heaven knows where DS1 got his social skills but me and his brother can't hack it with the alpha crowd.

[lingle]

That's it in a nutshell really.

Grim playdate today with alpha-mummy of DS1's alpha-friend plus alpha daughter.

Alpha daughter is lovely and very kind to DS2 (nearly 6 but raw, very raw, social skills).

But against all my planning it ended up being a meet in the park. Cue usual struggle between the two usual extremes - either poor DS1 trying to make others play with DS2 or me having to play with DS2 while other mothers chatted.

I ended up having to leave with DS2 with alpha mummy left looking after DS1 for the umpteenth time.

sorry to moan, I know I am bloody lucky that the older child has the skills to shield/help the younger child and is willing to do so. But I'd resolved never to stray into alpha-crowd playdate land again without bringing a playmate for DS2 (he has a couple) and felt tricked!

Perhaps the parents of socially able kids don't understand the problems we face due to our kids social issues but that doesn't mean they don't empathise and most do make allowances, in my experience, its the kids who don't - but emapathy comes later doesn't it (I hope!).
I shamefully admit that I don't understand DS's issues and have stood by watching whilst screaming in my head 'what on earth are you doing' / 'why the hell did you say that' / 'what did you expect' and I'm on his side!!

It's hard to know whether pushing these kids to socialise more is helping them or traumatising them. In our case we do socialise him but mainly because he really wants to and desperately wants the company of other kids, whereas I would rather crawl into a dark hole than witness him being rejected all over again.

takeonboard,

I have sometimes felt that in many ways it was easier to have a child with an identifiable special need. When DS2 had language problems,there were books and experts to take me through it all step by step and I could mark progress.

A child's social problems are really the same thing as language problems or literacy problems or balance problems - the development of a certain foundational skill is immature. But it is so foundational that others can't diagnose what is happening. They can't imagine being behind at this skill.

Somehow you have to make really close observations and work out what is going wrong and how deep the problem goes, and then encourage interactions at the level they're at, not the level they should be. Which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that your emotions are in complete turmoil when the social failures take place and once it's over it's tempting to just try to forget about it until next time. And also that you need an understanding of what the core skills are and in what order they develop and how they go wrong and those don't seem to be as widely available as stuff on how kids learn to talk/walk/balance/read, etc.

lingle, the thing is that you have invested so much time and energy into getting your DS into 'NT-land' and resisting the SN label, that these occasions are going to hurt you more, IMO.

When this sort of thing happens with DD1, it does hurt, but in a way that is about the fact that NT activities are hard for her. It isn't about the fact that she has SN, because that isn't in question.

Ok, so 'alpha-mummy' projects the issue onto the other woman, not you, but the essence of what you are saying is the same. Your DS is struggling, it hurts, it isn't fair. No-one should be criticising you for feeling that, because the truth is that no matter how you slice and dice it, that sucks

Have a - you're doing a great job.

Hi Lingle not sure I can offer advice as ds2 is only 3 and we're tackling the speech delay part at the moment and have yet to arrive at the social side issues. But I hear everything you are saying as I have an older dc who is very capaple on the social scene and I do look to the future with fear and a little sadness for ds2.

I anticipate that I will look back and realise that sorting out the speech delay was the easy part!

You were of so much help to me when I first posted about ds2 6 months ago (under a different name) sorry I'm not in a position to help you as much.

Absolutely lougle (and hello!) you are totally right - it's a different kind of hurt because I have put him out there to be judged by normal standards. I never have doubts about the decision but the point still stands.

thanks for nice post catsdon'tcare, it's nice to know my posts are still helpful sometimes..

Hi Lingle,
I just wanted to share my good news and give you some hope....my DS joined a new activity this week (non sport for the 1st time, perhaps sport/competetiveness is the problem?) He made 4 new friends they became a solid little group and he has been a different person the past few days - grown in confidence and very happy

The 5 of them were playing in the park and there seemed to be a problem with another boy of about the same age, they were pushing this boy away and saying he was annoying I was starting to feel the panic rise (even though DS was on the other side of the fence) and thinking of going over to intervene when my DS went over and spoke to the boy then spoke to the group and next thing they were all playing together!

I asked DS later what he had said - "I told the boy to calm down and go with flow if he wanted to play with us then I told my friends to give him another chance, he may not be an idiot he just wants to be with us and is trying to make us notice him" I couldn't be more proud
So my boy may still find social situations difficult, but he is improving and will always come out on the side of the underdog and fairplay because he knows how it feels.

I hope this doesn't sound like a boast and I know its 2 steps forward and 1 back but it helps to hear of small successes as we push onwards and upwards !!

that's wonderful! really great!

Interesting about the sport. Ds1's friends are the top sports boys at school. Sometimes the football in particular seems to breed some negative feelings (like a fear of not being the best/of being rejected).