If you're a SAHM do you wonder what image of womankind you're giving your daughters?

[cupcakesbakingonanopenfire]

I've never felt any ill feeling towards being a SAHM (I'm the first to defend it as a wonderful career ) but I had my first hesitation this morning. Dd (who's 3 in Feb) told me to leave the sitting room (she wanted to watch cbeebies) as it was her programme and I should go in the kitchen and 'do cooking.' The tv (she said) was hers but 'this yours, mummy' she said pointing to the hoover.
Great!

Sobernoel-did you really? I've also met Lyndsey German. We had a nice conversation about how boring a life SAHM had, but how they should be pitied because they basically weren't bright enough to do anything but procreate. And it was her role to help them. I didn't have kids then but decided based on that conversation that possibly revolutionary socialism was not for me either.

The trouble is, IMO that attitude permeates a lot of trade union/socialist -type feminist thinking (and thats my background, so what I tend to think of when I think of feminism)

She's sounds a bit of a stupid arse (understatement)

Another way to look at it is to ask women our age what their perceptions of their mothers' role in life was/is and how that's influenced their own choices later on. I think there was a thread on this some months ago.

My mother didn't work, was a full-time SAHM. It hasn't stopped me thinking hard about feminism, going to university and getting myself a career.

It horrifies me the way kids so easily grasp hold of the most cringemaking gender stereotypes. I wonder if it is indeed innate, and if we are perverting the natural course of society by thinking about/doing stuff other than the home and the family? Or is it just a blip, a trap that society fell into before women started speaking up?

Doesn't even cross my mind.

But kids don't live in a vacuum, Pruni; they are bombarded with preconceptions about men and women and their roles, however right-on their domestic environment.

Mergirl, I think feminism goes right when it tells men what to do....ie pick up that sodding hoover yourself.

I am a nearly full time SAHM but the hoover (along with most other cleaning stuff) belongs to dh! What does that say about me?!

MI I know you're right, I suppose because I've sort of tuned the stereotypes out as I've gone along, I don't really pay any attention.

My DH is a SAHD and rather hilariously the DSs (well, DS1 and DS2, anyway) seem to think that they will have to choose between having a career, and becoming dads. I've tried to explain to them that it is possible to do both, but they're not sure!

Dino, that is fabulous.

DD1 has decided not to have children anyway, as you only end up 'shouting at a toddler'.

Definitely agree about the mothers with sons comments. I am quite confident that I will be able to raise a feisty, independent DD (maybe a bit complacent here thinking about it), but I put much more effort into working on raising a considerate, independent DS.

Oh yes our hoover belongs to Daddy too. But that is down to DD being scared of it. So I clean all the bathrooms and do the dusting upstairs while DH is at work. Then he goes up and hoovers while I sit downstairs and cuddle DD and she listens to the noise from the security of my arms and says "Daddy".

I think what is also interesting here is how we have almost automatically conflated the idea of 'caring for children' with 'housework'. Which - as Anchovies' and Mergirl's cases demonstrate - is far from accurate. I would worry if my daughters saw me and me alone doing all the housework, I have to say.

The DSs certainly don't see their father doing much cleaning...

My three year old tells people his daddy is very clever and does "interesting work with cootertooters" (dh is a software programmer) but last time he said it I said "and what does Mummy do? He replied "Nothing". I was gutted! It does freak me out a lot. I think when I go out during the day with the kids people assume I have no other options, that I don't have a degree, that I have never worked, that I am not worth talking to. I do think though that I must have those horrible assumptions myself at some level, in order to be attributing them to strangers. If I could sort out my own attitude, so that I am really comfortable with my decision to stay at home and not even a bit secretly resentful about all the things I am missing out on...then maybe I would feel better about other people too. And then I would be setting a truly good example to my children - someone who can make their own decisions, stick to them and be confident/happy about it! Isn't that what matters most in life, whatever job we do?

I am actually a part time computer programmer. DH is an account manager but because he is semi-based at home and has a laptop DS thinks of him has the computer nerd.

my friend's DD said to me recently "You don't go to work do you? You stay at home and do the washing up and stuff...." (little does she know!) Although I told my DS thjat I was going to get the hoover out the other day and he laughed and said "You can't do the hoover - that's Daddy's" - so I think I may have the balance right

im a SAHM and ask my dd1 what she wants to be when she grows up and she gives me that look as if to say 'are you silly?' and says "i want to be a mummy like you!"

dont know whether to take this as a compliment or not! and she changes the subject when i say "you can be mummy and have an interesting job too"

well my mum was a sahm and until the age of about 24 i was very career orientated got my degree and a career etc then thought hey i want a family and now i'm a sahm too but i dont think this has anything to do with the fact my mum was more a personal choice and a choice that was right for us as a family at the time.

However i had a dad who did nothing at all around the house so i make sure my dp does loads

I'd like to think I'm teaching her that being an intelligent and interesting person and being the person who does the washing up aren't mutually exclusive. My dh does all of the hoovering and most of the ironing, so she sees both of us working together to run the house, and hopefully I have been interesting and stimulating enough company for her not to see SAHMs as being dead from the neck up.

I agree about housework/brain activity not having to be mutually exclusive. I hope to teach my kids that housework is just a necessity that everyone has to spend some of their time on, be they male or female. The main business of what I do all day is them, not the s*dding house!!!

When my dd was 4 she saw me get out the ironing board and start ironing. She stopped in complete amazement and said "Are you a cleaning lady now mummy?" I was rather embarrassed but I LOATHE ironing and never ever ever ever do any. In the days when I didn't have a cleaning lady I had a completely non-iron wardrobe instead, so I guess she had never seen me within 20m of an iron before. It was quite funny though!

You have a cleaning lady? You lucky lucky lady.... in my dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No qualms whatsoever, my boys know that I stayed at home until i was sure they were ready to go (school, nursery, childminder) and then went to Uni but only when they would have been out anyway.... so what they are learning from me I hope is that you love your kids and they come first, but you can still make your dreams come true too.

That's my plan too.. stay at home until they are out at preschool etc, then go back to work!! I hope it works, I don't want to be at home for ever!!