'Spoiling Baby' Advice needed!! New mum

[bailey2310]

Hello, new confused mum here!
I have never posted on this site, although I have been reading the topics and always found them to be a great source of helpful info and advice.
I couldn't find a topic relating to my post, (probably looking in the wrong place!), so I thought I'd ask for my fellow 'mumsnetters' wisdom.
I have a 5 week DS, who is very hard to settle. I had quite a long, traumatic labour resulting in an emergency c - section.
Upon advice I've taken him to a cranial osteopath which helped. However, in the last couple of weeks DS will not sleep through day unless he is held. I do rock him off, swaddle him and tried just about every other method I've been told about, or read about.
While he does go off, he has to be held to do do. No problem there, but even after he has gone to sleep as soon as I put him down, within 15 minutes he wakes.
This is my problem. If I leave him to cry as soooo many people have advised me to do, he just gets more worked up and upset and his cries intensify. I always pick him up and soothe him which stops the crying. Mostly, he won't go back off but I'm really confused by the school of 'let him cry , you are making a rod for your own back' and the school of ' you need to pick him up'.
Is he too young to be so manipulative, which is what I personally think? Or should I be less inclined to pick him up, even when he is really distressed?
He is very alert and I do feel that I am doing what is best for my baby by responding to him when he cries like this. It's just all and sundry keep telling me that if I continue to do this I will spoil him and encourage bad habits as he gets older. Due to my inexperience I don't feel confident enough to dispute what I've been told but I don't feel inclined to fully accept it either.
How much older? When do you stop and what advice can other mums give me?
Many thanks for any advice, I really need it!!

You cannot spoil a baby .. particularly not one of this age

You also shouldn't leave him to cry .. he's only just be born .. he's not used to being aloe

yes he's too young to be manipulative .. have you tried a sling and let him sleep in that .. kangaroo pareniting

it is only from about 6 months that you should consider forcing them into a routine and anyway they change so much in the first few months

I would follow your gut instinct .. it sounds spot on to me

oh and congratulations .. ignore other people's advice unless you ask for it ..

the best skill you can learn at this stage is the ability to smile and nod and ignore other people's opinions

sorry for all the appalling typos .. hope what I said was legible

I always picked my DD up when she cried (not aht she did all that often) more often than not she fell asleep on me, we coslept until she was 9 months.

I got all the "spoiling her" "rod for your own back" "she'll be sleeping at you when shes 9 etc" she's 16 mo now sleeps in her own bed all night is a dream to get off to sleep, she goes up to her room gets put in her cot and left and she falls asleep.

I honestly do not believe you can spoil a 5 week old baby, up until a few weeks ago he was being carried in your body, they are so small and just need to be held. Do what you feel is right if you want to carry him then do it, you can sleep train etc when he's older don't worry about that right now just do what feels right for you. 5 week olds cannot be manipulative he just needs to be close to his mummy.

Good luck

Your instincts are lovely and your baby is lucky to have a caring and empathetic mummy

Ignore anyone who tells you to do something you don't want to do. Enjoy your baby: hold him, cuddle him, soothe him. It's what you are for!

Oh I'm about to have no 2 am buying a sling and will be carrying her around as well.

Pick him up, he's far too young to be manipulative. Do what you think is best and really, really, ignore people who make stupid comments about rods and backs, come here instead!

he is much too young to be manipulative!
But it is tiring for you having to hold him all day and it would be good if he could sleep by himslef. One thing that MAY help is putting him down for a nap sooner. It may be that he is getting overtired and so the only thing that will settle him is you. A good rule of thumb at this age is that if he has been awake for about an hour and a half/2 hours (max) during the day, he needs to go to sleep. Maybe try it over the next couple of days - look at the clock when he wakes, give him a feed, give him a cuddle/play, wrap him up and plop him in bed (with a little rock if necessary) within an hour and three quarters. Or plop hm in his pram and take him around the block until he sleeps.

My other thought is that maybe he doesn't like lying down. The waking himself up crying after 15 mins is odd. Does he throw up a lot? Or even if not, is he very windy? Does he take lots of small feeds? I'm wondering if he might be a bit reflux-y, but I don't have any personal experience of this. It maybe that he likes you picking him up because he prefers to be vertical. Hmmmm. Good luck!

i think you should do what works for you. if he settles if you pick him up, then do that. he's still very young.

Argh, in the time it took me to write a massive epistle, loads of people had said what I was trying to say anyway.

Basically, you can't spoil a tiny baby and he is utterly incapable of being manipulative. Ignore anyone who uses words like that about a 5-week-old. Trust your instincts and you will both be a lot happier.

Agree it's worth trying a sling. And buying a pair of earplugs for when you're in the company of people who use the phrase rod for your own back'. Or a t-shirt that says 'It's my rod and my bloody back, so please f* off'

oo snafu .. where do you get those from?

you could also try one of the many sling arrangements ..there is a strange name for carrying your abay with you but he might need that secvurity (and i think certainly at this age there is evidence to suggest that a baby who is not left to cry becomes a more independent and secire baby than one who is left crying..)

baby wearing is the expression I was trying to think of..google that and you will find lots of ideas!

My baby had bad reflux when he was little and would only go to sleep if he was being held, night or day. If we put him down he would throw up and thus wake himself up again. It was v time-consuming but I don't regret it at all - admittedly there were two of us so it was semi-manageable, but even so. As he got older and the reflux controlled with Infant Gaviscon he got out of the habit fairly easily and now sleeps happily on his own.

I am very anti the "let them cry it out" school of thought for babies of this age, and think that you need to go with your instincts. This is your baby, no-one else's (well, obv your dh/p's as well!) and you should do what you think is best.

A sling may well be a useful compromise as Twiglett suggests. My ds was never wild about the idea but would sleep in it occasionally.

I think I would say never do the "let them cry it out" thing unless you believe it's the right thing for your baby, otherwise it's just heartbreak.

Hi,

Just another post of the same advice . I picked up my DS whenever he cried as a baby and he's now approaching 3 years old. It didn't spoil him - he sleeps 12 hours a night despite the fact that everyone told me I was "making a rod for my own back". Go with your instincts - you're doing a lovely job in helping him to understand that the world is a kind and friendly place and that if he is distressed his Mum will cook after him - nothing wrong with that at all.

How long? I went through some sleep training with my DS when he was 8 months old as he constantly woke at 4am and needed me to settle him back - we sorted that out in the space of 2 weeks and since then he's always slept all night (apart from when he's not been well).

Your not spoiling your DS - you're being a lovely, comforting and nurturing Mum and he will benefit from it.

Bailey, it looks like you have all the right instincts. Your little one is still wee, go to him and give him all the cuddles he needs. My dd was the same - just hated being alone, being on her back, wanted to be carried around all the time to see things. She is over 2 now and hasn't showed signs of spoiling, on the contrary You are doing great !

sp "his Mum will cook after him "

I meant "LOOK" after him - of course

you can't spoil a baby. A baby that cries to be held is normal. Trust your instincts.

hello bailey
your ds sounds exactly like my dd1 at this age! I agree with the others, he is too young to be spoilt, just keep him happy.
Dd1 changed her habits several times in her first year. eg 3 months - she started to get interested in toys. 6 months - she would sit and play for about 10 minutes. 7 months - crawling and independence!
She has always been a person-oriented person, rather than thing-oriented, and I believe this was why she was so keen on being held, right from a tiny baby.
Did you see the recent thread on MN about recent research showing why it is bad to leave babies crying, by the way?

Just wanted to add, bailey, if you are worried about sleep, my dd, the sleep-fighting, "never fell asleep in cot from awake" baby now asks to be to bed. Some babies take longer than others to surrender to sleep on their own and stay asleep. But it will come with time and in the meantime, your loving efforts at holding, rocking etc are a gentle lesson to baby that sleep is a loving state to be in.

Bailey, it looks like you have all the right instincts. Your little one is still wee, go to him and give him all the cuddles he needs. My dd was the same - just hated being alone, being on her back, wanted to be carried around all the time to see things. She is over 2 now and hasn't showed signs of spoiling, on the contrary You are doing great !

Hi all, thank you so much for your responses, I'm really appreciative.
Princess raised an interesting point about DS laying on his back, as yes, he is a very windy baby and goes to sleep easily laying on my chest. I have been advised to put him to sleep on his back though, which is advice I have followed.
I've been using Infacol to help the wind and additionally, during night feeds he does tend to nod off and go back to sleep in his moses basket without a problem, provided he is actually fully asleep.
You don't know what a relief it is to read both the supportive and encouraging words that you have all taken the time to write. I was never very maternal, not even through my pregnancy. I was actually very concerned about this during the last few months, as mums I knew and could talk freely with as well as info I read said I would start to experience these feelings, but I didn't until he was actually born.
This explains half the reason why everyone who knows me has an opinion that they feel they should share with me. Due to my previous non maternal - never - have- kids -self!!
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the input, advice and general help and kindness they are showing me but as I said, it just doesn't feel right to me in regards to this scenario and I don't feel comfortable about it.
Thankfully, with your combined experience I feel as though I'm not as in adept as I thought, as so many of you have agreed and supported my gut instincts, thank you so much.
That isn't a 'thanks' for agreeing with me, just in case that comes across wrong, it's a 'thanks' for making me realise I'm not as crap at this mum lark as I thought!!
Thank You all again.

Bailey, you are doing a great job. Instinct is all and you seem to be following yours! Also remembering that there are no rules with babies - something that works for one doesn't work for another, and the day that you think "ah, I'm beginning to crack this baby lark" is the day they COMPLETELY change and start doing something else!

If it is a bit of a not-wanting-to-be-vertical thing, then propping up a cot at one end a bit with a couple of fat books (I've always found Oxford Shorter English Dictionaries to be useful ) might make a difference. If he is still in a moses basket then prop up the cot and stick the basket in the cot. Might be worth doing just to see if it makes a bit of a difference, sleeping on an incline....

bailey well done for following your instincts so far
I am in absolute agreement with the other posters who tell you are NOT making a rod for your own back
I have a 2.5 yo dd who was picked up, carried, comforted, held in a sling, co-slept, bfed to sleep and genreally RUINED as a baby. She slept through the night at 3 months and still does at 2.5. she is quite the least clingy child you could possibly imagine.
keep smiling and try to enjoy this lovely time.

(Snafu if you would like to start making those t shirts commercially I will take two please )

sorry I actually came on to say - have you tried letting him sleep in his bouncy chair? dd2 (4 weeks) seems to sleep much better in a reasonably upright position, on my chest, but if I have to put her down then she often sleeps sitting up effectively (she is also quite windy). the other thing is that it is OK AFAIK for babies to sleep on their tummies or sides if you you are with them and watching them all the time, e.g. ont he sofa during the day, just not at night or if they are unattended.
hth

agree with gist of what other posters have said. 5 weeks is too young to be manipulative. Your baby might like a bouncy chair or a swing. (best to beg/borrow rather than buy as swings especially can be very pricey)