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Feeling a bit guilty - DS1 (5) gone to bed without ANY dinner......

36 replies

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 20:14

but I had to follow through.

I'll try and keep this short - I've been writing some rather long posts recently .

For about 2 weeks DS1 (who was 5 in September) has been wetting himself, once a day, and all but one times at home (the other at school). I've checked with him that it's not sore when he wees, and everything looks ok 'down there'. So on Tuesday I decided enough was enough, said that if he wee-ed in his pants again before the weekend he couldn't play on the Playstation with DH. He only gets on for a total of 4hrs (2 each day) a week, and only at the weekend.

Yesterday went really well - all be it at the very last minute, he did actually go to the toilet.

Today, just as I asked him to sit down and have his dinner at 7pm I asked him if he needed to do a wee. He suddenly went very quiet, so I asked if he'd wet himself - he admitted he had (and when I looked I could see a MASSIVE wet patcho n the carpet) and I told him there's be no playstation at the weekend.

Cue major tantrum, got off his chair, pushed it in and declared he didn't want his dinner, amid screams and loud protests.

Sent him off to the naughty step (in the bathroom - it's downstairs) where he proceeded to scream and shout at me, like 5yr olds who've just started school tend to do . Warned him on several occasions to calm down and stop shouting or he'd get a smack, and he decided to ignore me, and got louder and there was even mORE back-chatting - so he got a smack (don't feel guilty about that ).

Told him if he wanted his dinner, that once he'd stopped crying he could come back to the table and eat. He was still adamant he didn't want it. At 7.10 I told him that if he hadn't come to eat his dinner by the time the big hand had reached the 7 (7.35) I'd throw it in the bin and he'd go to bed hungry. He can't tell the time, but even with roman numerals, or just 'lines' for the numbers he's excellent with knowing where the big hand/little hand is pointing to - and I showed him just to make absolutely certain.

DS2 and I sat and ate our dinner, and every so often I invited him to come and eat his, he was still determined not to come back - despite me warning him it would go into the bin. 7.35 came, and I took it to the kitchen - STILL he said he didn't want it. So I threw it in the bin.

Cue even more protests "It's not fair" "put it back" "I want to eat it" etc etc etc. Thankfully that tantrum only lasted a few minutes, as I calmly explained why I'd done it.

I do feel bad for him going to bed hungry, but I didn't want him to think I wasn't serious when I said it.....I've threatened before - but never carried through with it.

Now I know most of you will say "you should never punish with food" etc etc, but please at least reassure me I was right to carry through with it....

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Loobie · 10/11/2005 20:27

It was right to carry through with it!!!!!!! One thing i really agree with is if you put down the rules and state something is gonna happen the only way to make sure they learn the consequence of their actions is to follow through with the punishment!
He knew the score so he chose to go to bed hungry,i have this with my ds1 who has autism and within that does not grasp cause and consequence at all so its something i battle to overcome all the time!!
Teh only thing i would say is try to make the punishment fit the badness iykwim though dont know what punishment could be used for deliberatly wetting himself.I have frequently thrown my ds2 dinner in the bed and sent him to bed hungry for hiding his food and feeding it to the bucket when my back is turned(he is 7) so i throw the rest out and send him to bed not to eat again till next morning,so dont feel guilty!!

MamaG · 10/11/2005 20:31

Quote Loobie "I have frequently thrown my ds2 dinner in the bed " Well, I think that's a bit harsh

HRH you did the right thing. You gave him plenty of chances and you must carry out warnings - he's not going to starve from missing his dinner once is he? Just give him a big breakfast!

Katemum · 10/11/2005 20:33

Has he been talking to my ds? Am having the same problem here, mine was also 5 in September and started school this time round. His problem seems to be sheer laziness. He enjoys after school club so much that he just cannot be bothered to go to the loo, he would rather be wet.
You were right in carring out any threat you made. My ds likes to have a bit of telly and something sweet to wind down after school. He now knows not to even bother asking if he comes home with wet pants.
If you find a magic cure let me know.

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HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 20:33

lol - love that quote mama

Thanks you two. It just felt really mean

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fimac1 · 10/11/2005 20:34

Just to play devils advocate here - is he is just 5, has he just started school? My ds has more accidents when he is very tired - how about moving bedtime forward, or do you think there is something else going on - do they let them go freely at school? I expect they do if he is in Reception, worth checking about toileting rules with his teacher and how he is at school...

flamesparrow · 10/11/2005 20:37

I'm not at the right age yet, but I am sat here laughing far too much at Loobie's dinner in the bed

Caligula · 10/11/2005 20:45

Don't feel guilty. It won't hurt him for one night, and you've got to follow through.

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 21:23

fimac - yes he started school in September. He's not tired - well he was last half term, but this half term he's adjusted really well with it.

He's only had one accident at school - that was at lunchtime - because (as per at home) he sat down to eat his food before doing a wee and realised too late.

I spoke to his teacher last week (after his school accident) and she assured me that he always asks to go to the toilet when he needs to go - although she also noted that he waits until the very last minute.

This weeing at home though is going back to what it was like 6 months ago or so.

I can't really move bedtime forward, DS2 and he share a room and they both go to bed at 8 - DS1 waking up about 6.30ish(?) - he's always up and dressed long before us, and DS2 often awake at 7.30

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Gobbledigook · 10/11/2005 21:34

I've done this plenty of times QOQ - and actually now I think about it, I've not done it in a while so must have worked!

Incidentally - I'm getting a frightening amount of screaming, shouting, lashing out and back chat from ds1 - he's just started reception too. Do you think they are still adjusting and that's why? I'm starting to worry a bit that he's changed permanently and I'm a bit lost for how to handle it (so far it's been naughty step and removal of treats - which I've followed through with).

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 21:40

Gobblie - I started a thread last half term saying how AWFUL DS1 had become, but he's settled down a LOT since then, then this wetting himself at home has started, thankfully these 'outburts' are few and far between these days.

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monstersmummy · 10/11/2005 21:45

can u move the naughty step?
Why is it in the bathroom?

do u think he could associate being in the bathroom as being naughty?

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 21:49

the naughty step has always been in the bathroom - as it's a downstairs one - with a step going into it. TBH he hardly uses it these days, but both boys have the same naughty step - and putting DS2 on the bottom of the stairs is a recipe for disaster - as the stairgate is over the living room door, not on the bottom of the stairs (oh and DS2 tried to escape out the front door once when we tried him there )

He's quite happy to go into the bathroom, loves going and getting changed in there - says he's "a big boy getting dresse in the bathroom like daddy", 99.99% of the time merrily skips off to do a wee (poos we still have to remind him to do one every other day), loves baths/showers, brushing his teeth etc etc. It's just that ONE time a day he's decided he can't be bothered going - and it's happened at the weekend too - so it's not that he's tired after school.

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GeorginaA · 10/11/2005 21:52

You did the right thing QoQ - I did something very similar a week or two again with my ds1 (similar age). Worse, he didn't even seem that bothered about losing his dinner - so I couldn't even feel that at the end of it a lesson was learned

monstersmummy · 10/11/2005 21:52

oh right i understand now.

is it the same time every day he misses? or just b4 a certain activity?
if so u could ask him just b4 it gets to that point.

Other than that i have no advise so am shutting up lol

batters · 10/11/2005 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 22:15

batters - the punishment for continuing to deliberately wet himself was not playing on the playstation at the weekend.

The having no dinner punishment was for the mother of all tantrums and back chatting when I told him (he'd already been told previously that if he did it again on purpose before the weekend then he'd not get the playstation).

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batters · 10/11/2005 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 22:22

phew

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edam · 10/11/2005 22:24

Are you certain he is wetting himself deliberately? Worth a trip to the docs, I would have thought, so you can make sure there isn't an actual reason before you start punishing him.

Not disputing the going to bed without dinner, that was a different issue (albeit related).

edam · 10/11/2005 22:26

Have you talked to him about wetting himself and asked him if he knows why he's doing it?

laligo · 10/11/2005 22:29

sorry i don't agree with everyonr on here and i don't have a 5-year-old but... i am sorry for your ds. wetting is a sign of stress and I'm sure it would be better to be kind and get to the root cause, even if it appears deliberate. as for sending him to bed without food - yes i think that is wrong. but then i also think smacking is wrong. sorry but this thread makes me feel a bit sad...

HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 22:30

edam - I'm certain it's deliberate....it's only once a day - apart from the one accident at school, they've all been at home.

And if it's an accident he howls like a baby and if you ask him he sobs in your arms and shows you the wet patch on the floor (none of these recent incidents have been like that - we had one just before holidays at dinner time when he needed to go in the middle of grace "for what we are about to recieve.....................WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

, when he's just not been bothered to go to the toilet he doesn't say a word it - and we're left to find out by the smell or sitting on the wet patch

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HRHQoQ · 10/11/2005 22:32

oh and last week he didn't realise I'd come downstairs and I heard him giggling, then a "shhh don't tell mummy - the floors all wet because I wee-ed on it" !

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edam · 10/11/2005 22:36

Take your point but if I were in your shoes, I'd still take him to the doc, just in case there is a reason. I still vividly remember being put over my father's knee for wetting myself (when I was about your son's age) and it was terrible - I felt so humilated and distressed because it wasn't something I'd done deliberately, it had just happened as far as I knew. Actually thinking back I'd been too busy playing to go and had forgotten I needed to, so it was kind of my fault but it wasn't deliberate or conscious and being punished for it was awful.

edam · 10/11/2005 22:37

Sorry, hadn't seen your last post! Mind you, if you take him to the docs, maybe he'll realise he really ought to stop doing this.