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Parenting

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Original poster

bad mother, bad wife

34 replies

sansouci · 16/11/2005 07:48

Not a good morning at all. Sansouci is a misnomer or maybe a sad joke.

Last night, I tried to help my 5 yr old dd with her homework. I lost my patience, shouted at her. My h came storming down the stairs, shouting "you're a rotten teacher! what are you doing?!" Poor dd is having trouble putting more than 2 letters together to sound out a word. Pi, po, pa, pu, etc. fine but add anything more & she's lost. Her teacher says she's falling behind & it's up to me to do something about it. I'm a teacher, yes, but not trained to teach children. Especially not my own.

I loathe my h today. he bullies me. He expects perfection. Cleaning, washing, ironing, caring for dd & ds (terrible two & there has never been a more terrilbe), shopping, cooking & the rest of the usual housewife stuff. Which would be okay if I didn't feel so depressed. I wish I was working out in the world. But I think I'd be pretty rotten at that, too. At the moment. Mothering & housewifing is a thankless task.

Sorry about this whinging. I feel terrible & need to talk. Depressed, I guess.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

katymac · 16/11/2005 07:50

Say you have a mental block and ask to do the homework thing.....or even say as he is so much better at it than you, why doesn't he have a go as dd will benefit from his expertise

I've got one of hose at home too

katymac · 16/11/2005 07:50

sorry "ask him to do the homework thing" I meant

Original poster

sansouci · 16/11/2005 07:54

He's never once sat down with her to do homework, Katymac. I'm supposed to do that because I don't go out to work. H gets to come home & bore me to tears with stories of how this colleague or that colleague is a prat, etc.

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Original poster

sansouci · 16/11/2005 08:04

please talk to me. i ma truly feeling bad.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 16/11/2005 08:10

Gosh, sounds grim and don't know what to suggest for an overall solution. But, on a practical level, would it be better to try to help dd earlier in the day when you're both not tired and (likely to be) emotional? She might be able to concentrate better, you might be more patient? I know dd gets very silly at night, so attempting anything serious is no good and a sure recipe for disaster....

colette · 16/11/2005 08:10

Sansouci , sounds like you really need a break from them . I feel like that as well lately , 2yr olds can be exhausting. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate them when you are with them all the time.
Can you tell him how you feel and you need some help and a change of scene.. I sometimes think when I am doing homework with dd that she would listen to anyone else better than me and she just switchs off. Good luck

Tickle · 16/11/2005 08:11

Totally agree with katymac - he should not be criticising you when he's not prepared to put a bit of energy into it. It may be perceived to be "your job" to take care of house & kids - but that doesn't mean he gets out of parenting... especially a bit that you are finding tough.

So sorry you are feeling rough - it does feel thankless sometimes. When I get to the end of the day & feel rough - I just look at the kids asleep in bed, and think: 'I made you - and looked after you, loved you and kept you safe - again!' It's a huge achievement, that you do every day. Thank yourself, and give yourself a treat. You deserve it

Twiglett · 16/11/2005 08:13

poor you

You need a break I think .. a whole day off .. would that be possible?

You need to speak to the teacher .. that is an appalling thing to be told .. if your chld is falling behind, which in itself sounds suspicious, then the teacher should be working with her and giving you some clues on how to support that work at home .. I would be furious at that

Your DH is being an arse .. they do that sometimes .. just because he goes out to work does not mean that when he's at home he gets to do nothing .. he needs a big kick up the bum .. I am willing to lend you my foot

hold on .. it will get better

Original poster

sansouci · 16/11/2005 08:14

thank you all. do you think dd has a "learning disability" or is it a bad patch?

OP posts:

Twiglett · 16/11/2005 08:14

Is your DD in reception?

Twiglett · 16/11/2005 08:16

I once read that by the age of 7 or 8 children's reading and writing skills equalise and it makes absolutely no difference how early they learnt they do it

remember that in Switzerland children don't start school until they're 7 anyway

NO .. your child most probably does not have learning difficulties .. I think her teacher has teaching difficulties though .. and would be fuming (I know I'm repeating myself)

Twiglett · 16/11/2005 08:16

I once read that by the age of 7 or 8 children's reading and writing skills equalise and it makes absolutely no difference how early they learnt they do it

remember that in Switzerland children don't start school until they're 7 anyway

NO .. your child most probably does not have learning difficulties .. I think her teacher has teaching difficulties though .. and would be fuming (I know I'm repeating myself)

katymac · 16/11/2005 08:19

Sorry Sansouci (I'm doing Breakfast for 6 under 2's a 7yo and DH & me)

Tell him he will do it better than you and it's quality time with DD and the teacher has asked her dad to get more involved

Original poster

sansouci · 16/11/2005 08:22

I am fuming. I've arranged a meeting between teacher, headmistress, h and myself on friday. I'm afraid I won't be able to contain my disgust with dd's teacher, tho.

This is a private school btw, with 21 kids in each class. (I think this is too many for a private school but maybe I'm being unrealistic). French speaking but there is another English child in dd's class. He seems to be doing v. well.

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Tickle · 16/11/2005 08:22

I'm sure she is absolutely fine... my dd is bright & lovely but just wasn't interested in reading at 5 in english school - getting her to sit down & concentrate was a nightmare. We have moved to Denmark & as Twiglett says, they don't prioritise early learning here... so no pressure. She's nearly 7 & doing similar reading to your dd. Now loving it - they are all different.

When she comes home from school today, maybe you could explain that mummy was a bit tired yesterday & that's why you got a bit cross... but you're feeling better today. Get some nice buns or something & share them with the kids before dh gets home

Oh, and agree the teacher should be helping you to help her.

ggglimpopo · 16/11/2005 08:24

Message withdrawn

GeorginaA · 16/11/2005 08:25

You're not a bad mother or a bad wife, but you already know that I'm sure

As for the sounding out words, my ds1 has come on in leaps and bounds with this book (Teach Your Child to Read by Engelman) - I bought the book ages ago in a fit of enthusiasm (and a recommendation on here) but ds1 was unimpressed. Then all of a sudden he started demanding "the book that's teaching me to read" at bedtimes and he's got to chapter 32 now without any pressure or insistence from me. He's loving it and thinks it's fab that he's reading short "stories" (of about 3 sentences).

It's really well set out, with the parent's bit completely scripted, so you don't have to worry if you're teaching them "wrong". It is phonics based but maybe slightly different from the order and way they would learn at school (which if she's struggling, might be a good thing, no?). I've been really impressed with how quickly ds1 has got his confidence up, it's really magical seeing them realise they can decode a simple word for the first time.

Might that help?

CarolinaMoon · 16/11/2005 08:25

you poor thing .

Have you tried explaining to your h how he makes you feel? Looking after 2 kids is a full-time job in itself - if you were paying a nanny to do it, she wouldn't do the housework as well. He should try it himself and see how much ironing he can get done.

Why is it up to you to teach your child? Isn't that why she's at school? at your dd's teacher - can you have a word with her too and explain that, actually, it's up to her to do something about it, seeing as that's her job.

CarolinaMoon · 16/11/2005 08:28

x-posts, sansouci. That's particularly crap if it's a private school.

Do you speak French at home or just English?

Tickle · 16/11/2005 08:29

Some great advice here... Got to go now & clean up the house - katymac it looks like we had your mammoth breakfast in here! - but I'll keep popping back Keep you chin up Sansouci

Original poster

sansouci · 16/11/2005 08:30

I think it would be easier for us all if dd could learn to read in english first. This is what we speak at home. but now dd has learnt all her letters & their sounds in french, i don't want to confuse her even more. damn & blast.

OP posts:

GeorginaA · 16/11/2005 08:34

Ah sansouci - missed the bit where you said you were in a french school.

Although, saying that. I'm not sure you would confuse her necessarily. A son of a good friend of mine (American, had her child in england, then moved to Belgium and now lives in Spain) moved schools so often that he was starting to learn to read from scratch with a different scheme each time. He was very confused and my friend would learn the new system each time and try to teach him using that method. She said the one thing she wished she'd done now was ignored completely what the schools were doing, picked her own method and stuck with that at home so he had some consistency somewhere. (He's now 8 and a good reader, btw!)

Original poster

sansouci · 16/11/2005 08:40

Again, thanks all for your help. Not feeling quite so desperate now but pretty blue nevertheless. Am going to check out other schools in our area & see what the average class size is. I know it's much higher in what we call public schools over here.

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Tickle · 16/11/2005 08:42

Is dh french? I only ask cos my dd is now of course learning danish, and there are extra letters in the alphabet here that I can't pronounce, so dh (dane) helps with reading. The kids try to help me with my danish Your dd will be handling the language differences better than you think - it's no biggie to them, apparently.

I have decided to give english reading a miss til she is confident with all her letters and forming words.

Lizzylou · 16/11/2005 09:00

Sansouci, agree with other posters that the school should be doing more to help your daughter, part if it is private.
It is no wonder that you feel so low if you are being criticised constantly and I think you need to point that out to your DH, he is not exactly boosting your confidence levels is he? You need support and kindness, not sniping and bitching.
You are not a bad wife and mother, just a good one who is trying her best and is in need of a little TLC.

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