bad mother, bad wife

[sansouci]

Not a good morning at all. Sansouci is a misnomer or maybe a sad joke.

Last night, I tried to help my 5 yr old dd with her homework. I lost my patience, shouted at her. My h came storming down the stairs, shouting "you're a rotten teacher! what are you doing?!" Poor dd is having trouble putting more than 2 letters together to sound out a word. Pi, po, pa, pu, etc. fine but add anything more & she's lost. Her teacher says she's falling behind & it's up to me to do something about it. I'm a teacher, yes, but not trained to teach children. Especially not my own.

I loathe my h today. he bullies me. He expects perfection. Cleaning, washing, ironing, caring for dd & ds (terrible two & there has never been a more terrilbe), shopping, cooking & the rest of the usual housewife stuff. Which would be okay if I didn't feel so depressed. I wish I was working out in the world. But I think I'd be pretty rotten at that, too. At the moment. Mothering & housewifing is a thankless task.

Sorry about this whinging. I feel terrible & need to talk. Depressed, I guess.

Thoughts to you sanssouci xxx

You are doing well, keep going. I have to tell myself this as well. Could tell you teacher that you're taking a teaching break & will let your 5yr old just be with the letters & sound. It will come together. Give the sound in english as well as this can help! My kids are bilingual & I have aways done a compare approach to language. My accent is terrible but I say this is the sound of an r in english & then in our other language. This worked for us xxxx

Mme, sounds to me like you had a day/few days of feeling quite crushed by everything. I know lots of people have offered some useful advice on the practicalities of the homework thing, but I don?t think the absolute division of labour in your house is helping. I feel sad for you when you say your husband bullies you and expects perfection. Rearing children and housework seems to be all your job. But the problem with this is that it?s a bit thankless if your partner isn?t supportive. You sound like a lovely woman who is conscientious and fab at being a mum. Might you have managed to convince yourself you are not, because your partner is not helping with your self esteem and you are a bit overwhelmed at mo??
In the paid work place when we achieve something we get a sense of satisfaction because our boss tells us the task is complete/or we visibly see the results ie there is an exterior reward. But your kids aren?t going to turn around and praise you are they?! And it doesn?t sound like your hubby is either. I think that a partner who doesn?t do any full time childcare rarely sees how demanding it is, how relentless it can sometimes be. And what a great job you are doing.

Would it help to set aside a quiet calm time to explain how it makes you feel sometimes and see if he can offer suggestions as to how to help? Is there anyway of getting your husband to do your ?job? for a few days, so that he gets an insight into how hard it can be to be on call, how emotionally draining this can be? Maybe this might help him have a bit more empathy. You mentioned working, what about something part time, or even half a day volunteering or something. Sorry, I don?t know how practical this is for you, so excuse if all this is impossible.
You sound like a lovely person, so I hope you find a better solution soon xxxxx

Sansouci, keep going. Lots of people have said it all really but I do feel the difficulties you mention with homework etc, are not really the key. They key is your husband's attitude.

Can you make time for you as a couple to talk about life in general? Bringing up children is harder, more tiring, more draining, than pretty much ANY job. My husband has always put his hands up and told people that he has the easy job. I don't say that to make you feel "shut up about your husband" but to show that not all men have the frankly 1950's attitude your husband does! In our house we share all housework (admittedly after nagging/prompting from me) but my husband fully accepts we do it together.

If changing him is just not going to happen then I do think working part-time (if poss, though I understand it may not be) could be an idea, though it does add another layer of responsibility to your life. However on days that you work, you and your husband are even stevens - why shouldn't he do cooking / housework / homework of an evening if you have to come home from work to do it?? I guess it's showing him in a practical way that you could be more equal.

Good luck - sending you lots of good thoughts. x

So pleased to see that some of you have actually taken the time to think and write about my sorry state! Thank you. It certainly helps to have some support.

Tomorrow dh & I have a meeting with the headmistress & dd's teacher. I'll try my best not to get the teacher's back up but I don't believe she has dd's best interests at heart. Dd is an overly-sensitive little soul (like her mother ) & I don't want her to be discouraged.

In defense of (d)h, he does have a very stressful job. And he's very "old school" English (sent off to public school at the tender age of 7). Giving praise & sympathy are not his "thing". Stiff upper lips all round, IYSWIM.

I have decided to actively look for some part-time work. I definitely need to get out more!

sansouci - is your dd in the CP?
my son is doing CP this year, and he can recognise most of the syllables, though he still gets some wrong. He can rearrange the words to make "Mika est l'ami de la classe", but this is word recognition really. He is only just starting to get his head around words like "pipe"

Ds1, who is CE1, is reading phonetically, but still slowly.
DD1, CM1, was the same, she was reading fast by about half way through CE1.

It sounds to me as though your dd is pretty normal. the whole CP stuff was new to me when dd1 did it, so I was a bit inept at helping her. There is another girl in the class, whose mother is a CP teacher, and she was storming ahead of course!

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I must admit, I was a bit taken aback when I first saw it, as it launches straight in with quite long words. Still dont see how the children can make much sense of it. They love it though, and read off "Pi-que le he-rrrrri-sson!" with enormous pride.

Dd started out with a system called "La Planète des Alphas" which was developed by a Swiss woman a couple of years ago. It's had quite a bit of success. however, for some reason only known to herself, dd's teacher abruptly switched to ordinary letters after the half-term break. Dd 'lost the plot' around that time.

When we met with the headmistress & dd's teacher yesterday, I told them that after a 7 hour day at school, a 5 yr old could scarcely be expected to come home & do homework. She's exhausted & so, quite frankly, am I. The compromise: Dd will be doing extra reading lessons once a week at the school until Xmas. Poor little thing! I wish they would allow the children to work at their own speed instead of hothousing them at this tender age. Grrrr!

((Sansouci)) my 3 year old neice is at a French school here in London, and the pressure seems enormous to me. Remember the same when my sister was at a lycee a million years ago. Homework at 4, full days at 3, ack... Not that there aren't pressures in the British education system of a different sort (aka DH and his upper lip)...

Hope things start to feel easier, and that you find a p/t job that lifts your spirits. And good for you for holding firm on the homework front!

xxElibean