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Original poster

4-year-old's birthday party: Is it okay to say no presents, thanks?

31 replies

Usuwi · 13/05/2011 21:02

We're in the lucky position of being able to host a big summer birthday party - about 20-25 guests. But I hate to think of all those parents spending time and money choosing a present which DD needs like a hole in the head. Is it okay for me to tell them all "no presents please - just bring a nice card"?

Would anyone really be offended?

OP posts:

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nethunsreject · 13/05/2011 21:03

How would your 4yr old feel?

Not saying it is a bad dea, btw. Just wonder what he will make of it.

LawrieMarlow · 13/05/2011 21:09

My DD (5) would be surprised at going to a party where she didn't take a present - she loves wrapping it up and giving it to the birthday child.

I do know what you mean about being overwhelmed with presents though. I have been to a party where the birthday girl's invitations asked for a contribution towards some larger present. That felt a bit odd but ok.

Original poster

Usuwi · 13/05/2011 21:17

My 4yo understands that she already has huge amount of stuff. She's very excited about having all her friends at her party. I think she will remember that last year opening all the presents actually did become a chore, and she didn't even open them at the party because it was too complicated with new friends arriving to greet, games to play, charging around mentalistically to be done. (That was just 6 friends.)

She will have piles of presents from her 20 aunts uncles and grandparents, even if half of them forget, not to mention me and DH.

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Original poster

Usuwi · 13/05/2011 21:21

Yeas I see what you mean about the giving being fun. I was thinking about could I specify a value of below £4 or a type of item, eg only books please, (bit more manageable).

OP posts:

Kormachameleon · 13/05/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMitfordsMaid · 13/05/2011 21:28

If they start becoming a chore to open you could put them in a cupboard for a rainy day. I often did that with christmas presents when my children were younger.

Original poster

Usuwi · 13/05/2011 21:30

Kormachameleon I don't see how it's part of being a child. Most of the kids who are coming won't be able to have such a huge party. They'll have a ten or twelve - or four or two or none limit on their friends. I've just done 30 invites and I reckon most will say yes.

OP posts:

NorthernGobshite · 13/05/2011 21:40

Just have the party and let people bring gifts if they wish. When dd has birthday partys we remind her that if people bring gifts thats very kind, but that she shouldn't expect a gift. It doesn't bother me if people do or don't bring gifts. But I think telling people not to is a bit much.

Gwinkofchocolate · 13/05/2011 21:41

I agree with Korma. Don't upset the apple-cart, give some to charity if you've got too many. Otherwise you risk upsetting your DD and her guests.

LawrieMarlow · 13/05/2011 21:44

I also have never done opening of presents at the party itself. Too much risk of being publicly overwhelmed, the possibility of two people giving the same present, a present being received that the birthday person already has etc.

I generally spend less than £5 on a present anyway :)

Kormachameleon · 13/05/2011 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HansieMom · 14/05/2011 00:11

I noticed at the birthday party for DG 4th birthday, the kids were excited at the present they gave. They were proud of it and were right there when it was opened.

For his age, each child had at least one parent there. Some had two!

He had four guests, as he was four. Plus grandparents, step grandparents, and aunt and uncle, plus the parents of the kids as I mentioned. At another GS 5th party, he had 11 or 12 guests but it was at a soft play place. Parents there too!

Dilligaf81 · 14/05/2011 00:16

30 kids would be the norm around here too (DS managed to get 42 to his) but I think presents are always optional and it would feel like you were making a point by saying no presents.
If your DD has too much, open the gifts then she can give some to the local charity shop or childrens ward. That would teach her a lovely lesson in sharing.

Llanarth · 14/05/2011 08:02

I think however well-motivated your intentions are, you run the risk of coming across as horribly smug - interpreted as we don't want your crappy party tat - and anything else you say (e.g. donation to charity etc) will come across as a bit pious.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 14/05/2011 08:06

Agree with Llanarth. Just suck it up and follow the party 'rules' like the rest of us do then give the crappy presents to charity

Bunbaker · 14/05/2011 08:10

You could put - please don't feel obliged to bring a present. I don't think saying that comes across as smug or pious. When DD was in reception it felt like she was going to a party a week, and I used to struggle to think of presents to buy. Also, the amount of tat she had bought for her was a little OTT.

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 14/05/2011 08:12

I would just put a gentle "don't worry about presents" - that says it's not necessary, so parents won't feel obliged if they can't afford it. But it's subtler than "please don't bring a present" which they may take offence to, because their child might want to choose a gift.

jubilee10 · 14/05/2011 21:00

Ds3 (4) was asked to a "whole class" party recently and the Invitation said "dd doesn't want presents but donations to local charity would be very welcome". I bought a card for the child and put a £10 note inside so they could make up their own mind what they did with it. It seemed a bit strange but I thought it was ok.

Dancergirl · 15/05/2011 10:35

You don't want so many presents then don't invite so many people....

CristinaTheAstonishing · 15/05/2011 10:46

Usuwi - you say you're so lucky because you have the space and can afford such a big party. You think other parents can't afford the presents. Hmm, sounds a bit patronising. I think everybody is resigned to the £5-10 they have to spend on presents.

CordeliaCatkin · 15/05/2011 13:00

My DD had two parties when she was four - one for 20 girls and one for family friends and their dcs. Way over the top and she got a huge amount of presents. We opened them afterwards and there were so many she couldn't keep track of what she had. I hid a fair few of them - most were produced at intervals during the year and a few went in the present drawer for recycling.

MCos · 15/05/2011 20:24

OP - I think it is fine to make this request. We had this request on an invite we received during the year, and I didn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't like to get a whole load more tat to add to our toyroom either!

UniS · 15/05/2011 21:15

You can ask. some parents will take the request at face value and come with no present, some will ignore it and bring a present. Just shuffle any presents off and make no fuss, open them later after the party, issue low key thank you notes.

I made this request for a 5th party , 30 kids attended, about 10 bought presents, mostly small and token, which was fine.

IIRC our wording on invite, was
" please no presents, just come and have fun" and if queried before party I would say something along lines of... "40 kids invited, It could get silly, really don't want to have to do that many thank you notes, BTW we won't be sending party bags home either"

CornishTwinMoominMamma · 15/05/2011 21:26

My eldest set of twins have their birthday two weeks after Christmas and for their fourth birthday we said on the party invitations 'no presents please'. We didn't give out bursting at the seams party bags either - just balloons, slice of cake and a few sweets.

For their fifth birthday however, we forgot to say 'no presents' and as they are both in different classes in their Reception year, we had thirty-odd children turn up at the party with gifts. They'd brought presents for each of my twins, not just the one in their class. So we had silly amounts of stuff and I felt soooo guilty! I just looked at all the toys, knowing that most of them wouldn't get played with, thinking 'oh my gosh all these parents have gone and spent cash on my kids!' and I really wish I'd asked people not to feel obliged to bring presents. I did a rough calculation and figured out that there must have been about £150-£300 worth of stuff (most presents being between £5 and £10) and that money could have been put to some worthy cause.

So in future I will definitely be writing 'no gifts please' on the invitations!

piprabbit · 15/05/2011 21:40

I think that the visiting children would be disappointed not to give presents and parents would be a bit worried about future etiquette for return party invites - so it might be easier to just play down the need for presents but accept any that arrive gracefully.
Donate the excess presents to your local Women's Aid. There are plenty of children who have to leave home suddenly, with very little.

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