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Original poster

Stay at home mum - dealing with the criticisms

33 replies

wssejh · 20/06/2011 08:33

Hi, I have decided to be a stay at home mum and ever since i've been batting off the criticisms. I put up with comments such as "children who don't go to nursery don't know how to share their toys" (as my 19 month old snatches a toy from her son) and "did you ever think about how your DD's socialisation skills are being impacted". Now I thought I was doing the right thing staying at home, I've given up my career (for now) and this was not an easy decision, but I never thought that some of my friends who have returned to work would be so judgemental. I take my DD to playgroups, music and dance classes and it's blimin hard work being a full time mum, but how do I cope with these comments which are increasingly making me more and more angry! I don't openly judge them for putting their kids into full time day care so couldn't I get the same courtesy back?

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virginiasmonalogue · 20/06/2011 08:41

Agreed. Ivan also a sahm who gave up my career but I haven't experienced such narrow mindedness. Do you think they feel a bit jealous that you get to spend so much time with your children? Maybe they make these comments to make themselves feel better.

OddBoots · 20/06/2011 08:45

Don't engage, just brush comments off with something neutral like 'well, we all do what we think is best for our children' and 'We're all different, aren't we?' then smile sweetly and change the subject. How we bring up our children is such an emotive thing it is bound to get heckles up when other people do different things.

Al0uiseG · 20/06/2011 08:45

How horrible for you, I think, in time, you will meet other sahm and you may even drift away from your "friends". There may be a certain amount of jealousy on their behalf which is why you're getting snide comments.

I've been a sahm for 15 years for various reasons, I also put my children into nursery for a couple of mornings a week at 2 and a half. They didn't wholeheartedly enjoy it but I wanted to give them a little preparation for school.

Wrt what to Say to your friends, I'd wait for the next cutting remark and give it to them with both barrels, if they cannot respect your decision in the way you respect theirs then they really aren't your friends.

For me going back to work wasn't an option, I would have been a mess leaving my babies. I also had two very close together and it wouldn't have been at all practical to return to my job. I don't understand why women are suddenly demonised for carrying out a rather important function.

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SybilBeddows · 20/06/2011 08:48

I've been on both sides of the fence and you will get criticised by someone whatever you do. As WOHMs they will be getting their fair share of shit too. The only thing is to rise above it.

The best way to respond to such comments is to move the conversation up a level so you are talking about criticising different kinds of childcare and how daft it is, rather than getting sucked into discussing the actual criticism, whilst sympathising with the way they get criticised too.

eg Them: 'Aren't you worried about his socialisation skills?'
You: 'It's funny isn't it, no matter what you do someone comes up with some research saying you're damaging your children, like that Oliver James going on about how working mums are giving their kids issues by putting them in nursery. It's all mad isn't it?! ha ha!'

failing that, get some new friends, because if you are made to feel shit by them taking out their issues on you, you really don't need to be.

freshprincess · 20/06/2011 09:14

The grass isn't any greener for us working mums. Read any thread about childminding or nursery and at some point someone will say 'what's the point of having kids if you let someone else bring them up' It's a difficult decision for all of us.

If you're happy with your decision then ignore. And avoid people who think that the only way to raise children is their way.

Octaviapink · 20/06/2011 12:13

I expect they're probably feeling guilty about the fact that they're not staying at home themselves. The comment about toy-sharing is particularly rubbish, as none of the toys at nursery 'belong' to the children, so they are shared. I've never made my children share their toys if they don't want to - I don't share my stuff if I don't want to and I don't see why they should have to.

monkoray · 20/06/2011 12:52

hmmm they don't sound like very good friends. Touch of the green eyed monster? I really admire sahm's. I work 3 days a week which gives my back a chance to recover and means I only need to be creative 2 days a week.
OP ignore the meanie's.

Original poster

wssejh · 20/06/2011 13:17

Thanks for all the sound advice, its nice to know there are people out there thinking along the same lines as me. I'll bite my tongue and rise above it... and maybe find some new friends!

OP posts:

cottonreels · 20/06/2011 13:20

Im a sahm and all I seem to get is 'what about your career, when are you going back, what are you going to do about work....'
I find it difficult to answer in a short sound bite because the shortest answer 'I think its what is best for my dd' is too rude. I'm not joking when I say I sometimes have to defend my position a couple of times A DAY! Just wish I could find a flippant response that doesnt hurt others feelings...
Sometimes I say 'I just want to enjoy every minute' but its difficult when shes in the middle of tantrumming and Im looking a bit disheveled and flustered!!!
My symapthathies.

ProfYaffle · 20/06/2011 13:21

Definitely find some new friends. I've been a sahm for 6 years now and have never come across criticism irl - mn is a different matter though

emoo777 · 20/06/2011 18:35

Well I work 5 days a week and am guessing a lot of people who take their children to nursery do feel a bit guilty, and this might be at the root of a lot of these comments. I had no choice to work part time but think nursery has been good for my little girl, but don't think the 4 days she does is necessary for the benefit! Having said that I am about to leave my job as the 5 days is way too much. I guess my view on it is that there is no right or wrong way and one chooses what one thinks is right for one's own children. Some days I pick my girl up from nursery and she has done loads of great activities she would never do at home and I am so pleased she goes. Other days she has not been on good form and I feel awful that I have not been able to give her the one to one attention she deserves. Its swings and roundabout really but we as mums know its hard whether you are at home all of the time, at work 5 days, or do something in between so we should all give each other a break!

Orangeflower7 · 20/06/2011 20:18

I sometimes get this too, however I used to work in a nursery before having the dcs and remember how sad i felt for the little ones who were there a lot and remember how i could have gone back to work there...but didn't as i wanted it to be different for my own children. Just remind yourself of the good things you're doing and don't let the comments get you down. I don't think all nursery is bad though, have just started ds (2.5) at a small uncommercial nursery where they care about more than money and how many children they can fit in one f=room, where the staff are not always changing and seem valued..sounds like the mums are just trying to validate what they are doing by boosting it up, smacking of insecurity tbh.

Anniernewmum · 07/07/2012 21:51

I've been back at work (after having my ds) for 9 months but finish to be a sahm in 2 weeks. Have had lots of criticism already especially from my mother in law who told my dh I would be a 'lady of leisure!!!!'I know I'm making the right decision for my family but it's hard when people u saw as friends make u feel bad about yourself with thoughtless comments. Don't let them get you down!

princelypurpleparrot · 07/07/2012 21:57

Just brush it off. It works both ways, as others have said. My SIL (no children) got all on me the other day when I said I'd be going back to work at the end of mat leave (just had my second DC). "But wouldn't rather be at home with the DC's?", then a sad face when I say no, part time work is what suits me.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/07/2012 22:35

So no one is recommending the Mumsnet standard response of "fuck off to the far end of fuck off land and when you get there fuck off some more" ?

I am still waiting for someone to be rude about my parenting choices so I can say it...

Viviennemary · 07/07/2012 22:38

I would just ignore it. If you want to be a SAHM you don't have to justify to anybody. Mums who do a demanding job outside the home with long hours come in for a lot of criticism as well.

Jemma1111 · 07/07/2012 23:00

Imagine yourself as an elderly lady looking back on her life , do you think you'd wish you had spent more time at work or Spent more time seeing your children grow ?

Basically, don't feel guilty for being at home !

littlebluechair · 07/07/2012 23:46

I get this too. I used to have a very consuming career, but I was quite happy to swap to being a sahm. Some of my friends seem incapable of believing I'm happy. If they really get on my nerves I ask them why they are so worried about my choices.

I have pretty much dumped one friend who was beyond rude about me (not using my brain enough now apparently) but mostly I ignore.

NeedlesCuties · 08/07/2012 07:52

Your friends DC is at nursery, so she has no idea if he/she is sharing toys or snatching toys off others as she isn't there to observe.

All young children are egotistical and possessive, no matter where they are, in nursery or at home. It's part of their psychological development.

Tell your friend to mind her own business and you and your DC are happy and fine thanks all the same.

ohforfoxsake · 08/07/2012 08:05

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. If they are making comments like that they are probably feeling guilty about leaving their own children in day care, whether they have to go to work or (and it racks up more guilt IMHO) if they choose to. I met someone the other day who felt she immediately had to justify her decision to work (I'd only asked how her children were) because she wanted to go back to work.

These comments may be about envy, or may be about coming to terms with their own maternal guilt, but have nothing to do with your decision to be a SAHM I'm sure.

I've been a SAHM for 10 years now. The youngest has just started full time school. I get the odd pang of 'I need a job' but it passes.

AThingInYourLife · 08/07/2012 08:31

LOL @ a 19 month old sharing toys :o

I've never experienced any judgements for going back to work FT when my first two were babies. Or maybe I just chose not to hear it because I'm not interested.

People's fixation on babies' experiences are baffling to me.

MULLYPEEP · 08/07/2012 08:44

The only person I get this from in real life is a mumsnetter . It shocks me what shitty things people are happy to spout about other peoples children and how they raise them in general. Just ignore.

poppyboo · 08/07/2012 11:07

The comments get worse if you're a stay home mum with both children in school!

Almostfifty · 08/07/2012 13:14

Or like me poppyboo with only one left at school!

I tell them it's what we want and I'm not exactly sitting on my backside at home doing nowt.

I've often felt like saying the fuck off bit, but haven't yet!

lovechoc · 08/07/2012 14:23

Sounds like 'green cheese'..... I'm a SAHM and gave up a good career but I do not have any regrets about it. I will return when I feel the time is right.

You may want to change your circle of friends, OP!

Each to their own.

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