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Original poster

HELP! Very curious 7 year old girl :(

31 replies

2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:23

This is embarassing for me to say, and I'm shocked and confused and questioning my ability as a mother.

We went to a friends house (L and R) and my daughter 7 years old, was playing with a boy of 6 in the boys bedroom with my younger son and the 6 yr old boys sister (3yrs)...making sense?

Anyway, me and the mum (R) went out to the shop leaving both dads in the garden chatting away.

My husband said 'the kids are a bit quiet aren't they' and L said 'they're either watching a DVD or kissing', said as a joke.

Then my son came down and said that my daughter and this boy were kissing.

With that, my husband ran up the stairs and caught the boy standing up with his trousers around his ankles and our daughter under the bed cover shuffiling. My husband dragged off the duvet to see our daughter trying to pull up her knickers!

SHOCKED!

Turns out that she wanted to 'do it' and they were kissing with the boy laying on her. LUCKILY when I asked her, she doesn't know exactly what sex is and how it's performed.

We've not shouted at her - although wanting to, believe me! We felt that shouting at her wouldn't solve anything and it might push her away from us if she wanted to ask questions about it in the future.

I've spent years telling her that her body is her temple and that NO ONE see's it.

She's been asking questions about sex already! And I've been as honest as I can but not going into too much detail for a 7 year old!

We've grounded her, I spoken to her about it, I've threatened to tell her grandparents (I was upset when I'd told her that bit).

I felt we needed to talk properly, so we left the friends house, and later on I ran her a nice bubble bath and we both spoke about what had happened.

I ended up crying about it all which led her to realise how upset I was about the whole thing and she started to cry .

I've told her that she shouldn't have sex or try to until she is at least 18 years old and she has to be married etc (I was desperate).

I've told her that if she ever wants to talk about things, then she can ask me, her dad, grandparents or she could ask a teacher who will keep it a secret.

Since that day, all was well, but then she started to ask questions about it today

I told her that she has to be 16 years old, tell me first if she's thinking of having sex and she asked why, and I said so that I can help her protect herself from getting ill.......what should I have said!?

This is so hard!

I know they experiment with themselves and ask questions, but at this age!? And experiment like this!?

Any advice would be appreciated AND please......No judgements.

I feel like a sh!t mother at the moment :(

OP posts:
compo · 29/04/2011 07:26

How does she even know what it is?!! Has she seen it on tv or you and dh in bed together?

Original poster
2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:28

Also, today she was asking me what it FELT LIKE!? omg...this is toooooooooo early!

Can't she just play with dolls?

I'm expecting her to start her period soon! Her attitude is like a mini teenager in practise!

OP posts:
Original poster
2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:29

No of course she hasn't.

All I can think of is the school playground!

OP posts:

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 29/04/2011 07:30

Blimey. I think you need to be realistic and tell your DD about S.E.X. perhaps that would removed some of the mystique.
My DD knew all about the birds and bees at that age although I seriously doubt she'd have shown anyone her banjo, she tends to reserve that treat for me and DH.
No other words of wisdom or advice, but, telling her she has to wait until she is 16 is a bit daft. My DD is almost ten, she still counts time to events in 'sleeps' so six years for her would be inconceivable.

compo · 29/04/2011 07:31

Maybe you've started talking about it too early

for example this bit I've spent years telling her that her body is her temple and that NO ONE see's it. seems an odd thing to do

Original poster
2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:34

Compo - We told her this about a year or two ago because she was getting undressed infront of people at our house, and we didn't want her doing it.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 29/04/2011 07:37

Your messages are totally mixed - on the one hand you want her to talk to you about it, but then put arbitrary age limits on it. I don't think that this will encourage your daughter to come and talk to you or trust you in these matters.

I don't know how I'd handle the kissing etc situation, probably talk to all children who were involved, to find out what they were thinking they were doing and what gave them the idea, trying to do this in a non-judgemental way, so that they're not scared of talking to me.

Original poster
2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:43

I need her to know that we are there for her to talk to - about anything. Of course, I'd rather she wouldn't be asking these questions at the moment.....

We have put an age limit on it as most parents would do - realistically when she becomes a teen, these limits may go out of the window for her.

My parents were always open with me and also told me the 16 year old age limit. Never did me any harm. I never experiemented either. I just want to know what I can do NOW?

Obviously this is a weird topic, and I hate that it's happened, so PLEASE, advice on how I can deal with this now after it's happened.....................

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 29/04/2011 07:47

Isn't this just the same as playing Dr and Nurses?

Original poster
2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:49

QuelleLeJeff - perhaps. My mother said the same when I told her about this.

How do I delete a post, I regret posting this now!

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 29/04/2011 07:51

On the blue bar above the post, click on 'report'

Listen though, please try not to panic! I remember doing some pretty weird stuff with boys at her age. You must try not to frighten her!

slovenlydotcom · 29/04/2011 07:53

so when she was 5, you made a fuss about her getting undressed? Confused

Original poster
2Sprogs · 29/04/2011 07:54

Thank you Quelle. I don't think we frightened her - well, telling her I might tall her grandparents might have, but please understand I was desperate.
She's always coming to ask asking questions about things, but only about sex recently.

I'm at a loss.

Thanks, I reported my own post.

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 29/04/2011 07:57

It's normal for her to be asking, just answer her in an age appropriate way. I think you might have scared her by crying though.

Never mind. Give her a cwtch and forget about it now.

differentnameforthis · 29/04/2011 07:58

My main worry would be where she is hearing/seeing all this. And why is she asking how it feels?

My dd is 7 also & has no knowledge of sex. She heard some stuff a while ago in school & repeated it to me. I asked her where she heard it & she said 'the older girls were taking' so she had overheard. All pretty standard & innocent, but this....I think you need to get to the bottom of it tbh.

And welcome to MN.

differentnameforthis · 29/04/2011 07:59

I told her that she has to be 16 years old, tell me first if she's thinking of having sex and she asked why, and I said so that I can help her protect herself from getting ill.......what should I have said

I don't think you needed to have this convo with her at 7.

BoffinMum · 29/04/2011 08:03

A lot more normal than you would ever know. This kind of sex play is all over the place amongst all kinds of children, ranging from Doctors and Nurses under the playgroup table to this. We are a bit buttoned up about it hence the natural inclination to panic a bit, but really all you need to do is to say that she's not supposed to be doing that at her age and to avoid doing so in future. Really, it's more embarrassing than anything, so I wouldn't fret too much. It doesn't mean a paedo's accosted her and had his wicked way with her, or that she's seen porn, or anything like that. Rest assured both are very unlikely. You just have a little girl being interested in what adults do, from the sound of it.

WidowWadman · 29/04/2011 08:07

"My parents were always open with me and also told me the 16 year old age limit. Never did me any harm. I never experiemented either. I just want to know what I can do NOW?"

So basically you are repeating your parents attitude of sex being a bad thing which shouldn't be talked about until an arbitrary age is reached. That's the opposite of being open.

Sure it didn't do you any harm?

Bonsoir · 29/04/2011 08:07

Relax.

DP and I picked DD up from a party the other day at 6pm and went straight out to dinner with her. We had hardly sat down to apéritifs when DD announced that she had something to say. "I am in love", she told me, and proceeded to tell me all about it and how she felt when he had kissed her.

It was all over 24 hours later!

exoticfruits · 29/04/2011 08:09

I agree with BoffinMum. We used to play Doctors and Nurses-I don't imagine my parents knew. Children are curious. It all sounds quite innocent to me.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 29/04/2011 08:10

i agree with what boffinmum has said. i remember having intense curiosity at that age and doing the whole doctors / nurses thing - and that was long before Rihanna videos on 24/7 and lads mags at eye level in supermarkets.

I think you have totally over-reacted and made her feel ashamed of her body and feelings.

seeker · 29/04/2011 08:17

"
I've spent years telling her that her body is her temple and that NO ONE see's it."

I'm a bit bothered by this, to be honest. Could it be that you've been a bit over the top - there's nothing wrong with a 5 year old getting undressed in front of people?

And would a 5 year old understand the "body is a temple" thing? I remember bieng baffled by that when I was 10!

NormanTebbit · 29/04/2011 08:22

Mine were told the facts of life at 6 and 4 respectively.

I would talk to her about it calmly. The whole deal. Sex, pregnancy, where babies come out of, it hurts etc etc

I would tell her that the childrens behaviour was inappropriate and nitto do it again. I hope the boys parents would do the same.

SeenButNotHeard · 29/04/2011 08:25

Let's not give the OP a hard time - she is asking for advice, not judgement. Most of us would struggle in a similar situation, and this is MN at its best - helping us to think about how we parent, and what we might do differently.

We have not even begun to discuss sex with dd(6) yet and am looking on line at the moment for books that we can use when she starts asking questions - well I say we but dh has been very clear that this will be down to me.

notyummy · 29/04/2011 08:27

It's doctors and nurses! A friend and I 'operated' on a little boys willy at that age because we were curious. A whole load of us also took turns lying on top if each other in the 'special room.' I knew how babies were made and was in no way abused.

Please don't be upset with her. It is very common.

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