I don't know where to start, But as the title says I do not like my Daughter. :(
I love her, I worry about her, I would never want any harm to come to her, But I just do not like her.
When I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon, was only 17 and with her father who was a bad man, I ended up becoming a single parent. Birth was fine, was over so quickly, I breast fed for the first few weeks, then bottle fed her as I was exhausted and it was not enough for her. I moved into my own place when she was a few months old (did live with my parents).
Then as toddler age approached I became so depressed, anxious and paranoid, I also ended up becoming agoraphobic, I could not bond with her, I was always shouting at her, and so angry she would not sleep in her own bed, I had no life, father did not bother, I felt so alone.
Parents started to help when she was 4, having her over night once a week, I moved to a new home and my neighbour befriended me, helped me out of my shell, things started to get worse when she started school, I was OK taking her to school, it was picking her up, I was an anxious wreck, most of the time my Nan who lived next door to school would walk her up the lane where I would meet her. Her behaviour was terrible, I ignored her and played playstation games, could not wait for her to go to bed. My parents started having her 2 nights a week for me, and then 3 nights a week.
I then met my current husband, long distance at first, he really brought me out of my shell, DD was then 6, she was her own person, independent, never had many friends, thanks to a nasty family who lived opposite me, putting bouncy castle outside their house for kids and telling mine to p'off. I moved again, changed her school due to her being bullied and teachers not supporting me with her behaviour, I fell pregnant with DD2, still in long distant relationship, we would go visit there (300 miles away) during holidays.
Fast forward a year ago, I moved up here with DD2, DD1 wanted to stay with nanny and with her friends, Was the best thing to do at the time as she was her own person, We never got on, always arguing, she was still a nightmare, always causing trouble. Anyway I got married, then 9 months ago she came to live with us as my Dad had enough of her causing trouble.
But trouble is still going on here, she is one month off her 12th bday, she does not listen to us, no respect, causing trouble in school, always fighting, tells teachers to p'off, smashes things, (smashed our front door cus we would not let her out), Does not understand the meaning NO, constantly causing trouble in school, stirring, writing stupid notes and putting them in kids bags, and then their parents are knocking at my door, she will not go to bed when told, starts to make so much nose and banging about. She also goes through stages of being in a dark place, keeps saying we do not love her, I have never come across this way to her, I always tell her I love her, She has everything, 32inch flat screen, to the modern sony ericson (Which we have taken off her due to causing trouble via texting). She never goes without.
School are being so supportive, referred her to school Councillor, and now to CAFS and GP referred her to CAHMS, we seen CAHMS and are awaiting a further appointment.
I just feel I can not cope with her anymore, My depression has come back, I am angry and depressed, new GP wants me back on antidepressants, which I am scared off, but I do need them to help me cope. Have even tried social services for rest bite, but they won't help. She is horrible to her sister who is 4, DD2 comes out with awful words in playschool picked up from her big sister.
She has (had?) a friend who is not really a nice girl, she has her own problems (ADHD), (but I just want DD to be happy) She slept at hers Friday straight from school, then Saturday I rung her friends and she wanted to stay that night too, I said no, but she ended up staying there after screaming at my DH when he went to collect her, and slammed the door. She then said she be home today for 7, DH rung spoke to friends DAD and he went and got her and took her home, she came in and started saying we don't love her, and friends DAD said she can stay there when ever she has problems at home. Friend rang accusing her of stealing her justin beiber glasses, I believe friend, as DD said she went in her bedroom when she got home, and suddenly her glasses she had lost appeared. FFS ! So she will get some c rap from friend in school tomorrow.
Actually feel a prisoner in my own home. I can not get up in the morning with DD1 (she leaves for school at 7.30, starts at 8), as soon as she leaves I come down, when she comes home from school DH is just coming through the door. BUT I have had to pick her up lately as to many kids are wanting to slap her, her head of year advised me to pick her up. I dread it, but I do it, ask her every day how her day has been, I get told to shut up.
I don't know why I am posting this, I suppose I just need to vent, and ask for some help. ? Please don't judge me.
Thank you for reading.