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Parenting

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Original poster

teenage daughter - i have discovered she is experimenting with her girlfriend whilst in bedroom. Beside myself what can i do?

50 replies

mich68 · 26/09/2011 16:30

I have found out daughter is "experimenting" with girl friend whilst in room together Should i ignore, feel upset and let down. Going on holiday and the friend will be coming along for the night what should i do?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 26/09/2011 16:32

Experimenting with what? Chemicals?

Tee2072 · 26/09/2011 16:33

How old? Why are you 'upset and let down'? Because you think she is too young or because her partner is a girl?

What do you do? You tell her you love her no matter who she loves and you hope she is practising safe sex.

This is assuming she is a teenager and not in primary or something.

amistillsexy · 26/09/2011 16:34

Got visions of 'girlfriend' laid out on a slab and DD cakling madly as she pours gloop into GF's ear...Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to laugh.

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AMumInScotland · 26/09/2011 16:38

Well, assuming you mean sexual experimentation, I think the only valid way to respond is to think about how far you would allow her to go with a boyfriend. You don't mention ages, so its difficult to guess what levels of activity you might consider appropriate!

If she had a boyfriend, would you let them vanish into the bedroom with the door shut? If not, then I think you should apply the same levels of caution with a girlfriend, as a matter of general fairness.

Chrononaut · 26/09/2011 17:10

agree with tee2072

tell her you love her and ask her to make sure she's practicing safe sex.

at least this way she wont end up getting pregnant by mistake!

Original poster

mich68 · 26/09/2011 22:56

sorry for clairity dd is 14 and friend is "just a friend" or so i thought found some inappropriate txts and know feel uncomfortable about sleep overs etc. DD doesnt know i have seen the txts. Problems problems.

OP posts:

hester · 26/09/2011 23:10

Hmmm. Well, I've never had a teenage dd (though it's only a matter of time) so I'm not quite sure what I'd do. My instinct would be: leave well enough alone unless you have reason to think this is damaging or distressing your dd in some way. At 14 many children are starting petting (lovely retro term there!) and I guess every parent has to decide how far they want that to go. Then they have to think about what they can realistically do about it, and what the consequences of intervention may be.

OK, so some questions: why do you feel let down? What exactly is it they are doing that upsets you so much? What are you afraid will happen?

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/09/2011 23:14

Why are you 'beside yourself'? That's a bit of a strong reaction, isn't it?

lesstalkmoreaction · 26/09/2011 23:18

What are the inappropriate texts as teenage girls are always talking about how hot their friends are and they love each other, the way they talk to each other is very different to how I used to talk to my friends but they all do it.

edam · 26/09/2011 23:21

It's what teenagers do, and have done since the dawn of time. Not a huge amount parents can do about it IMO, except to spell out the risks of unsafe sex - the most dramatic of which for a teen don't apply here anyway. You could ban the friend from the house, only that would just drive your dd and her friend even closer together and mean they get up to whatever they are getting up to somewhere less safe than your home.

Work out what exactly makes you so upset - is it that your dd is growing up? Is it that she's experimenting with a girl, not a boy?

hester · 26/09/2011 23:32

It must be said that if you're worried about safe sex, experimentation between teenage girls is pretty much as good as it gets.

I would be more worried about emotional risk, but there's not much you can do to protect teenagers from that.

StealthPolarBear · 26/09/2011 23:35

But surely at 14 she is too young? Would you allow this if she was a he? Or with the risks of pregnancy non existant, and the risks of STDs (presumably) vastly reduced, do you take a more lenient line? Noit sure..

meditrina · 26/09/2011 23:36

Tell her she has to leave the bedroom door open at all times whenever she has a visitor of either sex.

Although we all know there are sexually active 14 year olds, it is too young (regardless of sex of partner). You cannot police everything that your teen does, but you can make it difficult for her to do it under your roof until she is of age.

And at some stage, but not pointedly together with references to this friendship, make sure you keep talking about relationships, safe sex, homosexuality. Everything and anything is easier to deal with if you can communicate, and she knows you're on her side (in fact without that, you haven't a hope of getting any messages across, at all).

Tee2072 · 27/09/2011 12:37

I'm sorry, I'm still not following. What exactly do the texts say? I love you? You looked hot? I loved it when you touched me?

So far the intensity of your response seems over the top.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 27/09/2011 12:43

I'm confused. Are you upset because she's doing sexual things, or because she's doing them with another girl? Or both? Or something else altogether?

kaluki · 27/09/2011 12:44

I would say and do NOTHING.
Your DD is entitled to some privacy. You shouldn't be reading her texts and you definitely shouldn't do anything which will tell her that you know or you will destroy all her trust in you.
Why are you so devastated? Is it because she might be gay or because she is becoming sexually active?
Can you talk to her in an open way? Maybe bring up how close her and her friend are and let her know you are there for her to talk to about anything?

lovingthecoast · 27/09/2011 12:44

14 is too young to be having sex but 'petting' as Hester so quaintly puts it is very common at this age. More so when restricted to kissing and over-clothes touching than hands in bras and knickers.

You need to consider why you are upset. You could go down the open door policy but personally, I worry that by doing that I will be giving my kids the impression that I'm jumping to the conclusion that everything they want to do in private is sexual and that they cannot be trusted. So instead, I hope to go down the open/honest/trust line. But ask me again when my girls actually reach 14!

kaluki · 27/09/2011 12:47

This might sound really wrong but I would actually far rather my 14 yr old DD was experimenting with a friend in her room, than shagging boys and risking catching a disease or getting pregnant?
It doesn't necessarily mean she's gay you know!

malinois · 27/09/2011 12:48

Bloody hell, I'd encourage it. The greatest threat to a girl's life chances are an unwanted teenage pregnancy.

Disclaimer: I was your daughter 25 years ago, never did me any harm etc. etc.

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/09/2011 12:50

My girlfriends and I did this at the same age. I think it is quite common to form these kind of same sex attachments/ experimentations especially before boys come onto the scene. I am totally normal and it was just a phase of my teenage life - I think you need to monitor from afar and really stop reading her texts.

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/09/2011 12:51

In saying I am "normal" I wasn't suggesting that same sex couplings are not normal btw. Just wanted to make the point that it wasn't emotionally damaging in any way.

malinois · 27/09/2011 12:53

Scarlett - I'm totally normal too, thanks. Or do you think that LGB people are somehow abnormal?

malinois · 27/09/2011 12:53

oops - x-post!

CristinadellaPizza · 27/09/2011 12:54

I also experimented with my best friend at that age - I suspect for many girls, it's a bit of a safe way of exploring sexuality without involving (to my mind when I was a teenager) 'scary' boys who might want to have actual penetrative sex.

I wouldn't say anything. Why are you reading her text messages anyway?

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 27/09/2011 12:56

I guess this rings a bell for me as I was a queer teen (though I'm engaged to a man now) and have many many queer friends, some of whose coming-out stories are hair-raising and desperately sad - kicked out of the family home, years of therapy, etc etc.

Your daughter may be gay, she may be bi, she may just be going through a phase. But in the event that she is gay or bi, how you react to this now will make a huge difference to how easily and healthily she comes to terms with her sexuality. If you throw your hands up in horror, ban her from being in her room with the door closed and a friend present or anything like that you'll be sending the message that what she's doing is bad and wrong. And if it turns out that she is gay, you won't be able to do anything about her sexuality but you will have contributed to the huge existing societal pressure on all young people to be straight, to fit in, to avoid doing anything 'disgusting' and homosexual.

If you're uncomfortable with the idea of your daughter being homosexual and that's really why you're 'beside yourself', and you act in a way that makes that clear, you'll be saying to her 'Who you really are is not acceptable to me, please pretend to be someone else'. Even if it's not homophobia, if you react in a punitive or authoritarian way to your daughter's sexual experimentation you'll be sending the message that sexual activity is somehow shameful or negative, which could also set her up for difficulties in the future. Do you really want to do that?

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