I feel such a horrid DIL

[Ozziegirly]

My in laws are over from the UK at the moment, visiting us and 14 month old DS, who they adore.

Before they arrived they went on and on about "giving me a break" and taking DS off by himself. I don't feel like I need a break, but mooching time is always welcome. Was fine on day 1 and day 2. Was congratulating myself on not being prickly with them (I am naturally quite an intolerant person, like my own space and hate having people around ALL THE TIME).

Today we went to the shops and made a plan to meet at X location at X time. They were taking DS for lunch and then for a play on the play area. I arrive at X and wait and wait for 30 mins and then get a phone call "we're still in the cafe". So DS has been sitting in cafe, irritated and wriggling for an hour and a half as they thought I was going to ring them when I was ready to meet.

I was quite short with them and also DS was really off with me (I may have imagined this) and I was a bit grumpy on the way home as we missed his running around time and also his afternoon milk, and his nap is now an hour late.

But now they have left and I feel mean for being grumpy and prickly as they really love him and they only see him for a month every year.

Sigh.

Oh and I did text them when I had been waiting and also left a voicemail. Wasn't just sitting being martyred.

It's very hard with in-laws. I empathise with your prickliness (a month is a long time to have ANYONE around) and it sounds like today was something of a final straw. Venting on here is a good, safe way to say the things you can't at home, though! Sounds from your post as though they're around for another couple of weeks or so, so there's plenty of time for things to calm down.

I actually wouldn't let them hog him - how old is he? He probably had missed you and that was why he was 'off' (you probably weren't imagining it). There need to be joint activities. They had their time with their own children - this is your child and they don't get to just take him off with him whenever they want. However little they see him.

Thank you! That does make me feel better, especially feeling a bit odd about leaving him. As we don't have family over here he actually hasn't ever been left with anyone and FIL keeps going "he has to get used to it" and in the end I just snapped and said "no, he doesn't. He's 14 months and I'm not leaving him anywhere else so there is no need for him to get used to being without me" in quite a sharp way.

He's not clingy at all, he happily goes off with others at playgroup etc, he just isn't used to not having me there for longer periods.

They were like this when they were over here last year when he was only weeks old and it drove me mad.

Luckily my parents arrive next week and they are a bit less like this (although come with their own "issues", mainly around expecting DS to just fit in, like apparently I did......

My PILs try to hog the children as well - although mainly just my eldest (poor DS gets no attention from them at all, which is rotten) and they never pick up on her cues of needing some flipping time alone without them being in her face. She's got to the age now though where if grandma picks her up and says "come and give grandma a hug!" she will simply say "no thank you" and climb down. Which I silently applaud.

But you sound entirely reasonable to me, and IMO would be an odd mother if you weren't uncomfortable with someone just whipping your child away - especially one so little! 14 months is very small to be without mummy for more than an hour or two. I think you were quite right to say what you did to your FIL - your son will take his own independence when he's ready for it. It's not something that should ever be forced!

Don't worry about it too much.

I am a disappointing DIL to my MIL and I do love her, really I do but I just get irritated by her after 4hrs.

Send them a card saying how much your son enjoyed their stay and mention something you enjoyed. And they'll think you are lovely again. They aren't stupid they are likely to know you get irritated at times, but it doesn't mean you don't like them.

I get irritated by my own mother after four hours. DH's takes me about four minutes.

Yes I too am easily irritated by people!

Well today was miles better. We went swimming which he loves and then to the park where they could hover over him and follow him constantly around going "whoops oh dear are you ok?" every time he fell over (silent scream) and I could sit and eat my lunch. Win win.

I tried my hardest to be lovely and nice because I don't want DS picking up on my prickliness as he is so lovely and fun and friendly at the moment!

It would be good if everyone put themselves in the others shoes for a few minutes when things like this happen.
Your in laws probably did not see a problem - just a misunderstanding. If you just think how excited they must be at coming to see their grandchild - and how precious they must think the time they have with him is ?

For your son to be late for a nap or miss his milk or running around time on an odd occasion - its not the end of the world and your father in law does have a point - Your child WILL have to learn to cope with changes and different situations and this one was not really a big disruption.

I know its difficult, especially when you have a child as young as yours Ozziegirly,.. but their visits are a temporary thing and do not last forever. If something does upset you - try to say so without getting cross. Its not really fair to carry it on by being in a 'mood'

I have to admit though - I was a bit sensitive like this with my MiL trying to hog my first baby when she visited - Its only in hindsight that I realise I was overreacting and being too rigid.

Meh! I think if it's your baby you're perfectly entitled to hog it. Nobody else is - they've had their turn.

Hmm,.. possessiveness can have such a negative effect on a baby.
Perhaps you will feel different when you have a grandchild ?

I really don't think that possessiveness of a 14 month old by his mother is in any way detrimental to the baby. He can 'get used to' being without his mother all in good time - when he seeks independence. You don't do children any favours at all by forcing them to be apart from their mother. The grandparent's feelings are some way down the list of priorities. Baby's feelings first, then parents' and only then GPs'!

When I'm a grandparent I plan to be sailing round the world, painting the town red and generally spending the inheritance.

I do think it is detrimental.
I don't mean long periods away from the mother. Its absolutely beneficial to the baby to spend short periods of time with the extended family.

There's no research that backs up your opinion.

Thanks for your comments - I actually don't mind him having plenty of time with the GPs, but he was unhappy because they had spent the time with him strapped to a high chair, which he hates, getting irritated and whingy and (probably) crying a bit, which I don't think is fun for anyone. Had he been happy and jolly while being without me, I would have had no drama at all (apart from the normal PFBness I have).

And missing milk is fine - missing a nap is actually more of a "thing" because it has a knock on effect to the rest of his day and night. And with DS, a rested child is a happy child. I'm not anal about a routine, but he needs an afternoon nap otherwise he is so tired and miserable and doesn't sleep as well that night.

I'm totally happy with them spending time with him, I just want them to take into account what he actually enjoys doing.

However, today, I have spent 4 HOURS in the shops, mooching, drinking tea while DS plays with my DH and the in laws. Nice. Very nice.

I can understand that it is irritating but if you can hold out and put a good face on it, it will pay off in the end. Do your best to steer them towards the kind of activities you can get some rest from.

I used to find it excruciatingly quite hard work spending the summer holidays with my parents when dcs were little: small house, one bathroom, several other siblings with children of various ages, my dcs had to slot in. When there are 16 of you in a small space, there is obviously only so much attention that can be given the preferences of any one child (or parent).

But as they get older, it is an enormous advantage to be that close to their family- and to their other culture- and I am just so glad that I stuck it out. My dcs are now 15 and 11 and it makes a huge difference to them to have that close connection with their family in another country. My parents are knocking 80 and still going strong: with a bit of luck they will still be around when dcs are young adults.

Ovtaviapink
You have not found any research - or there is none ? Is there research to back up your own opinion ?
Do opinions need proof ?

I don't think it's PFB, I'd feel the same and I have 3 DC. Grandparents who the child doesn't see regularly are strangers to the child really (this applies to my own parents too) and letting them swoop off with the child for long periods is not something I'd be happy with, at least when the child is 14 months so prior discussion of/ memories of/ phone calls or skype with grandparents doesn't help. Keeping a 14 month old in a high chair in a cafe for an hour and a half instead of 10-15 mins then moving to the play area indicates either they were putting themselves first or they have forgotten how young toddlers "work".

Sineoncrazydiamond,...You wouldn't think so the way its been turned into a trauma.
All the more reason to socialise a child if 30 mins sat with grandparents can be so distressing.

Shiney, your comments sound to me as being pretty hostile. What would you suggest the op does to make everyone's life/UK stay/nap times easier?

Well, I would say that acknowledging conflict (at least to oneself) and looking for a solution is preferable to sniping and not-quite-expressed-but-implied criticism. And I'm sure no reasonable person would disagree....

Shrug for shineon and Davsmum - if you don't understand by now that children don't need 'socialising' (they're learn sociability in their own time and much later on, it's not something you 'do' to them) and that separation anxiety is not good for small babies then I can only suggest you do a little reading.