Don't like my Daughter

[darlyd]

I don't know where to start, But as the title says I do not like my Daughter. :(

I love her, I worry about her, I would never want any harm to come to her, But I just do not like her.

When I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon, was only 17 and with her father who was a bad man, I ended up becoming a single parent. Birth was fine, was over so quickly, I breast fed for the first few weeks, then bottle fed her as I was exhausted and it was not enough for her. I moved into my own place when she was a few months old (did live with my parents).

Then as toddler age approached I became so depressed, anxious and paranoid, I also ended up becoming agoraphobic, I could not bond with her, I was always shouting at her, and so angry she would not sleep in her own bed, I had no life, father did not bother, I felt so alone.

Parents started to help when she was 4, having her over night once a week, I moved to a new home and my neighbour befriended me, helped me out of my shell, things started to get worse when she started school, I was OK taking her to school, it was picking her up, I was an anxious wreck, most of the time my Nan who lived next door to school would walk her up the lane where I would meet her. Her behaviour was terrible, I ignored her and played playstation games, could not wait for her to go to bed. My parents started having her 2 nights a week for me, and then 3 nights a week.

I then met my current husband, long distance at first, he really brought me out of my shell, DD was then 6, she was her own person, independent, never had many friends, thanks to a nasty family who lived opposite me, putting bouncy castle outside their house for kids and telling mine to p'off. I moved again, changed her school due to her being bullied and teachers not supporting me with her behaviour, I fell pregnant with DD2, still in long distant relationship, we would go visit there (300 miles away) during holidays.

Fast forward a year ago, I moved up here with DD2, DD1 wanted to stay with nanny and with her friends, Was the best thing to do at the time as she was her own person, We never got on, always arguing, she was still a nightmare, always causing trouble. Anyway I got married, then 9 months ago she came to live with us as my Dad had enough of her causing trouble.

But trouble is still going on here, she is one month off her 12th bday, she does not listen to us, no respect, causing trouble in school, always fighting, tells teachers to p'off, smashes things, (smashed our front door cus we would not let her out), Does not understand the meaning NO, constantly causing trouble in school, stirring, writing stupid notes and putting them in kids bags, and then their parents are knocking at my door, she will not go to bed when told, starts to make so much nose and banging about. She also goes through stages of being in a dark place, keeps saying we do not love her, I have never come across this way to her, I always tell her I love her, She has everything, 32inch flat screen, to the modern sony ericson (Which we have taken off her due to causing trouble via texting). She never goes without.

School are being so supportive, referred her to school Councillor, and now to CAFS and GP referred her to CAHMS, we seen CAHMS and are awaiting a further appointment.

I just feel I can not cope with her anymore, My depression has come back, I am angry and depressed, new GP wants me back on antidepressants, which I am scared off, but I do need them to help me cope. Have even tried social services for rest bite, but they won't help. She is horrible to her sister who is 4, DD2 comes out with awful words in playschool picked up from her big sister.

She has (had?) a friend who is not really a nice girl, she has her own problems (ADHD), (but I just want DD to be happy) She slept at hers Friday straight from school, then Saturday I rung her friends and she wanted to stay that night too, I said no, but she ended up staying there after screaming at my DH when he went to collect her, and slammed the door. She then said she be home today for 7, DH rung spoke to friends DAD and he went and got her and took her home, she came in and started saying we don't love her, and friends DAD said she can stay there when ever she has problems at home. Friend rang accusing her of stealing her justin beiber glasses, I believe friend, as DD said she went in her bedroom when she got home, and suddenly her glasses she had lost appeared. FFS ! So she will get some c rap from friend in school tomorrow.

Actually feel a prisoner in my own home. I can not get up in the morning with DD1 (she leaves for school at 7.30, starts at 8), as soon as she leaves I come down, when she comes home from school DH is just coming through the door. BUT I have had to pick her up lately as to many kids are wanting to slap her, her head of year advised me to pick her up. I dread it, but I do it, ask her every day how her day has been, I get told to shut up.

I don't know why I am posting this, I suppose I just need to vent, and ask for some help. ? Please don't judge me.

Thank you for reading.

There is no easy way to say this,but fepm what you say it sounds as though she has had alot of rejection to cope with. A lot of children who have been in care can behave this way.

I may be wrong but it sounds as though sge expects to be rejected and us pushing people away as a defence mwchanism. That way she is less likely to he hurt as she didnt get close in the first place and in her mind she kndw they wouldnt want her so they'vd done exactly as she thought they would.

Its a vicious circle.

So im afraid the problem is not just your daughter but the whole family you included.

You probably need your own therapy to be able to deal positively with her and to break te cycle.

She knows you don't like her. You may think you are hiding it but from what you have said about her behaviour she is very very aware of how you feel about her. You need to listen to the advice you have been given on here and start to make some changes now! You are the adult, she is just a child.

You're doing the right thing going to CAMHS. They may suggest a family approach such as family therapy. If they do, please embrace this. It may feel to you that your daughter is the cause of the problems but as your first post shows, and you have identified, there have been problems with your attachment to your daughter from day one, and this has affected how your daughter feels and behaves, and continues to. Even if your daughter recieves some individual work it will not change everything as it needs a whole family approach, and as the problems are so long term do not expect change overnight.
But you do need to stop identifying your daughter as the sole source of problems. You control your relationship with her and you need to take responsibility for that. If you can change how you relate to her and how you parent it may well change how she behaves. You also need to start looking at your own feelings and why you have struggled with attaching to your daughter. It will be uncomfortable, but necessary if you want to move things on. How about getting some counselling for yourself? You sound a bit down anyway. If you have a local women's centre they may offer free counselling.
I understand that you have a sense of guilt over how things have worked out, but try not to let guilty feelings get in the way of the possibility of change. Feeling guilty just shows that you care, anyway. You can feel good about yourself as a parent that you love your daughter so much that you now want help to sort things out. That is a great starting point.
Best wishes.

darlyd Mon 27-Jun-11 10:08:14
"Dollius - If you read proply you will see I am not seeking help for myself, but for her"

And that is precisely the problem: you keep insisting that the problem lies entirely with her, when it is a problem for the whole family.

But you are contradicting yourself, darlyd.

You say, "She is not a burden to us", but also that she is making your life hell.

You say, "We love her to bits", but also, "I don't like my daughter".

You say "I have never let on to her that I don't like her", but you have told us that you did everything to avoid her when she was small, then handed her over to your parents, they then rejected her so she came back to you, and you now make sure you don't come downstairs till she has gone to school. However many times you tell her you love her, don't you think that actions speak louder than words?

Her behaviour sounds very, very challenging. It also sounds a classic acting out of real distress. Children who are desperate for their parents' attention will often act badly. Before she acted badly you ignored her. Now she knows that if she acts badly she will get some attention - and negative attention is better than none.

You say, "If you read properly you will see I am not seeking help for myself, but for her". I and other posters are suggesting that you MUST seek help for yourself, not just for her. You are very much part of the problem, and part of the solution too, if you could choose to be.

You've got to stop focusing on her behaviour being the problem. It isn't, it is just a symptom of the problem.
To be blunt - YOU are the problem.
Of course her behaviour is awful - it is the only way she knows to express how much pain she is in.
You need to to take ownership of that pain. See it as your pain, as a pain that the family needs to resolve as a unit.
You are not the helpless victim in all this - your daughter is.

I want to make it all better, But when ever we do things, and be lovable etc, just saying NO to one thing makes it all so difficult to carry on. I feel like calling in sick for rest of week, but then the office will bitch about me. (I am a care worker). And I am such a caring person, never goes sick, and I am usually bubbly, work will just fob me off and tell me If I don't work then vulnerable people will be left without food/bed because they have no one else to cover. (To many off cus of the nice weather, I worked my arse off covering over the weekend).

Arghhh I could scream.

You broke her, you fix her.

And yes Perhaps I am the problem, and perhaps she would be better off without me, perhaps everyone will be better off without me. I am a person, with a heart and feelings, not a maid. I have tp go scrub the bathroom sink now, she poured nail varnish in there last night, just because she knew she would not be punished as there is nothing left to take from her. (she has not had tv for over a week, no phone, nothing else to do). But I better go get on, Or I will be accused of being a lazy cow.

Going to blast some tunes, hoping it will cheer me on to get motivated not just for housework BUT for life in general.

Relate do family therapy......if it takes your last penny get some counselling. You, though no fault of your own, have really let your dd down. I wonder what you think she'd grow into with the long spells of insecurity in her formative years?

She hasn't got ADHD, she's tortured and tormented. FFS don't put her on ritilin because you fucked up.

This is your time OP to put things right, spend some time with your dd doing fun and nice things, it's the least you can do.

darlyd, this can't be fixed by the odd cinema trip and nailpainting session: your daughter's problems have gone way beyond that. You really do need some expert advice on how to manage her behaviour, and you need some family therapy to help you all work out what is going on and how it can be put right.

Do you love her enough to go into therapy with and for her?

And recognise that you may be depressed too/.

I think you are depressed, darlyd, and you need some support to help get you through this. I suspect you started this thread because you were in need of comfort, and now you've got all of us pointing the finger at you, and it sounds like more of the critical commentary you have heard all your life (not least from you to yourself) so you are trying to block it out.

Please listen to what we are saying. We are not attacking you, but we are urging you to be brave enough to face up to this.

And I agree with Hester fun things are just the beginning of getting to know this girl again, with new eyes.

It's easier for you to blame her than to accept this is your fault. Basically you've put petrol in a deisel engine and now it's broken....

I love her more than life itself. Perhaps I should leave, then she can be happy, so can DD2 and so can DH and so can everyone else who does not want me around. It's so obvious what I need to do. Can't carry on living like this, dreading the phone, dreading the door going.

I have fucked up, now I will put it right. She will be better off without me.

God you are such a victim, aren't you? Your daughter doesn't stand a chance.
Sorry to be so harsh but, you see, I have been where your dd is (although my behaviour was not so challenging).
You may well be depressed BUT SO IS SHE. And you should be focusing on her.

Stop being so bloody weak OP. That sort of talk is reserved for Soap Operas. Stop making this about you, the hard way, the right way is to fix it. Not emotionally abandon your dd and then walk out/kill yourself.

This is something you can fix, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

OP what are you going to do to make a difference, if you care about her more than life itself.....

darlyd, that is typical depressed thinking. You are emotionally exhausted and veer between two states: anger and self-hatred. Lots of us have been there and know how that feels, but it doesn't solve anything.

If you love her that much, then do the difficult thing: seek professional help. Accept that it will be hard work, that it will hurt you just where you are must vulnerable, that it will force you to deal with things you would rather avoid. Open yourself up to the possibility that life can be better - for you and for your children.

Threatening to abandon her AGAIN is not loving her. Fantasising that if you walked out of the door she would be happy is again abdicating your responsibilities.

I can see how much you're hurting. Please please please be brave and get some help.

Darlyd you are now being selfish. Stop it. She will NOT be better off without you. If you leave then she will think you have rejected her. Please don't. You have to stand and fight. I know this will be tough if you are depressed too but you must stop wallowing in this self pity. I am sorry if that is hard to hear, I am saying it for you and your daughter's benefit.

The reason your daughter reacts to no is because she doesn't understand what love is, she thinks love is all about saying yes and as soon as you say no or get cross etc. then that proves to her you don't love her. This is because of her history, not because that isn't how you should parent. I don't know how to get that back on track as I am not a professional but they will help. Again, stop blaming your daughter's behaviour and see it as a last try for help.

I have read with interest, and I really feel for you and can empathise.

Can I recommend you make an appointment with Family Futures? They are based in London (not sure where you are).

They deal with situations like yours and many others (including ours; we have had issues with dd1 (8) ) and have been very helpful.

I agree with dollius, you sound like a professional victim.

Everything is all about your daughter - but tbh you have to take responsibility for having created her this way.

She will KNOW that you don't like her, think she is nothing better than a pitbull. It doesn't matter if you write notes to put in her pencil case - that means nothing if she knows (and she will) that essentially you have never liked her and she was not wanted.

Yes you had a touch upbringing but LOTS of us have had vile childhoods and have had crippling depression and all sorts of shit going on. However most people do not wish to wallow in self pity and blame their daughter for having character flaws.

She is probably a very sad, unloved and unwanted 12 year old child. You need to stop looking at your own feelings and look at what SHE needs for the first time in your life.

Darlyd, I repeat: do you love her enough to go into therapy for her?

It might be a tall order asking you to take even a tiny bit of responsibility for your family, for whatever reason, at the moment.

Your situation is tricky, because your chickens have come home to roost. Your posts so far have shown that you aren't doing much mothering, that your way of operating results in damage to other people and that you react to any stress with histrionics. You can't change those behaviours overnight.

Maybe you would like someone to take the responsibility of your DD away. I would seriously consider going to SS for help - they should be able to do something for her. But, hard as it is to face, they won't take all the responsibility away. You will still be her mother, and until she is 18, you will probably have to have some contact with her.

This is one part of your life that you will have to accept that is non-negotiable. But it's only a very small part.

Corygal i get were your coming from and on the one hand that looks like a solution on te other going down the road of taking this poor kid into care will really screw her up for life.

Not saying ss shouldnt be involved if thats what is needed but to have her taken away..

That will just reject her again from her mum in an undeniable way. It will not turn put ok for this girl. She will be difficult to place and is likely to bounce around the care system or ops parents will feel some guilt and take her back. Having rejected her already.

Op you need to get to the drs get some help for yourself, ask for family therapy, therapy for yourself and adjust your hours. Yes its difficult but thos hours mean you spend precious little time with your dd who needs you.

Otherwise you will be responsible for screwing up her whole life if you pass the buck again.