In tears over dd1 and her attitude to clothes

[intears]

She is 6. She has a very definite sense of what she does and deosnt want to wear and its a pain but usually I go with it. For example I bought her 5 tops from Tesco a couple of months ago and she only ever wears one of them. She has 4 skirts and only ever wears one - unfortunatly the top is brown and pink and the skirt is purple paisley. She will only wear a certain pair of tights, some dont 'feel right' or a 'scratchy'. So she can look a real fright sometimes. If i force it she will scream and tantrum and cry hysterically. Its not a matter of wanting to look like a princess all the time, its a really obsessive weird attitude that I find really hard. I bought her a lovely sweatshirt top yesterday from Fat Face, it was £22, a real splashout for us as we are quite skint. I thought it would be perfect as she has literally NO cardigans that fit her. she threw a complete fit and refused to wear it. I was quite calm and said, ok I will take it back and get my money back. She wanted me to get her a differnt one but quite honestly I have no interest in getting something else she refuses to wear. So Isaid no I would get my money back. I was really upset as she has mufti day on Friday and I dont know what she will want to wear, probably a vest and a skirt!! something bonkers and freezing cold.

Then she threw a fit as she didnt want to wear her pleated school skirt. I ended up throwing all her school clothes on the floor and going upstairs in floods of tears. telling her I didnt care, she could look like a ragamuffin for all I cared I had had enough.

Her dad has taken her to school and she was trying to apologise and I am afraid I wouldnt really have it - she has apologised so many times before and still I have a wardrobe full of clothes that she finds some excuse not to wear. I know this all sounds trivial but I am really upset and fed up about it. Especially as I have a younger dd who will wear anything happily.

What a battle! What's she like if you give her the (limited) choice in a shop when it comes to getting new stuff?

With the rest of her weird choices, well it won't be long before other kids start commenting or she sees other kids dressed nicely? That'll steer her better? Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm saying this might be a phase! And when she apologises again later, maybe have a talk about it and while she's in the mood, have her talk about friday's outfit, plan it?

please dont sry. this is normal behaviour, if a little early. usually a teen thing.
get rid of all the clothes she doesnt wear. and dont buy her clothes unless she is with you. or, just returrn stuff she wont wear. dont fight about it though.

poor you. My dd is a bit like this, its not a phase, she has always been like it. bluealiens advice is very good.

I also recommend buying her clothes at Primark, not FatFace! Honestly. If the tops cost £2 it's less painful if they aren't worn. Maybe take her shopping and let her pick and give her a choice of two each morning. If she likes something, buy two of them!
Sounds very stressful. I have a very laid back ds of 4 and a much more assertive dd of only 10 months so this doesn't affect me - yet! But I do remember sitting under the stairs when my mum bought me some (at the time v fashionable!) clogs, and telling her 'I WON'T wear them! I will stay under the stairs until I have grown out of them!"

btw this sounds a bit like a power struggle to me. Maybe really try to act as if you don't care. Leave out the two choices and then leave the room? Hard when it's a school day, I know.

my ds1(now 12) has always been like this,it is rarely to do with what something looks like but always what it feels like,and sometimes what it smells like!

Classic example was this morning,he has 12 pairs of black identical socks for school but will only wear 2 of them,how does he tell the difference?!because the others all have various problems eg the bottoms are too stiff or the sewing rubs his foot in the wrong place.

Shoes are a nightmare there is always a problem (actually this has got slightly better in the past couple of years)I cringe with emabarressmnet in the shop as he explains that this little piece here on the top feels odd or the edge of the lace slighly catches his foot.He cannot bear to feel even the slightest bit of discomfort and because he will not wear them they never get worn in.dh has tried the shoe thing as he thought I was being too soft he just made him have the first pair that the shop assistant said fitted but we ended up with a note from school to say he kept taking his shoes off because they were uncomfortable and could we replce them or sort out problem,needless to say i ended up replacing them.

I think that the message is to not bother buying clothes you like and always buy with them if possible,He has got better and he will try things for me now and peer pressure is starting to kick in so he will occiaionally put up with things,he has a very rigid school uniform so he has had to learn to put up with that and although I know he did find it uncomfortable he has put up withn it without a murmur.

I tried not to make it into a big deal so that it didn't turn into a bigger issue,a bit like fussy eating i try to ignore it when he won't wear something but really praise when he tries something new or wears something for me!I am very strict though about occaisions when they have to dress up eg grandparents wedding anniv or brothers christening.I start early and we discuss what he could wear ,if necessary I take him shopping but i make it clear that he will have to eventually wear something that I find acceptable ,but do give him lots of credit for the end result and for coperation etc.I suppose really i just try to accept that this is just very very annoying personality trait a bit like ds3 hates to be strapped into anything!

To be honest things improved dramatically when I stopped treating it like naughty behaviour or a tantrum and acknowledged that he genuinely feels that these clothes are unwearable,I also calmed down about it and it stopped being a balttle of wills and a power struggle,sometimes he does look a fright but actually this bothers me not him!( alos if I am honest I can recall being a bit like this as a child,I hated anything scratchy,even if no one could see how it was scatchy i knew it was or flappy whatever that was,once again it was not the look but the feel but I've turned out OK)

It is intensely annoying though and you definately have my sympathy!!!!

Thank you for bothering to post everyone.

Philly - your ds sounds just like dd1! The socks thing really touched a chord. It doesn't help that dh genuinely thinks dd1 is a bit 'weird' and that i am just handling it badly.

I have decided i will take the cardigan back and then do as you all have suggested and take her with me. Trouble is, she will set her heart on something that I will not let her have (eg looking for a long sleeved top she will insist on having a pack of strappy vests with kittens on) and then dismiss anything else out of grumpiness. This means she ends up (as now) having NO cardigans or sweatshrits of any kind.

This one was so perfect - pink, soft, zip up, warm with a big flower on the chest. Sigh.

Actually it may be a sensory thing, as Philly says. Sometimes children are almost abnormally sensitive to the feel of things.

yes thecattlearealohing this definitely comes into it. going on the beach is hard because she doesnt like the sand. She is a picky eater because of the textures of things. Maybe she does have some sensory issues. I have lost count of the number of jumpers she wont wear because they are scratchy.

Intears could you discuss beforehand what you are setting out to buy eg a cardigan and if she agrees and finds one that she will wear then let her have a couple of pounds to choose something for herself. Also DS changes out of his uniform after school and I let him wear whatever get up he likes. Then at weekends or if we are going somewhere I have a bit more input.

Aloha enjoy your peace - sounds like your DD is like mine so it will only be shortterm. DD is 18 months and goes into her bedroom and says "choose, choose" and I have to lift her up to her wardrobe and she chooses something to wear. Fortunately atm she still only chooses one item so I can match the rest of her outfit around it. Currently she shows a definite preference for red. And we have been having tantrums when I make her wear her big coat to walk round to school instead of the lighter jacket she wears in the car.

intears - definitely a sensory thing going on then.

So also might be worthwhile actually trying the clothes on in shops to ensure she is fully happy with them.

Yes,we also have the picky eating,he doesn't like pasta because it feels slimey in his mouth.!

For what it is worth I would take the cardigan back but make it clear you are going to buy something warm either jumper or cardigan.She has to know that you are in charge but also that although you are sensitive to her views she cannot use this to get her own way.If there is no jumper or cardigan she likes then leave the shop without a fuss and no comment.If she is grumpy then try to make that her problem not yours.

Sorry hope that doesn't sound preachy,I'm sure this is a worse problems with girls!!Half to admit I gave up on jumpers for a long while just used long sleeve t shirts but miraculously the favourite item this year is zip up sweatshirt from Gap!Success!Trouble is he won't wear anything else!

My new strategy is to buy more than dd needs, bring it home, try on to see what fits/looks nice, and then let her choose what she likes. (For example, I bought 3 different Christmas/party dresses, and told her she could keep one.) I then take the "rejects" back to the shop.

It's much easier than taking her out to the shops with me - her stamina and attention span for shopping is too brief to make it worthwhile/pleasant. By doing it this way, she feels she's "chosen" her clothes, and then quite happily wears the things that have been bought for her without a battle.

It's a pain, and alot of extra running around, but seems to be a solution that works for us.

My brother was like this as a chld, still is to some exyend. The socks battle rings a bell, also he used to insist on only one brand of jogging bottoms, and would insist on only one brand of shoes (for years and years!), had to have his drinks filled to a certain line in his cup or he wouldn't drink them, etc etc.

My ds is 6 and has been like this since forever. As with most parenting dilemmas you need to get a balance between respecting their feelings but not letting them take the piss.

It's worth trying to be as unemotional as possible and get her to try and define exactly what it is she does and doesn't like -texture, style, colour etc to help you assess better what will and won't work for her. Having said that, a lot of it is irrational my ds has two pairs of nearly-identical trousers, one of which he will wear, and one he won't. No idea why.

Secondly, as others have said, give up buying expensive clothes. Go to Primark and Oxfam, and put the word out that you're happy to accept anybody's handmedowns. That way you can assemble, reasonably cheaply, a largish collection of clothes that meet most of her criteria. Give up the idea that there exists the perfect item of clothing that will suddenly turn her into a nonfussy child -- that way lie insanity and an overdraft.

Then back right off, let her pick out her own clothes in the morning and dress herself. Don't comment on her choices, don't make suggestions. If she can't choose, you can set a timer, saying she has to be finished by 8am or you'll choose for her.

The crucial thing is to not let it turn into a power struggle. Once they see they can get a rise out of you then all the genuine sensory, fashion and comfort issues will become secondary to the kiddie power-trip, which is always bad news.

Ds now 18 was like this. It was always about the 'feel' of clothing or odd things like that. 'Dry' socks were a particular problem. He couldn't bear his school jumper, and the regulation long sleeved shirts also. As for shoes!!!! Nightmare!!! And he was supposed to wear a school cap but he could never,ever stand having anything on his head. Can't think now how the problems resolved but somehow we muddled through. He now buys his own clothes (we pay him a clothing allowance) and he has become much more tolerant as he has got older. But some socks still bother him!
Actually his prep school helped a lot I think - they seemed to have a lot of experience of boys like ds and gradually 'broadened' him in every way.

Such a releif to find there are others with boys like this ,LOL at the dry socks!

Intears, my DD aged 7 is exactly the same (has been since she was about 4) and has her 'favourites' which she wears constantly and rejects everything else. I used to really stress about this and DH and DD have had some major falling outs. Now however, we always take her with us when buying clothes - I would never, never, never buy her something she hadn't been involved in choosing. The agreement we have is that we decide beforehand what we're looking for eg a long sleeved top or a skirt and then she chooses what she wants within that remit. Sometimes we say 'absolutely not' when she picks up something entirely unsuitable and it has taken a while for her to get over sulking when this happens but we always explain why it isn't OK. Now she accepts if we say 'no' and chooses something else.

Took her shopping last weekend to buy something nice to wear for Xmas day and for the first time ever, I can honestly say I like what she choose

Good luck, don't stress and don't cry - there are far more important things to worry about I've learnt.

Yes, 'dry' socks is a good one. Ds for ages had a thing about 'soft' trousers, which were bad for some reason, and 'hard' trousers which were good. As far as we could work out, the difference related to whether or not the trousers had a button and zip, rather than the actual texture of the material. He also went through an extraordinary phase of wearing cycling shorts with white knee socks, and another of wearing his older sister's outgrown Barbie pyjama top every day (and night) for about four months. I used to wash it while he was in the bath.

Best not to devote too much brainspace to working out the whys and wherefores, IME. If it turns into too much of a windup, you can train a 5yo to use the washing machine. Once I made ds take responsibility for his own laundry, all sorts of previously rejected clothes suddenly became much more acceptable to him.

I have always had a 'texture' thing about food & clothes... e.g. a woolly polo neck as a child would drive me crazy & I would end up in floods of tears. So understand where your lo's are coming from! Might be cheaper in the long run, as I have always gone for comfy clothes, so never been a high maintenance clothes horse

My neice is like this and is now 7 yp. She has been like this since 4 yo. She used to wear dresses but now it just old joggers or baggy trousers, t.shirts and shorts with huge trainers even in the summer months. When she goes to parties it doesn't get any better! She looks neglected and my sister just despairs. My dd on the other hand loves dressy stuff so put them together and it's quite funny. My neice now lives in SE Asia and still hates having to wear skirts for school despite the heat. She is happy though which I suppose is the main thing. Oh she also hates having her hair brushed which just tops off the look beautifully She's lovely tough!

Oh yes, no hair brushing, that's another favourite in our household too

Actually, I know where they are coming from about 'dry' socks. They rub on your toenails like cotton wool

should read She's lovely though not tough!