Will this sad feeling over never having anymore babies leave me?

[quickchat]

I have to start this post with the fact im a greedy bitch .
I have a nearly 4 yr old boy and a 16 month old girl so so far, im very annoying - I know.

BUT, I had lots of PG problems, birth problems, slightly early babies with severe reflux, followed by long term health issues for me (your warming to me a bit more now)!

I have an under active thyroid following the births and they don't seem to be able to get my levels steady and I have never felt the same since. Im knackered, anxious, stressed, have digestive problems, can't sleep deeply and generally feel pretty low because of the anxiety and exhaustion.

For the above very sensible reasons, I, or we, have decided another would be madness and may tip me over the edge and the bigger family of 3 (or 4 dependant on twins or not) is now off the cards.

I feel gutted . I keep dwelling on how bad the time since I had my beautiful DD has been. Ive been unable to enjoy it because of how I've felt and I will never get that time back or indeed, experience it all again.

I really wanted a larger family than the lonely childhood I had.
I fear if something happens to my only son or only daughter (I know this is really really stupid).

Even down to if they grow up and move away, don't have happy lives or kids themselves. It's like I feel there would be safety in numbers or law of averages will make up for it .

It's all very daft but it's how I feel and the thought of stopping here is so sad and scary.
I know I can't physically or emotionally cope with another PG, birth and baby though.

I keep looking at the photos in my livingroom of me holding my two newborns and i get a lump in my throat. I stare at babies whenever im out. I torture myself with DD's tiny cardigans my mum knitted. Im a mess. Id even say im broody already .

Is this just the realisation that there will be no more and it will eventually fade?

Or am I bonkers?

its been over 2 years now since we decided it wouldnt be safe for us to have anymore children. We have 2 beutiful girls with autism, I have a heart condition and dh has ongoing cancer treatment which means any child we have is likely to have some form of disability.
We would be so happy to have more children but sometimes the head has to rule your heart. :(

It does get easier, but be prepared for tears everytime someone tells you they are having a baby :(

I do feel for you, in my experience the pain of not being able to have another has dulled a little but never left me totally. I still get pangs every time I hear someone is pregnant and have such a sadness that my ds is an only child. You are not bonkers, you are having to adjust to a new dynamic in your family and that there will be 4 of you not the 5/6 that you always imagined.
We have been 7 years in totaly tyring for a child, 2 ivf's have us our son and we have had 3 failed cycles since he was born. I spent the last 2 years of his life in a haze upset about the child I could not have and not appreciating the one miracle I had. I suppose we all just have to find our way of making peace with it but when you learn how let me know!! xxx

Oh god, now I just feel really ridiculous. Im so sorry to both of you, firstly lisad I hope your husband is ok, how much stress you are going through I just can't imagine.

broodymomma I know what you mean about ruining what you have because you are obsessed with having another. I have no idea why I have done this since DD was very small. Maybe because it was beginning to dawn on me I really shouldn't have another.

Also, I think we all start off thinking, ooh it would be nice to have 1,2, 3...or this sex etc then alot of us get a shock as to how many things can go wrong to different degrees.

Broodymama, although I said my childhood was lonely, I did have a brother but we never got on or played together so It wasn't because I was an only child - I would have preferred to have been !

Your thread strikes a cord with me. I have one DD and would LOVE another child but I'm really not sure that DH will agree to that. I adore DD and I'm enjoying our time together so much, but there is a sadness there for me too because I'm ready for another one but don't think it will happen. I think there are lots of us like that.

beebop that would be frustrating. What is his reason?

I have one DD born thanks to ICSI. we did have some frozen embryos but i lost both that were transferred earlier this year. We have no money for more treatment, i am almost 40 and now DH has been diagnosed with diabetes to add to our other fertility issues, so I can not have more children either.
I still cry on hearing someone is pregnant and can not bring myself to get rid of all the baby things.........
I hope it does get better over time, but right now I can't see that happening....

I know exactly how you feel. Millions of reasons why we shouldn't have number three, but I am regretting that decision already and know I'll always wonder... :(

I'm in the same situation too. 3 gorgeous DDs, several MCs and after the horrific one I had last year there will be no more. DH had the snip a few months ago and my heart is broken. I couldn't speak to him all the way there and sat there hoping he would just stand up, announce it was a mistake and we should leave.

I adore our girls but there is someone missing round our table. My friend just told me she is pregnant and two others have just had babies too and my heart aches. I give myself a row for being greedy and am VERY grateful for what we have been blessed with. Complicated pregnancies/very difficult births and a traumatic MC last year all mean time to let it go. It will be the first 1st Anny of loosing the baby in a few weeks and I'm already weeping over it

You're bonkers. Treasure what you have instead of pining for what might have beeen ...

I agree -treasure what you have. You bring them into the world and give them wings to fly. They might move away, they might not, something might happen to them but it is just as bad with a big family-you can't say it doesn't matter I have another DD!!
Instead of thinking how unlucky, think what a privilege it is to have 2 healthy DCs.

The next time you will feel like this is when they go to school, and after that when they leave home, get married, etc ... It's all going to be hard for you. But then, just when you are starting to question why you were born, you get a grandchild! And that is the greatest, best gift anyone could give you.

So I hope that makes you feel a little better. It seems a long time away but it goes quickly, so find something to enjoy in every day.

I'm a little concerned for you, Quickchat, because I wonder if you might actually be depressed? I hope you are OK. If not, see a doctor, because all the time you are feeling sad is time you are losing with your lovely kids.

Do you have siblings with kids? You can feel like part of a big family if you all meet up as often as possible.

And what Exotic fruits said is true. They do leave, and that should be our proudest moment, when they are successfully launched into the world. But - it's hard, and we owe it to them, imo, to get other interests, so we don't let ourselves become dependent on our kids and a burden for them.

Good luck. Enjoy your kids.

Maybe you are depressed. You can't live life through your DCs and make them responsible for your happiness. Perhaps see your GP.

Thanks everyone. I don't think im depressed as I can really enjoy them and I do still laugh alot.

The anxiety and feeling low is definitely the thyroid problem. When The dose works for a while im great then the symptoms come back all at once, stomach problems, exhaustion, feeling low anxious. It's a very distinct feeling I can't explain unless you have an under active thyroid.

Funny you should mention extended family mellow. My only brother has turned out a total nightmare. He lives around an 8 hour drive away and has had 3 (that we know of) children to two different woman and doesn't bother to see them. Looooong story I won't bore with!

My Dad, the reason for my brother being a mess, I haven't seen for 9 years and don't want to.

For this reason I had it in my head I wanted a big close family.

I am aware it is all fears and a bit silly and I actually have a family so it should be enough now. Not every family of four ends up like that.

I really don't want to be one of those PITA mothers who live life through their kids either. I know I have to get control of my fears but it is so hard when you are struggling with a thyroid issue to calm down.

Anyway, thanks for the advice everyone. DD is now screaming

I feel very sorry for you, Quickchat, and it does sound as if it is a health issue, even if you are not depressed. Maybe focus on trying to get some help to deal more effectively with the thyroid problem? It does seem to be blighting your life.

One thing I really enjoyed when bringing up my own children was Woodcraft Folk. It's a daft name for a group that's very like the Scouts or Guides, but the parents go on camps/stay in Youth Hostels/go on day trips/adventure holidays etc, with the children and we all mucked in. I didn't want to send the kids away on holiday without me as I wanted to join in the fun! It was a great way of meeting other parents too, at a time when my family was a long way away. At one point WCF were like a surrogate family to us.

I'm assuming that you have thought about parents and toddlers' groups in your area (again, they really saved my life when I felt isolated with two little ones), but if you didn't want something as organised as WCF (or you didn't agree with their Green ethos), you could just join forces with another family and go on holiday together, eg to a caravan park, where you have your own family caravan but join up for day trips etc.

I know what I've written doesn't help at all with the problem of wanting more children. I just think you might find it helpful to focus on how you can create the feeling of a large family. All the best anyway. Hope things work out well for you.

Just had tears feeding my 22 week old DS and realising how much he's grown up already and knowing that everything i do is "the last time". Before long he'll be on solids and in his own cot in his own room. DS will be an only child and i do get sad about it sometimes, although of course i am so happy with how well he's developing and get so much enjoyment seeing the new things he's learning and his little personality emerging. I also always feel better when i remind myself how at one point i thought i would never even have one baby as i have PCOS. It took us 3 years to conceive and my sister is 42 and currently embarking on her 5th IVF attempt, without success so far. So i count myself extremely lucky.

it's the old glass half full or half empty thing... I'm delighted and grateful for my one ivf ds everyday, I spent so long thinking I might never have any at all. Doesn't mean I'm not dead jealous of the easily fertile.

mantana oh it gets much much better too!!

Everytime they reach a mile stone I want to grab them and pop them in a jar of pickle!

I love from 6 months on even though I loved before too so you have so much to look forward to.

I really know how you feel.

I have 3 DC's all under 5 and a very demanding full time job. I have awful pregnancies where I cry most days at the constant sickness. I get PND after the births. DS2 is 8 months old and on a good night he only wakes up twice. I get about 5 hours sleep a night and work 50 - 60 hours a week around the DC's. We cannot afford any more. I cannot reasonably handle and give to any more. We have no family support. I fully agree with DH about him getting the snip (I also react to all contraception).

I am so grateful at what I have. And immensely lucky. 3 pregnancies. All healthy. No health problems. Lovely, smily sociable babies who apart from being small children are not difficult. Breastfed all 3 with ease.

But emotionally the idea of DH having the snip soon is so difficult. I have tried explaining this to him. It makes no sense I know. It doesnt help I love giving birth and the newborn stage (of course I love my older children too).

It makes no sense and logically I realise just how lucky I am, how fantastic it will be to move on to them being little people and no buggies, naps etc. But I well up at the idea of that vasectomy.

So I will join you in the irrationality!

I think part of it might be that for the past 5.5 years being pregnant, having a newborn and breastfeeding has been a huge central part to my life. It's all I really remember as I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding since September 2005.

I think it might just be a period of adjustment and moving on. I am trying to change it into happy memories and tears rather than sadness. Just like how you would feel in any situation you loved but leave.

i too feel the same, i have 3 beautiful healthy dc all under 5, and dh had the snip in january.
i felt awful for days afterwards and i feel very sad that i will have no more, my youngest is 7 months and every day i can't help but think 'this is the last time i will do...'(whatever).
as i am stil bf ds2 i've not got my periods back yet so god knows how i'll feel then, i'll prob be a wreck!
i know that it was the right choice for us as a family and we had always planned to have 3 dc, we can provide for them and give them a good life, but in the back of my mind i will always wonder what if we'd had more.

The sad feeling will fade but maybe never leave.
We cannot have children of our own and i truly thought the pain would never fade and at times it felt like it was suffocating me. It has faded though and although i will always be sad about it, it's no longer painful. The key for me was to accept it rather than fight it. Fighting it just prolonged it (or was that maybe part of the healing? I don't know). I would say that it took me about 3 years to totally accept it.

We now have 1 (very recently) adopted son who has given me something that i never thought i would have, so the joy i get from him far outweighs the sadness.

i can really empathise with many of the posts particularly heather1980 i too have 3 perfect DC. After always planning to have 4 children we have made the decision to stop at 3 for all the right practical reasons, foremost being able to fully provide financially for the children we have (with an estimated future university bill of approx £90,000! etc) however on an emotional level i am struggling to get over the sadness of no more children and worry that i will always feel that i havent completed our family. i know i am lucky for the 3 i have and am thankful and grateful everyday but at the moment i feel like i am grieving for the children i wont have and it really hurts, i wish someone could wave a magic wand over me to take the hurt away so that i can get on with enjoying the children i do have.

I have felt the same with my only-child DS...

I find a good flick through the news, and a reasoned reflection on how hideously overpopulated the planet gives me enough of a kick up the arse to soothe my 'terrible emotional pain'.

Hi I'm Charlotte
I feel really selfish writing this as there are people out there with no children.
I have 2 boys but also I have the brca 1 gene which I had to get my ovaries removed so I didnt get ovarian cancer 😥 me and my partner decided not to have anymore children as I was at a big risk but since having it done I've felt regret and feel like I want more children it's got so bad that I'm feeling so low every day and cant enjoy anything is this normal? And will I ever feel normal again

I choose to be very grateful for my beautiful DD. I had three miscarriages trying to conceive her and just before conceiving her discovered I was perimenopausal at 32 so no chance of another. I was considering adoption before we were blessed with her and she is amazing.

I do understand what you're saying though- I look at her now and wonder where the months have gone. That baby stage is over in a flash and there is a finality there because once they're over it they never return to it.

The vicar who christened her gave me some sage and unsolicited advice- he said to enjoy the moment and not wish for the past or future as there is something joyful at every stage.