Hair Dye and school

[herballady]

My 13 year old daughter dyed her hair from dark blond to read in the last week of the holidays it looks great but when she went into School on Friday she was told she has to dye it brown by Monday or she will be sent home. She was also told along with another girl with read hair that she was ?a waste of time?

I can?t understand why they are doing this surely it?s a personal decision what colour your hair is and as she is young it should be between me, her father and her. I made sure she thought long and hard before she decided to go-ahead and it dose look lovely.
I would like to add that she has a perfect record when it comes to behaviour all her teachers say she is a pleasure to have in there class. She has recently been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty bullying which knocked her confidence a great deal so this is the last thing she needs.
I grow up with a mother that was very strict and as a result when I was older I went completely off the rails. I want to give my own children the space to express themselves that I never had and that?s what she is doing. Is this wrong?
Also none of the girls with very bleached blond hair where pulled aside and told to change it why was that?

I would be grateful for any advice as to how to handle this with her school.

Depends on what the published school rules are. Though I agree the highlights and bleach jobs are just as much dyed and unnatural as your DD's and I think you could respectfully ask the authorities to tackle that or clarify it in case your DD wants to have highlights. Is it the dyeing or the colours that are verboten?

Are you mixing up the bullying issue with the hair issue here? Were you unhappy with the school for how they handled the bullying? Are you happy to see your DD able and willing to stand out in the crowd because she was picked on previously? Are you trying to get your own back vicariously for allowing bullying?

I think school uniforms etc., are a waste of time myself personally, having worn them from age 4 to 18, though the DCs wore uniforms through their years in a school where uniform and an appearance code was compulsory, and since those were the rules I did my part at home to make sure they complied. The HS in the US where the oldest went had no uniform and a bare minimum dress code instead. Most of the students had a very 'uniform' look that was in the end dictated by the cold winter weather. (Very right on climate change protest afoot) Nothing too rad here either afaics. Out of a student body of 3,500 there were never too many who felt there was much of a boundary to push, hairwise. The only student who stood out in my mind for hair colour was DD2's classmate who had gender issues and dyed his/her hair a different shade of pink weekly for a while.

mathanxiety I don't think that there will ever be that many kids who feel the need to visibly differentiate themselves to be 'an individual'. Your pictures show this to be the case.

In the case of our local school I think that they would be better served by getting rid of the uniform entirely. The girls currently in hotpants and opaques would probably get back into jeans :)

OP I am intrigued to know what you decided to do?

YABU. The school had rules on hair colour and your DD should be encouraged to stick to them. You must have known the ruled before you let her die her hair. My friend's 15 year old DD dyed her hair a lovely reddish colour at the beginning of the school holidays but she had now gone back to her normal colour because that's the school rules.

Thank you to everyone who have posted their encouragement I have been off line for a time as my father-in-law is very ill in hospital but is now making good recovery.
My father-in-law was once the head of science at Badminton Girls School and he is behind me and my DD on this as he said ?it shouldn?t matter a damn what colour her hair is?
The school have written to me and said that they will not be moved on this.
I am very nervous of any workplace or school that would have rules about hair colour remember it?s only a very short time ago when it was believed to be ok to make assumptions about peoples skin colour.
We need to be teaching our children not to make judgments based on appearances. I know many people in with dreads, tattoos and brightly coloured hair that have more integrity and respect for there fellow human beings than some I know who travel to Lordan to have there hair done by top stylist and dress in Armani.
My hair is a very personal thing for me it is part of my body. I feel that if I tell my DD that she must change it I?m sending her a very negative message about who should have control of her body.
For all parents that think that I shouldn?t have allowed her to put a semi permanent dye on her hair. This is what she wanted and I respect her right to individuality. I do not want my DD to be a copy of me, nor do I want her to become a faceless drone in school or the workplace.

Children will rebel they will express themselves. The more needlessly controlling parents and schools are the more young people will resent us. They will not listen to us if they feel that they are not listened to. They will rebel all the more.
Parents and schools that refuse to bend often end up broken by the very children that they were trying to over protect, control or educate.

Thank you to everyone who have posted their encouragement I have been off line for a time as my father-in-law is very ill in hospital but is now making good recovery.
My father-in-law was once the head of science at Badminton Girls School and he is behind me and my DD on this as he said ?it shouldn?t matter a damn what colour her hair is?
The school have written to me and said that they will not be moved on this.
I am very nervous of any workplace or school that would have rules about hair colour remember it?s only a very short time ago when it was believed to be ok to make assumptions about peoples skin colour.
We need to be teaching our children not to make judgments based on appearances. I know many people in with dreads, tattoos and brightly coloured hair that have more integrity and respect for there fellow human beings than some I know who travel to Lordan to have there hair done by top stylist and dress in Armani.
My hair is a very personal thing for me it is part of my body. I feel that if I tell my DD that she must change it I?m sending her a very negative message about who should have control of her body.
For all parents that think that I shouldn?t have allowed her to put a semi permanent dye on her hair. This is what she wanted and I respect her right to individuality. I do not want my DD to be a copy of me, nor do I want her to become a faceless drone in school or the workplace.

Children will rebel they will express themselves. The more needlessly controlling parents and schools are the more young people will resent us. They will not listen to us if they feel that they are not listened to. They will rebel all the more.
Parents and schools that refuse to bend often end up broken by the very children that they were trying to over protect, control or educate.

Whether you like it or not the fact is that most British schools do have uniform rules and that is something you should consider when you choose a school. Rules on jewellery and hair dyeing are often part of the uniform rules. Dd's school has a rule that you are only allowed natural hair colours, i.e. you can dye your blond hair brown but not purple.

I am a little torn on the subject.

Having grown up in Sweden I know that it is perfectly possible to run a functioning and disciplined school without any rules about appearance at all.

But otoh I would think a child who had to be allowed to dye her hair for fear that she would become a rebel was a pretty shallow person.
(and yes, I have children of similar ages)

imho it doesn't hurt for children to get used to the idea that a lot of workplaces will require a dress code and often for a good reason: you may be a lovely person in your dreadlocks and tattoos but if your appearance puts people off from buying your product your loveliness and sense of individuality won't be of much help to your employer

In a school situation, what they are worried about is that children brought up to cherish their individuality above everything else will think they are entitled to cherry pick among the rules: so some will decide they don't approve of homework, others will ignore the rules on mobile phones in school, yet others will decide they have more important things to do than turn up for their lessons- and for each of these behaviours there will be some parents who back their pupils up. The school simply can't afford a situation where it's pupils and parents who decide which rules get followed.

The skin colour comparison doesn't really stand up - the issue here is not your daughter's natural hair colour and it is not about the natural colour of eyes either.

It is about hair dying.

The school says dyed hair is unacceptable. If that is the rule, then I agree with the other posters who say it is to be abided by.

If it is not being consistently applied (eg those with highlights), then challenge the inconsistencies. When a teacher is making unwarranted "waste of space" comments, tackle the inappropropriate remarks. But neither if this two separate issues support a case to break a school rule.

Does anyone else find it ironic that children are apparently expressing their individuality by dying their hair/wearing their skirts short/ties wide - in other words doing EXACTLY the same as the other kids!

True individuality is NOT being a sheep. It's having the confidence to respect the rules you (or your parents) choose when they choose your school/home area etc, and not being afraid to do so. Listening to music you like, becuase you like it, not because everyone else likes Rihanna/JLS/wheoever. Doing an activity becuase YOU like it, even if no-one else does and everyone thinks you're a loser for doing it.

THAT is true individuality. THAT is what parents should be encouraging. NOT that dying your hair red/blue/green is fine becuase it's 'expressing yourself'. FFS

I don?t think I?m reacting from the bullying although I understand how it could be possible but the School acted very swiftly with the bullying and stamped it out once it was known about.
I just feel that it?s her body. I know my hair is a very personal thing to me I wouldn?t want someone dictating to me what it should look like.
I also feel we shouldn?t have one rule for adults and one for children especially teenagers who want so badly to experiment and express themselves, without very good reasons, semi-permanent dye without harmful chemicals is a very safe way

I didn?t know about the rule before she dyed her hair. It was a complete shock to me especially as so many other kids have dyed hair. If I had known would have said no lets talk to the school first. But I would still be trying to get the rule changed

Well, we do have separate rules for adults and children - children have to be receiving education, for a start. If you choose school, then its rules are part of the package.

BTW: was her hair dyed an ordinary auburn sort of shade, or are we talking tomato ketchup colour?

This is what she wanted and I respect her right to individuality

Fine. Find her a school without rules she doesn't like then.

You may have to look for a school that is more in line with your attitude, the clashes may just intensify as she progresses through the school.
Is it part of the school uniform policy?
That's usually where you find the rules on clothing, tattoos and piercings, jewellery, nail varnish, hairstyles and hair colour.
You can campaign to change things, but until then, your daughter may have to comply. Many secondaries would send a child home until they follow regulations.

I think the rules on hairdye in school are very subjective (I'm a comprehensive school teacher). IMO school uniform is wrong as it forces teachers to spend time arguing with pupils about uniform transgressions which would be better spent teaching. However if a school has a rule it has to be enforced otherwise it makes a mockery of ALL rules.

Herballady I think your point about skin colour is misguided as people don't choose to dye their skin but your daughter chose to dye her hair.

We have a rule that hair has to be "natural looking" which means that some dyeing is allowed but red certainly would not be. The bleach blonde thing is difficult and I know some colleagues have issues when they feel the hair is a problem but senior colleagues overrule them. My personal feeling is that if the hair would be suitable in a uniformed job (such as in a bank for example) then it should be OK in school. A dark red colour on someone with colouring that suits this would be fine. Some of the bleach blonde stuff certainly wouldn't be! And as for fake tan - well that's another story altogether!

Interestingly apparently 96% of schools have uniform and the studies that are trotted out about it enhancing the ethos of a school etc. are sponsored by the school uniform retailers association. (I read this in the Guardian www.guardian.co.uk/education/2011/jan/18/school-uniform-results). In this article there's a school that has a rule that states that clothes must be clean, comfortable and covered up - that's all.

A lot of my colleagues would abolish uniform if we could, but the opposition is felt to come from parents and governors who like to see kids in uniforms.

OP it is indeed her body.

So you'll be happy with your child getting piercings, tattoos, having sex, drinking?

I bet if you read your school rules it will say no outlandish hair colour allowed.
Equally the bleached blonds should be dealt with too.
Dd's school have had a number of bright red heads, which has faded to a horrible colour, making hair look dry and unkempt.

I suggest you HE as you seem to clash with the school. I agree with other posters that perhaps you feel at odds with the school because of the bullying.
Work with the school, not against it.

Its not about whether schools need uniform rules to function efficiently. It is the fact if a school has rules on uniform or hair colour they have to be obeyed. If one set of rules are flouted then a school starts to go down hill, as it send out the signal that rules do not matter.

As a parent it is your job to support these rules. There are lots of jobs where dyed hair is not acceptable, this is not prejudice on grounds of hair colour. My DCs school states clearly that "hair is to be of a natural colour".

Just for your information my DD got a detention yesterday because her skirt was too short, this was irritating as she was in one of her longer ones as she'd had a warning the day before. However I did no more than sympathise, and moan jokingly about having to buy her new ones. Today she has gone in in her longest skirt. It is irritating, but school rules are school rules.

I dyed my hair blue at that age.

I guess the real issue is whether the 'rules' have been issued to you in advance, or not. If they have, I'm afraid I think you will have to abide by them. If not, I think you should fight it.

I was "told off" by my wanker of a head teacher for having blue hair and he threatened to send me home, until I pointed out there was precisely nothing in the school rules that said I couldn't have blue hair (had checked beforehand!) He had to back down after that.

As for the wrong impression etc I agree that it is daft. I got good exam results all the way through and unlike many of my peers I never got arrested whilst wearing school uniform.

However, if the rules are there, and have been issued to you all, I think your daughter will have to compromise. It's not up to you to decide which school rules do and don't apply to your child. It's up to her to find creative ways of flouting the spirit of them whilst ostensibly toeing the line one of the great joys of being a teenager.

Ultimately if you decide to breach the hair rule, X's parents can decide to breach the sick note rules, Y's parents can say it's fine for their little darling to give someone else a smack because they're stressed... Chaos ensues.

I have bright red hair and spent many happy student years with pink hair, green hair and rainbow striped hair - I loved it.

I was not allowed to dye my hair at school, or at my part time job I worked during college when I was 16-18. I didn't like it but I respected the rules. There is plenty of time for unnatural hair dye once you're 18 as long as you're in a job that lets you! Our dress code for my office is that you have to look clean, tidy and professional - so a fairly bright red is considered okay but rainbow stripes would not. I'd still like rainbow hair but I prefer to not be sacked so I respect the rules.

"Boo hoo, she's otherwise a lovely well behaved girl and why can't she express her individuality" is a rubbish argument though - what if she considers wearing a belt-length skirt and see-through shirt to be expressing herself as an individual? Or turning up to lessons half way through, not handing in her homework? Schools have rules and you can campaign for them to be changed but in the mean time you have to follow them.

I think you should speak to the school and challenge this stance they have, since it is clearly important to you and your DD. These days, I think hair dye is not such a big issue. Fair enough, a thigh length see through skirt is hardly the same thing.

I went to a very strict girls school, where we had random uniform checks by the headmistress who literally measured our skirts. We weren't allowed hair gel never mind dye, only laced up shoes (this was after they did away with moses sandals after someone tripped on the stairs and broke their leg - the school didn't want their floors getting scuffed), only certian coloured hair bobbles allowed.
We need to face up to the fact that image is becoming increasingly important to teenagers, and there are more and more ways they can express themselves.

I don't think we should draw the line at hair dye. Yes, have rules on accessories and such things, piercings etc - but even nowadays there is a new story everyday in the papers about a child choosing to wear something different to school and it is accepted due to their human rights. e.g a nose piercing for religious reasons, a boy wearing a skirt in protest that he can't wear shorts, or even the most recent about a boy with gender dysmorphia returning to school as a girl.

Hair dye seems less extreme to me than some of these cases. It could be worse.

Miamama09 - did you just directly compare someone with gender dysmorphia to teenagers wanting to express themselves by dyeing their hair? What complete bollocks. Medical conditions and personal preference about your hair colour are in no way directly comparable!

I want to dye my hair green again, wear purple DMs and a torn t-shirt to work. I'm not allowed to, and I live with it. I can do what I want when I'm at home and use a wash in/out hair dye when I'm on a weeks leave. When I'm at work I follow the workplace rules, and the same applies to kids at school.

it was just an example of people using their human rights to get what they want from 'the system'.
not actually comparing the two, don't worry!

It's still a medical condition being compared to fashion preferences; I imagine that for schools that specify no completely shaven heads a teenager who wanted to shave their head for fashion reasons would get told no while someone who was undergoing chemotherapy would get a medical exemption from the rules.

At every school I've taught in, parents have had to sign a home/school agreement to say that they have read the school policy on everything (including uniform, hair colour etc.) and agree to adhere to it. I had the same conversation with a friend the other day who complained that her son had been put in Saturday detention for punching a boy in retaliation. I looked at her school's doumentation and it stated that any act of violence would be punished in such a way, whatever the circumstances. She'd signed it. Obviously not read it though!