I think I broke my little boy's heart tonight. He's 5.

[gaelicsheep]

When he was asking about his half sisters. They are both grown up, live hundreds of miles away, their relationship with their dad, my DH, is tolerable but not particularly close or warm with much mucky water under the bridge. We as a family are really not a part of their family.

He wants his big sisters to love him and care about him and to be frank they just don't, not really, not in a meaningful way. There are no birthday cards or Christmas cards or any real acknowledgement of his existence, or my DD. I was trying to explain to him that they are not close any more and that they won't ever be a big part of his life, or him theirs. I think I got it very wrong and he ended up in tears.

It is paining my DH just to hear DS talking about them. I always swore that I would never lie to my children, so I will not tell DS things that aren't true just because it's what he wants to hear. How on earth do I handle this without hurting DS any more?

:( You could be describing my family, only I'm the older half sister. If my dad and stepmum got in contact with me and told me this I'd be really upset - it's not been a conscious decision to have so little input with my half-siblings, it's just that as my sister and I got older and left school, visits tailed off with the usual school holidays not being there to remind everyone it had been a while, the train journeys started to become our responsibility to pay for and we just started to get busier with social lives etc which didn't really involve far away family.

Add to this a growing sort of feeling since my late teens that I don't actually know my Dad at all, have no idea what he is into, he makes a minimal effort to call on my birthday or at Christmas or pop in (for literally 5 minutes) if he's in the area and it makes me feel like he can't be bothered. My sister and I probably aren't blameless, but it's kind of felt like once we were adults they didn't feel they had to bother any more and so things just drifted apart.

I think I'll stop this now before it turns into a witchhunt against DH. Thanks for everyone's input. I'm still not sure what I'll do but it's given me food for thought.

How exactly do you know that KatherineClifton? How can you possibly presume to know the complexities of the relationship between a father, his re-married ex and his two children? Your input is not helpful here, and it is totally irrelevant to my DS's feelings.

I'm very sorry for your situation KatherineClifton. But you are tarring my DH with your ex's brush.

I knew this would happen if I started this thread. After all the least important people in any situation like this are the children themselves, especially - god forbid - the children of the "second" family. They are last people that anybody ever thinks about.

I'm going to bed.

Sorry, wasn't intending to accuse your DH of anything. Just trying to say what it was like to be on the other side of the situation. I should not have projected.

I suppose the most neutral thing which had the biggest effect was the fact they (looking back) evidently expected us to take equal responsibility for visits and contact once we became adults. Looking at the situation as an adult myself, this doesn't seem unreasonable at all, but as a very young 18 year old who was, TBH, a bit crap at taking responsibility for anything, particularly anything which wasn't jumping up and slapping me in the face, it just went unnoticed until a long time had passed at which point it felt a bit like "Huh. We haven't seen them for ages and they haven't even phoned." With hindsight I expect they were thinking the same.

Maybe talk to him about age? About how when brothers and sisters grow up together they see more of each other and are closer, but when there's a big age gap they're more like cousins/aunties or uncles? That they have children og their own to look after and live a long way away? You could make a family tree with pictures showing all the people he's related to - so they seem like just some of many?

Sorry BertieBotts, we cross posted . You didn't at all.

Don't know any of the history on this one, so hopefully I can be objective.

I know several people (incl my DH) who fall into the older half-sibling category. ie they were teenagers/adults before their younger half siblings arrived and they don't see their dad (the parent in common) regularly (either because the relationship is/was strained, or just because of distance, or usually both).

My observation would be that none are close to the younger half siblings, so what you're experiencing is definitely non uncommon.

I guess my point is that you can't force the feeling of connection/family and wanting to get to know a half-sibling, and it may be easier in the long term to accept that, rather than trying to "encourage it", getting rebuffed and getting hurt.Your DS has a sister, so he will always have that relationship.

To end on a positive note, my DH was not close to his half-B at all, but now they are both adults, they are forging a relationship, although they are more like friends than brothers.

Bertie - I think that's tough on adultkids too - after all, if your parents are still together they invariably do all the 'running' in the relationship when you are that age - even if it's just a lot of 'we never see you' type whinging!!

Gaelic - I'd hide the thread if I were you, or get it pulled, it will end up as a DH bashing :( I know we'd talked about it a long time ago, but sorry, I'd forgotten they were that much older. It all sounds really hard & upsetting. You seem to think you know why they stopped being in touch so much and you seem pretty sure they don't want contact with DH now so unless you can think of anything that would change that situation I think you would be much better to just tell DS that live a long, long way away and are very very busy and don't have time to visit/write letters/phone etc. I think it's hard on the little fella, but I think anything else is giving him hope for something that will never happen. Try to shift the focus onto his new little sister and how soon she will be able to play with him etc :(

That's interesting TheBrideOfFrankenstein and I think you're right actually. I thank God that DS does have his new sister and that I'm not having these conversations with him knowing that, in effect, he would be an only child. That would be breaking MY heart.

Yes I think I will try to steer him away from getting any hopes up at all. I hope it's just a phase. About a year ago he was asking all kinds of questions about DH's DF (who died before we even met), and that seems to have blown over now.

I asked for my comments to be deleted gaelicsheep. I expect yours will be too in time. Couldn't be bothered to talk to somebody whose husband is Almighty God.

I meant you had asked for them to be deleted. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I don't understand why you think every man is the devil just because of your own bad experience. Anyhow, as I said, I am not getting drawn into that argument. This is, and was, about a very sad little 5 year old boy.

for your boy. If you go down the route of sending a Xmas card & photos, would it be better not to tell your son about it so as not to get his hopes up? a card from your DH to his DDs asking about their children (his grandchildren!) and sending photos of your DS and DD, encouraging them to be in touch with DS whose been asking about them etc. might be a gentle way in, and if something comes back then it is a lovely surprise for DS.

Also what about your DCs relationships with their half-nephews / nieces? What about doing a card and drawings / photos from your dc to your DHs' gdc?

I don't gaelicsheep. That would be a very silly belief to hold.

Thanks DestinationUnknown. That's definitely an idea, although I think it may possibly be better to let sleeping dogs lie. We'll see.

Just mine then.

Oh no, he's God. I got that already.

KC - Gaelics DH is not your childrens father & it unfair to tarnish him with the same brush. Your comments have been nasty.

DU - I can see your point, I just think it's unfair to bring any of the children/grandchildren into this until the adults have sorted it out in a meaningful way or they're bound to get hurt again.

Gaelic - I think DH has to make the first move (yet again) if anything is to really be sorted out and until he and the girls do sort it out that DS is better being fobbed off by too far away/too busy etc :(

KatherineClifton - if you can't be constructive can you please stay off this thread? Otherwise I will be confirming to MNTowers that I want the thread pulled, which would be a shame since everyone else has been kind enough to give me some helpful, thoughtful input. Thanks.

i think you need to talk to your ds about the strong relationships he DOES have - mum dad, gps? sister? family friends and his friends etc. because he is little you can do this by drawing pictures together of your family unit or use toys to represent different people.

i was he kid with the much older siblings who didn't bother with me. it made me sad when i was little but now i'm an adult its really no skin off my nose. my oldest sister has come and gone from my life then ultimately sided with my abusive father - would really rather she had just stayed away. but thats my story anyway. if you do ant to facilitate contact i strongly agree with other posters that if you get ds to do it you are setting him up for rejection and that some covert contact from you to test the water is much safer. ime though if they are laready adults nad not bothering this will remain the status quo.

lastly, i make a huge effort with the kids in my extended family - my mum taught me good manners that way and i strive to remember birthdays and make regular contact with the kids who live further away. i help my dd to do this too and make sure we always send thank you cards etc and generally keep in polite contact. i think i do this because my sisters were so ignorant.