Feeling overwhelmed...toddler and newborn

[petaluma]

I'm feeling so down and overwhelmed. Dd is just 5 weeks old and feeds, wants to be held constantly. Everytime i try to put her down she cries - I have been using a sling which has partially helped but every thing is so stressful when I try to play with, feed or do bedtime with toddler ds. My days feel filled with screaming (dd),shouting(me) and constant cries of "mummy"(ds).

I feel like I'm in mourning for just having ds on his own. The poor kid has had such a raw deal - I had a terrible pregnancy with dd and was quite poorly for much of it and now I have a baby constantly clamped to me and/ or crying.

I feel like such a shit mum and that I'm failing us. Dh is great but works long hours and I have no family around. Ds goes out twice a week with our old nanny for a bit of variety but I yearn to be able to spend some time alone with him.

:(

I didn't much like the newborn stage with my ds either and had hoped to enjoy dd's more - I was convinced she was going to be an easier baby than ds was. She may well turn out to be but at the moment she definitely isn't. I'm not enjoying the breast feeding, the fact that at the moment she will only go down easily in bed with me and not fully understanding her cries yet. Some might question why I had another but ds and I only really connected when he reached the 6 month stage and we've developed such a lovely bond since. We still have our moments but it was only really when he reached the weaning stage and he stopped all the crying that I truly discovered the joys of being a mum.

If things get tough just post on here. I'm sure we will all follow this thread and share the process with you xx

I came here to write about the same thing but came across this post. My DD1 is just over 3 years old and my DD is 5 weeks old. The youngest one won't sit in the bouncy chair or lie on her mat for more than a few minutes. She would wake up as soon as put her down, wants to be held all the time and would only sleep on me. I feel really bad as I can't give as much of my attention to my DD1 as I used to.

Its good to hear that it does get better with time.

I'm just scared that my DD2 will be clingy all the time as I do want my girls to be independent. DD1 is into her routine, she'll go to sleep by herself and she could do that since 6 months old. I don't remember holding her all day every day but maybe she was just the same.

Anyway, I guess its good to know that you are not the only one. Please keep us posted on how it is going and when it gets easier.

Good tips on here on how to entertain the toddler. Keep them coming. x

5 weeks really is the pits. Too young for smiles but the adrenaline of the first few weeks has gone. Suddenly you have this needy lump of baby ruining the life of your pfb. Ok, maybe that is going too far but you know what I mean. It does get better. Slowly the baby starts smiling and taking an interest. You get to put them down for 2 mins, then 5 mins then long enough to eat a meal.

Hello all. Thought I'd write a quick update whilst peppa is on and dd is feeding...

This week has been tough and filled with stress but gradually finding a way of doing things that may, when dd is able to be put down for more than a few seconds, work ok. So far the flash points are the morning- dd crying whilst I get ds up and dressed, dd crying whilst I get dressed, dd crying through mealtimes/trying to deal with it whilst feeding dd ( even if she's not hungry, she clamours to be latched on) and bedtimes.

Yesterday went brilliantly for most of the day and things just clicked into place. Dd slept well during the day (I even got her into Moses basket for 45 mins) and fed to a regular pattern. Ds was compliant and in a great mood, despite recovering from a bug.

Today, everything unravelled. Ds was in the foulest mood and whinged all through playgroup whilst dd fed the full hour and a half. Dd has cried all day when not latched on, did two explosive poos needing a complete change twice, has only slept in the car and suffered from the most terrible wind. I've had spaghetti bolognese flicked at me and both meals refused. Ds has also had diarrhoea and candle wax snots dripping down his nose all day. We went to visit a friend and her toddler who we'd not seen for a while. Ds whinged and cried the whole time to go home then dd kicked off.

Suffice to say I'm exhausted.

My dad is coming to stay tonight and I can't summon up even the energy (not least find the time) to change the sheets. He's going to get a shock as normally he is waited on hand and foot. He'll be lucky if he gets a cheese sandwich.

Anyway, dd is 6 weeks today and hopefully the first turning point is around the corner. The crying peaks around now doesn't it ??? [asks in optimistic desperation]

oh I feel the same, you are not alone! 27 month Dd and 6month DS. DS just has to cope with dd's routine. He gets put down when I need to do something with Dd and I have to put up with his wailing :-( He is just starting to get interested in his sister though, and she can entertain him for a few minutes.
It is magical hearing and seeing them make each other laugh!

I know exactly how you feel OP. I found a book called Three Shoes, One Sock & No Hairbrush - everything you need to know about having your second child by Rebecca Abrams just after dc2 was born. It made me feel normal again, and had loads of helpful advice without being patronising. I really recommend it.
Just remember, Everything is a phase.

Thanks superene I've just ordered it on amazon - sounds a cathartic read. I need some honest accounts of the reality of having two, although the posters on this thread have made a good start.

OP, I just wanted to say I've been feeling exactly the same as you - guilty for ruining DD1s life with DD2, convinced DP feels the same about DD2 and crying through DD1s bedtime for the life we/DD1 had. The fact that I've not been able to rein in the tears in front of DD1 worries me a bit.

DD2 wants to feed all the time, eg has been on pretty much constantly today and cries when I try to put her down and I've been relying on DVDs to keep DD1 occupied, which starts off more guilt (good advice on here for activities)

DP has been great taking DD1 out but I'm hating that we don't have mummy and DD1 time anymore and feeling like i didn't appreciate it when we had it (we have zero help).

If you have help, I'd take it if I were you, to have your time with DS and DD in turns and so you get some rest as the world is a much darker place when lack of sleep is factored in.

Well I've just given in and started DDI at preschool one morning a week. I feel better already; and she didn't want to come home!

I remember this so well. My DD was a nightmare baby - she had colic, then a horrible cold and then she got teeth at 14 weeks and nose bleeds at 5 months. My DS was 19 mo when she was born, and a sweet, patient little boy (for a toddler). I think DH and I described it as feeling as though you're underwater and you can't quite break the surface. And people saying that it gets easier doesn't help because you're so deep in it. (It does, by the way, get better - I promise you. My dd is an amazing, charming 4yo now, and she and ds play together brilliantly.)

So here's some things that saved me:
Walks - go for at least one a day. Baby sleeps, you and ds get to have a chat and the fresh air does your physical and mental health the world of good.
Books - read to ds while you're pinned down feeding.
Friends - hang out with friends when you can. Adult conversation is a great sanity saver. I was lucky and had a friend with 2 DCs almost exactly the same age as mine.
Toddler groups - where you can sit and feed and ds can play - and you can make friends.

Also, remember that this won't scar your ds. Far from it. I don't know if you have siblings, but I do (and I'm the eldest so was once in his position), and despite our arguments over the years I adore them both. I think I get far more from having a brother and sister than my DH got from being an only child.

Survive the next few weeks! And tell your dad to bloody well wait on you!

Hello there. It's lovely checking in on here to find shared experiences and supportive comments.

I feel like I'm the doomsayer each time I come on here, but since last time I wrote, all four of us have got the virus and I've been to A&E twice - once with each of them. To cap it all I've now got mastitis too. However, on the positive side- the registrar diagnosed dd with silent reflux whilst treating her for the virus, which explains alot of the constant feeding, and she is now on medication. Hopefully once this pernicious little viral thing had passed, the meds will have kicked in and we might have a happier, less colicky baby.

The other positive - not for dh though- was that he had to come home from work to see to ds whilst I was with dd in hospital so I got a day's reprieve from looking after the two of them together. Don't tell anyone I said that.

Anyway, I've also introduced a little formula in the evening as dd has a high arched palate so think I've got supply demand issues - and before anyone says it, I know it may reduce my supply further but the way I see it is, dd sucks away 24/7 anyway so if that isn't enough, I don't know what else to do. The upshot of it was dd stayed quiet got ds bedtime for the first time ever. That small piece of sanity was the high point of my day, sad dairy cow that I am.

Hug. Glad you got some respite even though you had to go to hospital to get it!

Glad I found this thread, as I'm feeling exactly the same- compounded by the fact 3 week old Dd wakes at 2for a feed, then won't settle until4 - and only then in our bed. I spend all day managing either Ds or Dd crying and feel like I'm destroying my bond with Ds (26 months).

People are great at helping, and Ds is staying in nursery until xmas, but it breaks my heart that all I seem to hear is: "Bye, Mummy." I seem to spend all my time shouting at Ds who is lovely, but, understandably, is playing up a little e.g. refusing his tea, crying all through breakfast, pushing boundaries.

I'm a little scared that I may be heading for PND cos I can't actually feel any kind of emotions at teh moment, but that's probably cos I've not slept for 3 weeks (and properly for 2 years!)

Nothing to add, just needed to rant because having two small children is just shit.

Petaluma, Vitka and Astronaut 79, I totally understand as I'm in the same situation. Sat here with tears rolling down my face, nodding in agreement at so many of the things posted on this thread. My DD1 is 4 and I'm feeling so guilty about not giving her anywhere near as much attention now that DD2 is here and I've got so little patience when DD1 does anything wrong.

DD2 is 5 weeks old and cries a lot. Won't nap unless rocked, carried in sling or driven in car. I've had to start using a dummy this week which I wanted to avoid as DD1 ended up reliant on the dummy to help her sleep (I had to put dummy back in for her every 2 hours or so in the night). We broke that habit at 6 months by going cold turkey but I don't want to have to go through it all again. DD2 already seems to be wanting dummy when she stirs during naps/night time sleeps now :-(

DD2 is also crying towards the end of each feed (bf). It's so upsetting as that's exactly how DD1 was and we never got a proper diagnosis of anything being wrong really - it was put down to an immature digestive system and it wasn't until she went onto solids that she stopped screaming so much. Now DD2 is crying during/after almost every feed and I have no idea why. Is it wind? Could it be a bit of reflux? She's not good at getting wind up and has been troubled by it since day 1 but she never used to be upset during/straight after feeds.

I just feel like it's all so overwhelming. I had PND with DD1 and really don't want to end up like that again. It was the worst time of my life. I'm trying to stay positive this time and keep talking about my feelings but sometimes feel like I've got no-one to turn to. My DH is supportive but I don't want to keep going on about it to him. I know there is light at the tunnel (having been in this situation with DD1) but it feels like a LONG way off! I just seem to see so many other mums coping and doing a much better job than me with their babies - I feel like I'm doing a rubbish job as I'm relying on 'crutches' (rocking baby, using dummy etc) to get me through each day. Help!!!

Things have moved on apace and for the worst since my last post. Dd has been screaming non stop to the point I took her to A&E again. To cut a long story short, we ended up seeing a consultant privately who diagnosed either lactose intolerance or milk protein allergy. Dd us having an ultrasound on wed to assess intestinal damage. I was told to stop bf and she is now on nutramigen prescription formula :( It's going to take a while to get out of her system but she seems more settled. I must admit the last few weeks have been some of the worst of my life. Ds has been remarkable considering dd s screaming and his mum being consumed with anxiety and stress. I've enlisted more help and my dad has come down to help out. Two is hard but this has been so tough. I really felt like I was losing my mind last week, as well as losing my confidence to go out with both of them.

Hi petaluma, I hope that things have moved on for you. Have you found that having a diagnosis has helped? Well done for enlisting help btw.

Thanks smileitssunny yes things are so much better than they were. Waiting for ultrasound as I type as it got cancelled last week but hopefully this is the last of the hospital visits. Dd is so much more settled so clearly the prescription formula is working. The lactose tests came back negative so it is most likely to be milk allergy although there is no test for it.

Ds is still a bit all over the place but now dd is on the bottle, I'm going to take him out on my own next week and leave dd with my friend. It's all about mummy at the moment and he needs a bit of one on one with me I think. I'm keeping on the help until after Xmas so hopefully we ll have a bit more of a routine by then. Dd will be 3 months in jan so hopefully that might be a turning point.

I'm a bit fed up that dh is working so late still but that too should improve in the new year

Happy Xmas!!!

Meant to add before ... Tdlrmummy, vitka, astonaut, cereal queen... How are you all doing now???

I am going though the same as you. I have a 3year old, 15month old and a 2week old. I had the same with my first two. so just hold on and just try and get as much sleep and things as possible. :)