How do you deal with grandparents like this?

[graceandbeauty]

Whenever we see my parents they constantly interfere in disciplining my dcs and it's driving me crazy. It's not major issues just things like if I tell one of them to go and put on pyjamas and they don't go right away, I'm about to repeat the request but before I can say anything, my mum or dad is right in there telling them mummy will be cross and there won't be a story etc. Today we went out to eat and they just would not leave the dcs alone - every 2 minutes it was "don't spill your drink", "stop talking and eat", "mind you don't drop that ice-cream". The dcs did not once get down from the table and ate everything they were give but you would have thought they were being wild the way my parents were going on! They kept telling them to be more quiet even though there was no-one in the restaurant when we arrived.

I know you'll all say I should talk to them about it. However, we just don't do that. I know that sounds very weird, but it's true, nothing is confronted openly. It's like when I'm with them I am a different person from the rest of the time. They don't confront any issues, they repress everything. If I asked them not to interfere, there would either be a sarcastic "soRRY" or a complete denial of anything, followed by a bad atmosphere.

Is there any way to deal with this without a major showdown?

oh and DP's parents are really 'normal' and i have SUCH a hard time understanding that They Mean What They Say!
he cannot understand all the little rules about saying one thing and meaning another,or not mentioning things at all,and just waltzes in declaring things they would never say out loud.even though they're perfectly reasonable things to discuss,it all so WEIRD.

Oh,i tend to say "im dealing with it,thanks" or,"dont worry,you dont need to do the discipline,just have fun with them!"

they DO tend to get a bit huffy,but try to ignore the huff,and get on with it,it's hard to break the pattern,but you have to stand up for your kids.

i learnt this after DD asked "my being norty mummy??yes,or no??"

I agree with sparklyboots - let them sulk. That sort of passive-aggressive behaviour is very juvenile and really hard to deal with. Let them huff, say I. You could even go nuclear and say to DCs in front of them "grandpa's having a sulk, like you do sometimes, but he'll feel better soon."

You could also contradict them - if they say to your DCs "be quiet" then you tell your DCs they're doing fine and they don't have to listen to grandma. Bring out your own passive-aggressive weaponry!

I really feel for you because that sort of emotional blackmail they pull is terribly difficult and you've been dealing with it your whole life - don't let them start on your DCs, because they will!

Unfortunately it is a lot harder when you are emotionally involved. I could easily let them sulk, but they are not my parents.
You have to decide whether to challenge or not. If you can't bring yourself to challenge, then you just have to find a way to let it wash over you-and your DCs.

friggFRIGG that sounds very familiar! DH is still learning all our silly rules....

I totally agree that in a normal relationship where everyone is emotionally secure in themselves, they should be told to (politely) butt out. But seriously, ANYTHING I say is taken so personally. All the things you suggest are great ideas, but if I said any of them, my parents would do the cat's bum face, there would be a long silence or one of them would walk away muttering, then within a few minutes normal service would be resumed. Sometimes I accidentally hear my mum on the phone to my Gran, telling her thinly veiled criticisms about me and my parenting choices. I just walk away, I don't need to listen to that. So I am trying to let it wash over me, and not spend so much tiume with them.

Not sure if this is relevant but this morning dd1 who is 10 almost 11 was in a right mood, she was tearful and angry and said she didn't know why. She was actually kind of "roaring" with anger and frustration at one point. Mum and Dad didn't know where to put themselves! DD just said everything was annoying her, I asked her if it was something specific making her feel like this but she just said that even me talking to her was annoying her. So I left her in her room for a while then went back later to talk to her, by which time she was feeling better. Now she could just be a bit hormonal, but I do wonder if it's all the "playing along" with the grandparents we've been doing the last few days (we've been staying with them). We don't normal see this with her - she can be stroppy at times but never to the extent I saw today.

Just back from the park now and my Mum summed up the situation well, I thought. She asked the dcs "So did you have a nice day or did you have a nice day?"

OK so now my ds has a huge packet of sweets which my mum bought for him. He has just had a large pizza which she also gave him and was waiting for the sweets as she told him he couldn't have them until after dinner. I think that the size of pizza and sweets packet were totally over the top but I let it go over my head. NOW, she is telling DS that he can only eat a couple of sweets as she's worried he will be sick. I just think, well you gave him the bloody sweets, let him eat them and he can decide when he's full. If he eats them all, then great, they are gone. Obviously I don't want him to be sick, but he needs to learn to control these things himself! He is 8, almost 9. Should I overrule her and tell him he can eat as much as he wants?

The question is, what would you do in your house? If he wouldn't have that quantity of sweets at home, then he's had no opportunity to learn how to control himself around them. How much longer are you staying with them? Your post about your daughter sounds exactly as though she's been on best grandparent-pleasing behaviour and needed to let off steam/ be by herself for a while. When we come back from my PILs the DCs are a nightmare because they've been so overindulged and overstimulated they take a couple of days to settle down.

Ha ha...well now DD1 is saying she feels sick! My mum wanted to get them a large pizza each and I had said a small would be fine, but they didn't listen. What a nightmare.

DS is actually very good at regulating how much he eats, which is why I trust him to stop before he throws up. I wouldn't buy him such a ridiculous amount, but if he gets a party bag I would rather he just eats the sweets then they are gone and he can stop obsessing about them.

It's just all so controlling here. We leave on Monday, then it looks like I will have a couple of days of retraining to do.

OP, I can understand why you don't want a face-to-face confrontation. You could so easily be flustered by their reaction and then end up saying too much/too little/not what you intended. Bet regardless, if you don't put a stop to this, it may affect your children - in particular your people-pleasing daughter.

Could you do it by letter instead? That way you can consider your words carefully, and edit, edit, edit until you have it honed to perfection. You can run it past your husband, or anyone else whose opinion you think would be helpful to you.

And the letter doesn't have to be confrontational. It can be explanatory and inviting. You could say what you've said here - that you minimise your children's exposure to them because of their behaviour towards them, and if that behaviour could change then you'd not worry about them seeing them more. Explain what behaviour you're talking about and the reaction it engenders, and how you'd rather they behave. Explain that you'd like your children to love them, but you are afraid they will instead grow to dislike and avoid them when they are older and independent. And any other emotional levers you think will work.

Interested in "but if I said any of them, my parents would do the cat's bum face, there would be a long silence or one of them would walk away muttering, then within a few minutes normal service would be resumed." I know it would feel bad at first but really the world won't end in the face of muttering etc. If you are feeling particularly brave you could hand out dummies to sulking gps and if you only ever get normal service resumed then you haven't actually said anything relationship shattering.... Can you rope DP into helping you out by rehearsing? I did a lot of rehearsing such bombshells as, 'no thanks; I'm full' with my therapist. You can prepare yourself for the awful shame, guilt and fear (of drawing a reasonable boundary!!!) and then do it anyway. And survive.

I completely see what you are saying but really it's so hard to explain to anyone who has an open relationship with their parents. We are doing everything we can to ensure that things are different with our own dcs - of course for DH this all came instinctively however I have gone through a lot of self-analysis and reading to help myself find a different way.

We have never had any kind of open emotional conversation, everything is always brushed under the carpet. Any views or opinions always have to be expressed hypothetically, or massive personal offence is taken. I do worry that at some point it will HAVE to happen. Sometimes the dcs get upset when we leave the gps, I just let them cry and say it's fine to cry if you are sad and sometimes it even makes you feel better. But my parents have to stop them crying anyway they can, they cannot be sad. I hate that, I still have problems handling negative emotions even now.

From writing here I have realised that I am actually getting better at not playing along with the passive-aggression. I take what they say at face value, even though I know that it is not what they really mean. Even in small ways it's important to me. e.g. My Dad will say things like "are the children ready to go home?" meaning HE wants to go home. I reply "I don't know, let's go and ask them." I can't cope with any more indirect communication, that includes ridiculous empty threats. In restaurants they will tell the dcs that the "man" is coming to put them outside - WTF??

Last post was replying to WhereYouLeftIt.

Sparklyboots you are of course right, the world would not end. Maybe I will find the courage to do as you say. I guess I was kind of hoping people would suggest some inbetween way when I posted, but looks like that doesn't exist.

I don't want to upset them as it's not their fault, they are the way they are because of their own upbringings. I also realise that it's my issue to feel guilty if I offend them, even when I know I have not been unreasonable. That's something I need to figure out for myself. I suppose I feel a little sad that our relationship is not that great, but I just need to accept that.

They are YOUR children, so I would calmly but firmly express that you will take responsibility for their discipline as you are more than capable. :)

I think you probably have to grit your teeth and politely pick them up on their behaviour. And they will probably do "Oh, sor-RY!" and go off in a huff. And then in an hour or two they will try interfering again, and you need to pick them up on it again. And they will probably go off in a huff again. But keep it up and eventually they will realise that their childish behaviour is only hurting themselves and that they are spending all their time off in a huff rather than seeing their GCs.

"it's not their fault, they are the way they are because of their own upbringings"

You had that upbringing too. You have recognised that it's not the right way to behave and are behaving differently. They had the choice to do that too. The fact that they choose to believe that their way is the only way, is their fault.

Personally I'd rehearse a set phrase and repeat it every time. Probably along the lines of "no, Grandma is wrong, you are doing fine as you are" but I'm sure you could think of something less aggressive . And ignore the resultant huff. If it doesn't get results they'll stop, just like your Gran did. Maybe learn some corny jokes and trot them out (to your children, do they still love jokes at 10?).

Oh god they sound just like my parents -they want you to be responsible for their feelings.
You cannot nor should try to change their behaviour they sound very P/A . You can only change the way you react to them.
Try to disengage and become neutral .This really worked for me .
eg "stop it Dc " -you reply cheerfully" Oh please dont worry about the Dc I will deal with them -then praise Dc " Oh well done for sitting Dc"
turn to parents who are now bound to be doing catsbum face ignore and say again cheerily " tell me about your neighbour - you know the one who .........
They are manipulating you with their huffing /disapproval -you are an adult -dont let them.

MadamDeathstare not that I can think of off the top of my head. One thing which happens a lot is I will tell one of the dcs to do something or to stop doing something, then my Dad will immediately tell them again, maybe in a slightly different way. That's so annoying, for me and for the dcs. I don't think he even realises he's doing it. I would be happy for them to take the dcs off and do things with them, but they won't - I always have to be there too.

I do think a jokey approach could work - wish I was more creative.

Grrr How annoying they dont give your DC a chance to do whatever it is you are asking.
I would say "Its ok DF I can deal with this" and the turn to your DC and engage them in whatever you were doing/requesting. ignore the reaction from your parents .

Sounds like that is really working for you MrsBaggins, and you're exactly right about the feelings. I think next time we are out somewhere I will be hyper alert to stop them nagging the dcs - for example, ds picked up a piece of meat with his fork but did not eat it right away and my dad was immediately on his back telling him "don't play with your food". Maybe I should get in first with "that looks yummy" - not sure if that would work but worth a try. Thanks everyone - getting lots of ideas and so good to vent too!

Another thing that worked if DC were mucking about - I would take them out of the room and speak to them in private -return and behave as if nothing has happened .

Yes I have done that too, it takes the pressure of me feeling judged by my parents too.

this sounds like my whole family in law!! wee rules and regulations ive never learnt .. i just shut my mouth and hope for the best but even then the least little thing is a slight to the whole family i really feel for you but have no advice sorry, hope you find a way thru it :)

It must indeed seem so bizarre if you haven't grown up with the rules....like I said my DH's approach is to go silent and passive. I keep asking him if he's ok as he's NEVER like that.

OP - how far do you live away from your parents? Can you see them without overnight stays?