Controlled Crying Help!!! HV advise for us...

[Scruffyhound]

Our little boy is 6 months old. He has had refulx and this is sorted now as far as we know he eats better and is more content and is not sick. We let him sleep with us it happend one night and he got used to it. We felt sorry for him thinking maybe the refulx was a problem. I was worried about cot death and all sorts so have not slept properly for a long time now neither has my partner. We have moved house about 2 1/2 months ago and its getting us down now. I spoke to the HV in the new area and they are so supportive. She told me to try the CC. Put him in his cot after a bath massage and milk (well 10 mins for milk to go down) then in the cot kiss say goodnight. After that point go in every 10 mins and dont talk and massage above his eyebrows and earlobes to relax him. We have been at it for an hour now he has screamed and cried. He sounds like he is settling down now? (hope so!) its the first night doing this. Also in the night he wants his dummy putting in if he wakes how do you stop that? I had no problems with my first son who is now 6 yrs old and im new to this. Does anyone have any advise if they have done it? I dont want any negative feedback really and dont wish to be told Im crap as I feel low and just want some advise off people whom have done it.

She talking bollocks. Love your child the way you want to. My three are now 11,6and4. All confident, very able, loving, secure.

I don't agree with CC in any circumstance. All mine slept with me and BF on demand till 3 and a half ish. Gecko still has a feed every couple of days or so and she is 5 in February.

Even the guy that invented the torture named controlled crying has now said it is not suitable for babies under 12 months .....................

Use YOUR HEAD and YOUR HEART to decide

I'm sorry but I truly believe that any rational intelligent person will either never use controlled crying or they will feel very very guilty about doing it once they have recovered their life and thought about what they have done

TSC - there is massive difference between doing CC at 13 months, and doing it at 6 months as the OP has been advised. Totally different thing IMO.

OP I personally wouldn't do it. My DS2 7mo doesn't sleep. He is awake 3-4 times a night and only naps for about 40 minutes during the day. I am on my knees with tiredness but I wouldn't leave him to yell for 10 minutes unless I had no other choice.
There is no risk of cot death from planned co-sleeping where both parents are non-smokers and haven't been drinking. None at all.

Yes I know, I was agreeing with you I thought!

The secondcoming , take a breath. You shouldn't be offended by what I have said. my belief is that no rational intelligent person would do CC crying on their child. I'm allowed to feel that and say that. I didn't say that you were or anyone else was a bad parent.

Take it as whatever you want. I feel so strongly about it. If you were totally comfortable with it you wouldn't care what I said. Why would basically abandoning a tiny being that hasn't learnt about the world be ok ?

Listen, I've been there, ds didn't sleep until he wasd 3. I was unbearably tired, my eyes ached and I felt sick and depressed BUT imo cc is not the right thing to do. Your hv is only giving her opinion too.

Your baby is 6 months old, teeny. Don't do this to him, he needs comfort and affection. He needs to know he's safe. I know you're shattered I do and I know you're at the point where you need to see a glimmer of hope that life will be ok but there are other ways to achieve this as people have suggested.

I know that sleep deprivation is torture, and it can make your PND worse. DS is almost 9 months and wakes up once or twice for a bottle, then is up for the day at 5.30am. I haven't had a proper night's sleep since he was born. However, I feel strongly about cc as well. You are definitely not "crap" and you need him to sleep better, and it's obvious you care for your LO. But cc is not the only way, and moving from co-sleeping to cc is too big a step. Most adults would struggle with a drastic change in their sleeping environment, let alone a 6 month old.

Reading between the lines, you are not entirely comfortable with cc, so go with your instict. You will not have an 18 year old in your bed :) If you want/need to sleep train, there are gentler methods, gradual withdrawal, etc. I second the No Cry Sleep Solution, it takes much longer than cc but is gentle and you are more in tune with your baby's needs. Doing cc after co-sleeping for 6 months is not fair on him.

There is a middle ground between co-sleeping and cc. As far as your HV is concerned, I agree most of them are very rigid and don't know your baby as well as you do. They shouldn't suggest cc as a miracle cure for sleep problems.

scruffyhound, I feel for you. My dd had reflux and was a terrible sleeper. This was after ds who was such an easy baby. My experiences were.... We did CC with ds at 6 months. He had co-slept with us until then. The CC only took a few days and was very effective. He went from feeding every 2 hours day and night to sleeping through the night with almost no crying. Whenever he got a cold we had to redo the CC. Ds is now almost 11 and is a fabulous sleeper and never gets into bed with us. He would not wake up to WWIII. DD on the other hand...she co-slept with us for 2 or 3 months, but then I couldn't take her wiggling anymore and put her in her own room. We tried CC at 6 months, but it never quite took with dd, though she was sleeping for much longer stints on her own by 6 months. However, DD is now 9 and still wakes up with nightmares several times a week and comes flying into bed with me.

Conclusion is that CC can work, but doesn't always. I think that it didn't work on my DD because her crying was not because she didn't want to go to sleep without a cuddle, but rather because she was in pain from the reflux.

It is of course, extremely important that you have enough rest to be able to function. So....if the CC doesn't work (which it may not, if your ds has reflux), my suggestion would be to take turns with your partner having a good night's sleep and being the one on baby duty. And it's perfectly ok, if you are worried about pnd from past experience, to give more of the baby duty to your partner. I'm sure you will make up for it with other things and it really is most important that you are well rested enough to be a happy functioning mother to both your children.
Good luck.

Hi there, I am a irrational/bad/cruel/terrible/stupid etc... parent who did CC with my 6 months old. Yes, it was tough to begin with, it's never fun to hear your child crying but it worked for us. I have not regretted it and will do it again with DC2.
However clearly it is not a solution that would suit everybody and if you decide to down this route you should be very consistent and in agreement with you OH.

I don't believe the whole "it creates fear in children etc...". But as I said, I am cruel and incredibly stupid and obviously do not love my DS.....

I have recently used CC with my 9 mo. It worked wonders. I think most child sleep experts agree that CC is appropriate to be used for babies 6 months and up. Of course it's hard to listen to your baby cry but it's important to remember that you are giving him the gift of independent sleep. My baby does not hate me or have any less of an attachment with me because of using CC. Her big smile in the morning when she sees me confirms that. She now sleeps 12/13 hours straight at night with around 3 hours of naps in the day and is an extremely happy baby. For extra encouragement read 'healthy sleep habits, happy child' by Marc Weissbluth (or something like that). This book made me realise that I was not a bad parent and although it didn't feel like it at the time, I was acting in my baby's best interests. Only you know your baby and I firmly believe that happy mummy = happy baby. Good luck with it.

I believe if CC was normal then there wouldn't be such a guilt trip over using it, and also there wouldn't need to be comments such as 'be strong for your baby' and other such "support" offered.

Babies aren't meant to sleep alone and it's possible to teach good sleep habits in gentler ways, but those gentler ways don't suit some modern parents, so the parent decides to mould the baby to suit them rather than adapting to suit their baby for the short period that their baby needs them.

As someone else has already pointed out HVs do not have specialist training in child pschology or in sleep issues. They are just giving their personal opinion. Many HVs are also very out of date in their knowledge. I've seen some dreadful advice handed out by HVs and would always encourage parents to report any bad or irresponsible advice, not to get the HVs into trouble, but to ensure that they get the requried training.

Have read this with interest. I'm not sure if I did controlled crying or not! Maybe some kind of weird hybrid...I settled dd (then about 5m) awake in Moses basket next to me downstairs....then moved Moses basket upstairs....read on bed whilst she settled. Then left her to settle without being in the room. There were a few tears...I went back in every two mins to reassure, but didn't take her out of the bed. Took about 4days as I recall, and she's remained a good sleeper and in a good routine to date. (She is now coming up for 4)

OP i have pm'ed you- I personally found the pick up put down method worse than cc. my sons got more distressed as I was leaving them repeatedly.
What do people think is better then? A child left to cry for 10 mins then settling to sleep or having a mother who is so tired that she is unable to function at a level adequate to stimulate baby throughout the WHOLE day, with any of her kids.
With regard to the torture comment- sleep deprivation is torture. No one can function on prolonged lack of sleep.

Damn, I shouldn't have had kids either then. I did not want to co-sleep and did not bf, I am a worse mum that I originally thought.
Thankfully there are plenty good mums around to tell how it's done.

I believe myself to be rational and reasonably intelligent, I used cc with my two, at 10 months with DD and 12 months with DS, I will most definitely use it for my next one if I need to. As far as I can tell at nearly 3 and 15 months, neither of them appear to be any less settled or bonded or anymore fearful than any of their peers.
I personally wouldn't use this method with a 6 month old, but that's just me, I also don't like co-sleeping but again that's just the way that works for our family.
I need my sleep, I don't function properly on continuously broken sleep, cc is what got my babies over the need to wake at night. Pick-up/put down didn't work for mine as it disturbed them too much, shush/pat wasn't any good either.
At the end of it all, you need to do what's best for you and your family. Coming onto MN and asking whether you should a) listen to your HV and b) do cc is just sticking your head in the lion's mouth!
I hope you work something out and start getting some sleep soon, it's such hard work when you can't get the rest you need.

Hi op I haven't read the whole thread as I don't want to get involved in the debate but this is my experience.
DD (our third child) was in dreadful habits ( my fault I expect) and we couldn't continue to settle her countless times a night so I did some cc - not I not we- we've always found it easier for just one of us to deal with it - the guilt is worse if you're both listening
I did 5 minute intervals, comfort then put down, she screamed (was very cross) then did same 5 mins later. The first night took best part of 3 hrs. The second night about 30 mins. Now she goes down awake and grizzled for a few minutes before dropping off. She sleeps more soundly. I sleep. Life is good. . I started a thread about this and got some sound advice I'll link it for you.
Short term pain for long term gain OP. remind yourself you're helping him to learn to fall asleep alone.
BTW my DD was 7.5 months when I did it.

here

I did CC with DS1 as I hadn't had a decent night sleep in 18 months and I had PND. Getting him to sleep properly saved my sanity and his as he was a much nicer child after some decent sleep. I am happy it was right for us both.

Not had time to read all the replies, but felt I had to give a more positive reponse to CC! Our DD (now 22 months) slept badly unil 1, then after a few decent months got worse again for a bit, so we did CC at about 18 months ish. obviously that's a lot older than you've done it, and not sure if i could have done it that young, but I definitely don't regret doing it.

The first night was hellish ( but asleep in about 45 mins), the second only took a bit less time and by the third I don't think we even went back in. I have a few friends who have done it (one at 9 months and her baby always seemed so much happier after that - must have been so tired before). However, I was always told you were supposed to gradaully increase he intervals - i.e. wait 5 mins, then 10, then 15. I felt 5 mins was a bit long, so we did it in 3 min intervals - 3, then 6 then 9, then 12 - don;t think we ever had to use more than that. Could you try that? However, perhaps as you have been co-sleeping and your baby is younger thaere could be some sort of middle ground - not sure what though - we just sort of muddled along!

As for co-sleeping, I've always hated the idea of doing that (and since coming on here felt bad about feeling that way as everyone seems to pro it) but on the few occasions we've resorted to it, none of the 3 of us have slept much, and I know I couldn;t have coped mentally with having no personal space at all (night is the only time when you are on maternity leave as it is!).

Do what feels right for you, but give it time.