Attachment Parenting - from theory to practice

[Cbell]

I guess what I want to know is how do you do it?

I have a pretty good understanding of attachment theory and how it can affect the long term development of a child. However, this is more of a theoretical basis as I've recently completed an MEd Psychology.

I got pregnant with my daughter at the end of my course and it just seemed natural to me that I would follow this approach. However, despite thinking we would co-sleep, we don't. She likes her crib and I like cuddling my hubby. I did do a lot of baby wearing while she was tiny but now she's bigger (3 months) she's not so keen. I still pop her in a sling when we are out and about but not in the house. She wants to be played with or carried while she drools and stares at things.

I do understand that AP is more of a philosophy but I am interested in what it looks like in other peoples homes.

For me it's mainly about responding to needs and communication. So i try not to let ds cry if i can help it (driving can be a prob). Offering lots of interaction and opportunities to explore together etc. We also do ec, co sleep, bf on demand etc.

Desire for physical closeness waxes and wanes ime. Now ds is walking he's happy to wonder off and leave me so i guess he's securely attached.

But yes, tis much more about reading your babies needs and meeting them than following prescribed behaviours imo.

I agree with what MFM said - for us it's about responding to DS's needs, communicating with him as much as we can and respecting him as a person. Whenever possible I try not to do things for him if he can do them himself (e.g. let him climb downstairs rather than carry him; we did BLW rather than spoon feeding). And I'm keen for him to explore the world at his own pace and offer help and support where he needs it, rather than trying to force him to be more independent before he's ready for it.

DS is 15 months. We co-sleep (both of us sleep better that way), bf, do a bit of EC. I use a sling a bit, but mostly a rear-facing pushchair so I can carry shopping and talk to him while we're out.

Baby signing has been great - he still only uses a couple of signs, but it has really helped our communication as he pays very close attention when I sign things.

I hate labels for these things. I dare say that babies don't like being attached once they can sit up and take notice-not all anyway. Respond to the DC you have-not the one you imagined. There is no way my DS2 would have settled for it, although DS1 would have been OK.

I hadn't a clue that it had a name when I had DD. I thought all babies went into the crib and slept away on their own. So when she howled anytime she was out of my arms, it was reassuring to hear that other people were raising their dc the same way too. For a few weeks in the beginning, I really thought I was doing something wrong and my family were advising me to get with the normal programme and ignore the crying.

I just trust my instincts now and tend to dd as I see fit. Most of it does fall under the AP philosophy. Maybe the next baby will be happy in a crib.

The personalities are so different that I couldn't say that what suits one, will suit all of them.

The main thing is that we are both happy, rested and enjoying life.

For me it's breastfeeding, cosleeping and responding to ds's needs immediately (where possible).

It doesn't work for everyone. It can be exhausting and difficult if you have other dc's, however, I feel the benefits are huge.

Google dr sears, his website has some great AP stuff.

OK. SO I am getting a better idea of how it's applied.

What about bed time? As I say we are not co-sleeping and my DD has had a bedtime routine that has worked fairly well until recently. I type this as she is strolled around the kitchen by my hubby. She should be in bed...didn't she get the memo!

Anyway so...I pretty much BF to sleep. She is meant to be drowsy but it's a pretty heavy drowsy. Then she wakes about 30 minutes later. So respond immediately? Obviously not going to let her cry it out (just not for us). Or give her some time to try and settle. She doesn't seem to be able to do this but are we not giving her the opportunity to try.

I always responded straight away. She dictated her bedtime by just conking out at 8pm. That gradually moved to 6.30pm as she got older.

We still settle her back if she wakes before we go to bed. Now she's being night weaned and Dh settles her. The waking is less frequent.

This just seems right for us.

for me its co sleeping (with DD until 18 months,DS is in with us now and he's 7months)

breastfeeding on demand (DD until 17 months,DS is still going strong at 7 months)

responding as soon as possible to their needs,esp' crying at night.

DD goes to bed now at about 6-7:30pm in her own room in her own bed,shes 2.8 now and we took it very slowly,but she now goes to bed really well,we have never let her cry for longer than 2 minutes (timed)

DS co-sleeps,he falls asleep in my arms/lap/sling/pushchair downstairs until i go to bed,then he comes up with me.

we also let her do things herself,climbing stairs,using cuttlery including knives she makes a lot of her own food (sandwiches,salads,makes up snack pots) she walked very early at 8 months and has been very independent since then,she still loves the sling though

people often comment on her confidence,she will do anything,go anywhere, with anyone
when she was born we had no idea what we were doing was AA,just did what we felt 'fitted'...follow your instincts and you'll be fine!

I've always responded immediately when DS cries in the night (we didn't start properly co-sleeping till he was 11 months). I BF him to sleep in our bed, then join him at my bedtime. 3 months is still tiny - I'd not worry about bedtimes too much yet. Things like growth spurts mess with sleep lots at that stage, and when you hit the 4 month sleep regression it often goes completely to pot again anyway.

What works for us with bedtimes is not to have a set bedtime, but to vary it according to when the last nap finished and how long it was, which determines when he gets sleepy. (We get up at a set time each day though.)

Waking after 30 mins can be an indication of overtiredness ie being awake for too long since the previous nap so you could try putting her to bed earlier to see if that helps. At that age, most babies can't go more than 1.5-2 hours without needing another sleep.

You could wait a short while when she wakes to see if she'll settle back again. I go to DS ASAP because once he starts crying he gets increasingly distressed, but I only go when I can tell he's properly awake, or he's starting to cry.

OTOH, when he was 4 months old he was waking LOADS because I picked him up out of his carry cot as soon as he started to snuffle around. I thought he wanted feeding when actually he was just moving between sleep cycles. One night I didn't pick him up as I was having a dream about feeding his (non-existent!) twin and he just got himself straight back to sleep without even a murmur. From then on I left him to it if he was just wriggling around but not unhappy.

HTH

FriggFRIGG, just out of interest, do you give your DD a normal knife or a special sort? I've often thought I'd like to get DS using a proper knife etc reasonably soon, and I'm lax relaxed about a lot of 'safety' issues like stairgates etc.

she uses a toddler knife,(like you get in the tiny cuttlery sets) she also has one from ikea that is plastic,but sturdy,
however,mostly,she just nicks a butter knife and gets on with destroying bread making a sandwich

Thanks! :)

yes ds "uses" a knife too as if objects to not having any implements we have...including chop sticks

Angeldog i'm impressed by your intrepid ds going down stairs! Mine can climb up anything (on to window sill for eg) but down is a challenge.

Also completelyl agree re allowing autonomy and that you can't teach independance but that it comes in time.

I was flicking through the attachment parenting book recently, as I got it out to lend to a friend, and the thing that struck me was the phrase 'listening to your baby's cues and responding appropriately'. That struck a chord and it's definitely what I try to do.

For example, with DD2 we co-slept until about 6 months as it was easiest all round, and she was still BF frequently in the night. It gradually became clear that she slept better and woke up less in her cot, so we moved her and now (9 months) she sleeps through the night in her cot.

I never left her to cry, always fed on demand with no routine whatsoever, and always fed to sleep. But there came a point (around 5-6 months) where she would finish feeding before falling asleep and she would kind of arch her back as if she wanted to roll over (just like she used to do when we were co-sleeping and she had finished!) and I knew that was the cue to put her down in her cot to sleep. She would sometimes grizzle for a few minutes before settling herself, and I wouldn't rush in to pick her up again as I knew she was tired and needed sleep. Now she is generally fab at going into her cot awake and settling herself to sleep, because I let her learn to do it at her own pace, she was never left to cry it out but I learnt from her signals when she was ready to do it. If that makes sense?

3 months is still tiny, just follow your instincts and you can't go far wrong. Hope that helps.

DD 'uses' chop sticks too

I dare say you don't know my ds exoticfruits! He's 1yo and still spends most of his time on me! I'd like him to crawl away rather then towards me once in a while but 's a very needy baby and having been ill for most of the first part of his life needs to feel me near him. He'll get there.
I read the continuum concept whilst pregnant and went from there, I have Creative Parenting by Sears which explores attachment parenting beyond the baby stage so would recommend that.
For me it is breastfeeding on demand, skin on skin when possible, co-sleeping and getting on with your life. The continuum concept talks a lot about letting them socialise themselves as young children are innately social. I'm still muddling through what I do with ds, following his cues.

Dunno if I was that clear, I was trying to make the point that responding appropriately doesn't necessarily mean giving in to your baby/toddler or giving them exactly what they want - but giving them what they need. So responding appropriately to their cry might be to wait a few minutes to see if they settle (I didn't do this at 3 months though), responding appropriately to a toddler whining because you're not playing with them while you're making dinner might be to get them a stool and let them help you 'chop' the veg for dinner... if you see what I mean?

For me its about having a general philosophy that when the baby is small you follow their lead and their needs come first. So we would never leave her to cry. We used a sling as she hated her pram etc. Fed on demand.

Some people think this is child-friendly parenting and its hard on the parents. In all honesty I think the more routine based parenting (feed at set times, always nap in cot in darkened room) is harder on the parents in the long run. Yes you maybe get more free time as a couple in the evenings, but it restricts what you can do and when. With my Dd she just came with us whereever we went, whatever we were doing, whatever time. If she was hungry she fed, if tired she slept. I am sure this made her early months much more enjoyable for us than if we had been fretting about getting home to do a strict bedtime routine etc. You also piss off your friends by insisting that lunch at theirs has to be later than 2pm, and insisiting the rest of the world fits into your little routine!

That said DD only reliably slept through the night from about 20 months. Perhaps if we had done sleep training we would have got her sleeping through sooner! But I just felt it was wrong to leave her crying.

The trick as they get older is to have a sensitive hand on the controls and to know when it is appropriate to start expecting them sometimes to fit in with you. Its not appropriate, for example, to always let a two year old do whatever they want. There is a fine line between being responsive and empathetic and being a walkover parent with poorly behaved children who know no boundaries (which they need as they get older).

I don't know whether its as a result of being responded to as a young baby but my DD is now very independent and also reasonably sensible and obedient. She does have the two year old tantrums but she is very easy to jolly out of them etc. I do feel she is very firmly attached to us and that she knows she and her needs/world is very important to us.

Slightly of all that cutlery-using: DS loves chewing, throwing and eating off loaded cutlery, but he doesn't want to really use it yet.

He taught himself to go downstairs, MoonFaceMama, (safely backwards too) - all I did was give him the opportunity (we're a bit lax about stairgates ).

I think redstripeyelephant is right about how responding appropriately can look different in different situations - for example, some babies need to cry to let off steam before they can sleep, so letting them cry would be consistent with attachment-type parenting IMO.

Research studies have shown that babies whose cries are responded to quickly and consistently in the first 6 months of life cry a lot less in the second 6 months of life than those whose parents didn't tend to respond quickly, but I'm sure you've come across that, OP.

I dare say you don't know my ds exoticfruits! He's 1yo and still spends most of his time on me!

My only point was -respond to the baby you have. If they like it fine but they might not.

I think the 'attached' in attachment parenting refers to the quality of the parent-child relationship, rather than about them being physically attached to you.

angeldog we've only just put in a stairgate (because of me being pg and so not having the energy to follow ds up the stairs all day but ds has never approached from the top in what i would call a safe manner. Lungeing yes. Safe (ish) no.

I think that all parents are 'attached' to their DCs-seems one of those irritating terms.

Always thought of it as physical attachment. At least in my life it is as she's moved from Sling on my hip to a mei tai on my back. She's in the bed with me for naps and sleeping at night. Definitely more literally attached than she would have been if she slept in a cot and travelled in a pram. Drinks her milk attached to my boob, no one else gives her that so another attachment.

I thought the Attachment bit was cause it was based on Bowlby's attachment theory

MoonFaceMama is right according to here Wikipedia.

Thanks, MFM - I'm always happy to learn something new. :)