Struggling to find like minded mamas! Any hippies/crunchies out there?

[MoochinMama]

Hiya,

I'm a mum of a one year old boy and have spend the last year trying to find like minded people by going to playgroups/mum and toddler groups but to no avail!

I'm not a complete hippy but like to think that I am down to earth and try and keep my parenting simple by using baby carriers, cloth nappies and second hand clothing.

I also never leave my son to "cry it out" as everyone seems to word it. I believe he has a certain intelligence and will only cry when he needs something. Even if that something is only a hug and a bit of comfort. Most of the mums I have met so far have been going back to work, sticking to routines and letting their children go "cold turkey" with breastfeeding/bottle feeding/waking in the night etc.

I find this really hard to be around as I have been given the reputation of being really "soft" and feel like a square peg in a round hole with the other mums.

Anyone else out there feel the same?

I felt a bit like this first time round, second time I was more relaxed and able to feel confident in my parenting choices (and they aren't the business of anyone else really).

If it helps I think it gets easier as they get older - those baby days can be a bit intense!

I'm sure there are some people who think I was 'soft' getting up to my children in the night for so long (and I'm still bf my youngest who is nearly 3) but I just smile and nod.

And although it's taken me a while, I've gradually gathered a small circle of like-minded parent-friends, but this took a while. I'm sure you will too - try different groups, or see if there are any like-minded MNers local to you for a meet up?

I know what you mean, have you tried your local le leche league if you are still breastfeeding? I go to my local meeting sometimes and most of the mums parent in a similar style to you.

My DD is 14 months and I have found no one with a baby the same age who has made the same choices as me, so I tend to avoid baby talk with other parents and try to be more creative with topics of conversation so I can still have friends, or at least people to talk to at baby groups without the 'are you still feeding / where is your push chair / she sleeps with you?" conversations

Good luck, and if you are local to me, I will be your friend!

Thanks for such a quick reply! You've been very re-assuring. I too will begin the "smile and nod" technique. :)

I'm joining another playgroup in the area soon so I'm hoping that this will improve things.

This is my first use of an online forum so i'm still navigating the pages but will have to put a thread out locally.

I respect you for "doing it anyway." BF a three year old in the UK is seen by most as strange but is so very normal in places like California. I'm very determined so will continue with the search!

:o

Hi Jointhedots,

Alas I am no longer breastfeeding (long story but C-section, 30 hour labour, 24hours without pain relief, womb infection not detected for 6 weeks, baby losing too much weight, PND etc etc) so have never been able to get involved with the la leche groups.

Being creative with topics! Like it.. Some are difficult to avoid as you said like where's your car/you cycled?/did you make that?

I live in Fleet, Hampshire.. anywhere near you? Thanks for being my friend either way!

Thanks for the link LoopyMumsy. I will have to look that one up.

As well as Mumsnet, the netmums.co.uk meet-a-mum boards are a really good IMO. You can post an ad yourself or reply to others. It's not unlike like dating in fact - just no promise of romance!

I've found posting an ad that's honest about what I'm like is the best way to meet like-minded people. (Interpretation - I was fed up with meeting tories so I described myself as a lefty, Guardian-reading-type in my ad! It worked )

I've met some lovely people this way, although it took a little while.
(Also met some others I didn't click with, but we just didn't meet again, simple).

Whereabouts are you?

Is there a sling meet near you? Our one tends to have lots of overlap between the people who attend and the LLL crowd. I'd love to say you'd be absolutely welcome at LLL-related events if not the meetings, but I have no idea how other groups are run. But certainly that is how I have met most of my "crunchy" mum friends.

I'm in Fleet, Hampshire. I like you're description on your ad! ha ha ha!

I live very close to ALOT of well of people who are striving for that perfect family that holidays abroad and drives the right car.

I am in no way materialistic and have no interest in the "my babies better than your baby" clan.

Everyones so helpful on here.. why have I left it so long before joining?! Doh! :)

oooo.. Okay Loopymumsy, I will investigate! Fingers crossed.

Hello!!! I am near Fleet & would recommend you check out the girls at NCT Farnham on Facebook. I know they have sling meets, home birth discussions & are a great bunch.

Sound anything like what you are looking for?

Oh. I thought this was a thread from a fellow woodland raver and festival goer.
Never mind.

nah pic just some ole hippy mother trying to find her cloth bottom wearing baby niche......

Please don't take this the wrong way, but the fact that people don't share your baby rearing choices doesn't necessarily mean that they are not like minded, or people that you might end up being great friends with if you look beyond their parenting choices. I bf and was all into cloth nappies and slings etc but most of my friends weren't. With first baby this seemed important somehow. With the second two it didn't - just the way I did things. Lots of friends did things differently. We got together, moaned, gossiped and got on with life. it is very easy to get a bit caught up with the whole Mummy thing while you are in the thick of it, but if you just accept your choices re the baby and talk about something else you might find a soul mate......

well said Nelly. When it comes down to it the parenting choices you mention are really by the by. Just get out and try to meet other mums, you'll make friends in no time.

agree with nelly.

I know how you feel OP about being judged for your parenting choices, I went to my first mum and baby group last week and for a moment felt like a bad mum cos, everyone else brought toys for their baby! Mine is only 8 weeks and prefers to just look around or look at me, but a mum with a younger baby, (6 weeks) was waving a rattle in his face. I was afraid to be judged but had read on MN i think that babies aren't interested in toys till 3/4 months, and I know my baby doesn't need them now. Hope you find some crunchy parents, but in the meantime, stay confident in your own parenting decisons, and don't stop the fear of being judged allow you to get along with the other mums. Everyone does stuff differently, and I think it's important to respect that so we can get along with each other!

I'm a bit like you OP but live in Australia where there seems to be a higher preponderance of hippy treehuggy types/crusties, so I feel right at home here

Hope you find some like-minded people around you soon - but if not, you can always come and rant about them on here. :)

I knit me own porridge me.
I'm not very near you though. I do find I am often the only AP type parent in the village at times, but now DS is past the baby stage nearly (15 months) I am finding I am coming back into being myself rather than everything revolving around being a mum, and spending a lot more time with friends rather than mum friends (it helps when they get to the charismatic playful stage). I have a couple of like minded parent friends, but they aren't local, although I am moving to Glastonbury next year to up my crunch quotient ;)

Ok, I could be misreading your post and if I am I apologise. But it sounds to me like you are being a bit close minded yourself - are you really discounting people because they may be going back to work or using a routine for their child?? If so that's really sad, sad for you for them and for your child. It sounds to me like you are looking at some of the choices they make and passing judgement, deciding that they couldn't possibly be the type of person or mother you'd want to be friends with. But they could be just as atuned to their child as you, and even have plenty in common with you.
I also think you're on a hiding to nothing if you're trying to find people who parent in exactly the same way as you -the way we parent is as individual as a finger print I reckon. Some people use cloth nappies but not slings, some people breastfeed but have a routine. Not many people will fit into a neat little pigeon hole. This could well be the reason why you can't find 'like minded people'. Why not forget looking for 'like minded people' and simply look for people who's company you enjoy and who don't pass judgement on the choices you make.

Ruby - my DS is only getting interested in toys now, at 13 weeks. I didn't bother taking toys with me until very recently. He's still much more interested in new places and faces.

Moochin - I feel your pain. I have some how missed the boat (accidentally offended?) a large part of my NCT group. Not sure how.

I feel a bit like this, though I AM back in work and still managing to be an attached parent.

In my Ante-natal group I am the only one not mix-feeding or formula feeding. The only one co-sleeping (As far as I know - I am aware people lie about this). One of 2 who are doing BLW. So many of the others have got their babies into a routine by using controlled crying.

I don't use just cloth nappies though. I try not to judge as I know I am being judged.

I hope you find some support soon. I'm part of a group on Facebook which has a similar parenting ethos, though I'm lucky that my work colleagues (accountants!) are all very similar in their parenting styles too.

I didn't do cloth nappies after the first few months - I'm far too lazy and like my eco disposables.

I don't understand why people think you can't be an "attached parent" (hate that term but I guess it's a best fit) and work fulltime. I think it makes working a lot easier!

Another vote for the Natural Mamas forum. Loopymumsy I keep meaning to ask you who you are over there, keep seeing you on the Babywearing bit on here.

Sling Meets are another good way of meeting other like-minded mum's. I actually ended up setting up an AP group locally, which has suddenly got really busy :) Really wasn't sure there were many AP types round here, as the Slingmeet I started got a lukewarm response. But we opened it up to an AP thing with the Slingmeet on the side, and within about 4 months we get upwards of 10 mums a week coming to meetings. It's great. Loads of kindred spirits without the awkward moments, or feeling that you need to justify yourself.

I know the feeling! There are countless ways of bringing up a baby, and I firmly believe you have to go with what's comfortable for you and your baby. I'm getting a bit sick of being judged by other parents that I got on really well with until recently, and being made to feel that I'm holding "my son back" because at 5 months he is still exclusively breast fed, wears cloth nappies and travels in a sling or in a lie flat pram.

I honestly don't care that they mix feed, that they've decided to wean at 16 weeks and put their kids in forward facing buggies and I don't comment on their choices. Why do they choose to comment on mine?

My favourite bit of "advice" last week was that I should be giving DS baby rice, otherwise he'll never grow teeth! WT actual F???