I'm going to go back to work. I'm a terrible mum. Can anyone explain how I organize a child minder/nursery and do I get any help towards the cost?

[michelleseashell]

Says it all in the title really!

I'm going to go back to work when my baby is nine months old. I'm clueless about help or who I should talk to about it.

I'm just a big old shitty mum. I don't know what to do with a baby.

Is nursery better or a child minder. What are the costs like?

Can anyone help me please?

I have just read this thread all the way through... I think I have found my spiritual home! My maternity leave is just ending and I am going back to work full time. I have found it very boring and repetitive. In fact, I am sure it would be lovely if I had an endless supply of money but as I don't!

I am using a nursery but it is a very small one, run by a lady who started as a childminder, so best of both worlds really, and I have a holiday contract (I'm a teacher) which really helps!

Just discovered the last few messages!

Hope things are going ok for you all!

I feel better that the end is in sight now. I'm going to start doing three days in two months time. I'm going to see two nurseries this week too.

Still pretty confused about pay and child care costs and tax and everything though. I'm a mathematical idiot

Not read everything as I'm heading to bed, but I was desperate to return to work when DD was 9mo and couldn't imagine being at home with her every day.

I guess I did feel I was a bit of a rubbish mum for not wanting to stay at home, but I had to do what kept me sane. I returned 3 days a week and used a CM, upped my hours to 4 days a week and am now full-time. I've realised though, that I wasn't a rubbish mum at the start, I just didn't enjoy the baby stage. Now DD is a fun little girl, I want to spend time with her. She understands so much and is keen to learn, she loves drawing and colouring and playing with my hair!! What I'm trying to say, is that you might just feel rubbish because you're not that into babies too, but you'll find your feet and it might be, like me, that when your DC is a bit older and more interactive that you feel less rubbish.

I've certainly changed loads realising where my strengths lie and sitting at home with a baby isn't one of them. Playing with DD, teaching her things and generally being with her, is, now she's nearly 2yo!

I'm really glad it worked out for you purple! That gives me hope.

You're so right about it being better for your sanity. I don't have a massively taxing job and I get to interact with a lot of people. It would make it so much easier to have that break and be a more fun mum on my days off.

OK, to work your pay out very roughly, divide your previous pay by 5 (assuming you worked 5 days?) and times that by 3.

Childminders and nurseries normally charge by the hour so you will need to look at what time you will drop off and collect DC and work it out from there.

Make sure they will accept childcare vouchers and check whether they only accept certain schemes. In fact may as well check with your employer who they use so you can check when you initially speak to childcare providers.

You can buy £243 per month, per person - so a total of £486pm between the two of you. You don't have to pay tax on this so it is a big saving which I am too lazy to work out for you right now! You can buy less vouchers if you discover you don't need the full amount.

You then pay your childcare provider with the vouchers, and round up with cash if the vouchers aren't enough.

HTH :)

Michelle I don't know about nurseries in England with regards to costs, but one thing to bear in mind re: cm vs nursery is how easy will it be for you to take sick/carer's leave? Because on the one hand, a CM is just one person, so if s/he gets sick you have to find back-up care. On the other, nursery has more kids in it, so more germs, so your kid is more likely to get sick.

FWIW, I sent mine to nursery at nine months, just one day originally and then increased to two (we shared care between me, DH and my Mum which is why this worked), and she got every single thing going round for the first year. And then she stopped getting sick, and has a really good, strong immune system now. So it's not a permanent thing, just be prepared for that adjustment period where they're still getting used to sharing germs.

DD is almost three now, and she and I still adore each other to pieces. With this next child, I'm taking nine months maternity instead of the five I took last time, and I'm really working hard to make sure I'm not as lonely and bored as I was last time. As it is, I really enjoy my days at home with her because I can recharge between them.

Oh I couldn't wait to return to work when DD was 10 months. She was (is) adorable but she didn't do much at that age and I was terribly bored. I went back to work FT and I was so happy, especially so because my DD thrived with her CM and loved it. When she turned 2 and began talking I really enjoyed her again and now she's 3 it's terrific and I am reducing my work hours from next month to spend more time with her before she starts school next year. Not everyone enjoys the baby years. The toddler years are hard (she never stops talking) but so much more enjoyable and I'm told it'll get even better once she starts school.

Interestingly I never ever thought of myself as a bad mum for not enjoying her when she was a baby and for returning to work. But I think that's because my own mother went back to FT work when I was 8 months and admitted she found the early years hard. It never seemed to affect my relationship with her and I loved (love) her so much and we have always been close.

You're not a terrible mum. Those first few months are extremely hard. I am a SAHM and can honestly say that I didn't enjoy the first nine months but I love it now that DD is 17 months. I'm just not a baby person.

I used to work with my best mate so missed the adult conversation a lot!

I'm confused about vouchers? I spoke to the tax credits people and they said to tell them how much child care costs were and they'd reimburse some of them. Is that not right?

I just can't take being a mum 24/7. I feel apathetic all day with tiredness and then get cross or teary at the drop of a hat. I really thought I'd be able to handle it but I can't. It's ruining my relationship with my husband too. I can't even be bothered to talk to him when he gets home from work some days.

Really good to hear that I'm not the only one struggling!

You need to ask your employer who their voucher company is (Edenred, Kiddvouchers etc) and get an employer code. Then you go onto the voucher website and register to receive vouchers as a salary sacrifice (up to £243 before tax is deducted). You also need a code or reference number from your childcare provider (nursery/ childminder). This links your vouchers to your provider and so fees are automatically paid (I think). You then just have to pay any difference direct to your childcare. I don't think this has any link to child tax credits at all- I don't get tax credits but can claim vouchers.

Hope that helps!

As I understand it you can't both claim the childcare element of tax credits and childcare vouchers. Tax credits only apply if your total household income is under about £40k. You can get childcare vouchers whatever your salary (though if you're a higher rate taxpayer you only get basic rate tax relief).

Don't forget to see if your husband's work offers the vouchers too. I've just gone back to work after mat leave (it's bliss, i recommend it!) and our nursery costs are actually coming in below the total childcare vouchers we can claim between us, so all our childcare is tax free.

Right! We're getting somewhere now!

I've arranged going back to work. Now we're touring nurseries. We went to one today that was a bit grubby but the staff seemed quite friendly and relaxed. Tomorrow is a nursery that looks a bit posh.

I think I understand the salary sacrifice and vouchers thing now. I just wish I could pay a bit extra to have some smarty pants at the tax office sort it all out for me!

Thanks everyone. You've all been so much nicer than I ever expected!

Another one in the same boat - sorting out work at the moment and looking forward to going back! Have found a lovely nursery where I'm sure dd will be very happy and significantly more stimulated than she is at home! Childcare vouchers signed up for and I am starting dd 2 days a week at nursery for a month before I go back to work so she gets a longer settling in period and I get some time to have my hair done/shop/get my head straight before going back to work.

michellesashell how do you actually feel about leaving your baby? That's the only bit about this whole thing which is still sending me into a horrific panic.....

Sorry, missed an e off your name.

No worries whoahthere! Call me whatever you like :)

I don't know how I'm going to feel when it actually comes to it. I feel terrible saying this but it's the truth- the pressure of being a 24/7 mum (baby doesn't sleep well at night, on my own a lot, no family to help me) is really getting to me. It's got to the point where the sound of my baby crying makes me feel a bit sick. I love him but I just so desperately need a break. I'm not looking forward to dropping him off but I am really looking forward to picking him up and feeling refreshed and happy to see him. My husband comes home from work and scoops him up and they have a lovely time playing together. By that point in the day for me I want to curl up in bed and hide from everyone.

I don't want to resent spending time with my baby anymore. I want to enjoy it. I just need to find a good nursery though. The one I saw yesterday I'm a bit iffy about now.

What's the nursery you found like? What made you realise that was the one?

I went back six weeks ago when DS was six months. It's brilliant :)

I'm very lucky that I have a v v flexible job - results based, if I get the work done it doesn't matter when. So I work 6.30-2.30 andnpick DS up at 3pm. We have three hours of playing, tea bath and bed. It is wonderful! On mat leave I was bored. I hated the domestic chores etc and felt I wasn't doing my best by DS. Now he is at the BEST CM in the whole world, he loves her, and she does loads of "painting" etc with him that I don't enjoy. When we get home the house is clean because no-one's been in it all day. And because we only have the afternoon, I don't watch telly or do the laundry or anything at all but play with DS. He is flourishing and I have my self back and we are all happy :)

Good luck Michelle!

Oh ps I have childcare vouchers through work and it's great, saves us £150 a month. I just popped to HR and they did it, I think it's fairly standard now

Thanks bigkids! Love your user name!

That sounds really great. I'm feeling so much happier and more positive than when I started this thread. Hadn't even thought about the house not getting messy because no one is in it. I'll save on electricity and gas too come to think of it. Brilliant!

The only problem is if you're at work you might not have time to do 25 different categories of laundry. Will you be ok with that??

can't really add much extra. everyones explained about childcare. I use both for my two - DS1 prefers nursery as he's bored at the CMs, DS2 doesnt care as long as he gets attention.
Just to say I know where you're coming from. I dont think I'm a crap mum - but I'm not a great one - I lose my rag easily and can't be bothered with 'activities' (although me and DS1 did do baking yesterday - packet mixes, obviously lol!) Love my babies (no, they arent actually babies any more) but love the 'freedom' of going to work 3.5 days.
I do appreciate my kids more with just 1 full day in the working week (although often tearing my hair out by 6pm) Its not boring, its just REALLY HARD WORK!
DS2 is like a wrecking ball - careering round the house climbing furniture, putting spoons in the microwave and turning it on, playing with the gas knobs, letting himself out the front door if I forget to lock it (he's 1)
DS1 is like a mopey teenager (he's 4) wanting to watch Star Wars all day long, whingeing about his brother, refusing to play in the garden. Thank goodness for work lol!!

I don't know how childminders and nursery workers do it, lynniep. I saw one woman yesterday with a baby on her hip and two babies on the floor calling for her AND a few kids outside playing to keep an eye on. That would be hell on earth for me.

Oh I'll have one of my days off as laundry day bigkid! It'll be a blast. My friend got her lovely brightened up laundry back and didn't even notice the difference you know. I despair, I really do! :o

The nursery I've found is relatively small, the staff seem to really love being there (I'm with you, how do they do it?!) and I also really like the organisation and structure of the whole place - not restrictive, just like they all know what they're doing. Also, have come across a couple of mums who sang its praises. One mum was telling me the story of when her dd moved up to the next agegroup room, and was a bit unsettled and upset. When the mum came to pick her up, she was having a big hug from her 'old' key worker (from the baby room) who'd stayed on after her shift finished to make sure the baby was ok. That's what swung it for me I think.

I'd originally thought I wanted a childminder, but although I saw some lovely ones I just couldn't envisage leaving dd with them iyswim. Seeing this nursery has made me realise that if it's a good nursery with staff that give a shit, that the level of care really can be very high.

Now must just remember to stay positive when it actually comes to leaving dd!

I must say I love how this thread has developed - so lovely and supportive!

We found the nursery! Knew it was the one as soon as we walked through the door. We actually left him to sit with the other babies while we looked around and he was delighted. The nursery workers were all lovely and the kids all looked really happy. It's in an old victorian house and it's nicer than our house!

The only problem is they need a deposit which we are going to struggle with and even worse, they take payment in advance but obviously I get paid in arrears. So I have no idea how we're going to sort that out :(

I really don't know what to do.

Hi, have you got a dp/dh that is also contributing? If so he needs to make sure he's registered and contributing for childcare vouchers (if it's an option) to cover the gap between the advance payment and your arrears salary.

We're going to borrow some money to cover the advance payment. I feel terrible for having to rely on that though :(

It's really tough because we're getting tax credits a year in arrears based on us both on a full time wage last year so we really don't have spare money like that, but next year when I'm back at work we're going to have an abundance of money!

Headache!

But I love the nursery. It's actually wonderful. So really happy about that

Hurray! I was going to say vouchers, your DH can claim them now even before the baby starts.