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Parenting

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Original poster

Have I ruined my baby?

48 replies

Natzer · 15/07/2011 20:12

I'm a first time mum with a 3 month old little girl, she is a fairly easy and laid back baby and always has been. We have been using a baby sleep plan to get her to sleep through the night, it has worked and she does now sleep through from 6.30pm until 7.30am. There was never really any real controlled crying maybe a controlled grizzle or 2 but she never proper crying.

I suppose I'm upset partly because I'm not with her for those 13 hours a day, she also has 4 hours worth of naps per day too. One other big problem I feel is that she no longer falls alseep on me, she has learnt self settle and she crys to be put down in her cot to fall asleep.

I know i'm really lucky that she has such a good sleep pattern, ( I know this wont always be the case, with teething etc) but when I watch her on the video monitor all I want is a cuddle , I see her wake and then suck her thumb and get herself off to sleep. I feel that at 3 months she doesn't really need me and it really upsets me.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HumphreyCobbler · 15/07/2011 20:15

Of course she needs you. You are the person she needs more than any other. Please don't feel this way, you are truly blessed in getting sleep. She sounds happy, secure and contented and you have made her this way

K999 · 15/07/2011 20:20

At 3 months she doesn't need you? Are you crazy?

Enjoy the peace. Folk on here beg for help re sleep issues with their kids.

You are lucky......

HumphreyCobbler · 15/07/2011 20:22

I think most people with non sleeping babies struggle with feeling failures because they can't get them to sleep.

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TheRealMBJ · 15/07/2011 20:25

I can understand a little of how you feel OP as having a cuddly sleeping baby on your lap is a lovely thing, but rest assured, she still needs you all the time. Even when she is sleeping. You are lucky to have such a easy going baby and having the rest at night will allow you to spend more quality time with your DD during the day.

You have not ruined her, not at all, an as long as you respond to her needs with sensitivity and compassion, you won't either.

Enjoy this time, remember, the teenage years are still coming.

BeerTricksPotter · 15/07/2011 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Natzer · 15/07/2011 20:36

Thank you for your kind messages and reassurance, I recently stopped breast feeding and I think that has added to the feeling of detatchment, and with her now deciding not to fall asleep on me I don't get any sleepy cuddles any more either.

Maybe I will feel different after a few nights of teething or if she has a sleep regression..

I'm off to give her a cuddle.

Thank you Humpreycobbler your first post made me cry

OP posts:

Ba8y1 · 15/07/2011 20:41

Natzer, my LO is much the same as yours - he is now 5 mo and has slept from 7- 6/7 with a dream feed at 10:30pm since he was about 6 weeks. He has never been able to fall asleep on me, except once when he woke at 6 and slept on my chest until he fed at 7 - so cute!
He is as happy on his playmat as in my arms and is a very happy, chilled out baby. He has never really cried that much.... oh except for vaccinations when I figured out he really does have a voice when needed!!

I think some babies are just made that way and I know he needs me - the smile he gives me when I go and see him in the morning or when he wakes after a nap is just heart melting and he laughs and laughs throughout our play together. He is quite like that with his dad too, but with other people the smiles are rarer.

The thing is, he needs me to give him what he needs... his food, his clean nappies/clothes and his routine so he always knows what is going to happen next and his sleep - babies need to sleep to grow and develop and thrive and in some ways I think establishing a good sleep pattern is one of the best gifts you can give them.

(Disclaimer - I do know this is not easy in some cases!)

TheRealMBJ · 15/07/2011 20:43

Stopping bf also causes a hormonal change that may make you more emotional.

seeker · 15/07/2011 20:43

Is she putting on weight? 13 hurs seems a very long time for a 3 month old to be going without a feed......

moondog · 15/07/2011 20:45

Why have you been trying to get a baby so young 'trained' in this way? I'd be feeling shaky too frankly.
She is three months old!!

seeker · 15/07/2011 20:46

i wouldn't worry anyway - it won't last!

PercyPigPie · 15/07/2011 20:48

Nice one Moondog

Roo83 · 15/07/2011 20:51

Just wait for the 4 month sleep regression...you still have your chance for night time cuddles! My dd slept through from 6 weeks, I worried she slept too much. However, I've had my fair share of sleepless nights, and clingyness at different times (she's 10 months now). Sounds like she's a happy, contented baby and you're doing a great job

Original poster

Natzer · 15/07/2011 20:51

seeker yes she is putting on loads of weight, she is in the 75th centile. In fact the HV once told me she was putting on weight too quickly (which I was shocked by! and made me feel guilty).

When she wakes in the morning she doesn't cry for a feed, she makes a few noises and I always get to her before she cries for food.

OP posts:

Original poster

Natzer · 15/07/2011 20:56

moondog it wasn't training as such, more trying to get into a routine, we put her to bed and always go to her if she grumbles, its just that the periods of time between the grumbles have got longer over time.

I've never not fed her if she has woken in the night, she fell into this routine fairly easily.

OP posts:

FoxyRevenger · 15/07/2011 20:56

Oh Natzer...I sort of know what you mean. I would love my daughter to curl up with me for a sleep but she just needs to be alone in her cot to drop off. If she wakes in the night crying I bring her through to our bed, but after ten minutes she tosses and turns and needs her own space again.

But, she loves us, is a happy little girl who sleeps well, so I know I am doing my job well, just as you are.

RobynLou · 15/07/2011 21:00

When DD1 first slept through the night I remember really missing her, it made me feel rather sad that the tiny baby days were over so quickly.
after a few months she went back to needing cuddles in the night though!
as you've just stopped bfing you're probably on a massive hormone comedown which won't be helping.

Ba8y1 · 15/07/2011 21:02

Moondog - the younger you start the less stressful for all involved! Never had to do any controlled crying etc... because there were no bad habits to break!!

I started a routine at 3 days, always put him to sleep in his cot, if he fell asleep while feeding I would make sure he was very slightly awake as he was put into his cot so he could start to self-settle, regular feeds with top ups of expressed milk in the early days when my supply was a bit low - I generally fed more often than demanded as I think waiting till he demanded was often too long. I got him used to morning vs evening air (not sure if that is actually useful!) and we have a 2 hour wind down routine before bed.

Why on earth would that leave you shaky??!! Surely a contented settled baby that gets a decent amount of sleep is going to be happier than a baby without any structure and as a result poor sleeping habits?! Breastfeeding is hard enough without the added stress of lack of sleep contributing to reduced supply etc etc. AND then you have to break all the bad habits when you finally decide you want a good nights sleep - trying to break those habits with pick up/put down or controlled crying etc... would leave me shaky....

I don't think that was a very helpful comment to an OP who is already feeling fragile.

And seeker it may well not last - but its got a much better chance than hit and miss, non-routine, good nights have - again I don't think very helpful.

moondog · 15/07/2011 21:04

'there were no bad habits to break!!'

Jesus Christ.
Words fail me.
What a terrifying attitude.

seeker · 15/07/2011 21:05

I hate to break it to you, ba8y1 - but that happened because of the sort of baby you had. Your next one, if you have one may very well not react the same. I am a freewheeling, hippy type parent - and I had one freewheeling hippy type baby and one who appeared to have read GF in the womb! big shock to my system he was!

nethunsreject · 15/07/2011 21:06

Natzer, my first was a naturally good sleeper and napped well too. I felt the same - I missed him! He would be happily asleep in his cot and I would feel that something was wrong. But he was happy. And so is your dd. Enjoy the rest, cuddle as much as she wants when she wants it and NO YOU HAVEN'T RUINED HER!

She needs you - you are her world and will be for a long time.

If it is any consolation, ds2 is a velcro, co-sleeping, don't put me down mama baby and it is fucking knackering!

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2011 21:06

Don't worry. The nexy baby, should you have one, will never want to be put down and will cry for you all the time! Sod's law.

Ba8y1 · 15/07/2011 21:06

what a silly part of my post to pick up on!

if you would like it reworded... "when you want them to get into 'good habits'

nethunsreject · 15/07/2011 21:07

seeker - me too! Ds1 also like a baby from GF. Ds2 like a baby from Dr Sears!

I used to think the parenting made the baby, but it is the other way round.

HumphreyCobbler · 15/07/2011 21:11

I do think that the OP made it clear that she had not indulged in any kind of harsh training. That is how I read it anyway.

Can we not have a row here - I think the OP is feeling fragile and that she WAS feeling better for a minute there.

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