I didn't post here for sympathy or 'there, there, poor you' I asked for advice which I was given. I acknowledged my shortcomings, listened to viewpoints and gave myself a good talking to. I spoke to DP and we have agreed how we deal with parenting in the future.
So far so good.
But then ....
Harsh words I can take on the chin - they were needed and put my focus back on who was important.
But its very difficult to read flipancy into a load of words on a screen. If the post referring to electra complex had been meant to be helpful, it would have explained what the complex is, and how it might apply in my situation.
But, I'm afraid I now have to confess my utter stupidity in not ever having heard of Electra Complex. Hence my instant reaction was to google. Wouldn't any other idiot like me have done the same? What I read caused me to be confused, alarmed and out of my depth in an area I have no knowledge nor understanding.
FrozenNorthPole - thank you. The book sounds very interesting and worth a look at. I love the way you play with your DD and can see how similar activities could work for me and my DD. as you say, I'm trying to connect with my daughter in a loving way.
Mathanxiety - I now realise it was meant flippantly, I appreciate your apology. But I didn't know that this morning. And you have now made me feel even more of a numpty because, while it may be fairly common knowledge that such a 'complex' has been defined and written about, I'm obviously not quite so intelligent as the norm. Thanks very much but I now feel as though everyone here must have had a superior education to me and I missed out on something vital that everyone else knows about.
AgainWhen - because I was asking for help, not seeking diagnosis with a controversial complex. My aparantly intellectual inferiority means that I have never heard of it, so googled it and my silly little mind misinterpreted it as a negative reflection on my daughter. Thats why it hurt.
Perhaps posts asking for help shouldn't be the place for flippant references to controversial areas? At the very least without further explanation or a relevant smiley? 
exoticfruits - Yes, I think I've got the message from other posters. I am the adult. I've realised my mistakes and am trying to readjust my attitude.
Up until this morning, I was full of optimism that I could (and will) tackle this. then I read mathanxiety's post and I was back to square one again. I felt inferior, I felt as though the poster thought mabe there was something wrong with my DD (or me, which would worry me less), I know feel as though MN is only for those with the benefit of a marvellously well rounded education. I did not have such an advantage and have achieved all I have despite this.
I have always been proud of being worldly wise and can hold my own in most conversations. Now I feel like an ignorant fool.
BTW - isn't it funny how another, very well know MNer posted recently about a comment her DC had made that upset the poster. The replies were all supportive and friendly. Those that told the poster to 'get a grip' did so in an obviously jovial way, which could not have been misinterpreted. Just because I've namechanged for this post, why should I get a different tone of response?
This has been on my mind all day. Not so much the complex, just the thought that by asking for advice, I received posts that had no intention of being constructive or helpful. I had thought mums might be a bit more supportive of one another, particularly where depression and PND had been mentioned. When I first posted I was teetering on the edge of falling into the pit that is depression. Well, today I've fallen.