Are there rules for which nursery you can choose?

[EdwardorEricCantDecide]

what I mean is Childcare is currently shared between DM and DMIL
DS is due to start next summer I've been told I'll need to register him soon
I live about 20 miles from my mum (but just short train journey)
And about 8 from mil (has a car)

Mil has now said she wants DS at nursery in her area

I thought it would have to be local to my house, but also if I choose her nursery then my mum would never see DS

I just thought it would be easier for all if DS was watched at my house within walking distance
Also by the time he starts DC2 will be here

So do you have to choose nursery within catchment like schools?
Do u think I'm being selfish for wanting to?

My parents look after my children while I work. They like to do it at their house. It's a 5 minute walk. It would be much more convenient for me if they did it at my house, and it wouldn't take them long to get here. Am I going to ask them to do that? Of course not! They are doing me a huge favour and so I respect their preferences in how they do it.

But presumably if she does it her MIL's way it will make it harder for her mum? So is it OK for her to suddenly change her mum's terms?
Or should she enrol her DC in 2 nurseries - one near MIL and one near mum?

"I thought it would have to be local to my house, but also if I choose her nursery then my mum would never see DS"

Sounds to me like MIL is doing the bulk of the childcare.

If her MIL doesn't want to do it at her house and do all the driving then she needs to think again, yes. She's going to have to isn't she. Maybe her mum can do all of it, or get a childminder.

true

But we're talking about which nursery the child attends so surely the op has a right to choose which she prefers. Particularly if the MIL's one is nothing special then I can quite see why she would prefer him to go to the local one with local people. It's up to the MIL then to say no thank you, it's too much.

Anyway, it's not just on this thread, it's all over MN. If the gps are involved in any way then you are unreasonable for not wearing sackcloth and ashes.

Oh definitely, and you get told to find other childcare if you disagree with anything the GPs do - they will object!

Yes, and the MIL may not have thought it through - sounds like she and the mum are both very involved with the DS's well-being, so if OP is able to explain why it might be better for the DS to go to a local nursery then the MIL may well understand and accept it. No reason to assume anyone is laying down any ultimatums - it's still a conversation.

What the OP actually needs to do is tell MIL that she's not happy with the plan and see what MIL says.

Personally I think MIL is well within her rights to say she doesn't want to do it, and then OP can think again. Danger is MIL will feel like she has to go along with OP if she wants to have the time with her GC.

So I guess she needs to say "because of distances and schools I'm going to check out XY and Z nurseries near home. I understand that is different to what you wanted. What do you think?" And have a proper grown-up conversation about it.

wow lot of responses while i was away. sorry about delay

RE; the roads there is a v. small residential road takes about one minute to drive along which takes you out of my village then its non-residential the rest of the way (unless cows count) i will get exact mileage when i pick up DS today.

it is both GPs choice to watch DS (although i would really struggle to pay childcare if they didn't)

if either GP didn't get "a day or 2" with DS they would be v. disgruntled and would voice that quite openly (i'm getting it just now from both as i'm only working one day this week due to bank hols and were going on holiday next week so MIL wasn't happy that she'll only have him for 1 half day my mum isn't happy that she isn't seeing him at all this week or obviously next as we'll be away.

i don't think the drive would be a problem for MIL she drives further to the supermarket every other day.

i'm more worried about my mum getting the train through in the morning, but this is why i'll look to reducing my days when returning after mat leave.

i know i'm very lucky to have such a big family who all love DS (and want a peice of him) i constantly have FIL and SIL asking when they can have him, i'm very precious of mine and DHs time with him as we both work 4/5 days per week (quite long hours)

Ultimately I think that you should say to mil that nursery allocation is done by catchment/distance from home and that you are unlikely to get a place where she lives.

Even if her local nursery has loads of spaces you don't need to tell her that.

She may simply not want to mind him at your house though. Mine won;t do that, so it is possible.

Try and find out what her reasons for her suggestion were.

She may just not want all the additional driving.

You need to find out.

Look at it from your DC's point of view.

At pre-school, hopefully he will be making friends with the children he will be going to school with, in the school attached to the pre-school.

At our pre-school nursery class, they go into school for all sorts of events. They use the school playing fields and playground. The nursery manager helps decide who goes in which reception class. The transition from pre-school to reception is not a large one to make.

How is that going to work for your DC if they are at a preschool nowhere near their school?

How is it going to work for your mother collecting your Dc from near your MILs?

Whose child is it, anyway ? Will the GPs be deciding where your DC go to school?

Or OTOH if OPs area is like mine, very few nurseries are attached to schools, attending nursery carries no weight for getting into the school, and children from each nursery are scattered around the place when they start primary.

You can't assume that everything works the way it does in your area.

If someone is giving up their time and energy to do someone a favour, however enjoyable that favour is, they are entitles to say how they would prefer to do it. And decline to continue to do it if it no longer works for them.

Of course OP can put her foot down. But it might mean she ends up forking out for a child minder.

if i choose MIL's nursery it would mean MIL does all childcare my mum wouldn't see DC until i take him for a visit which at most would be a couple hours per week.

And if you don't choose MIL nursery is she going to want to do any childcare? That's your real question isn't it. You need to talk to her.

i know i'll phone round nurseries/councils etc and find out how it works when DS would start etc

as this is my first DC i really don't have a clue, it was a relative who told me at the weekend that i need to register quite soon.

i don't think she would refuse she comes to our house to watch DS sometimes if we want to go to the cinema but this is probably once a month or less?!

Your local council website might well have a document that lists all the nurseries and preschools. If you are in an area where they are mainly state and/or attached to schools, they will probably be included in the document about schools in the borough. If that document is anything like ours, it contains details of when you need to do what, how to apply, what the entry criteria are etc etc.

Now I live in a very tricky part of the country for schools, so you have to be hyper organised! Hopefully you live somewhere a bit easier - but it still won't do any harm to find out how it all works. If you have you sights set on primary school X, and they feed from a nursery, you need to sort it out. That sort of thing.

You also need to look at them and if poss get recommendations from people you know locally.

By the time you've done all of that it'll be time for a cup of tea and a chat with your MIL

Also - you don't have to put your DS in a nursery full time. My DS1 (3.5) just does 2 mornings a week at nursery so he gets the socialisation benefits. You could have it so that he only goes on one of your MILs days or doesn't go to nursery at all on your MIL days if she's got a problem with the location of it - and he does go to nursery on your mum's days.

AFAIK he gets a few hours a week and their usually taken at 2hours per day so can u say when u want them taken then?

Normally it is up to 5 funded 3hr sessions per week during termtime but some LA's are more flexible than others. Some also set a minimum number of sessions per week. You need to speak to each possible to see what they offer and suits you. You may even be able to use some at one and some at another but that may be more confusing for your ds. You don't have to put him into a preschool at all btw

It would be easier not to put him in but I think he really needs it, he went when dropping friends DC at nursery last week and cried because he couldn't go in, hes the only child in the family and don't get to see friends kids often so he rarely gets to see other kids.

I think he'd love it and don't want to take that away.

I did the journey and it's 6.2miles took me 10 mins but there is a lot of roadworks ATM

Sometimes MIL just takes longer than most to get her head round things (sometimes she's just really difficult) SIL had a dog few years ago MIL looked after it walked it etc when SIL worked she constantly said SIL was selfish had put her life on hold etc, SIL got rid of dog for this reason MIL said she was selfish bitch as MIL was now broken hearted sometimes u just can't win.