Just not enjoying being a parent at all - anyone else?

[StickyFloor]

Twins are nearly 8 and that feeling I had when they were newborns who never slept and settled and my life was manic and exhausting, well that feeling has not gone away.

Every aspect of my life has been taken over by the children to the point that even when I get time to myself I don't really bother doing anything because it is only a matter of time before I have to do something for them, with them, to do with them.

I have been sat here for an hour or so wondering what the hell is the point of it all. Not in a suicidal sort of way, just in a totally can't be bothered with anything sort of way. My life before kids was by no means perfect, but at least I had some independence and freedom and control over my life. Now that has disappeared.

We are off on holiday soon and people keep asking me if I am looking forward to having a break - wtf? if I left the twins at home then that would be a break, but I am not, so it will be the same old stuff just in a different location. I am not going to be having romantic evening meals, strolls along the beach, cocktails and then a long lie-in and lazy days by the sea am I? It will be bickering, sandcastles, packing and unpacking bags, organising toys, clothes, food and playing. Am i weird because I don't think that is going to be fun?

But I don't know of anyone else who feels like this, just me it seems. I just don't see how this is going to get better. I thought life would be easier as they get older but actually it is getting worse as they stay up later and so we have even less of an evening to ourselves too. Each day I look forward to 9pm and then I can tidy up in peace and sit on the sofa for an hour or so, then go to bed. Woohoo.

Has anyone else been through this and come out the other side perky and enjoying parenting after all? Please tell me I can turn this around.

I realized how old the thread is after I posted.

That's a bleak update OP. I hope things do get better for you.

@abcdangel
@TheMonster
@methodsandmaterials

Are you still here too? Did things get better for you?

I’m abcdangel but name changed I have no idea why 🤔

I’m so sorry that 10 years on your outlook on your life is not brighter. Also that your marriage isn’t happy. It sounds like you deserve a medal for your efforts. Unfortunately there are no medals for being stoic and maybe now your children are young adults they could be introduced to the world of adult mental health services who will be experienced in helping people in their situation to gain some independence and help with the next stage. Obviously the waiting lists for such services will be long but joining the list would be a start. You may benefit from speaking to a counsellor too.

My life is mostly a happy lot. Eldest has just finished uni. It wasn’t without its dramas. In fact the last few years at high school were pretty stressful too. Friendship issues, lack of organisation, latterly skipping classes and at the end refusal to participate in any of the usual fanfare. Uni wasn’t much different but the degree has led to a job offer and whilst I will always worry I don’t feel responsible anymore.

Youngest is also at uni and is very happy. She is an organised and resilient young lady who plays the game like a pro and never gets involved in any drama. Maybe she observed what was going on around her when she was growing up and decided she wanted none of that!

DH and I aren’t perfect but are looking forward to the next stage with optimism and excitement. Many (but not all) of our arguments over the years were related to our eldest and life now feels calmer.

My advice to anyone reading this now would be similar to yours - don’t assume things will get better and act now. I would also add to that that we all deserve a caring and loving partner who will share the load, whatever that load may involve. Good luck, I hope that one day you will look back at it all from a better place. Also that you experience joy, happiness and love along the way 💕

My advice to anyone reading this now would be similar to yours - don’t assume things will get better and act now.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but how do you mean, act now? What would you have done differently?

In my case I don’t know what I could have done differently as I’ve always felt utterly trapped.

I did consciously plan to carry on in an unhappy situation and stick it out until the kids were 18 and then get my life back.

Now I think that was ridiculous, it was too long to just wish my life away, and I’m still trapped now anyway. So I definitely don’t advise that course of action.

It’s never too late to change your life around.

Everyone deserves some happiness in their life, and no one deserves to be made to feel miserable by someone else’s actions. Your children can’t help the fact that they have demands, but your husband can help being a selfish pig.

People do stay in marriages ‘for the children’, but surely you’ve done your bit now? What are you getting out of staying in a loveless marriage? Whether or not you ever envisage meeting someone else I can’t help but think that you need to free yourself from a man who shows you no love or support.

Aw hun having read this whole thread and to see nothing much has changed is sad. I'm telling you now and it might sound crazy but... you are in control of your life. Don't think you need to win the lottery to create happiness. If you don't want to make big decisions maybe start with smaller ones. Once a month treat yourself to a one night hotel stay for yourself, book in advance so its cheaper. But start with something that says ' I value myself and my happiness'. Motherhood is very tough but having a unsupportive partner is even worse, what's his value in the household?

I don't know where you live as I am in the West Midlands but I would love to just give you a hug honestly.

This self-sacrificing your doing with kill you, I mean it. Although, everything you are doing for your child what use is it, if you become seriously ill due to stress or sink into a deeper depression. Everyone has a threshold and it's clear you've still found limited joy. One thing with men, is you don't ASK, you TELL! Tell him he's having the kids and just go thats it. Sounds tough but millions of men around the world do it all the time lol!

You need a break mama, love yourself to give yourself one.