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Original poster

Arghhh! - I screwed up, what SHOULD I do??? Sorry long

37 replies

SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 16:52

My DD has just started going to ballet. She had a couple of lessons and said she really enjoyed it. I took her in the day after her 4th birthday and DS ran in after her. I caught up with him to find her crying.
I asked what was wrong and she said she wanted a hug. I gave her a hug and she kept crying. The teacher asked what was wrong but DD clammed up.
She eventually said she had a headache and we went home.

On the way home we stopped at a supermarket and she was dancing and prancing about - headache mysteriously gone...No matter how much I asked her, she wouldn't tell me what had upset her. I just got a load of silly excuses (ie her hands were cold)

DD is an outgoing and independent sort of girl, we have never experienced this before. We decided that she was still overtired from her party.

However, we went today and she walked into the room and her face crumpled at the sight of the teacher and said she wanted to go home.

I asked her why and she wouldn't tell me. I got her shoes on and we left. Another mum told me to keep perservering, but I can't see why I should drive out to this village to get DD dressed for a class she wont do.

I got angry with her in the car as she still wouldn't tell me why she had cried. I am afraid I snapped and said that I would sell the ballet stuff on ebay since she didn't want to do ballet

How should I treat this? Why won't she talk to me?

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bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 07/12/2005 16:56

well I'm terrible to because I've just told my ds1 he'll have to go and live somewhere else because he threw a hissy fit when I went to pick him up from nursery and said he didn't want to come home. I would choose a time like in the bath when its all relaxed and casually ask her non leading questions about the teacher. see if you can glean what she doesn't like about her. things like "what does Mrs x do that's nice" perhaps?

LIZS · 07/12/2005 16:57

I had this when dd wanted to do ballet at just over 3. Even though her friend was there too she wouldn't go into the studio fro the class without me. I abandoned it as a bad job, don't see the point of persevering at such a young age, who benefits ? Perhaps try agaoin in the spring.

walkinginawinterBundleland · 07/12/2005 16:57

dd1 wouldn't leave go of my hand for the first 3 or 4 ballet lessons when she was nearly 4. Now she's Mad For It and adores her teacher. she does tap now, too.

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WigWamBam · 07/12/2005 16:58

Sounds as if she may be frightened of the teacher, but she's scared to tell you because she thinks you'll be upset - having got angry with her in the car has probably only convinced her that you'll be upset.

Can you sit down somewhere nice and quietly with her and ask her how she gets on with the teacher - is the teacher kind, does she smile and talk to all of the children, what sort of things does she do and say, blah blah blah. Or is there any chance you could stay with her for her next class - a, to settle her and b, to keep an eye on the teacher?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 07/12/2005 16:59

How old is your DS? You say he ran after her and you caught up... could he ahve done something or the teacher said something to him that your DD didn't like?

KBearthePolarBear · 07/12/2005 17:01

Had similar experience with dance classes when my DD was 4. It was modern dance, we went twice, she hated it and couldn't explain why. Turns out (found out weeks later) she didn't like it because she didn't know what she was doing and it was all a bit fast and she felt silly!

She tried ballet and three years later loves it, still goes every week without being pushed in the least.

My advice, don't make her go again. Find something else or just wait until she asks to go to a class of some sort. Usually they want to try what their school friends are doing, ie swimming lessons, tap, ballet.

cardy · 07/12/2005 17:12

Can you watch while she is dancing? perhaps you could ask the teacher if you can sit-in on the first few classes until she gets used to it.

My dd started ballet at 2.5 (if that is what you call it at that age). In the first class parents could sit around the edge of the room and watch. She is now in another class where parents have to sit outside (due to the size of the room) she didn't like this at first but has got used to it. She pops out half way through to change into tap shoes and likes to see that I am there. Sometimes she says she doesn't want to go (about every six weeks) and I don't make her go....she seems to want to go again a week or so later.

As for what happened to make her cry,perhaps try asking other questions e.g. is the teacher nice? what about the other girls/boys? Does hse like her pretty dress? Is it fun? is it difficult? The reason might come out bit by bit.

What is the teacher like? Traditionally ballet teachers can be a bit fierce.

Original poster
SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 17:14

She pestered me to do ballet as well.

You may have hit on something KBear, DD is very conscious of looking silly. She may have got overly upset about being told how to do something?

DS was surrounded by little girls, she may have been feeling protective of him?
I am surprised that she may not like the teacher, I thought that a girl had said something mean to her, but she denies it.

I guess we will just give up then?

I did ask if she wanted me to stay and watch, but she said no.

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Original poster
SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 17:16

Teacher is this itsy bit of a girl (think Sarah-Jane from Tikabilla) not that scary really.

I will try the casual questioning

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walkinginawinterBundleland · 07/12/2005 17:23

once you start something you might realise it's not that easy, and feel a bit silly if the others look more "together". I personally think it would be a mistake to withdraw her at this stage.

Socci · 07/12/2005 17:26

Message withdrawn

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 07/12/2005 17:28

Was DS not meant to go into the class? Do you think the teacher maybe snapped something at him and your DD didn't like it? It seems odd to me that she was fine until DS ran in and you caught up with him.

Original poster
SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 17:55

It was changeover time so kids were in and out. I don't think she would have said anything to him?

Why would it be a mistake to withdraw her Bundle?

I will try and have a quiet talk with her later.

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walkinginawinterBundleland · 07/12/2005 18:04

I'm not saying force her to go, just that we have had similar issues with dd1 and once we'd dug around (or in the case of ballet, literally holding her hand for a couple of sessions) we got to the bottom of what was really going on, rather than just abandoning it and never finding out. dd1 understands before we book something properly (ie cough up for a whole term) that she has to stick with it (she's 5.5), and we do discuss beforehand whether it's what she really wants. unless we had serious misgivings about the teacher/behaviour of other children, I'd be relucant to let her stop going. I talk to dd1 a lot about things I did when I was little, things I liked and things I didn't want to do (this is usually to do with going to school )

Original poster
SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 18:13

Hmmm, I just think that if I carried on taking her then we wouldn't progress any further than getting changed and then reaching the door to the studio.

I just can't get her to talk to me...She makes up reasons that she thinks I want to hear.

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geranium · 07/12/2005 18:44

If DS is older, would he be able to tell you what's wrong? The way I read your original post it came over like ds knew she wasn't so keen on the class and went in to give her some last minute support but maybe it wasn't like that?

zebratwizzler · 07/12/2005 19:10

I don't know if this is useful, but thought I'd tell you about my own childhood ballet experiences:

I also pestered & pestered my mother to take me. I think I was 5. I wanted so badly to go. I went in... and the other girls made fun of me; bullied me. Made fun of me. It was awful. I think I only went once or twice & then refused to ever go again. I was SO disappointed, but couldn't explain to my mother; I was ashamed of being a victim and I didn't have the ability to explain either what was happening or how I was feeling, anyway (since I was only 4 or 5).

Everything you've said suggests that it's something to do with the people there, not the activity itself.

I don't know how you can get to the root of it, but I think you should try.

Original poster
SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 19:11

No DS is 19mths I have tried to ask him, but he is saying nothing

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SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 19:13

Unfortunately most of the kids know each other, and I did notice them giving DD the cold shoulder. She is a sensitive girl and is used to people liking her.
She normally tells me if someone has been mean though.

I wonder if I should try to find DD a different ballet class?

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hana · 07/12/2005 19:14

dd1 who is 4 has been doing this lately with gymnastics and it turns out that it was the teacher - she speaks sharply to the children and when dd wasn't able to do something she had to do it again and again - there is a Christmas Display for the entire club in a few weeks and the teachers is v v stressed and it seems she has been taking it out on the little children, very out of order, but dd1 who normally loves going has been refusing for the past few weeks. I won't renew in Jan if she still is reluctant to go, what's the point?
hope you resolve your situation

maZebraltov · 07/12/2005 19:22

You said that her face fell when she saw the teacher... have you asked her outright if she thinks the teacher is mean? Does the teacher say mean things to her? Have to be really direct about emotional stuff with some kids.

FWIW, my efforts to take my own DD to ballet was a complete disaster... because she didn't know anybody & was terrified of the people & the group situation. It took me a while to understand that she just isn't a "people" person.

Socci · 07/12/2005 19:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster
SpaGlorytoBlog · 07/12/2005 20:46

Right. She likes the other girls. She doesn't like the teacher. She says that the teacher says mean things. She doesn't think she is any good at ballet.
She does want to do ballet, she might want to try a new teacher.

However, DD would consider the teacher telling her to be quiet, mean.

I don't know. I guess I either look for a new class, or keep taking her to this one in the hopes that she gets "over it"

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maZebraltov · 08/12/2005 05:04

What do you think you'll do? I'd look for another class , or at least speak to the teacher, maybe ask the other parents if they've had this problem & how did they cope.

bobbybob · 08/12/2005 05:41

What happens if you move her and the next teacher is "mean"?

What do you think of the teacher - if you think she is okay, nice and friendly then send your dd back to the lessons.

I have lost track of the amount of piano pupils I have been phoned about who have been through 4 or 5 teachers and they are only 10 years old. Every time teacher says something they don't like, they burst into tears and mum moves them.

They learn nothing piano wise - but they have learnt to be very good at crying to get what they want. I never take these pupils.

I am afraid that a 4 year old is just not the best judge of what is good for her. You are, so do what you think is right.

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