:22

You go because amongst all the small talk, you can make good friends. And I wanted very much to have friends with children, because my life changed radically when I had my dd and I wanted to have friends I could share that with. I have made done really close friends and it's important to me - things like being able to meet on weekdays, go on family friendly holidays together where we can relax because the children play together. Fine if you don't want that, but it's not all boring small talk. Well, only at first!

NormanTebbit · 24/11/2011 16:30

You know, you go and you think everyone's soooo dull and it's all 'oh he's sleepi g through,' 'we're doing BLW' 'he did two poo poos in the night' blah de blah

Then you get to know people. Some will admit they are bored. You will bond. It will be fun.

WhatIsPi · 24/11/2011 18:59

Janoschi - I persevered and even ran one in the end because if you dont have any family or other friends with children near you then there will be occasions that you need someone close at hand who you know and trust. And babysitting circles are a godsend.

dogindisguise · 24/11/2011 20:03

I know how you feel OP! I found it difficult to make small talk at some of the baby groups I went to whereas everyone else seemed to slip easily into a conversation. You just have to start with small talk before you can progress to much else - ask about the ages and habits of other babies, what work the mums did before having them, and so on. It's worth trying a range of groups to find one that works for you, and persevering for some weeks. I preferred the postnatal group that had a talk from a health visitor or similar (so you didn't have to chat to mums all the time!), which was mostly the same mums every week. I also enjoy a breastfeeding drop-in group and belatedly discovered slingmeets. I found it harder to chat to other mums at the Bumps and Babies group, as there was more turnover of mums and toddlers were running around all over the place.

There have been times when people have been having an earnest talk about the best deals on grobags and my eyes have been glazing over. I sometimes think there should be baby groups where you're forbidden from talking about babies but instead have a discussion topic each week, say the Arab spring...but then I doubt my sleep-deprived brain would be able to think of anything interesting to say. Having a baby is a huge life-change so it can be all you are able to talk about for a while, and the only thing you may have in common with other people at first.

Janoschi · 25/11/2011 12:44

Okay, fair enough! Just was curious because I see so many posts from folk struggling with baby groups - be it the boredom or the bitching. As I said, I've never done one so I've no clue what they're like.

Though I should add that I live 200 miles away from my closest relatives and I've moved house twice since having DD, each time to a place where I know nobody. So it's not as if I'm sitting here saying you don't need the support while surrounding by doting family and friends. I just do things another way, that's all.

My point is that if something makes you a happier, less stressed mother, then you should do it. And it doesn't matter if that something is a baby group or waterskiing. Just don't suffer something though because you think you're expected to do it. I don' think that's fair on you or your kiddy.

Janoschi · 25/11/2011 12:45

Surrounded not surrounding! One of those bad grammar days....

tigerlillyd02 · 27/11/2011 04:34

I tried a few in the early days and really hated them. I felt so uncomfortable and bored, it just wasn't worth it.

I just held off and by the time DS reached 12-18 months he could then start other groups (not sure start or HV run) such as ice skating, tumble tots, gymnastics, drama/music/dance, messy play sessions. You're primarily there to help your child with the said activity so it gives you a focus even if nobody speaks to you, and because it's then more relaxing you find conversations just happen.

tryingtoleave · 27/11/2011 08:30

Janoschi, you may not need friends with children now, because your baby is six months and you can go to museums. But wait 12 months and you won't be able to take your toddler to museums. Or to walking groups or to any adult spaces. You will be stuck going to child friendly places and it will be more pleasant if you have friends there. People going to toddler activities often already know each other and it can be harder to break into cliques formed in baby groups.

Original poster

shygirlinthecorner · 27/11/2011 09:46

thanks everyone for your replies. I'm going to definetly try other things like a music group, and baby massage. But I would also like to perservere with my mums and babies group, it's not too bad, people do talk to me, I'm just sometimes as a loss to know what to say.

Will definitly try asking what people did before having kids - that would be a way of leading onto more interesting conversation I'm sure,

Janoschi, I understand your point, and it's good to know that i have friends without kids, that I don't have to do the babies group if it becomes too depressing, but TBH I am going to this group as much for DD as for me. I want her to have other kids to play with when she's a toddler, and I know that friendship takes time so want to sew the seeds for having a good social life when she's older. If it's true tryingtoleave, that cliques are formed in baby groups, then I definitly want to put in the hours! It's reasuring to know that if I do perservere, then I will make friends eventually. I have noticed in my group it;s the ones with the older babies who are on the whole less friendly, as they already have made some friends. I'm not actually looking for life long friends for myself, though it would be great if that happened, but just for things to do in the day, when my friends without kids are working. And as my evening activities are now mainly sleeping, and DD won't take a bottle it's not like I can leave her to pursue my own adult activiites.

I grew up with very shy, introverted parents, and I want DD (who may end up being an only child) to be given every opportunity to meet new people, adults and children and enjoy the world.

OP posts:

PipPipPip · 27/11/2011 14:37

A few question suggestions to 'dig out' personality:

what did you used to do before becoming a Mum?
how did you meet your partner?
what are you and your partner doing on the weekend?
did you grow up in this area?
when your maternity leave runs out, what will you do?
what do you miss about pre-baby life?

Also, remember that this is a phase. Now that my daughter is 8 months old and has a bedtime, I often put her to bed and then head off to dinner with old friends, leaving her with my partner. This feels SO LIBERATING!

Good luck :)

Flip

1 2