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Original poster

upset with MIL

75 replies

happytree · 14/07/2011 18:08

hi,
was going to post in Am I being unreasonable but feeling a little too fragile.
Bit of background, DS, now 15 months and I have been to a few groups (baby massage, breast feeding support) but nothing recently as I have returned to work (3 days) and all the things I might have been interested in have been on my work days. PIL have always been a bit disappointed that I haven't taken ds to every group going, saying things like, "i'm sure he'd learn to walk, talk quicker if you took him.
Anyway, they cut out an advert for a group local to them a few months ago and suggested I go to that. For reasons I wont go into DH and I do not want to go to that particular village and said to PIL.
PIL have been looking after ds 1 day a week (my parents having him the other two days) and yesterday MIL delivered DS home saying that she had taken him to the mother and toddler group! Angry
She had not mentioned that this was her intention at all when she picked him up. She then went on and on about what a good time they had together Sad.
I'm quite a shy person and find the groups very difficult but I was so jeleous and cross with her.
Last week she took him to the beach without saying anything until the evening!
I really don't think this is on!?
What do I do. I hate confrontation but this has really got to me.
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and DH has had to move away for work so that might be exasperating things.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
happytree · 14/07/2011 20:56

Well i really wish i had posted on AIBU now.
DS could be negativly effected by that play group.
To let me know, we might go to the beach today is, i don't think too much to ask. And no, she doesn't always remember her mobile.
As you have said, free child care clearly doesn't work with her, although my parents seem to manage not to go behind my back. So you have helped me to decide that it wont be continuing.
Thanks

OP posts:
Ragwort · 14/07/2011 21:00

You are really heading for huge in-law problems if you stop your DS going to your in-laws but allow him to go to your parents - what does your DH say about all this?

OuchFriggingBludger · 14/07/2011 21:05

i think thats probably best, happytree i dont use any childcare, there are some things i couldnt abide,and i have actually stopped unsupervised contact entirely with one GP as his comments were affecting her,he couldnt see that though.

if they are not listening to you as the parent,then yes,id stop it too.

i do however know that most of the things i worry about are of no real consequence,to anyone,except me. Grin

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OuchFriggingBludger · 14/07/2011 21:07

perhaps continue seeing them all together,though,were you can 'control' the situation,to some extent.
at least you wont feel like you 'owe' them anything.

cjbartlett · 14/07/2011 21:09

Pmsl at taking a grandchild is going behind your back

Youmust hate your inlaws to view it like that Sad

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 14/07/2011 21:11

Why will he be negatively affected?

Is it some sort of satanist playgroup? (no offence to any satanists who may be reading Wink)

Choufleur · 14/07/2011 21:14

How is going to the beach going behind your back? Do you really expect her to ask if she can take him anywhere? Childminders and nursey don't do that.

cjbartlett · 14/07/2011 21:18

I'm really sorry to be harsh but you sound loony
While your dd is with mil she can take her where she likes
Next week my dcs will stay with their grandparents
Yes they'll get spooky rotten, eat more crisps than I'd like, go to bed later etc but they'll be with family who i know and trust
If you don't trust your mil get a nursery or childminders to look after her, but your childminder won't ask your permission about what groups to attend, she'll just go where her mates go

Summerbird73 · 14/07/2011 21:18

i really dont see the problem. it has been a beautiful sunny day and i would have been mortified if DS had been indoors all day. i think taking him to the beach is a brilliant fun thing to do.

and i agree that toddlers that age need other children's company. DS has been going to nursery since he was 9mo and is now 2, he loves playing with the other children and can easily integrate with other children he doesnt know.

i think you should be grateful that your IL's are making the effort. also WRT this playgroup - is it in a 'rough' area or something?

i am guessing pregnancy hormones are a little bit at play here. but i agree that i think you ABVU

Pancakeflipper · 14/07/2011 21:27

Taking your child to the beach for fun time with grandma is not going behind your back. I doubt it was done to annoy you. I bet they did it cos' they love your little one and thought it would fun for them.

Do you honestly expect his grandparents to check every activity they undertake?

Bloody hell you are hard work.

If this winds you up so extremely good luck when the kids get to school age... Cannot wait to see your posts then.

Nursery took my child for a walk to the park the other day and they had a picnic there... and they didn't tell me until I collected him. I missed a trick - I should have exploded in rage but there was me all happy cos' he'd had fun.

hackingandhewing · 14/07/2011 21:40

This is madness. Why stop him enjoying valuable time with his GPs?

By all means ask her what she has planned for the day but I think you are denying your son a lovely relationship which may prove extremely valuable to him later in life if you stop them from looking after him.

My MIl (at 83 years old) is one of my 12 yo DDs closest confidantes. My DD covets time with Granny because it is a lovely relationship they have.

Why oh why would you deny your son that over a trip to the beach?? (I do get it about the playgroup but please don't be hasty.)

(Feels strongly about loving GPs being involved in DCs life - can you tell?!)

TheCrackFox · 14/07/2011 21:58

She took him to a beach and a playgroup not the local betting shops.

Sandalwood · 14/07/2011 22:07

"She then went on and on about what a good time they had together :( "

:( ?!

happytree indeed.

MrMan · 14/07/2011 22:07

Wow, and I thought AIBU was a tough group Wink

HappyT I understand you feel frustrated. I would also want to know where my DC were, especially if there was an emergency and PIL did not have their mobiles. I don't think that is a strange request.

Regarding groups, can you quietly suggest options that would work better for them to go to?

Original poster
happytree · 14/07/2011 22:33

Thank you MrMan. That is all I am asking for. Just a quick 'We're going to the beach for the day.' I have absolubtly no problem with them going out and about (parks, shops etc) but the beach is well over an hour away (2hrs from where I work) and I just would have liked to know, especially when she has gone out without mobile before.
I'm not explaining about why that particular group was out of order but she knew it was, that is what I mean about going behind my back as we had said no in the past.
She has gone to other small groups (which were mainly granny based) which I have absolubtly no problem with.
Yes, I am jeleous, I can't help it. I would love to be a full time stay at home mum but it wont happen. I want my son to have fun, but I don't want my requests/ wishes to be ignored in the process.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 14/07/2011 22:52

Oh seriously you need to take a step back and get a grip ... She took him to the beach, a fun place !!!! Now if she said they'd sat in a pub all day I could understand your frustrations ..... But clearly he was fine. Ok you admit your jealous but surely that is not MILs fault? I assume she didn't force you back to work herself

Original poster
happytree · 14/07/2011 23:00

Why could she not tell me her plans for my DS?
And FWIW, minibmw, she went mad when she found out i was only going back part time as "She could handle child care" Hmm

OP posts:
D0G · 14/07/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shelscrape · 14/07/2011 23:11

first of all I can understand why you feel a bit fragile .... 15 month old, pregnant and DH away. Must be difficult.

However, if family are looking after your child while you work, you need to understnad they will want to do "granny" stuff if you know what I mean. Nothing wrong with trips out and going to toddler groups. At 15 months your child will love meeting other little ones and it will help speech and social development. You are not being unreasonable, but I think you just need to take a tiny step back and put previous issues with your MIL to one side. I think your MIL has not dealt with things very well herself if she knew what your views were. She should have been upfront and told you they were going though.

TheCrackFox · 14/07/2011 23:14

But maybe it was a spur of the momet thing going to the beach? I very rarely pre-plan my days with the DCs.

She is a grandma not a childminder so you will not get the same level of formality.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 14/07/2011 23:16

Why did you need to know? Don't you trust her? And so what if she was 2 hours away? Confused What would you need her for in an emergency? If they needed you they would have found a way to contact you.

You seem to have major control and anxiety issues. Please don't stop your PILs from spending time with your son, that's a real shame for him and them.

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/07/2011 23:22

dog- your post made me laugh.

But in all seriousness, happytree, you need to get over this. I can not stand my mother in law, to the point that when my daughter was younger I wouldn't let her see her as often as she would have liked etc, said really horrible things, but I have now realised it was a complete waste of my energies. All I managed to achieve was arguments with my husband, and my mil still carried on regardless doing what she wanted to do. I have now reached the conclusion that she really loves my daughter and that is the main thing. She does lots of idiotic things but when you look at the bigger picture, my daughter has a great time when she is with her and my mil means well. I am sure yours does too.

shelscrape · 14/07/2011 23:30

yes happytree, let go a bit. Part of being a parent is learning to let go. If your DS is safe and well cared for by people he loves and who love him, you've got to put your trust in them and leave them to it.

cory · 15/07/2011 00:25

happytree Thu 14-Jul-11 18:17:35

"A child minder would respect my and DH wishes to not go to a particular toddler group."

Nope, a childminder typically looks after several children from different families and would be highly unlikely to deprive the other children of something she felt would benefit them to fit in with your likes and dislikes. She would inform you of this and you would have to either fall in with her plans or find a different childminder. A childminder ime is not a person you can dictate to.

D0G · 15/07/2011 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.