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Parenting

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Original poster

Seriously, what am I doing wrong?

27 replies

SaggyHairyArse · 28/10/2011 21:32

I've got three DC. The eldest two are pretty easy, that is to say they are just normal kids; sometimes I have to remind them to pick up after themselves, they throw the occasional wobbler but on the whole they are no trouble.

My youngest is a fucking nightmare. He isn't particularly naughty but he moans and cries, complains and screams from dawn to dusk. He is 4.5.

He started school in September, at parents evening the teacher said she had no problems at all with him and when he goes to other peoples houses he is Peter Perfect but at home he is murderous.

Today, for example, we went out this morning and met one of his friends, we walked to the beach and he screamed all the way home because I wouldn't/couldn't carry him. He screamed at lunch time because I didn't have more soup. He screamed at the shops because I told him off for kicking his shoes off in the shop so they flew through the air. When i got some petrol, he screamed because I didn't get him anything/took too long. From tea time onwards it was more incessant moaning that flipped me over the edge so that I am in his face shouting that I can't take anymore :-(

He gets all my attention because he completely monopolises every situation and the other two don't get a look in and on the whole I try to tell him why I can't carry him/give him more soup i've not got etc etc and then try to ignore and if I am at home put him in his room to calm down (this results in him destroying his bedroom).

He has pretty much been this way for the last 3.5 years and it is now driving me maaaaaaad. Plus I know I am very short with him at times and I have handled things badly at others.

What to do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

onwardandupwards · 28/10/2011 22:08

Your ds sounds EXACTLY like mine my ds is 6 1/2 and every day is a nightmare, i took my son to see our doctor he suggested a parenting course after doing this course ( a total waste of time) i went back to doctor and said it was not a parenting problem as my dd is fine. I explained how my ds has me in tears every day and is also very very aggressive, my doctor refered us to a clinic who are seeing if my ds has something called PDA Syndrome as the child can control themselves in some places and not others. I spoke to the head of my ds school and she belives my ds may have this. It has taken me 4 years to get to this point. I hope this helps and i know exactly how you feel.

iMemoo · 28/10/2011 22:11

"he gets all my attention" that's your answer there

JajasWjolef · 28/10/2011 22:26

Hardly as simple as that is it iMemoo [hhmm]? He is getting negative attention because he is misbehaving.

That link was very interesting on PDA as I have DT's and one of them has the complete Jekyll and Hyde personality described there.

SHA, you have my utmost sympathy as I spend much of my time wondering what on earth to do and where we went/are going wrong.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

JajasWjolef · 28/10/2011 22:27

Sorry here is the link I googled.

onwardandupwards · 28/10/2011 22:41

I worried all the time about where i went wrong, the stares u get all the time from other people, i got to the point where i would not leave the house all weekend as my ds constant mood switches became to much and his moods changed like a lightswitch as a last resort i refused to leave doctors sugery until someone listened and took me seriously. The problem i had was no one ever saw the other side of my ds, so i kept a diary took photos of damage he had done ect ect and kept going back and now the so called professionals are taking me and my ds seriously.

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 29/10/2011 00:34

Reading the info on PDA was like seeing a mirror image of my DS on paper. I am shocked if i'm honest. Of course he may not have PDA but it is reassurring to read that he may have it or it might be something else, and that it might not be my fault. Thank you so much, I will be investigating this and will keep you updated.

OP posts:

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 29/10/2011 00:35

iMemoo, he is the youngest of 3, I am a reasonably experienced parent and have tried pretty much everything I can think of.

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onwardandupwards · 29/10/2011 00:46

Good luck, when i read about PDA it just clicked. Let us know how you get on and if you need more help The National Autistic Society are fab, they sent me loads of info on PDA even my doctor was impressed with what they sent me. They even talked me through the whole process, asked me how i felt, and did not judge me at all just very supportive and understanding. Like i said before good luck even if it rules something in/out. x

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 29/10/2011 10:28

Thank you :) How do you cope though? What do you do to help your DS?

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onwardandupwards · 29/10/2011 14:21

I try to stay calm and try to be as understanding as i can be, my dd helps a lot with him but she has to play what he wants. The tantrums go on for hours if not the whole day, every day. my ds does not get tired easy and will be up at all hours so we have loads of dvds and creative things as he loves both of these, i cope by trying to focus on the positive things he does (which is not that often) is there anyone who could take ur ds for a night a month?

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 29/10/2011 16:34

He stays at his Dads once every two weeks or so but in many ways that makes it worse as his Dad does not manage his behaviour very well and then I get it in the neck when he comes home.

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onwardandupwards · 30/10/2011 01:48

I tried reward/sticker charts, putting him in clubs, praising every tiny positive thing he does, a lucky dip (cost a fortune) done a advanced parenting course (certificate from that not worth the paper its printed on), ignored the tantrums which just made them worst, cant take him to shopping centre, supermarket, swimming, cinema ect ect. Even gave butlins a go and we left 2 days early as other parents complained to me about the noise my ds made. Its my dd i feel sorry for as we get little time together and getting a family member to have my ds for a few hours so i can do something with her is a massive task in itself.

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 30/10/2011 18:18

I have done parenting courses before when we used a local Childrens Centre, I know what you mean about them not being worth the paper they are printed on...

I haven't done the lucky dip thing but I probably couldn't afford to (am a single parent in college at the mo) but i've tried pretty much everything else.

I know what you mean about your DD, my other two also make a lot of concessions :(

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onwardandupwards · 30/10/2011 18:34

It is so hard, i am also a single parent at college! My dc dad wants nothing to do with either of them so it all comes down to me. my ds has his first assessment in Dec so fingers crossed. I found the parenting courses to be totally useless as the woman running it diddnt have a clue. my ds behaviour has been blamed on every thing so started to research myself because u do feel like a totally shit parent. Do you have any problems with bedtimes?

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 30/10/2011 19:52

Bedtimes are terrible. They always have been. He wants one story, then another one and another one. I've dione the one/two stories and that is it...and then screaming starts. This could go on until the early hours of the morning for weeks on end.

What are you studying?

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onwardandupwards · 30/10/2011 20:01

Childcare lol!!! You? Bedtimes here are the same i read 2 to 3 books say goodnight and then all hell is released and this to goes on until well past midnight i look like a bloody zombie half the time, was so tired the other day went to town with all my clothes on inside out looked a right state and just burst into tears!

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 30/10/2011 20:05

You've got to laugh at your career choice! You are a glutton for punishment!

I'm doing an access to Higher Education to go on to do Operating Department Practice (like a theatre nurse).

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onwardandupwards · 30/10/2011 20:10

Am going into childcare as yet again it works around ds! Dont think a childminder could deal with him. Would love to be a midwife but the hrs just dont work around ds.

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 30/10/2011 20:52

Well never say never, there are people on my course who are in their 50's retraining for midwifery. As the age of retirement goes up, there is the chance to do it later when he is older

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onwardandupwards · 30/10/2011 21:04

Would love to be a midwife! Although i do think i am young (ish) and can wait till ds is sorted. How has your day been? Mine has been a day full of tantrums as ds wants to be Michael Jackson in his school play not a sheep. Told him i have no problem with that but his teacher might. (my ds is obssessed with Michael Jackson has been since he was 3)

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 31/10/2011 12:26

I've had a 'day off' as the kids were at their Dads and I spent yesterday doing two college assignments.

We have having an ok day today, only c ouple of head fits in tesco so far...

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littlemisssarcastic · 31/10/2011 15:19

Sorry to hijack but Saggyhairyarse, how do you cope financially doing an access to higher ed course at college? I'd like to do one, but if it is full time during the day, I wonder what I will live on??

Original poster

SaggyHairyArse · 31/10/2011 21:10

No probs about the hijack! Mine is full-time but only Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday from 9.30 - 4.30 in college. I drop my kids 10 and 7 year old off at 8.45 in Juniors and make sure my yuongest is first in his class at 8.50 so that I don't use breakfast club at school. They go to after-school club on those days which costs me £67 a week (£7 per child per day).

I don't work but my Income Support is £62 a week so it covers most of it. I get tax credits and maintainance which pays for my mortgage/bills and food but I am in a debit situation every month this year. My problem is that I don't get any funding for childcare but I figure it is short term pain for long term gain and am ignoring the escalating credit card bill

The course I am doing next year is paid for by the Department of Health and you get a bursary, plus I will be entitled to the childcare grant.

OP posts:

littlemisssarcastic · 31/10/2011 21:41

Thanks Saggy.

I am on I/S at moment, but with the rules changing, I've been told (by JC) that if I choose to do a full time college course when I go onto JSA, my JSA will be stopped, since I will not be actively seeking work and what I live on is my problem.
DD starts school next year, and the rules for IS are supposedly changing next year too, so I could find that I am put on JSA when DD starts school, then I'll get nothing to live on if I go to college IYSWIM.

I get no maintenance either...so I think I'd better hurry up and apply.

littlemisssarcastic · 31/10/2011 21:44

Should've also mentioned that JC also told me that college wont fund me at all, so not sure what I'm supposed to pay for an access to higher ed course with.
Apparently, uni ed can be funded but not college.

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