I have to start this post with the fact im a greedy bitch 
.
I have a nearly 4 yr old boy and a 16 month old girl so so far, im very annoying - I know.
BUT, I had lots of PG problems, birth problems, slightly early babies with severe reflux, followed by long term health issues for me (your warming to me a bit more now)!
I have an under active thyroid following the births and they don't seem to be able to get my levels steady and I have never felt the same since. Im knackered, anxious, stressed, have digestive problems, can't sleep deeply and generally feel pretty low because of the anxiety and exhaustion.
For the above very sensible reasons, I, or we, have decided another would be madness and may tip me over the edge and the bigger family of 3 (or 4 dependant on twins or not) is now off the cards.
I feel gutted 
. I keep dwelling on how bad the time since I had my beautiful DD has been. Ive been unable to enjoy it because of how I've felt and I will never get that time back or indeed, experience it all again.
I really wanted a larger family than the lonely childhood I had.
I fear if something happens to my only son or only daughter (I know this is really really stupid).
Even down to if they grow up and move away, don't have happy lives or kids themselves. It's like I feel there would be safety in numbers or law of averages will make up for it 
.
It's all very daft but it's how I feel and the thought of stopping here is so sad and scary.
I know I can't physically or emotionally cope with another PG, birth and baby though.
I keep looking at the photos in my livingroom of me holding my two newborns and i get a lump in my throat. I stare at babies whenever im out. I torture myself with DD's tiny cardigans my mum knitted. Im a mess. Id even say im broody already 
.
Is this just the realisation that there will be no more and it will eventually fade?
Or am I bonkers?