In tears over dd1 and her attitude to clothes

[intears]

She is 6. She has a very definite sense of what she does and deosnt want to wear and its a pain but usually I go with it. For example I bought her 5 tops from Tesco a couple of months ago and she only ever wears one of them. She has 4 skirts and only ever wears one - unfortunatly the top is brown and pink and the skirt is purple paisley. She will only wear a certain pair of tights, some dont 'feel right' or a 'scratchy'. So she can look a real fright sometimes. If i force it she will scream and tantrum and cry hysterically. Its not a matter of wanting to look like a princess all the time, its a really obsessive weird attitude that I find really hard. I bought her a lovely sweatshirt top yesterday from Fat Face, it was £22, a real splashout for us as we are quite skint. I thought it would be perfect as she has literally NO cardigans that fit her. she threw a complete fit and refused to wear it. I was quite calm and said, ok I will take it back and get my money back. She wanted me to get her a differnt one but quite honestly I have no interest in getting something else she refuses to wear. So Isaid no I would get my money back. I was really upset as she has mufti day on Friday and I dont know what she will want to wear, probably a vest and a skirt!! something bonkers and freezing cold.

Then she threw a fit as she didnt want to wear her pleated school skirt. I ended up throwing all her school clothes on the floor and going upstairs in floods of tears. telling her I didnt care, she could look like a ragamuffin for all I cared I had had enough.

Her dad has taken her to school and she was trying to apologise and I am afraid I wouldnt really have it - she has apologised so many times before and still I have a wardrobe full of clothes that she finds some excuse not to wear. I know this all sounds trivial but I am really upset and fed up about it. Especially as I have a younger dd who will wear anything happily.

Read the out of sych child by carol someoneorother. on Amazon. Good for advice on sensory stuff.

My autistic son used to be very fussy about what he wore. We did a daily sensory programme (rubbing different textures on his skin, using vibrating toothbrushes, massagers etc) and he's pretty good now. Will wear belts and hats. Today at school he was dressed up as a xmas tree with a woolly hat with tinsel on, a paper outfit with flashinng lights- there's no way he could have tolerated wearing any of that a year ago.

oh ds1's school have now got him eating baked beans as well which I am stunned at- he hasn't been able to eat anything "wet" for a good 3 or 4 years.

Oh Jimjams! What a fantastic picture of your ds! I bet you were so moved. Sounds wonderful.

I was incredibly fussy about food textures as a kid - hated anything wet and jellified - jelly, custard, pasta, pearl barley...still feel like that quite a lot tbh.

My DS has been like this since he was 2.5. He is 4 now asnd will only wear certain clothes (like fleece jumpers but only a Gap one and one my Mum sent from Spain and only tops with stripes and he wears long sleeved t-shirts with short sleeved ones over the top, all the labels have to be cut out ya de ya de ya de. Once I stopped buying him clothes and let him choose his own it did get wasier as although he doesn't have many to choose from he will wear anything in his drawers.

DD doesn't like wearing clothes that have metallic thread woven into them -she always describes it as feeling itchy, although I can't feel it myself.

This is all very familiar

My DD is especially sensitive on the socks and tights front - the seams really can distress her if they are in the 'wrong' place.

As for clothes, I don't buy any at all now unless she is with me and chooses them. That way she can feel the fabric and decide whether she likes the 'feel' of it.

She too in the past has had wardrobe's full of clothes that have never been worn and it just isn't worth spending money on stuff she won't wear.

Generally she isn;t a difficult child, actually quite biddable except for this area. Its not worth sweating over when there is an obvious remedy -she comes shopping with you twice a year and chooses some clothes that she will then wear!

DD is so keen to choose her own clothes that she now spends all her pocket and present money on them

sorry if repeating but imo it sounds like a combination of

1. highly sensitive child book may help

and/or

2. usual/normal parent-child development.. of which you must do all the usual things - not giving attention, not being too anxious, basically not adding fuel to the fire.

It must be annoying for you - but try and step back and remember she is 6.
Perhaps she is finding her identity etc.

Not a bad thing?

oh is this so familiar. My dd1started this at 2 when her little sister arrived now her sister nearly 2 is at it but I have found that I can usually get enough on them to keep them warm and have left it at that. It raises a couple of eye brows but we all need some thing to amuse us during the day. They are getting the hang of it now dd1 will only wear dresses or skirts and she get too choose them (i can'nt face the shopping treck with both so either i get a selection and we return the rejects or we look on line) She really knows what she wants. shoes she chooses and the fitter will usually persuade her that the sturdy ones would be better than the slippers. Then we have a range of very cheep socks or tights or slipp on shoes all fairly wierd and wonderfull that she can wear in side at home. I feel it is her stamping her indipendance and character on her self, I always wanted to do it when i was little and always lost the battle with my mum I think it may have contibuted to my rather wild behaviour later on, taste of freedom etc. So dd2 is following in her sisters footsteps and resists either my dressing her or her sisters offers of help. she is in to layering two vests a hat or two a dress trosusers another skirt etc she finds it difficult to walk in and we can usually get it to a safe mix. Socks and tights has been the rage this week along with indoor hats and gloves they soon heat up and take them off.

My brother had the sock thing, he hated nylon socks and really cringed at them (like fingernails on a blackboard he said).

Ds (nearly 4) is also very fussy and only wants short-sleeved t-shirts. Several of the mums at his nursery have commented that "he's wearing short-sleeves in this weather",(he also strips off jumper as soon as he gets there). He has so many clothes that he now never wears but his most hated item is a top from Next - "no mummy, not the Little Geezer shirt".

I think children do find some clothes uncomfortable. I just go along with it and let him choose his own clothes.

intears, could you perhaps take dd shopping and tell her specifically to choose a jumper/cardigan or whatever else she needs.

wow that highly sensitive child book sounds JUST like dd1!

weird

KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!
My 5 year dd old went through that phase badly around 3 - is still quite fussy - and my ds (2) also has strong views on what he would like to wear. It's a quandry - isn't it? You want them to look nice / be warm and you don't want other people to think that you as parent must be either dirt poor, mad, cruel and neglectful or have no taste. What I did/still do - which seems to work, but don't know if mine are extreme as your's sounds - is (1) always shop with them - even on-line. ( sometimes I show them on-line and then get it without them.) Choose what you think is nice, suitable whatever and choose 3-6 items. Present the range of choice and ask them to choose. Even if they have picked something else out, force a choice from your selection. Then maybe consider also getting their own original choice as a bonus. If she likes none then try putting them all back nonchalantly and get yourself something instead.. It infuriates my children when I act like something's no big deal. Mummy being really cross also works at other times - just have to judge it. Ultimately they always do choose and think it was their idea, as they had the power to make final choice. I also do this with clothes selection, day to day. DD can wear her -mad' clothes on the understanding that she changes if we can out. Sort of dressing up clothes. A bit of threat of punishment mixed with a bit of bribery / dealing and reason.

DD once was the only child to have her tea at a kids club in Greece totally naked - as she threw a fit when I tried to change wet swimming costume for shorts and top. I was furious! so decided to embarrass her. It worked! She also went to nursery in pyjamas once. I know that age 6 is obviously harder to deal with in that sense. That's where 'choice' and 'deals' come in.

I do allow her to express her original sense of dress, though - currently it is three skirts of varying lengths, one on top of the other. She is warm and presentable (if a little gypsy-like) and people usually just think she's a bit of a creative individual! My problem is trousers (she is a skirt, dress girl, pref pink, purple etc). As long as I reasonably present the case for trousers ( ie we are HIKING, dd) and maybe do'a deal' ( she can wear that frilly top under the coat).

I agree with someone else's comment about not spending too much money, but then again I know EXACTLY what you mean about the expensive top. My husband also bought dd a top from Fat face. Should have been perfect - pink, nice embroidered snowflake on front, hooded, soft etc. No! Neck was too high! She wears it sometimes on the agreement that she can wear it with favourite skirt ( luckily because all her clothes are shades of pink, red, purple, mauve, they 'kind of' go - even if they look a little mad!

What more can you do! The more you fight it, the worst it gets - you need to find the bargaining ground - especially when she is being 'reasonable. Maybe get her more involved, or at least make her think she is. Also try and get clothes all within a colour palette ( if poss!).
Good luck! Please don't get too upset! You are not alone!

i dont get it. sorry. my kids were always told what to wear - and wore it. 3 completely different kids in attitude style taste etc. wore what they were bloody told too - none of this farting about. i dont understand it at all and dont think unless there is an autism factor applied that its anything else but pandering at ages 5 ( or under fgs) to at least 7.

my dh always makes the huge mistake of asking " what do you want for tea" to replies of - oh i dont want that again - or - i want this and she wants that and he wants the other - he would cook 5 different meals if the kids had their way - well no no no i tell thee, you eat what is cooked or tough doo doo.

wear whats clean mate - or go nekkid - simple as that. and if you dont like it at 5 years old then get a job "but am only 5" whimpers the kid - oh so i buy the clothes then eh? cool, now we know where we stand - wear them.

I'm with Custardo on this one. I know that children with eczema or extremely high sensory awareness can be genuinely uncomfortable with certain clothes but I think normal children should be guided by their parents as to what to wear.
I had lots of problems with ds1 about clothes. So in the end I moved all his clothes into my bedroom and only put out every day what he was wearing. If he didn't wear them, then he had a choice - to put them on or go to nursery/school in his pyjamas. We had massive tantrums, were late arriving for nursery & school, even left the house on a few occasions in pyjamas, but after about a week the message sunk in that I meant what I said.
With dd, I never allowed it to become an issue by giving her a choice of two options.
Could you temporarily put all her clothes somewhere else and give her very restricted options? Compliance could be rewarded by wearing a favourite top or skirt on Saturdays?

where are you intears?

custardo I think that approach is great if that is how you parent. I don't personally parent like that so would need a personality transplant before I could do it your way. Still I bet it is very effective and you don't have half the stress I have.

Still I rather like to pander to my kids occasionally and then obviously moan about what a nightmare they are ;)

Usually I would agree with Custy on things like this, and golly is it ever handy that I have 2 boys who let me choose their clothes and maybe always will. But I also have a DD who is also fussy about clothes; only wears certain style dresses.

The clothes have to be comfortable on her skin; there are lots of clothes styles I wouldn't wear because they were too tight on my arms or neck... she's just the same.

But whereas I don't care much how I look, DD does like to look pretty and be comfortable (thus a dress, but only ones that feel comfortable to her). I don't think that is unreasonable of her at all. Even if she is only 4. We pick most of her clothes together; only things like knickers, sox, tights or leggings (worn under her dress, anyway) would I choose without her... unless it's a good buy in a charity shop & therefore I wouldn't begrudge the money if she doesn't like something I chose.

My DD is exactly like this and so I can sympathise Intears I have felt the same many a time! If I offer to take her shopping to choose something when we get there she says she doesn't like or want anything, she hates shopping so if I pick something up she will say "no don't like it", it is so very frustrating. I bought her a top yesterday and took it into school as it was her Xmas party, she was so glad that I had brought something that she didn't complain but wasn't too happy because she had to take her vest off as it showed underneath the top. She hates anything that reveals her shoulders and never likes to wear skirts.

We have some real battles in our house and we are both so stubborn (two Aquarians) that we are often late for school.

oh intears I am sorry.
FWIW here is my experience with dd. When she was 2.5 she would not wear skirts, a dress I got her for Christmas day was worn maybe 3 times.
By the followign yr, 3.5 and wouldn't wear trousers.
Now (4.5) she has mellowed tho still prefers skirts/dresses will accept that sometimes trousers more appropriate.
So it is perhaps not uncommon. How long has yr dd been like this? Could it be (like mine) a phase she will grow out of?

hmmmm reading this, I realise I might have sensory issues with clothes as well. Hate that metallic thread in jumper - in fact wearing one now and have just come to the realisation why I hardly ever wear it. when I was a kid, I used to only wear one comfy dress all the time. But my mum's taste in clothes was also a bit dire . My policy is to wear as few clothes as possible, taking seasonal conditions into account.

But don't go so far as to cut labels off clothes.

Sorry you are having a hard time of it, intears. But if I recall of my childhood, I was definitely not trying to wind my mum up. No way I would have got into a scratchy outfit. The ladies here have given you some good advice on the likes of me and your dd. Let her roadtest clothes first if possible before buying or get her clothes you don't mind leaving aside.

Surely if you buy nice comfortable cotton clothes to wear next to their skin, with cotton/lycra tights and use non-biological washing powder - it can't actually be irritating unless they have a skin condition.
You don't have to spend a fortune either. I get nearly all my kids stuff from Asda or Primark and it is all cotton - apart from stretchy things. They have wool or fleece jumpers but they are not actually in contact with their skin. If labels feel hard & scratchy, I cut them out.
I don't like itchy, scratchy clothes or sweaty nylon stuff - so I don't buy it. As far as I know people without skin conditions should be comfortable in cotton.

Thank you everyone for your really well thought out advice.

I do realise that dd1 is highly sensitive and these things really do matter to her. She is very different from her sister who is easy going but can be capricious. I think its probably easy to think that she is just spoilt but it is more than that.

Anyway I took the top back. We had a cuddle when she got back and I said that we would always go shopping together in future but if she had to get a certain thing we had to get it. She was happy with that. I actually ended up speaking to my health visitor who has followed dd1 since birth and we agreed that she does have issues with new things/changes in routine/is very sensitive. That book sounds great, I will get it. Thank you again everyone.

Glad you feel better intears, sounds like you have both reached an understanding that you're both happy with.

I recommend the Highly Sensitive child book as well, it really sums up my DD and has helped me to understand her a lot better. She has sensory issues as part and parcel of her dyspraxia. Accepting that she's not trying to wind me up but genuinely feels uncomfortable has made the situation much much better. Also, she's improving as she gets older, she's nearly 7 now. She unfortunetly had nits and I was dreading having to comb her hair with a nit comb, but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it would have been a couple of years ago.