Feeling overwhelmed...toddler and newborn

[petaluma]

I'm feeling so down and overwhelmed. Dd is just 5 weeks old and feeds, wants to be held constantly. Everytime i try to put her down she cries - I have been using a sling which has partially helped but every thing is so stressful when I try to play with, feed or do bedtime with toddler ds. My days feel filled with screaming (dd),shouting(me) and constant cries of "mummy"(ds).

I feel like I'm in mourning for just having ds on his own. The poor kid has had such a raw deal - I had a terrible pregnancy with dd and was quite poorly for much of it and now I have a baby constantly clamped to me and/ or crying.

I feel like such a shit mum and that I'm failing us. Dh is great but works long hours and I have no family around. Ds goes out twice a week with our old nanny for a bit of variety but I yearn to be able to spend some time alone with him.

:(

Couldn't the nanny have the baby for an hour between feeds so you can spend some time with DS?

PS don't be too hard on yourself! I promise it will get better soon!

I'm in a bit of a hurry but couldn't leave your post unanswered as I could have written it 6yrs ago when DD1 was new and DS1 was 20mths. I thought I'd never cope but now have 4! My DH worked away a lot too and we had no family close by.

I will come back later but just to say, you're not a shit mum and it is a perfectly normal feeling. I was heartbroken for DS when DD1 came and ended up slightly rejecting her.

Could you get the nanny to take the baby out instead so you could have time with DS? We sent DS1 to nursery 3 half days and that was awful for him and us. I wish we'd done it the other way around and sent DD1 so I could have had time with my precious boy.

oh yes yes to what mumofthree says: ask the nanny to take the baby for a whizz round the block for an hour while you have some time with your DS. Everyone's a winner.

Or even better, ask her to take both so you can have a snooze..

Oh bless you. Want to give you a hug as it really will be ok and I totally understand. You are not a shit mum, otherwise you would not care at all and would not post on here for help.
I only have the one child and dread having a second and being in the place you are right now but here is some objective advice anyway.
Ok. Toddler needs to come first so baby needs to be able to be put down. That is the issue here that is driving you crazy. I know the sling probably seemed a good idea, but it has got baby used to being held all the time. Not a criticism though. I did it for one day and realised I should not have done so.
The 5 week mark is the time when they really switch on to being held and have worked out how to achieve that (little rascals). When I was at the end of my tether I found what ended up being the best thing I ever bought.....the fisher price rainforest bouncer chair. My baby loved it. I could dry my hair, go to the loo, wash dishes. If you don't have one it may be and idea as they all seem to love it and boy it keeps you sane.
Because baby is used to being held you may need to re teach baby so that it is soothed enough to be in the bouncer. I followed the baby whisperers advice. Baby cries...pick it up, cuddle until quiet and contented and put it down. Do this over and over and you should notice that gradually she will soothe. It's simple but it works. It took me a whole evening to crack it so be patient and methodical about it.
I totally understand how you feel. It's awful and you are like every other mum. We all get times like this. We are human. You sound like you are doing an awesome job xx
As mumofthreekids suggests, perhaps the nanny could free you up to play with ds - I think this would do you the world of good. Of course you miss that as I bet your ds is a lot of fun like mine. Take care xxx

Yup - been there. After DD1 was born I felt dreadful for turning DS's life upside down. Jealous of all the time people spent with DS because people kept taking him out to help me out. Resentful of DD1 for taking all my time away from DS. Guilty for feeling bad towards a little baby and people who just wanted to help. And tired, emotional, anything generally dreadful really.

But I had to keep reminding myself why I wanted to have another child. Ok, DS and DD1 weren't playing together yet, but hopefully they would in the future. I asked my DH to take DD1 out at weekends even for just half an hour into the garden so I could play with DS alone. And gradually it got better. So much better that we now have DD2! (And I went through all the same things again, although this time I was prepared for it and it wasn't so bad as DS and DD1 were already used to sharing me.)

So give the baby to the nanny for a bit and have a really good cuddle and giggle with DS. And stop being so hard on yourself. It will get better - eventually.

It does get better but it is overwhelming initially. Having two young children is so much harder than just having one. I know that sounds obvious but I really wasn't prepared for how hard it would be with two children under 2yrs, 2 in nappies, two needing a nap at different times etc. Tbh, I think the first 6mths passed in a blur.

But, it does get easier and more enjoyable. I think it started to get much easier when DD1 reached 6mths and started eating rather than BFeeding. DS also got much more used to her and stopped resenting her as much.

Just watch out for PND. I'm not saying that's what it is, you're just knackered and hormonal . But I wasn't diagnosed for 3 years and I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Don't worry about ds, you have brought an extra source of love, fun and playmate into his family. It's early days. I remember wanting to write a book entitled so you think you've died and gone to hell, when my dss were little babies! It gets better and seemingly in a blink of an eye they are both at school and you are longing for them to be a baby again. No I'm not broody! Who said that? You have done the hardest bit. How about asking the nanny to take your dd and you spend some time with your ds?

It will get better. Up to about 6 weeks, I think I cried most days. After that there started to be longer and longer gaps, and now (DS is 15 wks) I hardly cry at all, except when we got caught in the 3 hr tailback on the M56 the other night.

The constant feeding should calm down soon, which helps. Sling was a lifesaver - disagree you can "teach" a baby they want to be held, that's just the way they're wired!

Hang in there, you're all adjusting, you're doing brilliantly.

Thank you all so much for all your excellent and sensible advice. Our nanny has already offered to take out dd so I can spend time with ds but dd's feeding has been so constant (she had problems with her palate so my supply has been affected) that up until now I haven't been able to reliably leave her. Doc suggested topping up after feeds so I can get a bit of respite with ds.

ticklemonster I get your point but her crying sends me into a spin, reinforced by the knowledge that lots of books say you mustn't leave baby to cry that any sensible perspective is lost. What length of time is it reasonable to leave a baby to cry, do you think?

spanky yes, I'm very aware I could have pnd. I had it with ds and I recognise the same feelings of helplessness as last time :(

I'm usually very measured and have things under control so when things get like this, it's hard to be objective.

I'm glad we've helped. You are not alone.

It's awful when they set each other off crying.
I've got 3 20 months apart and we did a lot of reading while I fed.
The bouncers (2 of them, one upstairs, one downstairs) probably saved us from insanity.
The most important thing though is that it will pass sooo quickly and before you know it they will be thick as thieves.

Adding my tuppence to all of this as I had DS when DD was 20 months old and it was very, very hard. My top tips would be:

Special trips with someone else for toddler in morning/ special time with mummy in the afternoon whilst someone else is holding baby/walking it round the block in pram or sling.

other things I found I could do with both that helped me were:

Special box of toys for toddler to play with while baby is feeding

Reading out loud (after a while you learn to read and breastfeed at the same time, and you can all lie down)

Listening to song cd's

Getting toddler to sing to baby (one of my favourites because she got good at it and then I could read/mnet)

Sorting activities for toddler (dry pasta, beans etc in one big pot and they sort them into little bowls). You can also help one handed.

I found scheduling the time really helped as my 20 mo DD had a stream of low key changing activities to occupy her and I didn't have to leave the house, just ticked them off the list. It was bliss when she finally napped though!

Finally, if you can get 5/10 mins to yourself to just do the meditative breathing thing where you clear your mind and just count breaths over your upper lip; to 10 then start again, and gently push away other thoughts; it sounds odd but I found it a bit of a lifesaver.

Again, more great advice...thanks. I like the sorting beans/pasta idea, although getting ds to sit down for more than two mins to do something like read will be a challenge. I never thought i would say this but hallelujah for Peppa and Thomas!

yes, that too. Jungle book was another great favourite when I needed a little longer to recuperate (or shower, go to the loo AND eat). DD can still sing all the songs back to back and she is 4.5 now!

Also, not sure how old your DS is but those usborne books where they need to find the duck on every page were heaven sent to me. I bought a pack of 10 or 12 of the sticker ones which are A4 sized. So I would feed and read and DS would then spend a few minutes finding the duck then he had to take a duck sticker and place it over the little duch and find the other matching/missing sticker which may be a tractor or something and stick that in the right place.

Sounds complicated by DS could manage it in a clumsy but enjoyable way at 21mths. Even if your DS just finds the duck and puts the duck sticker on the duck picture.

just thought of another one - Jumping was a favourite occupation. lots of cushions in front of the sofa or bench. climb up, jump down, climb up, jump down... between that and the little indoor trampoline she had a great circuit and definitely wore some energy off when bored!

I know what you mean about the spinning. It gets in your head like nothing else. I would let my little one cry for very short periods. I was always close by. I would pick him up, soothe him and put him back down again. I never let him cry during that time for more than a few minutes max. This method worked for me. My little one was a star baby, but it was my first stab at it and I had no support. I found that one book saved my sanity in those early days with sensible, easy to digest advice.
I spent the first 8 weeks crying on and off and walking into another room if I felt overwhelmed. Don't be too hard on yourself. You know how quickly this stage goes.
I breast fed and topped up with formula which seemed to keep my little one contented. Anything is worth a go.
Good luck xxxx

Some great advice on here.

One day at a time. Its really really hard, but you can do it! But go to docs and be honest about it all.
You aren't alone, and come on here to offload anytime.
It does get easier, and you will be so proud of yourself and them!

Oh you poor sausage.
I'm watching this thread with interest as my son is 12 months and new baby is due in a month. Dreading it because he's my baby
From what friends have said, you kind of put the toddler first and bundle the baby into a sling for a couple of months. Sounds like exactly what you're doing. You sound like a lovely Mum & I'm sure it'll get gradually easier. Good Luck and hang on in there.x

Thank you ...again... You've set me off again! I just really want to enjoy this time but waking up in the morning to face a new day fills me with dread. Thank goodness it's the weekend and dh is here to share the load.

I know it's a phase but it when you're sitting in it, it feels interminable.

Ds has actually been such a good boy - yes, he's boisterous and into everything but he's not been any different to how a just-turned-two year old should be. I felt awful though as I shouted at him for pushing a vase off the tv whilst I was feeding dd yesterday - instead of squealing in disgust like he usually does when I stop him doing something he shouldn't, he looked sad and said " I'm sorry mummy". I felt like the meanest mum in the world:(

I may not responded to each of your posts personally but literally every single one has been so gratefully received. It's lovely to hear all your supportive advice and experiences, not to mention the kind words.

I'll let you know how I get on!

I could have written your exact post about 3 months ago. My DD is 18 weeks now and trust me it DOES get better. She is now I'm in a bit of a routine, will be put down to kick about on a mat or sit in her bouncy chair and I can then play with DS.

I remember when my DD was 5 weeks old, colicky and in a sling non-stop feeling just as you do now - that it was interminable. Turns out it wasn't and actually the time has flown! It is still bloody hard sometimes (mainly because my DD will not nap unless in the car or buggy) but we have fallen into a little routine and DS is bouncing off the walls with happiness and pride at being a big brother.

Do update us, I will be watching your thread, and be kind to yourself, you're doing a great job!

I found life with a newborn tough and life with a toddler is still tough, just in different ways, so the thought of trying to do them together is pretty daunting.

If you are feeling the same helplessness its worth discussing it with someone. I found I literally could not comprehend that ds would get older and it wouldn't always be so hard. If you can try and do one thing, tone down the shouting. Not because it'll turn them into axemurderers but because it will make you feel more in control. Take a breath before you react to anything, I found hat helped.

No support is a killer, make the most of that nanny when you can. Maybe ds has a friend with a broody mum who would come round and cuddle dd for a while?

Crying peaks at around six weeks so you are in the worst bit....it WILL get easier. Once your DD has a more predictable routine things will slot into place.
Personally I hated the newborn stage,but now it's great.my two are 3.6 and 18 months.