Just not enjoying being a parent at all - anyone else?

[StickyFloor]

Twins are nearly 8 and that feeling I had when they were newborns who never slept and settled and my life was manic and exhausting, well that feeling has not gone away.

Every aspect of my life has been taken over by the children to the point that even when I get time to myself I don't really bother doing anything because it is only a matter of time before I have to do something for them, with them, to do with them.

I have been sat here for an hour or so wondering what the hell is the point of it all. Not in a suicidal sort of way, just in a totally can't be bothered with anything sort of way. My life before kids was by no means perfect, but at least I had some independence and freedom and control over my life. Now that has disappeared.

We are off on holiday soon and people keep asking me if I am looking forward to having a break - wtf? if I left the twins at home then that would be a break, but I am not, so it will be the same old stuff just in a different location. I am not going to be having romantic evening meals, strolls along the beach, cocktails and then a long lie-in and lazy days by the sea am I? It will be bickering, sandcastles, packing and unpacking bags, organising toys, clothes, food and playing. Am i weird because I don't think that is going to be fun?

But I don't know of anyone else who feels like this, just me it seems. I just don't see how this is going to get better. I thought life would be easier as they get older but actually it is getting worse as they stay up later and so we have even less of an evening to ourselves too. Each day I look forward to 9pm and then I can tidy up in peace and sit on the sofa for an hour or so, then go to bed. Woohoo.

Has anyone else been through this and come out the other side perky and enjoying parenting after all? Please tell me I can turn this around.

[ririloves]

Aw hun having read this whole thread and to see nothing much has changed is sad. I'm telling you now and it might sound crazy but... you are in control of your life. Don't think you need to win the lottery to create happiness. If you don't want to make big decisions maybe start with smaller ones. Once a month treat yourself to a one night hotel stay for yourself, book in advance so its cheaper. But start with something that says ' I value myself and my happiness'. Motherhood is very tough but having a unsupportive partner is even worse, what's his value in the household?

I don't know where you live as I am in the West Midlands but I would love to just give you a hug honestly.

This self-sacrificing your doing with kill you, I mean it. Although, everything you are doing for your child what use is it, if you become seriously ill due to stress or sink into a deeper depression. Everyone has a threshold and it's clear you've still found limited joy. One thing with men, is you don't ASK, you TELL! Tell him he's having the kids and just go thats it. Sounds tough but millions of men around the world do it all the time lol!

You need a break mama, love yourself to give yourself one.

[Mabel24]

It’s never too late to change your life around.

Everyone deserves some happiness in their life, and no one deserves to be made to feel miserable by someone else’s actions. Your children can’t help the fact that they have demands, but your husband can help being a selfish pig.

People do stay in marriages ‘for the children’, but surely you’ve done your bit now? What are you getting out of staying in a loveless marriage? Whether or not you ever envisage meeting someone else I can’t help but think that you need to free yourself from a man who shows you no love or support.

[StickyFloor]

In my case I don’t know what I could have done differently as I’ve always felt utterly trapped.

I did consciously plan to carry on in an unhappy situation and stick it out until the kids were 18 and then get my life back.

Now I think that was ridiculous, it was too long to just wish my life away, and I’m still trapped now anyway. So I definitely don’t advise that course of action.

[cherrytree975]

My advice to anyone reading this now would be similar to yours - don’t assume things will get better and act now.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but how do you mean, act now? What would you have done differently?

[Mabel24]

I’m abcdangel but name changed I have no idea why 🤔

I’m so sorry that 10 years on your outlook on your life is not brighter. Also that your marriage isn’t happy. It sounds like you deserve a medal for your efforts. Unfortunately there are no medals for being stoic and maybe now your children are young adults they could be introduced to the world of adult mental health services who will be experienced in helping people in their situation to gain some independence and help with the next stage. Obviously the waiting lists for such services will be long but joining the list would be a start. You may benefit from speaking to a counsellor too.

My life is mostly a happy lot. Eldest has just finished uni. It wasn’t without its dramas. In fact the last few years at high school were pretty stressful too. Friendship issues, lack of organisation, latterly skipping classes and at the end refusal to participate in any of the usual fanfare. Uni wasn’t much different but the degree has led to a job offer and whilst I will always worry I don’t feel responsible anymore.

Youngest is also at uni and is very happy. She is an organised and resilient young lady who plays the game like a pro and never gets involved in any drama. Maybe she observed what was going on around her when she was growing up and decided she wanted none of that!

DH and I aren’t perfect but are looking forward to the next stage with optimism and excitement. Many (but not all) of our arguments over the years were related to our eldest and life now feels calmer.

My advice to anyone reading this now would be similar to yours - don’t assume things will get better and act now. I would also add to that that we all deserve a caring and loving partner who will share the load, whatever that load may involve. Good luck, I hope that one day you will look back at it all from a better place. Also that you experience joy, happiness and love along the way 💕

[StickyFloor]

@abcdangel
@TheMonster
@methodsandmaterials

Are you still here too? Did things get better for you?

[Aria999]

I realized how old the thread is after I posted.

That's a bleak update OP. I hope things do get better for you.

[StickyFloor]

Gosh it’s so strange reading that post. That time when the kids were 7 - 8 seems like a relatively calm period now, I’d forgotten how awful I felt. I feel like Davina should be introducing this, but here goes, a potted history of the last 10 years:

Both twins had minor physical SEN back then which have developed massively and we now have MH and other behavioural issues in the mix too. They need more care than ever and it’s all on me.

If I’m honest I pressed pause on my life thinking I’d resume when they reached 18 but now that’s round the corner and they are unlikely to move on at all and I’m panicking at what comes next.

DH and I are still together but if I won the lottery we’d split immediately. He works and then comes home and plays computer games. He never ever helped unless there was some emergency as he considered childcare to be my job. I do everything else as well, including caring for his MIL who is the 1/4 grandparents who hasn’t died over the last 10 years. He still thinks I have the easy part of this marriage and we resent each other massively.

I gradually gave up hobbies, exercising, work, as there wasn’t enough time to actually enjoy anything properly. While the kids are at school I do jobs then sleep until the afternoon school run.

There have never been friends or family to lend a hand and we don’t qualify for respite despite regularly applying for it.

People no longer refer to my life as perfect because our challenges are obvious. But we’re still perceived as heroes, struggling on doing a marvellous job.

Looking back I don’t know what we could have done differently but I’m devastated that nearly 18 years have produced very few happy memories for me, it’s just been a hard slog and it’s still happening. I’ve been in hospital briefly 3 times for minor things over the years and thanks to private medical insurance / DH not visiting with the kids, I look fondly on each of those as little mini breaks. How awful is that. We abandoned actual family holidays in 2013 after a spectacularly awful trip.

I like to think that at least I’ve done my best for the kids despite sacrificing my own happiness but the jury’s out on that too as they have so many issues to cope with that they are both desperately unhappy.

If you’re feeling like this with younger kids then I think my advice would be to try and change things now. Don’t wait years for it to get better because it might not improve if you don’t make changes now.

[Aria999]

I think spending time with small children even when you love them loads is seldom (not never) more fun than spending it without them. It's constant and exhausting and going on vacation is actually the hardest part.

I do actually like being a parent even so. But it's a constant struggle to carve out time for yourself and make sure your own needs get some priority as well.

I get frustrated by people on Mumsnet who think you're not a good parent if you don't constantly sacrifice yourself for your kids and put your own needs last.

So you are not unreasonable to be not looking forward to going on holiday. I think other pp are right to consider depression. But you also need to think about what would actually make you happier and see if it's possible to achieve it or at least move in that direction.

[Aria999]

Do you get to spend time away from them? I missed if you have a partner but if not, babysitting for a night out with friends?

[HREPB]

Hi - I also feel the same and have a 1 year old. @StickyFloor it would be greet to hear from you about how you are feeling now, after all this time.

[momslifesouthafrica]

Hi there, I can so relate to what you are feeling. I see that no one has posted on this thread for a year now but would love to know if things improved for you and if so, how?

[titihood]

Echoing other people's opinions, but I think it is normal to not feel fab all the time - whether you are a parent or not. (And is probably far less likely when you are a parent as you have no time to yourself and your whole life seems to revolve around other people). However, feeling disinterested in things and not having the energy or wherewithal to bother, when everything feels like a drag and happiness seems like a distant memory are symptoms of depression, and there are a lot of things you can do to help cope with and overcome those feelings, not just magic pills.
Being a parent is the hardest and simultaneously most wonderful 'occupation' you can do. Don't feel guilty for feeling down - get some help. There are people who specialise in all sorts of therapy depending what you think might help you most.
Something quick and easy that you can do in the meantime is to start a journal where, every evening, you write down 3 things that made you happy that day. You cannot repeat these things on other evenings - e.g. if you write "healthy, dh made dinner, had nice walk" you cannot use any of those in the journal again. Sounds silly but it helps me.

[littletinkers]

Hi

Have depression, goes up and down, and sometimes like the last week I find it all a drag. My husband has arthritis (bad arthritis) and works 12 - 13 hour days and I can't get out in the evenings much as a result. It's all pretty much down to me. I hate the endless washing, tidying up, ironing, and even things like teeth brushing, trying to get them to eat stuff i have slaved over. I love the kids dearly and enjoy their company most of the time but the jobs, the absense of adult compnay, the inability to go out, the fact that after an oxbridge education all i do is endless domestic chores... i hate all of that. I am in therapy and it helps hugely - made me realise I am terrible at going after what I want in life - feel guilty about it and kow tow to others opinions. If you are not happy that's okay - don't beat yourself up about it - what are your options. If other people think you have a great life that is BS they are not you and this is about what you want and need to be a happy good parent. They don't know the reality of what you live with or your real circumstances. I'd say get some proper supportive psychotherapy and look at ways you can get what you want out of life whilst being a good parent.

[abcdangel]

OP and chick I can so sympathise and had actually been considering starting a similar thread.

Nearly everything you have said is ringing true. I love my children SO much, but I don't much like my life since having them sometimes.

I have a lovely home, lovely DH and 2 gorgeous DDs (12 & 8), but I don't always relish my role as a mother. I find it REALLY hard work. I feel all I do is nag them -

get up...
get dressed...
eat...
clean teeth..
remember this...
take that to school...
don't forget to bring that home...
do your homework...
hang uniform up...
hurry up...
don't do that...
pick that up...

Most evenings one of them does something. I feel in between the "doing" there's no time to actually "be", and being a natural loner, I do really resent not having time to just be on my own and quiet - in fact my "me" time tends to be at work where I can just be quiet and get on with things.

I don't want to wish my time with them away, or look back and feel I have wasted any of it, but sometimes I wonder whether other children have a nicer life cos their mums are better at it than me.

[TheMonster]

I have never enjoyed it. My DS is nearly five and everyday is a chore.

[MrsGravy]

I totally disagree chickincharge. The OP's experience isn't your typical experience of motherhood at all. I don't think anyone would disagree that it's exhausting and all-consuming, and no-one enjoys motherhood ALL the time. But to not enjoy it at all - over the course of 8 whole years?? No, that's not right. I would suggest this is a problem that takes more than a glass of wine and a good gab with a friend to fix. Life should not be that miserable and the OP owes it to herself to try and make her life happier.

[plinkduet]

God yes. But then I'm a lone parent so it makes 'me time' almost impossible. I don't have older children (or twins) like you, they're both under 4 with a very small age gap.

The eldest starts school this september but the youngest will still be too young to start nursery, so I'm sure I may have more time to myself then, especially as the youngest still naps for an hour or two during the day.

But 8 years old and you have no me time? That worries me :(
Are they not old enough for regular sleepovers at their friend's house, staying with grandparents for a week at a time, etc.?

'I look forward to 9pm and then I can tidy up in peace and sit on the sofa for an hour or so, then go to bed. Woohoo. '
Me too! I just need to be able to sit still sometimes in complete silence and do ..... absolutely nothing. That's not a waste of my me time, it's not unproductive in anyway to feel guilty about, or is it to be underestimated. It is essential for recharging my mental batteries.


Lastly, magic pills as you call them, don't even bother, it just conceals the underlying problem. Better off with some relaxing therapies such as yoga :)

[bejeezus]

It is the hardest job in the world chickincharge it is repetitive and crazy-making and often mind numbingly boring. Most people feel like this.

But IMO what the OP describes goes beyond that. She seems unable to 'crack open a bottle of wine with a mate and give herself a break'

After 8 years you would hope OP would have been able to adjust to being a parent to some degree and find some humour amongst the insanity

[AngryFeet]

Hmm I disagree chickincharge. I felt the same as the OP when DC2 was young and the first 3 years of his life (2 year age gap) I did feel very low. But now they are 6 and 4 life is so much easier and I would imagine by the age of 8 it will be even better. I now enjoy spending time with my kids (90% of the time!).

I think to be unhappy all the time when your kids are at one of the best ages (from what I have heard) and to not be able to enjoy time away from them sounds abnormal to me. They are 8 not babies, it shouldn't be this hard at this stage.

OP - are the kids difficult? What makes it so hard to be with them?

[chickincharge]

I don't think you're depressed, I think you're honest, I don't understand how people think that giving your entire life over is fun, how picking up toys, wiping backsides, breaking up fights, having nothing for yourself is something you should do with a constant smile on your face. I'm with you, pity there aren't more people who can acknowledge that being a full time mother is a bloody hard boring slog, but we do it because they are our kids and we love them, and you can't pay someone to love your kids, give yourself a break, crack open the wine with a mate, and have a good bitch about the other mums who won't admit to their kids getting on their tits, and pretend to be so fucking perfect (usually the ones who rarely see their children, as the mil is bringing them up while they carry on their pre kids lives)

[Mellowfruitfulness]

Oh and giving your kids to someone else for a week - can you do that? My sisters and mum were fantastic and often had mine for a week in order to give me a break.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and yet we all try to do it entirely on our own and feel humiliated when we ask for help.

[Mellowfruitfulness]

There's a lot of good advice here, Stickyfloor. I also think you are probably suffering from depression, and you should see a doctor, because 8 years is a long time to be unhappy for. However, if you don't want to take pills, then maybe you could see a counsellor, and talk it through?

I've had a taste of what you're going through. At one point, I would take the kids to school, come back, sit in a chair and then at 3.30 I would get up and collect them. The chair would be surrounded by empty coffee cups, but I would have no memory of the day at all. Looking back, I think I was just exhausted after a particularly difficult year, and recharging my batteries. Luckily, it didn't go on for more than a few months.

On another occasion, I realised that I whenever I opened my mouth I was complaining, and constantly negative about everything. So I bought myself a scarf to remind me to try to put a positive spin on things. I had to work at it, but it did eventually break the habit of always looking at the bad side.

Nothing lasts forever, and you will come through this period, but it is sad that you are not able to enjoy it.

[bejeezus]

sticky floor I took ADs for post natal depression when dd1 was 9 months old. Previous to that I would have felt the same as you about taking happy-pills, similar stiff upper lip family.

IME

Pills wont change your situation but may help you to find the joy in your situation-you already said others describe your life as perfect.
I felt like, Anti-depressants gave me an anchor to get my life back on course. I no longer felt so dispondant about everything. They dont give you any kind of euphoria, just a gentle leg-up

[methodsandmaterials]

Gosh, I could have written your OP. DS is 2 and I keep waiting for the moment where it all makes sense and when I start feeling positive about my role as a parent.