Does your way of parenting 'make' your child clingy?

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Hi... DD at 19 months is being crushingly clingy. I spend all day with her most days and so she's comfortable and I hardly notice it. But when we hit a group of people, or worse, the weekend when DH is around and involved in activities, she has tantrums if someone else approaches her and everything has to be done with me, in front of me or on top of me!

Someone hit a raw nerve today at Toddlers by suggesting I could 'deal with it' by walking away and leaving her to get on with it. I wouldn't do this. It's not in my nature. But I don't think I have smothered her either. If she is happily getting on with something I will equally happily walk away.

But I had a niggling thought that I was being criticized. Do you think that parenting styles contribute to clinginess, or is it just the nature of the child?

aviatrix, I am intrigued! What is it about time out that you disagree with, if you don't mind me asking?

Sorry for hijack.

you're quite right franny we seem over concerned in this culture with independence at a very young age - and 19 months is very young really.
I think it is much to do with the child, with much smaller contributions from yuorparenting style.
the suggestion that she should "DEAL WITH IT" is imho harsh and unhelpful and like OO I am not even sure what it means
the language we use to describe behaviour is very telling.
If someone says to you "oh she's very clingy" try smiling and saying "thank you, yes we are very bonded and have a very close relationship, I am very proud of it actually."
then walking away preening....

The culture of independence is linked to the almost convenience-type parenting that the media like to sell, because it provides a solution for time-pressed parents in today's urban/corporate world. This world is hopefully out of step with the emotional needs of young children - which have not changed over time.

err - "hopefully" should read "hopelessly"

dd1 is still clingy at 6 and was dreadful as a baby

I pandered, still do

but was the same with dd2 (always trying to pick her up and smother her with kisses) and she will have none of it

My dd was also clingy as baby. She got loads of attention, we co-slept and she was breastfed for ages. Now 6 she is ridiculously independent. I like to think they are related but may also be luck of the draw!

i think it does sometimes, in that some of us just can't bear to be clung to. not saying this is a good thing but i go crazy when they get clingy and rush off away. anywhere. perhaps as a consequence none of my 3 is very clingy.

all coslept and bf on demand though as babies.

I am terrible

am a clingy mum

always want cuddles and kisses

they will hate me in a couple of years

LOL blueshoes, love your response to the 'clingy' comment. It is a horrible word.

Had interesting chat with dh last night about this. I asked him if he thought there was actually anything wrong with DD wanting so much of me. (apart from the obvious problem of his exclusion). He said his only concern was that she ought not to turn into a 'spoiled brat'. I thought that really hit the nail on the head in identifying why it's so difficult to deal with socially. It does seeem like it's a part of the whole 'giving the child what he/she wants' thing. A lot of parents' instinctive reaction is to try and moderate the child's demanding to show him/her what is reasonable to ask for, as if 'mummy' was a biscuit or a new toy or something that you can over indulge in.

yes enid am sure mine too will be running a mile in their tightly buckled shoes in a year or two!

Nature of child.

Thanks aviatrix, will check it out.

have only read first post so liable to get it in the neck but yes I do think parenting style contributes somewhat to clinginess

My parenting style is very similar to my parent's parenting style.

First let me say that they were excellent parents and still are but I read in a book somewhere that in thinking about what kind of parent you would like to be, you should examine how your parents were with you. Their strengths and weaknesses.

Both my brother and I are incapable of making decisions and very unsure of ourselves, shy and under - confident. My mum always kept us close to her, spent a lot of time and later on, always had a way of trying to make sure we had all of the information and had really thought through the decisions we needed to make.

It just makes me think that trying to move towards independence without pushing too hard might not be such a bad goal. I wonder how much it contributes to individuals turning out to be untrusting of their own mind.

I know that there's an awful lot of time after 19 months to teach independance but I am bearing this in mind because I'd like my kids to be more confident than I am. Does that make any sense?

Having said all of that, I love being close to DS and do completely pander to his recent clingy phase I'm just worried, like you that there could be trouble with another little one on the way.

twiglett, i think i agree with you to a certain extent. Can you expand on your post please? How would you describe the style of parenting that makes children clingy?

You want me to get into trouble don't you lewis?

This is all just IMHO .. and quite honestly that and a couple of quid will buy you a cappucino

OK, I know some parents who from birth pick up their child whenever they so much as whimpered .. every single time .. and also mid cry would always try to jolly them out of it rather than leave them to work through it .. I believe that leads to 'over-dependence'

this carries on to toddlerdom so the only way a child knows how to deal is by being attached to the parent or the parent is straight in there whenever another child approaches their little bairn to make sure their child isn't at the brunt of some terrible pushing / biting / hitting incident .. sometimes it can be good for them to negotiate these social structures themselves .. its knowing when to step in that's important

I have seen people read into tears and whinges a deep and desperate need that MUST be addressed .. and I just think bollocks, that child needs to be ignored and taught that they can work through this frustration on their own .. and I mean from a very early mobile age ..

There is a huge difference in showing lots of affection with lots of cuddles and over-parenting (could that be a word)

there seems a lot of desperation to be (or be seen) as the best parent ever nowadays .. and that is displayed in over-physicality and trying to sort out every problem (real or perceived) and the cuddles and kisses and baby talk that just makes me think 'oh fgs leave them alone'

I think because I don't see it as a competitive sport I might be a touch more relaxed about it

or maybe I'm just lazy and like to ignore my children too much .. beign neglect that's my philosophy (I tend to self-deprecation so please read this last bit sarcastically )

I think there's a world of difference between elaborate affection and reaction (running to whimpering toddler and making a big deal, baby talk to small children etc) and functional closeness - being physically present and acting as a touchstone for a very small person who cannot be independent yet.

Chandra I like your example of offering to leave if your ds is clingy - I think it shows him that he has a choice without being harsh. It also shows that clinginess doesn't necessarily equate to insecurity and dependence.

We value independence so much but as a society all we do to foster it is tellpeople they must stand on their own two feet - from birth. It doesn't make sense to me.

I partly agree with you twiglett. I really do think kids can be over-parented or over-protected, not allowed to take risks, not learn to negotiate difficult situations on their own. I was thinking about this the other day when I went round to a friend's house that was full of stairgates-- youngest child was 2 and a half.
I lived in a flat with no stairs till my dd was 1, and when we moved house i figured she was too old to need them. She never once fell down the stairs, though I did teach her how to walk down safely and then let her get on with it.
I know I only have one child so easier to keep an eye on but it made me wonder, why do some kids need stair gates and not others? Or is it because their parents need them?
Just a thought-- not criticising anyone else's use of them. It just made me wonder because the family I mentioned ARE very over-protective and anxious...

Oh and can I just add that when my dd was a baby I picked her up literally every single time she cried!

Pruni .. nobody is saying that a child needs to be independent .. that's a ridiculous statement

yes of course we value indpendence .. that's what we're all striving for as parents isn't it? that we bring our children to be able to succesful on their own (however they wish to be successful) so when does it start

there's not just a date / age when you say ok now I'm going to teach you independence its patently an ongoing process from total dependence as an infant to allowing them to explore their world to the safe independence we give them as toddlers

I do think there are parents who believe the only way to parent is to cossett and treat a toddler like a baby .. a pre-schooler like a baby .. a child like a toddler .. when does it end?

I agree twiglett - my post wasn't in response to yours, sorry if it looked like that.

I agree with you, beejay. We did have one set of stairgates but dd didn't really need them. Hardly childproofed our house beyond stairgates. But I attribute that to dd being inherently cautious - and being a girl.

More on the topic of the thread, I think being able to work through frustration as a toddler depends on the temperament of the child. My dd went from 0 to 60 hysteria in 3 seconds flat and then it was impossible to calm her down. So if she so much as signalled she wanted mummy, mummy was there instantly - to head it off at the pass. To other parents, it would seem I was hyper-parenting. But I know my dd better than any one else and I make no apologies.

Some children just need more emotional support than others and for a longer time before they feel confident enough to stand on their own feet. I feel it my duty to her to hang around a bit longer.

at pruni

Hardly child-proofed my house either blueshoes. I think I put plastic plug things in the sockets and that's about it.
But dd has literally had two accidents at home in six years ( both falling off chairs resulting in bumps to the head)
I wonder if this is because she is a 'sensible' girl, or to do with my hands- off ( lazy?) style of parenting?

beejay, come to think of it, apart from dd being somewhat sensible, as you say, it was because I was never far from her side - HER requirement, not mine. So I guess I was mostly supervising anyway - the greatest childproofing of all! Then again, we both only have the one ...