How do you deal with grandparents like this?

[graceandbeauty]

Whenever we see my parents they constantly interfere in disciplining my dcs and it's driving me crazy. It's not major issues just things like if I tell one of them to go and put on pyjamas and they don't go right away, I'm about to repeat the request but before I can say anything, my mum or dad is right in there telling them mummy will be cross and there won't be a story etc. Today we went out to eat and they just would not leave the dcs alone - every 2 minutes it was "don't spill your drink", "stop talking and eat", "mind you don't drop that ice-cream". The dcs did not once get down from the table and ate everything they were give but you would have thought they were being wild the way my parents were going on! They kept telling them to be more quiet even though there was no-one in the restaurant when we arrived.

I know you'll all say I should talk to them about it. However, we just don't do that. I know that sounds very weird, but it's true, nothing is confronted openly. It's like when I'm with them I am a different person from the rest of the time. They don't confront any issues, they repress everything. If I asked them not to interfere, there would either be a sarcastic "soRRY" or a complete denial of anything, followed by a bad atmosphere.

Is there any way to deal with this without a major showdown?

We live in a different country so it's either us staying with them or them staying with us. I have never decided whether short intense bursts or regular less intense irritation is better!

OP, it's interesting that you say that nothing in your family is 'confronted openly' and yet it sounds like your parents do and say as they like. They are being 'open' with their constant comments/sulks etc yet for some reason you feel you cannot do the same.

That is not meant to be un-supportive, so please don't misunderstand. My father was exactly the same - you simply did not confront him about anything and if you ever chanced it you came away feeling horrible and f*cked up - he was awful.

As the years went by my sister and I did used to challenge him, especially once we had children, and we had to just not care how he reacted. If he was an arse in response, which he invariably was, I did not look at him or acknowledge him in any way, I usually left the room.

It was much easier for me though cos it was just my dad (the root of his problems was alcohol) so at least I didn't have my mum doing it too!

Muriel Are you me ?
My DF was exactly the same and "controlled" the whole family with his behaviour .

Sorry OP I hope you dont mind my hijack just all the things you describe ring huge alarm bells for me. I eventually realised just how disfunctional my family was -it took having DC of my own to realise that there was No way I was going to allow them to subject my DC to what I had been through.

Excellent advice from Muriel about leaving the room- I usually find something I left in the car or pop to the loo.
If they have no audience for their disapproval /huffiness/controlling behaviour you have stopped it effectively without a huge row .

Hello MrsBaggins

We agree again.....If they have no audience for their disapproval /huffiness/controlling behaviour you have stopped it effectively without a huge row

Totally true but I think also then you have not engaged in or continued to enable the behaviour - which with a truly controlling person is the best 'weapon' you have.

I'm also not trying to hijack OP, I hope all these thoughts might be helpful for you.

Hello Muriel
Totally agree .In maintaining a neutral position you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing(or enabling even if passively) and there lies the effectiveness in dealing with controllers .It is effectively like pouring water on a fire .

I have had a lot of practice.

The first time I removed myself from the room when my DF was about to go skyward because I wasnt quick enough to agree with him was a lightbulb moment for me.

Oh my god, this is my family!!! I sometimes feel like I am the parent, and DM is a stroppy teenager... I get so frustrated because she will never have a reasonable discussion about anything - it is either passive aggressive or full on strop.

I also get the guilt thing - I hate trying to pull her up on stuff. She is quite fragile and suffers from anxiety and depression as well which makes me feel even more guilty when I upset her.

SO glad I'm not the only one!! I feel for you OP I really do xx

graceandbeauty what was your childhood like? Of course you don't have to answer, but I wander if there are deep seated issues here? Were they controlling?

I feel for you, my adoptive parents were like this but also emotionally abusive and bullying. I had counselling in the end and am no longer in contact sadly. I also try to be different with my own.

yes mrsbaggins I realised how dysfnctional my family is when I had kids. It took a lot of soul searching, reading and talk therapy to realise I couldn't change them and I needed to put up boundaries to protect myself and my kids.

My adoptive father actually cut me out of his life when he realised I wouldn't play by his rules anymore

Abuse is not always physical. The mind games and emotional dysfunction can be just as damaging

addressbook ditto I realised that I had to protect my own DC when DS2 said "Mummy Grandad scares me " no way , no fucking way was he going to treat my DC the way I was treated.
I sometimes look at my DC -they are so happy and carefree and sometimes my heartaches when I think of how sad and miserable I was,scared to barely say a word but I cant change what they did I can only make sure my own DC are happy and loved and they are and free to be themselves[heart emoticon ]

Perhaps a [heart emoticon] is a bit netmums

Grace, part of the reason they chip in on discipline is I think that you are their DD and they want to see you respected/have a good time with your kids. Mine also do this but my oft used phrase is ' it only needs one of us to tell them'. I realise you do have other stuff going on, but one phrase trotted out parrot fashion for their most annoying behavior might help?

Sorry Grace -if they respected the OP they would allow her to discipline her DC without jumping in. She is their Mother, they are undermining her authority.

Sorry Fing

Mrs B, I don't disagree, but I bet they think they are 'helping'. It might help to point out that it really doesn't. Then they are left in no doubt.

Ah Gotcha ! Sorry yes I see what you mean !

If they say something that contradicts messages you have given say 'No, actually mum, I let them do it this way'

If it is something you agree with but have already said 'Mum, they have already heard that I am not pleased about that'

If it something you agree with but have not already said 'Quite right mum - now lets see how well they can behave without any prompting'.

It really helps to know there are others with the same issues.

Addressbook sorry to hear about your experience. Did you always know things were bad? I just ask because it was having my own dcs which made me analyse my relationship with my parents. I have good childhood memories mostly, but remember a lot of frustration from teenage years onwards. I was not allowed to disagree with them, they have always taken that as a personal attack. My mum would never discuss anything, she still just opts out of conversations if she doesn't agree. There was also no acknowledgement of negative feelings -sadness, anger etc. When a good friend's sister was killed in a car crash when I was about 16, we had a meal arranged with an old aunt the same evening, and there was no question of me not going, even though I was a mess. I just had to sit there and pretend everything was fine.

They are quite controlling. I notice it with the dcs - they don't get to chill out and are constantly directed and told what they would like to do. It makes the dcs very dependent on adults for entertainment, even within a few days. My mum also interrogates people about everything. She has told people personal private things about me in the past and now I don't share much at all with her. I give her short answers and she does seem to have got the message, however I've heard her saying to someone that it's like getting blood out of a stone to get information from me. I always end up feeling like things are my fault!

They can however be really kind and sometimes I just think we are very different people and that's why it doesn't work. They are both insecure emotionally I know and that's why direct and open communication is so hard for them. So frustrating though - I wish they would just say what they want! Even things like me asking if the kids can stay with them for a bit while I pop to the shop - they say yes that's fine then I hear them muttering about it later to each other, in a "well of course she left all the kids with us again" kind of way. Ugh!

I am not as far along as some of you - I can see myself saying "well our rule is..." or "usually I say they have to...." - thanks for all the suggestions.