Best parenting article you've read lately?

[Jbr]

I found this on bbc.co.uk. I have forgotten the journalist's name who wrote it but I think it's great. She took notes while pregnant and after the birth.

"I have decided against being a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted with my new baby, besotted, charmed, hopeful, I am in all ways like a mother, permanently spattered with a happy mix of bodily fluids, some mine, some the baby’s, some.. sort of hard to tell really. Anyway, despite being in all these ways LIKE a mother, I’m afraid I can’t be bothered – I have decided to be a PARENT instead. Why? Well a parent can have a few gin and tonics and no one thinks twice about it, but A Mother with a Gin Bottle… a sad picture wouldn’t you say, probably a dangerous one.. A parent goes to work, a mother (on the other hand) abandons her child.

I decided all this while pregnant. When the world went funny. I’m only saying it now because its quite hard to talk when you’re pregnant. Not because you’re stupid, but because it’s quite hard to talk when you’re waiting for something - a bus, or an earthquake, or a baby. So now that I have my voice back I want to thank (officially) all those people who went bonkers when they saw my bump.

The four grown women who cheered when I ordered dessert – thanks for the applause - the friend who would not give me a cup of coffee – brilliant, hey thanks - the woman who started to cry when I lit up a cigarette (I know, you were right, no really thanks for that), the aunt who said I shouldn’t get on a plane - the airline official who told me (wrongly!) that I couldn’t be insured to travel, ditto, all the drunk people who told me I should go home and get some rest now, thanks -and to the many people who could not resist touching the sacred bulge, the miraculous mound, no really, that was nice... thanks.

Thanks for the mineral water and the plates of salad and the ice-cream, thanks for judging me, thanks for thinking that you had a right to judge me, and a duty to tell me all about it. Thanks for turning me from an ordinary individual, into a vehicle for all your pyschological tics and issues, a sort of public bus with MOTHER written on the front. Thanks for climbing on.

Actually, most people were fine. And pregnancy was remarkable, so I wasn’t surprised when people make a fuss. But it did sadden me to see how tainted people thought the world was, how frightened they are of what we eat and drink. A cup of coffee is not a certain amount of caffeine, it is a moral event. It is a serious moral event. I came to the conclusion that society has (or is) one big eating disorder, barely kept in check.

And it was not just the food that their scared of. Why do people – alright some people- not trust pregnant women? They can’t stop themselves – they panic, they can’t control it – this sudden overwhelming conviction that you want to Damage Your Child.

I decided that it was a mother thing…

I decided that we have two images of Mother – a) a woman who is all things good and lovely or b) a monster.

These extremes come from such a helpless part of us, helpless and ancient – Is this why people panic – because they are babies again, because they think I am their mother. But I’m not you know.

I have a feeling that this will go on now the rest of my life – the mother thing - the irrational comments from strangers, the self-righteousness, the mad urgency of what people have to say. The whole big swinging guilt trip. So, listen, spare me fears, your needs, your primal anxieties, and pour me a nice gin and tonic yes, I am mad about my child, and good to my child Go ring your own mother, if you still have her. The old dear, she’ll love it.".

This is almost always what I try to explain, but she does it better than me! I am never a mother but a parent! It's true about complete strangers prodding you around as well! I don't agree about the guilt trip, because only mothers feel guilty but I am not one of those, I'm a parent.

[Willow2]

Jbr - totally agree, it's a great article. Just a thought though - what are the rules on copyright when it comes to the net? Can you just cut and paste an entire article somewhere else? I'm not having a go, I'm just curious.

[Jbr]

I don't know to be honest. Probably a bit illegal (hope I don't get the site in trouble). But as long as I don't say it's my own work, I am at least not guilty of plagurism, if I am guilty of "taking" the article.

I do know the laws about that sort of thing regarding music and newspaper articles but the Net, the rules seem to be different. There don't seem to be any, and if there are, they don't seem to be enforced.

If I've done something wrong, it will probably get taken down. I'm always copying and pasting things and other people I know on other sites do it as well.

[Robinw]

message withdrawn

[Jolly]

I love being a mum though! And although I understand what she means (I think, although all that sarcasm had me a bit confused), I try not to get that worked up over semantics. And I quite like the way people talk to you when you are pregnant or have a small child, even if I don't always agree with what they say. Better than the social vacuum we usually live in.

[Soothepoo]

Spot on Jolly! So this woman encountered a few insensitive people when she was pregnant - if that was the worst that happened to her,big deal! I, too, love the way pregnancy and children can lead to conversations with complete strangers and no, I don't always agree with what they say, but that's life. I'm proud to be a mother and if some people have negative associations with that state then that's their problem. I refuse to give in to their view and call myself a 'parent'.

[Croppy]

Agree totally. I didn't like the tone of it and also welcome the interest/concern that pregnancy brings. SO what if you meet the odd insensitive soul - the nice people more than make up for it. I thought the comment about cigarette smoking was especially distasteful.

[Chairmum]

You're so right, Jolly. Quite frankly, if that is all the author has to complain about in life, she's a lucky woman!

[Lizzer]

Yeah, I agree with all the messages especially about her having nothing to complain about!
It sounds like one of those articles that are meant to be blase and aloof (is there any need for that level of sarcasm-the lowest form of wit?!)but which really come across as surplus to requirements. Do we need the explanation of the difference between Mother's and Parent's? Are we really supposed to believe such a difference exists? Does anyone really think other peoples advice and concern during their pregnancy is something worth getting annoyed about post-natally? Of course not, therefore the piece is banal as it is irritating!

Anymore for us to disect Jbr? Why do you like it so much anyway?!

[Tigermoth]

Can I take the middle ground here? I like the auther's general sentiment - to paraphrase (I hope): I've chosen to see myself as a parent not a mother, to distance myself from the outdated and irrational assumptions society makes about mothers.

I also notice that her writing isn't preachy, which is why I like it. She's not asking you to agree with her (and I'm not sure if I do), she's just stating a personal decision.

I don't like some of the examples she goes on to quote. They weaken her argument. Why bring cigarette smoking into it for goodness sake! Even a 'parent' knows it's harmful. And I have to say that no one refused me coffee when I was pregnant!

Anyway, it was an entertianing read. Thanks jbr.

[Jolly]

Just to add that I can't really think of any parenting articles that made a great impression on me...although I did read quite a good one by Kate Figes talking about what she didn't like about the NCT. The best parenting BOOK I've ever read is 'Raising Happy Children' which is a lovely, lovely book with some really constructive advice.

[Crunchie]

I think it's really good. I agree with the sentiment expressed. How dare someone else decide what is right and what is wrong for me as a pregnant woman. When I was pg I had someone tell me I could not order such and such in a restaurant! Sorry, it is my choice, no-one elses. I ate goats cheese, so what! I drank wine, but why did I feel I had to justify myself at every turn.

The concern that I got over idiotic things like that were offset my the total lack of courtesy I expeienced while commuting!

If the world was so worried about the food and drink I consumed, couldn't they have been equally worried about leaving a heavilly pg woman to stand for an hour on a packed train! (not just once, on many occassions) At times when I was pg I would have welcomed that kind of support, not the patting me on the bump and don't eat that!

As to being a parent not a mother, well I am proud to be both. But I am sick of people checking whether I can have a drink or not, in case I am breast feeding (which I am). Why not help me by opening a door, or not tutting at me in the supermarket when both children kick off at the same time.

No like the author of this piece I am a parent who smokes the odd ciggarette (not while I was pg - my choice) and has a glass or three of wine (how else do you relax with a 2 yr old and a baby) and I love my job.

Go for it JBR, your postings are the most thought provoking, although I don't always agree, I like the rows!

[Bugsy]

I agree with some of her points. I got very irritated by interference by others in my life. I don't drink coffee at all (don't like it) but several times when I was at work at the drinks machine, people passed by and said "Hope that's not coffee" or similar comments. I was also annoyed when decisions were made on my behalf by others about what I should or shouldn't eat (I'm not talking health professionals here but colleagues of friends in restaurants). I couldn't bear strangers touching my bump, I found it really invasive and enquiries about whether or not I intended to breast-feed hacked me off too.
So, I suppose I understand where the author is coming from but I think the heavy sarcasm didn't add to the message of her article.
I think the real problem is that everyone thinks they know what they are talking about when it comes to pregnancy and children and want to share the benefit of their wisdom. Sometimes that can be wrong, unnecessary and annoying.

[Jbr]

I didn't agree with the smoking bit - we all know it's "bad" to light up etc etc. But I did like what she was saying in general. I had total strangers prodding me in the belly! Something which could be construed as assault on someone else, yet I am suddenly public property.

And the amount of people who stopped speaking to me! For instance "would she like a drink" to my partner? Instead of saying to me "would you like a drink". Come to think of it I always buy my own drinks and go to the bar myself, so why did I suddenly have men going to the bar for me, like I wasn't capable?!

[Slug]

What I hate about being pg is the way your ability to make any decisions is immediatly questioned by the army of instant experts who surround you. I don't feel like a person anymore, simply a breeding machine. The drinking bit made me laugh though. I went out to dinner last night with dh, 37 weeks pregnant, and you should have seen the look on the waitress' face when I shared his bottle of wine. I thought she was going to rip my glass away from my bleeding fingers.

I get annoyed at how my opinions never seem to count anymore. Every time I say we are only having the one child - a carefully thought out plan based on finances and our own experiences of childhood - people all shake their heads and say I will change my mind (note me, not dh, apparantly he is allowed to stick with his plans) And as for the medical profession.....apparantly 36 years of intimate daily life in my own body does not equip me to know what is normal for me and what is not. Twice I have been hospitalised by panicking midwives for something which is a normal process for me. It didn't matter how much I told them that this was normal, they just didn't believe me. Mind you, these were the same women who began the antenatal classes with the infamous quote "Now you know your baby is floating in water". Christ almighty, what do they think we are? This was a group of 20 middle class professionals.

Ooops, gone off the subject, but I've been dying to have the patronising midwife rant for ages

[Bells2]

Its strange but I have never had any interfering comments of the type reported here. If anything my acceptance of a glass of wine or champagne while obviously pregnant has been greeted with relief that I'm not being sanctimonious about it all.

Actually one of the benefits to me of pregnancy is that it is the one time I can go to the pub with my make colleagues and not be endlessly harangued into drinking more than is good for me!.

Second time around I have munched my way through all sorts of "unsuitable" foods and I have never seen an eyebrow raised. My only bugbear is a couple of friends who seem to think that cream cheese is the same as unpastuerised brie in that is a "soft cheese" and therefore must be avoided. This has seen me served up an alternative pud at supper parties when everybody else is tucking into a delicious cheesecake or whatever. Given that the host has gone to the trouble to provide an alternative, I think it would be churlish to complain however!.

I personally didn't like the tone of her article although concur with many of her sentiments on mother vs parent.

[Lil]

Only this morning I saw this little kid, he must have been about 5, leaning out of the front passenger side of a car at the traffic lights. Two more kids were not seat belted in the back. I felt furious and wanted to jump out of my car and bash on the mothers winscreen (should I blame pg hormones?). So point is, according to many of you and the authoress' statement I shouldn't have felt so infuriated on those children's behalf. But i did, because that mother was putting her kids at a big risk. Am I being a busy-body???????

[Jbr]

That's different, that's just common sense. I hate seeing dogs with their heads of out windows as well.

It's funny about Slug (great name BTW!)about not wanting any more children. Some of my friends who don't have any always get asked when they are going to have a baby, and if they say never they get stupid comments like "that's a bit selfish" and "you'll change your mind! Always the women, never the men.

[Chairmum]

I can't say that I've been on the receiving end of remarks such as though reported here (maybe it's a "Darn Sarf" custom!) but it has set me thinking. Maybe it's a sort of instinctive presrvation-of-the-human-race thing. Like, these people want to ensure the next generation will be plentiful, so there'll be lots of doctors and nurses and care assistants and meals on wheels ladies etc to look after them in their old age!

[Jbr]

It is funny I thought! You don't get many funny items really unless I read the wrong on line newspapers!

[Sis]

Slug, sorry to report that three years down the line and I still get the "but it isn't fair on him(i.e.ds)" when I admit(I have learnt not to volunteer the information!) to only wanting one child.

I am thinking of resorting making references to "problems" as a cause for not having more children rather than have to justify our joint decision to everyone who takes on the job of our personal family planning advisor. We have also tried to laugh off queries by saying that ds is so perfect that it would be unfair on any other children to have to follow him!

[Bells2]

Well I take it all back. Hubby and I went out last night for our first meal a deux in many many months at a rather upmarket restaurant. Just as I was smacking my lips over the menu, I was approached by a female member of staff who informed me that she had just been discussing with the chef what I could and couldn't order. She then laboriously went through the menu and ruled out any fish or seafood dish, anything involving a wine based sauce, anything with eggs or goats cheese - even the pasta dish was declared off-limits because of its chorizo garnish. She managed to whittle down a menu of 20 items to just 2 that were "suitable" and then only if the meat was cooked all the way through.

I was very taken aback by it all and really quite irritated. Suffice to say I ensured I orderd from a more sensible looking waiter but nonethless, ended up feeling like Satan for most of the evening as I sat there sipping my glass of wine. Given that I am very obviously just weeks away from giving birth I would have thought that it was obvious that I knew by now which foods were best avoided.

[Marina]

Oh Bells, where was this House of Correction? Did they write a scarlet "P" on your forehead as well? I had a delicious meal at Chapter 2 in Blackheath when I was 37 weeks (and the size of a transit van) and the waiter told me which dishes had raw egg in, but other than that we agreed that the rest of the menu - and the wine list - was fair game.

[Bells2]

Funnily enough Marina I had a superb meal at Chapter 2 at 36 weeks last time around!. It was at "Prism" which is owned by Harvey Nichols. Absolutely delicious food but overpriced. If any pregnant women are intending to go there, make sure you avoid the stick thin, glamorous twenty-something waitress like the plague!.

The other amusing thing that happened was that as I was approaching the double doors on my way to the loo, she performed an extraordinary hurdling action to get to the second door and open it despite the fact that a waiter was already holding one of the doors open for me. She clearly felt I required an 8 foot gap rather than a 4 foot one!.