Does your way of parenting 'make' your child clingy?

[spots]

Hi... DD at 19 months is being crushingly clingy. I spend all day with her most days and so she's comfortable and I hardly notice it. But when we hit a group of people, or worse, the weekend when DH is around and involved in activities, she has tantrums if someone else approaches her and everything has to be done with me, in front of me or on top of me!

Someone hit a raw nerve today at Toddlers by suggesting I could 'deal with it' by walking away and leaving her to get on with it. I wouldn't do this. It's not in my nature. But I don't think I have smothered her either. If she is happily getting on with something I will equally happily walk away.

But I had a niggling thought that I was being criticized. Do you think that parenting styles contribute to clinginess, or is it just the nature of the child?

I think all children of whatever age need to be babied every now and again

Some kids are naturally clingy, some very independent and it may have nothing to do with you so ignore the comments. Parenting can contribute to clinginess but usually it is just temperment. I have 5, some cling to my leg, and one I have to almost tie a rope to to make sure he is near me and not wandering off getting lost somewhere. Relax, it's just what your child needs right now. If she is off to school and still too clingy, then time to cut the apron strings a bit. Why is society so quick these days to try to rip children from their mothers/fathers care? If you can't be a little clingy when you are a baby?

spots - a 'friend' of mine once accused me of smothering my boys, to which I responded with a nice, polite smile 'there's a difference between smothering and mothering'.

In general my 2 Ds's are much more independent and forward than her 2 Ds's who are both carried around or completely ignored.

You're a great mum, I couldn't walk away from my kids if there are genuinely upset either, only when they're playing me.

I tell my ds regularly "mummy is busy now, play by yourself", sometimes he has a little tantrum and then goes off and play, other times he leaves me alone without a whinge. Whatever happens, I ignore him, and it seeems to work. I do make sure I play lots with him, praise him loads, etc, but there are times wehn I need to be alone and he is old enough to understand.

I tell my ds regularly "mummy is busy now, play by yourself", sometimes he has a little tantrum and then goes off and play, other times he leaves me alone without a whinge. Whatever happens, I ignore him, and it seeems to work. I do make sure I play lots with him, praise him loads, etc, but there are times wehn I need to be alone and he is old enough to understand.

I tell my ds regularly "mummy is busy now, play by yourself", sometimes he has a little tantrum and then goes off and play, other times he leaves me alone without a whinge. Whatever happens, I ignore him, and it seeems to work. I do make sure I play lots with him, praise him loads, etc, but there are times wehn I need to be alone and he is old enough to understand.

I tell my ds regularly "mummy is busy now, play by yourself", sometimes he has a little tantrum and then goes off and play, other times he leaves me alone without a whinge. Whatever happens, I ignore him, and it seeems to work. I do make sure I play lots with him, praise him loads, etc, but there are times wehn I need to be alone and he is old enough to understand.

obviously feel very strongly about this.

Hmm, I have stairgates on my kitchen door, bottom of stairs, and ds's bedroom door. Because I don't want to constantly have to fetch him from upstairs, where he will be merrily squeezing toothpaste down the toilet, sprinkling talcum powder on the bed, strewing nappysacks across the landing, trying to run himself a bath, trying to hoover his bedroom, making "bouncyballs, mummy!" by throwing things down the stairs.

and in the kitchen, emptying the cupboards, feeding cat litter to the cat, putting potatoes in the dish washer, getting peas out of the freezer ("Look, little bouncyballs, mummy!"), loading the washing machine with Christmas tree decorations.

All of which he will do, if not either confined to the living room or his bedroom, or practically sat upon. I know he is three in April, but I also know my own child. If something is interesting to him, it doesn't matter how often he is told no, or timed out (not that I will do that just because he is curious), or removed from it, or distracted with an all singing, all dancing parent, he will return to it "as surely as a dog returneth to vomit".

If he cannot physically get to these temptations, I don't have to remove him, and he doesn't feel he has to have a tantrum. The stairgates are a stalling device now anyway, to give me time to get to him and head him off. He can open all of them given 2/3 minutes.

If it wasn't for the one on his bedroom door, I would never get a shower before work. If it wasn't for the one on the bottom of the stairs, I would never be able to cook. If it wasn't for the one on the kitchen door, I would never be able to sit on the sofa!

So, as you can guess, I feel quite strongly that some children may seem overprotected, but it is often because of the way the child was in the first place!

OK, a little update here. Today I took the experiment a little bit further and told DS that when the visits arrived he had to say hello, play with the girl and be friendly because otherwise they wouldn't feel happy and leave. Clinginess disapeared after just a couple of minutes (sometimes, depending on the weather, the position of the moon, or even the ozone level index, it may last up to several hours).

So he chated to the girl, to her mum, shared his toys without much effort and when they left he even gave them intructions about what to do with the parking permit!!" (FGS! what does he knows about parking permits???). He waved them bye bye and threw them a kiss!

Hooray! Maybe your 'word' left him a little better prepared for what was going to happen?

err... normally I prepare him about where are we going and what is going to happen, the main difference today was that he seemed to believe that his behaviour could have consequences (either good or bad), fortunately he wanted them to stay so he definitively worked to achieve it, not that they were going to leave anyway but it was a triumph to his eyes

sorry didn't mean to imply you normally don't talk to him. Just that maybe today it sunk in more than before.

I have always kept ds close by me, I am his safety net when he is overwhelmed. However I also insist that he acknowledges other people appopriately.

Today we met up with a couple of friends. He walked into the house and was frightened by the dog - who is normally outside. Once the dog was dealt with I said "say hello to xxxxx", he did, the kid said hello back and they went off to play. Without that prompt him and the other child would have skirted around each other for ages. once he got sick of playing with that kid he came and sat with me for a bit and gave me a cuddle.

Two new friends came in so again I asked him to say hello. These children did not say hello back, or even look at him and their mother did not ask them to. The two children played on their own, occasionally kicking my ds in the face or snatching something off the baby.

When kicked in the face my ds said "Don't kick me xxxx it makes me cross and hurts" and came to me for a cuddle. I congratulated ds on dealing with it himself.

When we left I reminded him to say thank you to the hostess and say goodbye to his friends. The first boy cuddled him. The second two hid behind mum and whinged.

Because he knows I am always there, and I will guide him but not sort out his problems for him he is very independant and empowered.

The reason for recounting this tale from today, is that I was that extended bfing, sling wearing mother who apparently would have a clingy tearful child and was making a rod for my own back, and the kicking impolite child had a mother who walked away and let him get on with it so as to make him independant.

Great job, bobbyb! And very validating to read. Hats off to you and DS.

aviatrix - keep it up! I bf DS1 for 13 months and DS2 for 11months. DS1 was really clingy, got picked up all the time, woke every hour during the night for about 15months etc, but now at 3.11 he's turning into a happy young man who feels confident enough to express his feeling quite freely as he knows that I love him. DS2 has also been mothered (not smothered, mothered) and he is also very independent. Little boys in particular need their mums to be mothering types, how else are they going to learn to relate to women and know how to show their feelings?

Just gone through all 67 messages in this thead more than 3 years after the original question was posted. I thought, I just can't win and out of desperation did a search on Mumsnet. So helpful. I have a clingy toddler dd (22mo) and bf'd up to 18 months and a big didymos sling wearer. It drives me mad when there are wails and tears when I try to cook/clean/pop in to the next room. We would all starve and live in squalor and arrive at wherever hours late if I cuddled her on demand every single time. I know some friends think I am a soft touch and shouldn't have bf'd for so long and my mother thinks I'm too hard on dd...
So what I have decided from all the advice is, be patient, give what is asked for as far as possible and be firm when you truly can't. And be confident that in a few years you'll have a self assured balanced child. And if you have another one in future the experience could be the complete opposite. Thanks Mumsnet and thanks everyone who posted.