4-year-old's birthday party: Is it okay to say no presents, thanks?

[Usuwi]

We're in the lucky position of being able to host a big summer birthday party - about 20-25 guests. But I hate to think of all those parents spending time and money choosing a present which DD needs like a hole in the head. Is it okay for me to tell them all "no presents please - just bring a nice card"?

Would anyone really be offended?

Wow! what a lot of useful replies. I really appreciate it, as i always found gift-giving a minefield. I would never have thought that I was coming across as smug or patronising. First mum I told we were inviting 30 children literally gasped in shock and looked like she was going to cry. I felt so wick, and didn't get a chance to ask why she was so horrified.

Glad to know that others have thought the same way and asked for no gifts. OTOH totally take on board the whole "fun of giving" side of things. Last year I made up really good party bags, and had DD give them out. That makes a fair exchange of presents, right?

I guess it all reflects people's personal values - one person's tat is another's treasure, and there are people who want to change the way we do things and people who don't like to rock the boat. And if someone is offended the question is always was it the action or the reaction that was unreasonable.

I can't believe some one up thread suggests that you invite fewer people instead of ask for no gifts! Surely it's the relationships that are important, not the stuff!

Could you put something in the invites, eg a paper star or flower, for each child to colour in/write on and bring in place of a bought gift. When they arrive your lo can stick them on a big bit of paper together. The kids will be justifiably proud to give something they have made. Afterwards you can roll it up and put it away as a memento.

MFM that's a lovely idea :)

My DD would hate to not take a gift to a party of one of her friends. Even when younger she liked to help chose and wrap a present to take. It would feel very odd to me also - I can't imagine turning up at a party present-less. Just like I can't imagine going for an evening meal at a friends and not taking a bottle of wine or some flowers.

No one round here opens presents at parties, they do it later. But we all do thank you letters afterwards.

MoonFace - no-one is suggesting that you don't invite your child's friends to their party. But these days a whole class party seems to be the norm and often the child only plays with a handful of those children!

Sigh, Dancergirl, DD actually had a list of 50 (honestly) people she wanted to invite, including her teacher, her childminder and about fifteen "big friends" aged between 6 and 16. She is quite a gregarious kid generally, but doesn't have any close friends, which is pretty typical at this age. Round here it's definitely not normal to have the whole class - I think it will be easy enough to say that was okay when you were four but when you are five you will just have seven guests.