Things I can cross off from my pre-children "Things I would never do as a parent" list

[BellaBearisWideAwake]

1. Dress my children in branded clothing

(with a big shout out to H&M for selling clothes with Lightning McQueen, thank you)

all of the above plus mimicing DS's tantrum to get him to calm down and going out with unbrushed hair, no makeup and wearing (my hubbys) top that DD has sicked up all over...

Where you born in a field?

This is not a hotel?

Who's she, the cats's Mother?

Because I said so.

You're talking to your Mother, not your mates.

Stop showing off.

Have also spat on tisues to wipe face

Also, pre kids I hated the sight of kids with food around their gobs/snotty noses and alays thought my child would never look like that.......

Food swimming in ketchup.
TV.
Mayonnaise sandwich for dinner? Sounds fine to me.
Packages broken open in supermarket to head off meltdowns.
Lots of Nutella.
Licorice for breakfast.
'No way, No, No, No.... ok' and perversely, 'Because I said so!' [shouty] (and let's hope they really don't listen to a word I say....)
'Just go to bed, I'll finish the dratted project (even though you've had it for five weeks and it's due tomorrow).' and double

Have them out of the house after 7pm.

Say: 'Oh for goodness sake, do what you want, just leave me in PEACE!'

licked a wet tissue yesterday and he is watching the Simpsons right now holding a Dr who magazine that cost nearly as much as a copy of Vogue

DS is 3

triple shame

Mine are 4 and 2:

Branded clothes
Pink clothes
Barbie (ick, ick, ick)
TV (sometimes eating in front of it)
Toys that make noise
Squash
Anything with added sugar
Crusty snot round nose/food round mouth
Bath toy net filled with mouldering bath toys
Loads of plastic shit
Magazines with yet more plastic shit on them
Eating in the car
Food that most definitely has not been 'sourced from local markets and lovingly hand cooked by me while wearing a faux retro apron'.
Haribo

God, there's SO much more as well.

Letting baby play with my iPhone
Dummies

We've stopped letting her play with our laptop though, she's changed the display so it's all vertical and we can't work out how to change it back!

Smelt my child's bottom in public to see if they had a dirty nappy.

The shame!

Weissbier - I thought we were the only family daft enough to let our toddler play with the iPhones!
They are amazing on it aren't they?! And like anti social teenagers when using them. :)
Oh, DD's done the PC screen thing lots of times too - it's CTRL + ALT + up to switch it back! (discovered after many, many wasted hours trying to change it back!)

Now I think iPhones are amazing, I can go out for a wonderful peaceful meal anywhere now. The boys would sit and play it quietly for hours. Fantastic invention.

I always thought it was disgusting to see a child weeing in the street and swore I would never let my kids wee anywhere but in a toilet......roll on a bit when I had a potty trained 2 year old and screw it, if he needed a wee there was no way we had time to find a toilet. We quickly joined the weeing in the street gang...

Our milkman delivers Nutella as well as milk.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about this

All of the above, except for shoes for non walkers.

Lock myself in the loo just to get a bit of peace!

ROFL at a child's comic being more expensive than Vogue and nutella delivering milkmen!!

co sleep, babywear. I have turned into such a hippy goddammit. She's only 5 months old. I'll be knitting her underwear from lentils before I know it.

Be anything other than calm at all times (failed majorly!)

TV

I was going to turn into such a tidy, organized person as well. That so happened!!!

Check down back of trousers for extreme skidmarks in public (due to terrible smell, in my defence)
Constant use of wet wipes
Buying expensive clothes and shoes
Keeping sweets in the car...

...it goes on, really

Use TV to get a break
Occasionally serve cake for lunch if we're out and about
Co sleep

I'm sure I've got loads more to go as she's only 23 months. I did have fairly low expectations when I started though.

Dummies
Bum sniffing
CBeebie-sitter
Sleepsuits as daywear

shout

Bark orders like a dog trainer.

Use dummies

use reins

Answer "as long as a piece of string" when my children ask "How long till dinner?"

Say "because I said so"

Ignore whining 'because whining is always because a child has a need'. Yes, well. Somoetimes that need is to be the very centre of attention whilst the child continues to whine. I'll not be meeting that need.

Made four different meals at dinner because they all want something different.

Also let my toddler play on my I phone
Haribos
Non-educational tv
Buy things from shops just to stop ds moaning ( this is always howheels cars, he's not 2 yet so sure I've got more expensive things to come!)

Oh, and guns... they have toy guns