Stay at home mum - dealing with the criticisms

[wssejh]

Hi, I have decided to be a stay at home mum and ever since i've been batting off the criticisms. I put up with comments such as "children who don't go to nursery don't know how to share their toys" (as my 19 month old snatches a toy from her son) and "did you ever think about how your DD's socialisation skills are being impacted". Now I thought I was doing the right thing staying at home, I've given up my career (for now) and this was not an easy decision, but I never thought that some of my friends who have returned to work would be so judgemental. I take my DD to playgroups, music and dance classes and it's blimin hard work being a full time mum, but how do I cope with these comments which are increasingly making me more and more angry! I don't openly judge them for putting their kids into full time day care so couldn't I get the same courtesy back?

Your life, your choices, and everyone else can just butt out. We all know a woman's place is in the wrong - if you choose to be a SAHM you are a lady of leisure sponging off your partner's earnings, if you work you are a cold-hearted career bitch who's only in it to fund the iPads and the foreign holidays.

I'm in favour of all of us doing what's right for our families and donating the judgeypants to the clothes recycling.

(WOHM here BTW)

I can't imagine a friend coming out with something like that to your face. I notice you say 'I don't openly judge...'. Perhaps you aren't being as covert as you think with your judging and she was feeling a bit defensive?

Yeh, and fuck off to those folk who say (smiling)so ,what is it you actually dooo?, I mean with your time. I am tempted to say I sit at home and play the hairy banjo, but haven't quite plucked up the courage. It get worse when your kids are all at school, so enjoy it.

Good point Wem,

"I don't openly judge them for putting their kids into full time day care"

So you do judge them then? Sounds like a bit of reaping what you sow, to me.

I'm another one who has never come across this in real life. I work 3 days a week and have friends who do every possible arrangement - full time SAHMs, full time working mums, part time mums. I've genuinely never heard anyone criticising anyone else - yes I hear practical discussions about eg what someone's going to do about childcare in the holidays but never any judginess.

Are you sure you don't do any judging yourself? Someone above has already unintentionally our something that I am overly sensitive about (the bit about how they just couldn't bear to leave their children, so working wasn't an option. I always take that far too much as implying if only I loved my kids a bit more, I wouldn't be leaving them either). This has been quite a nice thread and know that wasn't the motive behind the comment above. But do you think maybe you say something you feel is similarly inoffensive that gets people riled?

I have been a SAHM for 13 years and love it. I worked f/t with DD1 but felt I missed out and less close to DC. Ignore the criticisms. They stem from either ignorance, jealousy or (in some cases on MN) extreme misguided feminism where they want all mothers in work for either gender equality ( I think we can be equal even within different roles) or so that they don't have to doubt their choice (because if all kids were in f/t daycare they wouldn't feel they had to second guess their choice and if they are wrong they want everyone to be wrong). I am talking about those WOHM that criticse here and not generally WOHM. Hold your head up high, if you want to SAH then you are doing the right thing. You won't regret time with your kids (I haven't-it has been the best time of my life) and after a while you see through society and its general material competitiveness and see that what matters is time.

I don't feel remotely jealous of SAHMs. Or guilty. You'll wind them up further if you think they're acting from an Aching Pit of Guilt and Jealousy.

I am a sahm and proud of it!

I do think children need to socialise and mine go to nursery three mornings we week. The allows me to cook, do the housework, washing and to have a bit of a break. You are taking your children to classes and so long as you're enjoying it, I would ignore your friends.

I am the only sahm in my circle of friends and not one of them would dare to criticise my choice. My eldest startsvReception in September, it goes so fast, enjoy your children and get new friends.