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Parenting

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Original poster

Aaaaggghhhh why MUST I have a second child??

68 replies

dappymoo · 12/04/2011 16:43

seriously, my baby is 6 months old and I had a crappy birth which I am still recovering from physically and mentally. And we have a two bed house and can't afford to move. A second baby is soooooo not on the cards, although it would be nice from a selfish point of view, I don't think it is a good idea and my husband agrees.

So why is everyone I know trying for their second and desperate to have them (even when not enjoying the first) and some are even planning two without even having one yet? That seems mad to me, they don't even know what parenting is like, how can they know they want that many? I love kids but I get so much love from my daughter and now I "have experienced childbirth" I think if we had enough room/money for more I might adopt/foster.... I don't see the need to bring more into the world (at the moment...realise this could change)

It's just driving me mad that everyone is so desperate for a second when they have been blessed with one, and people look at me like I'm mad when I say I'm not planning another one anytime soon. Really, I feel like the only person who doesn't want to get pregnant asap! And my baby is still a baby!!

Aaggh. Sorry. Rant over.

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Original poster

dappymoo · 13/04/2011 07:33

Haha! I'm just glad people know what I'm talking about. Sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone, well, except people who offended me first..!! ;)

OP posts:

seeker · 13/04/2011 07:37

But having two is really, really good fun!

Original poster

dappymoo · 13/04/2011 07:38

As people are so confused when we say we are only having one it makes me think they haven't even considered it and hence haven't put as much thought into whether they should have more or not.

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Original poster

dappymoo · 13/04/2011 07:39

So is one...

OP posts:

Susiewho · 13/04/2011 09:07

I'd still rather have one, seeker. Fun for one isn't fun for all!

Susiewho · 13/04/2011 09:09

Sorry, I realise that's clumsily put!

I meant, what's fun for one person isn't necessarily fun for another. I would be VERY disappointed if I found out I was pregnant again.

quickchat · 13/04/2011 21:03

OMG when my 2 were 6 months I was JUSt getting my sex life back and it didn't as much as cross my mind to have another god forbid.

I feel in the 1st year of a baby it is all still too raw .

After a year I forgot just how shit it all was and after 2 years I actually believed it was all lovely. According to my photo album it was all perfect .

After 3 years I will came across a tiny babygrow and welled up . I hated the 'tiny' bit! I think your hormones will take over your mind and it will be like Revenge of the Zombies, you'll have no control .

Sorry, im just trying to freak you out a bit!

pointythings · 13/04/2011 21:28

DH and I always wanted 2. Not 1, not 3, just 2. I was terrified that DD2 would be twins. Didn't stop people from asking if we were going to try for a boy. DH had the snip when DD2 was 5 months old as we felt we were done and didn't want to go with fertility 'just in case' - she and DD1 were irreplaceable anyway.

You've just got to go with your gut feeling, I would never dream of questioning anyone's reproductive choices (or lack thereof).

NellyTheElephant · 13/04/2011 22:15

People just say this sort of stuff.... When I was first dating Dh people asked me if we were planning on moving in together, when we moved in it was all 'when are you going to get engaged??', once married 'when are you going to have a baby...?? then: are you planning another...?? Once I had 2 girls it was all: are you going to try for a boy.....?? It's kind of irritating and intrusive, but I don't think people mean that much by it, I wonder if you are reading more into it than is there.

After I had DD1 I swore that was it (I also had crappy birth that took a lot of physical and mental recovery), I was really very sure that we wouldn't have another and I really did mean it at the time. Then bizarrely soon after she turned one everything changed and I just knew I'd been wrong and I wanted more. I now have 3 but that is definitely IT. I'm not saying you will change your mind - odds are you won't and if so there's nothing at all wrong at sticking with one child.

Often when people are wittering on about this sort of stuff they are really just talking about their own lives and desires rather than really caring deeply about your choices, so who knows, maybe those friends of yours who are desperate for a second baby are now grumpily sitting there wondering why you were criticising and belittling their heartfelt desire for no.2!!

uklouisab · 14/04/2011 15:25

I only have the one, and I wont be having any more - I didnt have a horrible birth experience or terrible sleepless nights and DD, at the age of 5, is generally (as much as any of them are) a great kid. I simply dont have the energy or emotional strength to put into another child at the same level as Ive been able to with DD - and for me, if I cant do that then I would feel like im doing a half arsed job of being a mum. I have, however, stressed to DD that her friends will be super important to her all through life (as an only child) and she should remember that.
At the end of the day its about what you want - more than 1 is right for some but not for others. You simply have to put it out of your mind what others may think about your choice - as long as you are happy with that choice then thats all that matters.

Guitargirl · 16/04/2011 18:32

I am with those who think the OP and others are being just as rude as questioning people's choices to have another child - small age gap, large age gap, no second child at all, whatever - other people's reproductive practices are of no concern whatsoever outside the couple in question. I never ask anyone if they are planning on having any more as I think it's very intrusive. However, I have 2 DCs 2 years apart and if anyone questioned/criticised our decision to have our second they would get very short thrift from me.

Fleecy · 16/04/2011 18:44

I think people will always comment and question however many you have. We have one DD and one DS and are expecting DC3 - several people said they were surprised we went for a third when we already had one of each.

I just wanted three. I don't want any more, three is right for us. If one is right for you then that's fine too.

mossi · 16/04/2011 21:03

Don't people just say this sort of thing to make conversation? I don't think they mean to influence your choices at all.

chocolatepear · 16/04/2011 21:25

I just have the one and although I've sometimes been asked about having another, it's not bothered me too much. I don't live in a 2.4 kids sort of area though (central London); in fact it's rarer for families I know to follow the marriage/house/kids model. Perhaps you could do with moving somewhere a bit more cosmopolitan where different lifestyles are more tolerated?

Flisspaps · 16/04/2011 21:31

I understand. MIL keeps on about how it's 'time for another' and that she wants 5.

She'll be bloody lucky to get another one out of me, I have no desire for a second, never mind another four.

Flisspaps · 16/04/2011 21:31

I have suggested that she has another one herself, as there's still time, but strangely enough she doesn't seem keen on the idea

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 16/04/2011 21:48

I think most people ask those sorts of questions almost without thinking, so feel free to shrug and say that you hadn't given it any thought. (unlike my DM who says it is cruel to have just one child, and that I must have another)

cory · 19/04/2011 07:42

tbh if you have competitive friends I don't think a second child would solve any problems anyway; they'd just find something else to be competitive about. The most yummy-competitive mum I ever met was the only one in our toddler group who only had one: she never missed making us feel that we were inferior because we weren't giving our toddler our full attention. You just can't win with that kind of person

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