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Original poster

upset with MIL

75 replies

happytree · 14/07/2011 18:08

hi,
was going to post in Am I being unreasonable but feeling a little too fragile.
Bit of background, DS, now 15 months and I have been to a few groups (baby massage, breast feeding support) but nothing recently as I have returned to work (3 days) and all the things I might have been interested in have been on my work days. PIL have always been a bit disappointed that I haven't taken ds to every group going, saying things like, "i'm sure he'd learn to walk, talk quicker if you took him.
Anyway, they cut out an advert for a group local to them a few months ago and suggested I go to that. For reasons I wont go into DH and I do not want to go to that particular village and said to PIL.
PIL have been looking after ds 1 day a week (my parents having him the other two days) and yesterday MIL delivered DS home saying that she had taken him to the mother and toddler group!
She had not mentioned that this was her intention at all when she picked him up. She then went on and on about what a good time they had together .
I'm quite a shy person and find the groups very difficult but I was so jeleous and cross with her.
Last week she took him to the beach without saying anything until the evening!
I really don't think this is on!?
What do I do. I hate confrontation but this has really got to me.
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and DH has had to move away for work so that might be exasperating things.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Becaroooo · 15/07/2011 07:28

YABU. You get free childcare and have GPs who want to spend time with their GC.

My PIL look after my ds2 2 afternoons a week (at their request btw)

I dont know where they take him prior to their time together....they take him to parks, the shops, out visiting their friends. They both have mobile phones so I can contact them or they me in an emergency.

You sound jealous tbh that they are taking him and not you, but you have said you find these groups difficult? So, should your ds have to stay at home every day because you dont want to go?????

Odd.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 15/07/2011 07:32

Heehee you sound like the daughter in law from hell.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 15/07/2011 08:08

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MrMan · 15/07/2011 08:16

Let's be clear on what OP has said.

She is fine for MIL to take DS out to beach, groups, whatever. However she has two requests: first, to know if they plan a major outing that is hours away, an second not to go to a very specific group that she has good reasons to reject (for all we know the group might be run by a suspected pedo).

She has not said it, but I strongly suspect she really appreciates and is grateful for the help, since she is 20wks pg and working.

I think this is reasonable. Others may disagree but it is definitely not the kind of post that asks for the bashing going on.

MrMan · 15/07/2011 08:17

MardyBra · 15/07/2011 08:27

I suspect the reason the OP is not giving reasons for avoiding the toddler group is that she suspects that they will get shot down because she is BU.

OP I think your problem is that you are jealous of your PILs. It's tough but you need to let go and let your child enjoy being with the GPs.

Mobly · 15/07/2011 08:30

MrMan, the problem is that the posts come across, IMO, like the Op's need to control and her jealousy are the dominating factors in her head and not the child's happiness. That's what is slightly disturbing.

I would be over the moon that my DS had a lovely day and was happy, that he is safe and well cared for, how can you be jealous that your DS had fun with someone else- would you rather he be bored and the only fun times are with mummy? That is frankly disturbed thinking.

NorksAreMessy · 15/07/2011 08:31

happytree I think the flak you are getting is because it is not clear WHY you are upset about your MIL taking her DGS to these places, and it could be construed as you being ungrateful.
Also, I completely understand that if there is fun to be had with your DS, you would much rather be the one enjoying it, and that would make me sad, too. Not cross with my MIL, just sad that I couldn't be with my DS.

But, really, your MIL is not deliberately trying to piss you off, she is just trying to make it a little easier for herself in a long day of looking after a little person. After your own DC are grown up, to take on a little one for a whole day is daunting, and she will be looking for some support for herself

Perhaps it might help for you to suggest some places that you go to with your DS that he enjoys...but not too much! Please don't close down communication or contact, or do anything to spoil their relationship. She is going to be your DS's granny for a very long time, and with another baby in the family soon, he is going to need another adult who loves him as well as his own family.

barleycorn · 15/07/2011 09:01

Happytree, you sound a lot like me a few years ago. My MIL helped us out with childcare for our PFB, which was in theory fantastic, as all these posters are saying, but there was always an implicit criticism that I didn't do things right, her way was the best etc etc.

I felt that when I did make any request it would be ignored or she'd contrarily do the opposite, which was incredibly frustrating (and at the time not helped by the thought that she was saving us money - she really wanted to look after the child).

I think a lot of posters are also underestimating how anxious you can get about your PFB when they're still so little and you have to go back to work. With dc2 I was much more chilled about it all, didn't feel so threatened in my mothering skills and felt as long as he was happy I could let other things go.

I think you have to focus on your ds, is he happy with what MIL is doing with him? He has to build his own relationship with her, hopefully she'll be a very significant person in his life, though obviously never as precious as his own mother.

The rest of it really isn't important, you just have to take deep breaths and let things go, remembering that your ds is the most important person in all of this. Looking back it was a piece of cake compared to having to peel a screaming toddler off me and hand him over to nursery staff every morning.

Good luck.

wordfactory · 15/07/2011 09:15

I think it's hugely important as a parent to take a step back and assess what you are and aren't doing for your DC.

You then see gaps in the market.

This is not the point at which to beat yourself up, but the point aat which to enlist and positively welcome those that will help out.

Look upon it as your ILs doing things that you don't want to or can't manage. Think of it as a favour .

itsraining · 15/07/2011 09:35

Op, you said way back that you should have posted in AIBU, well, I think you are.

Either you trust your mil to look after dc, or you don't. I appreciate that you're pregnant and you dh is away, but you are trying to micro manage you mil which implies that you don't trust her and at the same time you are trying to control everything she does during her day when she is looking after your dc. Can I ask, do you expect to control your own parents in the same way?

You wouldn't be able exert this kind of control over a childminder, you know. They take children out for trips without getting the express consent from the parents each time.

The fact that you won't say why you don't want your dc to attend the toddler group makes me think that you reasons for not wanting mil to take dc there are spurious to say the least.

I do think that someone who wants to have so much control over what happens to their dc needs to seriously consider whether they should stay at home to look after their dc themselves and I say that as someone who has very clear ideas about how I want to parent my own children and made this decision.

FoxyRevenger · 15/07/2011 09:57

wordfactory good post.

I love that idea; filling in the gaps in your own parenting style by enlisting others.

I love my daughter to the ends of the earth but I'm just no good at the really physical fun stuff, but now she gets plenty of that with her GPs three days a week, and it's definitely good for all of us.

wigglesrock · 15/07/2011 10:12

I agree foxyrevenger my girls garden with my parents, I can't think of anything I like doing less, it's like having an extra room to clean . My mil also taught dds to play draughts, tiddlywinks etc and how to jigsaws, I know I wouldn't have done this.

megkat · 15/07/2011 10:17

I second all the others - my MIL and my mum look after mine at least once a week after school and all day in the holidays - MIL never takes them out and although i hate that I can't say it - if she's not comfortable to do it then it's not my business.

I did stop my MIL looking after mine when they were babies for a while - but that involved giving medicines to wrong child and other pretty serious things. The things you are talking about are fun things, all good for your DS, especially when you are pregnant and may not feel up to outings yourself.

I would say be grateful - there are much more serious reasons for being upset at your MIL than her providing good fun!

Summerbird73 · 15/07/2011 10:22

wigglesrock your post made me my DH teaches DS to garden as i too cant be doing with an 'extra room to clean' and your IL's sound wonderful (i havent the foggiest idea how to play draughts )

sorry OP but you do need to take a step back and realise what your IL's are doing for your child and for you. i shall send you a copy of our monthly nursery bill so you can just see what enourmous value for money (or no money) you are getting (FWIW DS loves our nursery - money well spent)

Summerbird73 · 15/07/2011 10:23

also a friend and i saw our mutal friend's childminder in a local soft play with said mutual friends son. the CMs were all sitting round chatting whilst the kids were running riot.

seriously - your DD is having a wonderful time with a responsible and loving carer

sparkle1977 · 15/07/2011 10:26

Hate to tell you happytree but when PILs start looking after your DC you will get instances when they don't listen to your wishes IMO. My PILs do this ALL THE BLOODY TIME. Am just counting down the days until they will cease looking after them for me, in this respect anyway.

I think you need to learn to grit your teeth and smile nicely unless its a really big issue.

I cannot see the problem with a baby group or a trip to the beach ?? Maybe I am missing something ?

MrMan · 15/07/2011 13:11

I can't help but remember the time when my own parents disappeared with my DC once. Said they were going for quick walk, they were gone for ages. DW and I panicked, feared the worst, drove around searching for them. Turned out they went to a far-away park and "lost track of time". For 4 hours and they did not take their mobiles. I've had trust issues since then.

Not the same as OP but maybe why I relate.

Mobly · 15/07/2011 13:20

I understand that Mrman, but the op is not saying she suffers anxiety in that manner. She is saying she experiences jealousy, not sadness, as if she resents her kid having fun because it's not with her. I could have misread it but that is how it comes across to me.

EldritchCleavage · 15/07/2011 15:05

I agree with MrMan, actually.

ContraryMartha · 15/07/2011 16:08

I agree with MrMan too.

Really nice for the people who have fab relationships with their inlaws, but this is certainly not the case for everyone.

And calling the OP a loon when she has already admitted feeling fragile is out of line.

Happy tree, I understand why you are feeling upset.
Could you say something to MIL along the lines of "thank you for taking DS to the beach. But if you ever do a similar outing, could you let me know? That way I can be sure to pack his bucket and spade/ hat/ sunscreen."
Letting her know that you would like advance warning of what they are up to that day.
It is certainly not unreasonable to want to know where your small child is and how he is spending his day.

Original poster

happytree · 15/07/2011 19:53

I am very grateful to my parents and PIL but I would like my wishes and requested to be respected. I don't think that is unreasonable. The whole 'group' thing i am not going to go into but lets just say DH and I have had a very tramatic experience over the last few years of which DS being born was the only ray of light and that was due to the people in that village. Also the reason my DH has got a job 230 miles away and I will join him in Nov (as soon I can)
I have spoken to DH and he is also cross. We are going together to say that we really appreciate it but if they could please let us know if they are planning a big trip just so we know (even so I can pack extra clothes/ sun hats etc) and that they might be late.
I was being very honest when I said i felt jeleous, and I'm sure a lot of mums and dads who have to leave their DC feel a little like this from time to time so I think some of the comments have been a bit harsh.
If I was the DIL from hel I would have kicked off. I didn't, I smiled nicely and said "oh, that sounds lovely, thank you for having him" as i think i've said I'm not very good at confrontation so tend to internalise then get worked up (probably more than I should but as I said I am very tired, DH gone, 20 weeks pregnant and working)
Thanks

OP posts:

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 15/07/2011 20:52

I do understand the jealous thing, I have taken ds to the zoo twice already, BIL is taking him next week while I'm at work. I'm jealous because I want to go too, I want to see what ds thinks of it all now he's 2 months older than the last time we went. It seems silly but it's true.

Gymbob · 15/07/2011 20:54

Your in-laws will, I'm sure, be wanting to make the most of seeing their grandchild while they can if you are set to move 230 miles away from them.

I wish you and your family all the best and hope that everything works out for you. You sound like you've had a rough time.

Do your in-laws babysit for you on an evening, so you can have some time to yourself?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 16/07/2011 11:13

the only person you can dictate terms to so firmly is a nanny

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