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Parenting

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Original poster

Had a chat with ds last night and am so worried about him, please help....

32 replies

Blossomgoodwill · 29/12/2005 12:30

Was reading with ds (8yrs) last night and we had a nice cuddle and a chat (tbh we haven't done this for a while what with the lead up to xmas).
Anyway he said he wanted to ask me something and looked really worried. He then said he felt like he had been born into the wrong family and did I love him, honestly. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop. He then started to cry and I just felt awful. I reassured him that mummy loved him very much and always has and always will.
He said he was sorry that he was messy. I said I know that I do get s bit stressed (not overly, honest) when they make a mess as they do make loads but it didn't really matter. It was only mess and easily clears up.

What worried me the most was that he felt he didn't feel part of the family. I always put my kids first and do everything for them. Tell them I love them everyday and cuddle, kiss them whenever I can. They are my top priority.

I can't help feeling like I have done something wrong. I try my very best but am not perfect. We also have a dd with mild sn and she does take up quite a lot of my time so not sure if this is also a factor.

Ds is very sensitive and has had lots of late nights. However I can't help feeling so upset.

Am going to make an extra special effort to give him more 1 to 1.

I just really needed to talk about it. Thanks xxx

OP posts:

feastofsteven · 29/12/2005 12:36

poor little love, and poor you. I think just keep the lines of communication as open as possible, and try and get him to open up to you. I wonder if anyone of your Xmas visitors might have said something he took the wrong way?

Original poster

Blossomgoodwill · 29/12/2005 12:38

fos - yes maybe. Mind you he has been very quiet and withdrawn over christmas, which again is worrying.

Def. going to read the last chapter of Aladdin to him and just cuddle up and see if he says anything. He hates it if I probe him, so will wait and see if he says anything.

OP posts:

Feistybird · 29/12/2005 12:41

Oh, how heart-breaking for both of you. The real positive here is that he obviously felt he could talk to you about it and it sounds like the discussion will be of benefit in the long run.

Sometimes kids aren't articulate in the way that adults are, in that they explain things in a very black and white way, which can sound far more brutal than maybe he really felt.

Anyway, sounds like you can move on positively rom this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

spacedonkey · 29/12/2005 12:41

Blossom - I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. I think you've got a sensitive and thoughtful little boy who feels able to talk to you about how he feels, and the fact he is able to do that shows in itself what a good mum you are. Children have worries just like adults do - most of the time they don't talk about it. I think I'd do the same as you - make a bit more time for 1 to 1 with him to help him feel reassured.

puff · 29/12/2005 13:04

Blossom, I think its great that he feels able to talk to you about his feelings .

Try to carry on making time just for him - I honestly think it's very positive that he feels able to voice worries and concerns that all children feel at times.

Original poster

Blossomgoodwill · 29/12/2005 15:01

Thanks everyone I really do try and be the best mum I can but know I don't give my children as much time as I should.

Really going to work extra hard on spending more time with both of them.

I am pleased he felt he could talk to me though.

OP posts:

joanna4 · 30/12/2005 12:26

We sometimes have this on and off with our son he is 11 now so a bit less than it used to be.
Some children just need a little more reassurance that they belong while others are more confident.Like you say he could talk to you that in itself is good I am certain it is because as you say he is sensitive boy.

PottyinaPearTree · 30/12/2005 12:52

Blossom - this happened to me, with ds2 almost exactly as you describe. We were reading a book called the Birthday Bear, where bear gets left alone on the floor 'sad, lonely and forgotten'. Ds2 said 'that's how I feel', it broke my heart . I too have a younger child with sn (and a similar age gap to yours I think, 2 years?).

I resolved there and then to give him more time, dh made much more of an effort too and even now (he's 14) still spends a good bit of 1 on 1 with him. Looking back we did exclude him a bit, not purposefully, but just in the motions of getting through some difficult times. Added to which he is a middle child with all that family postion brings with it.

It's good that he feels he can tell you how he feels - keep talking and make some special time for him. He'll be fine.

jollymum · 30/12/2005 13:01

How about using a worry box? Sometimes it's easier to write stuff than say it, especially for boys. Write him a note, only you two have the keys and let him write back to you. Start off with a lovely silly I love you note and I'm here if you need to talk.

HTH

Blossomhill · 30/12/2005 23:36

Joanna and Potty - thanks. It's reassuring to know I am not alone! I know I need to give him more special time and going to try really hard.

Jollymum - That is such a great idea. Thanks Will make one tomorrow!

myrrhthamoo · 30/12/2005 23:42

Aw hon - only just seen this. I think our boys are very alike (remember ds1 and his trainers ?), and they can make you feel so guilty. You are doing the best you can - he's a sensitive soul, like my ds1, and he analyses things more than a lot of kids would. I think spending as much time as you can spare, just you and him, is an excellent idea - you don't have to do much (I played about 27 games of Mancala with ds1 the other night and I could tell it meant a lot to him). But don't be hard on yourself - we are always spreading ourselves too thinly.

myrrhthamoo · 30/12/2005 23:45

And I really like that worry box idea, jollymum, may try that. Jenni Murray in her book "That's My Boy!" says about side-by-side conversations with her boys - ie., that sitting them down face to face rarely works and the most revealing conversations she's had with them have been in the car while she's driving, or peeling spuds side by side. There's a lot of truth in that I reckon.

Blossomhill · 30/12/2005 23:47

Moo - it was funny but when you spoke about the trainers that's when I thought our sons were similar because of what happened when he said that.
Infact want to thank you for telling me about scene in Narnia when Aslan is filmed. I pre-warned ds that when the lion dies he doesn't really, he comes back to life. He still cried and said "don't look at me mum" and had his hand over his face. I think it really helped knowing that he hadn't actually died iykwim.
Sounds like you had a great time with the mancala. They do appreciate things like that don't they!

myrrhthamoo · 31/12/2005 00:00

I was so glad ds1 had already read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and knew Aslan doesn't really die!

MarsyChristmas · 31/12/2005 00:07

It's true what they say about sideways conversations with sons.

DS1 and I go out to supper together every 6 weeks or so. We always get the same thing, med rare steak (makes him feel grown up), knickerbockerglory to finish. He tells me about school and how him and his mates are getting on (and sometimes the naughty things that they do). He's 13 btw.

If I want to find out if something is bothering him I talk to him whilst we are cooking. Not looking directly at him takes the pressure off and he talks more.

I think that your DS is also rather tired. The Autumn term is probably the most tiring, esp as we rush into a hive of activity as soon as it ends.

Be glad that he talks to you. I think it's good that your DH is also going to give him some more 1 on 1 time. It's important for them both.

You've done nothing wrong. You've done lots and lots right, cos he's talking. It's when they don't talk that you have to worry. hth

myrrhthamoo · 31/12/2005 00:08

You're lovely, marsy.

Blossomhill · 31/12/2005 00:09

Thanks Mars xxx

MarsyChristmas · 31/12/2005 00:09

thank you darling. Now put the bottle down and get a lovely large glass of water.

hunkermunker · 31/12/2005 00:09

Isn't she just, Moo? Lovely lovely!

BH and MM, your DSs sound fab - really sweet.

myrrhthamoo · 31/12/2005 00:10

Damn, how did she know...?

MarsyChristmas · 31/12/2005 00:10

have you put the bottle down yet?

myrrhthamoo · 31/12/2005 00:11

Actually he's been utterly horrid to his little brother today. Perfect he ain't

myrrhthamoo · 31/12/2005 00:11

It's empty!

Blossomhill · 31/12/2005 00:11

Thanks hunker xx

hunkermunker · 31/12/2005 00:11

Little brothers were invented to be horrid to (says the oldest child ).

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