REALLY struggling being a full time WOHM just now. Feel like I'm doing nothing very well. Please tell me it will pass!

[gaelicsheep]

Really missing my DCs badly, feel like I'm missing out on my little girl, and feel like I'm not giving enough attention to DS's schooling. Can't attend school things during the day, can't take DD to toddler group (except occasionally). Keep feeling like crying at work - think it's partly hormones as breastfeeding is winding down. Feel like a crap mum and a crap employee.

What's worse is that DH is struggling with SAHD role - both of us wish it was the other way around but there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of that happening. And we have no money - all disposable income is servicing debts. DH has depression which manifested in credit card spending - not bad stuff, just not being as careful as we needed to be and it mounted up. Only found out last year. So I'm missing my children and haven't even anything to show for it. All DS's friends do extra curricular stuff and we can't afford for him to do anything.

Just needed a moan - sorry.

gaelic....it sounds like you are juggling an awful lot at the moment...none of it can be easy. Is it possible that your employers could be flexible enough to allow you to go to the odd school function or baby club...perhaps as an early lunch break?
I can only imagine how you must be feeling...you sound very torn. But you sound like a good mummy who only wants what is best for her children & family. Has your DH sought help for his depression? Is there anyone you are able to talk to about your current situation?

Didn't want you to go unanswered, sounds awful for you at the moment.

Must admit I felt dreadful at work the first couple of months but got much easier when I gave up breastfeeding.

So sorry you can't have more time with your DCs but they will appreciate the time you have with them all the more.

Good luck, hope it gets easier.

Thanks for your replies both of you. I've been back at work a good few months now - many of them with next to no sleep at all - I don't know why it's only hitting me hard now.

We only have the one car so I have no way of getting from work back to DS's school without a lift from DH and more massive petrol charges. DH needs the car to fetch DS from school or from the school bus unfortunately. Only way is to take the day off work which I find very difficult to do due to workload.

There really is no one I can talk to in rl. My parents already think DH is a no hoper who's bad for me - really really unfair as he's doing a terrific job in very difficult circumstances. All they would come up with is he should get a job - forgetting that it needs to be a job that will pay for childcare AND a second car AND bring in some extra to actually make a financial difference. And there needs to BE a job - he's trying to set up his own business evenings and weekends but it's not really going well. They really don't understand. And I can't drag DH's financial affairs over the coals with any of my friends, it just isn't fair and it's embarrassing.

I just got a big pay rise at work which I fought so so hard for and I was so happy thinking our problems were over. Then I found out about the 5 figure debt that DH had been denying for so long. I guess I'm thankful because without the pay rise we would have been totally sunk, but it still gets to me that I've spent my whole life working so hard and I still can barely afford new clothes for my children.

Is there no 're-payment plan' you can get on the debt. Some companies are open to helping you out with smaller repayments.. Just as long as payments are being met.
CAB may be a good place to try...can advise on debt management.

Really want to avoid repayment plans if at all possible in case it blacklists us for good in the future. There's no reason now why we can't live within our means, it's just that it's a real struggle with the debts as well. I'm just looking again into taking out a loan, which previously I was reluctant to do as I'd be taking the debt on in my own name. I was worried before about total repayments and not wanting a long repayment term, but now frankly I just want some more money each month and manageable repayments. I don't know - would any of you take on your DH's debts? I've done it before in the past you see, this isn't the first time it's happened.

Been trying to "snowball" the credit cards over 5 years, but it's £350 a month and there's nothing spare. I've realised now that we're going to end up building up other debt for unexpected expenditure eg car bills and the like, so it isn't going to work how I hoped. Plus it's miserable being able to do nothing and go nowhere - ever. I've had more than enough of that for the past 10 years of crappy pay.

Sorry to moan. Not expecting answers.

Oh no. I say this to be cruel to be kind but are you sure that is all the debt admitted to now? Is he getting help because building up debt is one thing but lying about it is another.

I can't afford new clothes for ds either but they don't need stuff, they need attention and affection. Make the most of your days off - stuff the housework and go and enjoy free stuff with them. (I just took my toddler to the beach and he loved poking around in the seaweed and chucking shells in the water, he got soaked but a change of clothes and all was fine.)

And you deserve a day off for ds school, maybe he has a christmas thing coming up? Could you juggle around and do some work from home in the evening instead?

Well done on the payrise btw, I doubt they are chucking them around in this economic situation. And moan away, that is what MN is for.

Yes Albrecht, I'm sure. He was too scared to tell me because I had PND and he knew it would have sent me over the edge. It's my fault as well because I was on such a crappy wage and I had unrealistic expectations about the money we could manage on. DH was putting food shopping etc. on his credit cards and not telling me, and I was being blind and not realising the discrepancy. I think he went through a lot of heartache trying to pick up the pieces - his heart was in the right place he just went about it the wrong way. Yes he did buy the odd thing like a HiFi and a new camera, but the lion's share was everyday spending on food, petrol and car bills.

I have complete control over the credit cards now. Every statement comes to me and I make the payments. But again I think I was unrealistic about how much we could manage to pay off. I will go without lunch, make clothes last forever, etc. but it's not so easy when there are DCs to consider. And petrol and electricity just goes up and up and up.

I know you're right that DC's need attention not stuff. I'm totally with you there, but I do feel it that DS can't join in with his friends doing after school stuff. We're in a fairly affluent area I guess - lots of offshore workers with money.

this isn't the first time it's happened.

Yes when we first got together I paid off dh's debt as we were moving in together and so would have meant he couldn't spend his wages on rent (both in min wage jobs). But was on the firm understanding he had to pay off other card by seriously economising on his spending except essentials, not just the min payment. And he would then only use the cards in an emergency and pay it off straight away. 7 years ago and he's always been good with money since.

I would not do it again if there was more debt built up. Going to CAB is a good idea.

Thing is that he really wants to earn money to contribute himself, but things are just not working. He got a small amount of work then it totally dried up. Effectively he brings in £10000 a year in the value of childcare he carries out (which is a dreadful way of looking at it). The poor guy's only reliable income is CB. He struggles being at home and I know he's envious of me at work - usually I agree that I have the easier end of the bargain, until hormones get in the way.

If we go to CAB, won't that result in credit blacklisting? What if we had to move house, or had an emergency in the future when all this is dealt with and needed credit? We are definitely not in a spiral of overspending now, it's just the burden of servicing cc interest rates that's killing us now, plus my student loan kicking in because of my payrise - great timing not. Once they're cleared we'll be well sorted - job security permitting - so don't want to end up on a black list. If DH comes to an arrangement with creditors that would affect me long term as well, right?

No surely CAB are just there to give advice? All your options on the table, that sort of thing?

Do you have in mind a target when it'll be paid off? That could help everyone get through this as a temporary situation.

Not a dreadful way of looking at it, its what I remind dh of from time to time! It is hard being at home (I'm SAHM) but its not always easy being at work either, I remember what it was like and that was pre-dc so there was no guilt. We've considered swopping round but I think the grass is always greener when times are hard.

The target in my mind was 5 years, but I think that might be unrealistic as I think to manage that we would probably end up with more debt. I have a track record of being unrealistic in how little we can manage with. At the moment after all the essentials are paid, with money put aside for things like the car and Christmas there is £60 left in the bank, and we have overspent on food every single month. I think 7 years might be more like it, although my student loan will be finished in 4 and that will make £140 difference each month. So I guess 4 years of the worst pain.

But then an incident at the weekend (where DS ran away from me and was within a whisker of running onto a 60 mph A road) has made me think more about the here and now. We all live our lives balanced on the head of a pin and any second something could come along and knock us off. Can we wait 4 years to start living? I'm wondering now about consolidating over a longer term to have more money now - not sure if that would be a good idea or not. Possibly would be OK since we could definitely then afford our outgoings.

You're right about CAB I realise, it's just I'm scared of being encouraged to contact companies to freeze interest etc. Although that seems like a good idea at the time I reckon it's a slippery slope and probably better to tackle it up front.

That is a long time. Have you tried the cheaper food bill threads on here btw - there are some great ideas for meals, which cheaper products are just as good etc?

No harm in going to CAB just to find out the implications. I'm sure they could help you with the calculations.

Yes, not sure there's much more we can do tbh. Already shopping in Aldi. Budget is £300 for everything - food for 4 of us, cleaning, cat food, cat litter, nappies. This month we're more or less on target - still training DH to go to Aldi, not Tesco, and get only what is on the list. If we've run out of other stuff, tough.

Petrol costs are £280 a month due to where we live which is a nightmare.

£350 on credit cards, £140 on student loan. Mortgage thankfully is cheap. Electricity is £144 a month , again because of where we live (pretty much the arctic ).

Actually, this really isn't about being a WOHM at all is it? I suspected as much. It's about being a WOHM with all this going on in my head as well, keeping me awake at night and spoiling the weekends.

gaelicsheep Have you thought about doing the Martin Lewis thing and taking a day off work to just concentrate on your finances, research best deals, move providers for gas, electricity etc? It's worth doing as you can really save money. Don't stress about contacting companies to freeze interest, it's much better than letting things get out of control. Have you added up how much interest you are paying each month - on a five figure sum on credit card rates it must be quite a lot? Once you have negotiated with the various companies, you then pay off your debts in order, starting with the ones with highest interest rates. Clearing off cards one at a time gives a good sense of control rather than trying to tackle them all at once.

You and your DH should book in a regular time once a month to go through everything together and make sure you are on track. I second Albrecht in saying no harm just talking it through with CAB - they will have seen much worse situations and will help you think about it more clearly.

Have you fully recovered from PND? Money issues seem to go hand in hand with depression...you sound like you need a bit of time out for yourself as you are carrying a lot of responsibility. I feel for you getting a pay rise and then realising it all had to go on sorting out debts. Find little ways to treat yourself and get some time for yourself - doesn't have to be expensive.

I speak having had 5 figure sum CC and personal loans debts in the past - it was pre children and mortgage so easier to sort in a way - I consolidated the lot into one loan and lived on less than half my salary for 2 and half years - moved house to reduce rent etc. I am still inclined to underestimate how much we need and sitting down regularly with my DH to go through it all (no avoidance allowed!!) is what keeps me in check.

Kind of did that today actually . Went into work, totally not in the frame, ended up nearly in tears in the loo. Finally gave him, rang DH who was in Aldi, booked the day off and came home. Spent some rare one on one time with DD which was lovely and sat and redid all the calculations. Still not feeling up for work tomorrow if I'm honest.

You say don't fret about contacting the companies, but wouldn't that just hammer our credit ratings - DHs and mine - for ever? My credit rating has been pretty much flawless up to this point. DHs would be reasonably good as well except that before I got involved he'd been late with a few payments - getting late payment changes on top of everything else .

We're already trying to pay the cards off in order, putting what little extra we can afford on the highest interest rate one (29.9% ). The interest each month is around £250 a month I think - same as our mortgage. I do realise we're lucky because even when you include all the credit cards, the money we spend on all debt is about the same as many people's mortgages. At least we did something right.

gave in

Sadly can't move provider for electricity. We're with the best one for our type of heating system. It's just blardy expensive keeping a house liveable with storage heaters unfortunately.

£250 per mth on interest...it's a hell of a lot. Without trying to depress you further it does mean that only £100 of the £350 you are paying is actually coming off the outstanding sum at the moment. Well done on your mortgage that's the type of repayment I dream about!

I honestly don't know what contacting the companies does to your credit rating - it may not be as bad as you think, so definitely you should talk to someone who does know. I read somewhere before that they only look back a couple of years. Another way of looking at it is to consider why you would need to borrow again. If you are not planning to move house and if the aim for the next 4/5 years is clearing debt then you don't actually need a good credit rating in the short term.

In your position and as you don't want to contact the companies I probably would look at taking the debt in my name, put it all into one loan at a better rate and have a manageable repayment. But you would need assurance from your DH that he would not do this again no matter what. I recently took out a loan to cover some work on the house etc and the rate with HSBC for amounts between £7k and 15k was about 6.5%.

Boy oh boy, life sure is tough when kids are involved.
This is such an interesting site to peruse.
I think more people should read it before deciding to take the more often than not deep plunge into a never ending abyss of struggle.
When I was thinking about having kids, I figured out, quite literally, that given my average education and lack of skills to bring in the big bucks to pay for kids and all their needs, I'd be better off, pardon the pun, not having kids.
I know none of you regret your sons and daughters but still, I hope it's worth it in the end, and that they are around for you and don't just fly the nest, like so many do these days.
Blimey, I don't know how all you ladies cope.

Barreal, helpful?

OP, (I think we actually must live near each other from what you said about costs, offshore workers) That interest rate is shocking! I know very little about finance tbh but I agree a loan would work out cheaper surely? You need to find out the implications though. Have you tried the money matters section here.

Glad you enjoyed some time with dd. Would you think of taking a few days off ie stress? Better to get yourself sorted than keep going in and having crying episodes.

gaelicsheep, I wonder if your mortgage holiday could give you a payment holiday. The repayment on your mortgage will be at a significantly better rate than what the credit card companies will give you. If you could siphon the mortgage money to the credit cards for a year, that might help.

Alternatively, could you extend your mortgage to cover some of the debt? Once again the interest charged will be significantly better than the credit card companies.

I think you are doing an amazing job, so don't be hard on yourself.

Thanks Barreal for your lovely post. Hope you enjoy Mumsnet. xxxx

Thanks Albrecht and Bugsy2. Options as I see them, in order, are

• unsecured personal loan at good interest rate which I'll apply for in the next few days when feeling brave
• failing that homeowner loan with mortgage company
• failing that homeowner loan with one of those other types of companies
• failing that carry on as we are and make the best of it
• failing that ask for interest rate freezes

So we'll see how it goes. That 29.9% card is an exception, the others aren't like that. We'd cleared it but then the car needed new brake pads (not enough left in the car maintenance budget) and it was the only one with spare credit - in fact it had no balance as we'd done a low interest balance transfer. Really annoyed there's a balance on it again - working on that one first for sure!

(I now know why I was so tearful yesterday, IYKWIM... Hormones gone crazy again - sometimes I think I preferred being pg!)