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Parenting

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Original poster

teenage daughter - i have discovered she is experimenting with her girlfriend whilst in bedroom. Beside myself what can i do?

50 replies

mich68 · 26/09/2011 16:30

I have found out daughter is "experimenting" with girl friend whilst in room together Should i ignore, feel upset and let down. Going on holiday and the friend will be coming along for the night what should i do?

OP posts:

lovingthecoast · 27/09/2011 13:00

Yes, I think your urge to read her text messages are far more of an issue that what she may or may no be doing in her bedroom with her 14yr old friend.

I think you need to look at how your relationship with your daughter is developing. She's at an age where girls esp can 'fracture' away from their mother if they feel they relationship is stifling or the parent lacks trust. It is also very much part of your job as a parent to accept and acknowledge (even if just to yourself) that your child is becoming a sexual being and that they need space and privacy as well as support and total lack of judginess.

malinois · 27/09/2011 13:03

OP - please read RaveningWolef's post and take it on board. It's what I would have wanted to write, but I had a very traumatic coming out (still serious ishoos with my DM) and don't trust myself to give advice on the matter.

JeremyVile · 27/09/2011 13:06

It's pretty common isn't it? Though I would have thought at 14 it's less about harmless experimenting (practicing?) and perhaps more likely that she is sexually attracted to females.
The only thing that would worry me tbh, is whether this was the sort of thing girls felt pressured into. I reckon plenty of teenage boys have been influenced by porn ( and popular pornified culture) that this is the sort of thing girls are expected to have in their 'repertoir' along with just LOVING anal and having a whole portfolio of explicit pictures of themselves.

Not that there's anything to suggest any of that....it's just what I'd be concerned about.

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HattiFattner · 27/09/2011 13:09

OP, just because they text stuff to eachother, doesnt mean its actually happening. Theres stuff on my 14 yos facebook that is really quite ...erm....blue? but its all just talk, I dont for a moment think that she is having a lesbian experimentation phase. They all do it.

Either way, it wont make me love her any less.

But if she tells me "you can't make me...(wash up/tidy my room/do my homework/insert dreadful chore here)" I might just change my mind

ThePosieParker · 27/09/2011 13:12

I think you should treat this as if you would if it was a boy with your dd. No sleep overs and a talk about respecting one's body, choosing to do things because it's the right thing to do not because she's expected to.

JeremyVile · 27/09/2011 13:18

Hatti - sorry to pick out your post, but I'm curious. The stuff that's on your dd's FB page, so assuming it's not true, just talk etc...do you know why they're saying it? Does it concern you that she (and her friends) feel the need to give this kind of impression?

I don't have a dd, and ds is only 5 but I think if I did have a teen dd who was (and forgive me, I don't know what your dd posts but have seen pages of friends/family teens) posting pictures and comments that played up to girl on girl fantasies for example, then I'd be wanting to find out where that was coming from and why she felt she had to play along with it and for who's benefit was it?

OracleInaCoracle · 27/09/2011 13:18

when I was about 13/14 I experimented with my closest female friend. we were very close, and boys terrified me. it wasnt about sex as such, more about exploring my body and finding out my own limits and comfort levels, learning to kiss and discovering what intimacy was, without the pressure etc.

OracleInaCoracle · 27/09/2011 13:20

jeremyvile, good point. i also agree that a talk about respecting your body/pressure is in order.

StealthPolarBear · 27/09/2011 13:23

But RaveningWolef - why no open door policy? If I had a 14yo I'd do that whether it was boys or girls.

HattiFattner · 27/09/2011 13:30

jeremy, my DD is a committed heterosexual. And many of her friends claim to be bi-sexual. SO they post things like "ooh I want you inside me" and she jokes back "What, surgically?"

I think they believe its fun to play with the idea of bisexuality....for example, on of her friends claims to be "bi" - and yet has never actually kissed a boy or girl. So how can he know he is bi - sure, her has feelings for people of either sex, but that makes him 14, not necessarily bi-sexual. Surely ones sexuality is defined by what one does, not by what one says.

BluddyMoFo · 27/09/2011 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 27/09/2011 13:35

Well, the OP didn't come back. How queer.
If it were my teenage DD, I think (and hope) I would treat it in the same way as if it were a boy.
IMO, there is very little you can do apart from talk to her about respect and boundaries.

minxofmancunia · 27/09/2011 13:39

I work with teenagers many of them girls, a lot of them are undecided in their sexuality and are able to be more open about it than we were, thank goodness.

It's also quite trendy to be "bi" esp in the emo culture.

coccyx · 27/09/2011 13:44

She is 14, i would not allow it whether with a female or a male.

Tee2072 · 27/09/2011 13:51

"Surely ones sexuality is defined by what one does, not by what one says."

No, by what one feels. How did you know you were het before you kissed a boy? Because you were attracted to and felt something for only boys.

I am bi and have known it since I was around 14. Because I wanted to kiss and be with both boys and girls. Even though I didn't kiss either until I was about 15.

monstermissy · 27/09/2011 13:59

My son recently came out and at only 14 i am very very proud of how secure he is in who he is. It isnt a phase its a fact, like having blue eyes is a fact. I agree with Tee2072.

CristinadellaPizza · 27/09/2011 14:01

:o ripstheirthroatsout

Bit slow on the uptake today!

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/09/2011 14:12

But coccyx - how would you stop it?!

madmomma · 29/09/2011 20:29

Just leave them to it. No one's going to get pregnant, so why worry? It's totally normal and healthy.

yummybunny · 03/10/2011 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scotchmeg · 03/10/2011 12:49

Do people really enforce open door policies on same sex friends at 14 years?!

and OP, stop reading her text messages

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/10/2011 14:47

Why would you be horrified? That's a big of a strong reaction, isn't it?

PetiteRaleuse · 03/10/2011 15:11

What interesting first posts OP

amyboo · 03/10/2011 15:22

FWIW, I did exactly the same thing at about age 11 with a school friend of mine. We were just curious about our bodies I guess... I never really told anyone about it, and said friend and I drifted apart after a couple of terms in different secondary schools. I never felt that I was attracted to the opposite sex or anything - we were just exploring our bodies I guess! BTW, I'm now a happily married wife/mother...

Petisa · 03/10/2011 22:51

This is completely normal for a 14 year old, no? Sexual experimentation with friends, of some kind, whether male or female, in their own bedroom or the friends.

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