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Original poster

Older parents?

31 replies

jabed · 08/04/2011 10:34

Hi, feeling a bit isolated and would like to know if there are any older parents around?
DW and self are mature parents with a first (and only) child and finding a lot of prejudice. Anyone met this?

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MCos · 08/04/2011 15:39

I guess I'm an older parent - 45 and kids are 7 & 9. I'm 10-15 yrs older than many of the other parents of their classmates. But there are a very few others around my own age. However, I haven't found any issue with this.

nickelbabyhatcher · 08/04/2011 15:46

I worry about this too - I'm 34, (will be 35 when it's born), so not that old (and i act a lot younger too! ) but DH will be 50, and I'm convinced people will do "is he the dad, is he the grandad, the great grandad, the great grandad's grandad?"

midnightexpress · 08/04/2011 15:50

There's a thread on here somewhere for 'fab and over 40' or something similar parents. I was 39 and 40 when I had my DC, and there are a few of us over 40s at ds1's school. Is your DC at school yet? I found the 1st few years a bit isolating, not particularly because of my age, I must say, but now that ds1 has started school it's improved hugely. But no, haven't found much in the way of prejudice.

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ExitPursuedByALamb · 08/04/2011 15:55

I was 40 when I had DD and she is an only. She is 11 now. Some similar aged parents at school but an awful lot younger. My DH is quite a bit older than me too.

Do you mean prejudice on MN or generally in RL? I have never experienced anything but I am pretty thick skinned.

Some one did accuse me of being one of DD's friends mother's mother once (iyswim) which left me a bit red faced.

Bluebell99 · 08/04/2011 16:10

When I had my first child in 1999 I met loads of older parents. I was 31, so not exactly young myself, but lots of my new friends were in their forties and late thirties. Maybe it is down to the area. Met alot of older parents through NCT classes and coffee mornings, but also several I met through the local midwife classes were in their late thirties.
My mum had me at 35 and was considered old. I remember a friend mistaking her for my nan when she collected me from a party when I was about 10. IMHO older parents are more common now.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 08/04/2011 16:11

DH and I are older parents, he's 48, i'm 43 and our DD is 3.10yrs old.

My sister is 38, her OH is 40 and they are about (any day ) to have their 2nd child together

I don't say I've met with prejudice as such, but lots of assumptions that we are the grandparents.

I've 'cheated' in the fact I have older children by a previous partner, the younger of the 2 of those was 19yrs when his sister was born.

I have to say I found far more prejudice as a younger parent than an older one

2BoysTooLoud · 08/04/2011 18:56

I'm 44 with a 5 year old and toddler. I'm not noticing prejudice.. What are you experiencing?

mindtheagegap · 08/04/2011 21:27

I'm 41 and have a 23 year old and a 18 month old. So was a frowned upon teenage parent and now a frowned upon 'old' parent! My DH is 53 and when he was out with DD the other day someone asked if he was 'doing his grandfatherly duty' ! Luckily what others think doesn't bother him (or me). I agree that there's much more prejudice towards younger parents.

Ragwort · 08/04/2011 21:31

I get a bit of 'disapproval' (had my DS when I was 43) and we do get odd looks and asked the 'grandparent' question sometimes.

Also my DS is now getting to the embarrassed stage and commenting about my grey hair .

Not sure what the answer is -the positive bit in our case is that we are financially secure and not having to rush around juggling career/childminding/money etc etc - just as well as I am knackered most of the time .

DuelingFanjo · 08/04/2011 21:33

I was 40 when I had DS, probably will be my only child. Don't want to be used in any kind of article though ;) (this is just a precaution!)

funny isn't it, there's a thread on here at the moment about being a mum in your twenties where someone else feels equally isolated.

LeaveMeSleeping · 08/04/2011 21:39

I'm 38 and DD is 5 months old.

I've not had any problems, I go to lots of groups where there are several mums in their late thirties/early forties. I was worried I'd be the oldest but not so at all.

tallulah · 08/04/2011 21:48

I'm 47, DH is 50 tomorrow and we have a DD who has just turned 4. We have never been mistaken for her GPs, tho her sister (25) has been mistaken for her mum.

Like beaker, we found more prejudice the other end when we were in our 20s with 4 LOs.

DuelingFanjo · 08/04/2011 22:00

I wonder what it will be like when DS is 10? I will be 51. Perhaps that's when I will start getting the 'grandparent' thing!

ChristinedePizan · 08/04/2011 22:04

Ooh I hadn't thought about someone thinking I'm a GP. Bound to happen soon though (am 46 with a 4YO). I do look waaaaay younger than his actual GPs :o

lightwind · 11/04/2011 09:02

I'm an older mum. I'm 43, my son is 3. I do find that I don't seem drawn to mum-kid activities. Less energy, at a different place in my life, not very into small talk. Also, I grew up in a different country, so am still trying to connect with the way things are done out here, still feels a bit alien even though I've lived here for 18 yrs. I had just about got the hang of life in the UK when I was at work, and had begun to feel that I could fit in, then I became a mum at 40. It feels like mums inhabit a whole different world, and I'm starting from scratch again. Also have chosen to stay at home with my son until he starts full time school.
Yes, its different, being older. I haven't experienced prejudice, but I do feel cut off.

notinmypocket · 11/04/2011 12:21

I had DD (first and only) when I and DP were both 37. I never encountered any looks from anyone else.
A couple of my work colleagues became mothers around the same age, so it never seemed a worry to me.
IMO it is common and acceptable to have a child later in life these days.

OP, how old are you? You might be much older than the average age of the posters and I hope we did not scare you off?

I would not even have classed myself as an old parent but most other replies were my age that is why I posted too.

Bunbaker · 11/04/2011 12:25

"and finding a lot of prejudice. Anyone met this?"

No, not at all. I was 41 and OH was 48 when DD was born. We have never come across any kind of prejudice about our ages. It helps that we look younger than our years.

ChristinedePizan · 11/04/2011 13:17

I haven't experienced any prejudice at all - the other mothers at my DS's preschool range from 20s-40s. We're all mums :)

quickchat · 11/04/2011 20:24

MCos Im so curious as to where you live?
I find it really surprising that being 45 with a 7 & 9 yr old is at all different nowadays?
Im even more surprised that the other classmates parents were all around 21-26 when they had their kids?

Not that either is 'wrong', just more unusual for it to swing to the younger majority IYSWIM.

Maybe it does come down to area then.

I had my 2 at 30.5 & 33. I felt young when I had my first as none of my friends were even thinking about it. They seemed to be having their first when I was having my second.

Katy1368 · 12/04/2011 09:36

jabed - I was 37 and DP 43 when we had DD (now 3) and I must say I haven't met any prejudice but I do live in London where it is very common, in fact almost all of the mums I met at NCT were in their late 30's. DD will remain an only too (through choice) and I must admit there is a little bit of stupidness around that, silly remarks about selfish and lonely onlies which are nonsense and irritate me slightly but at the end of the day I am happy and lucky to have 1 so I don't let it get to me.

Beamur · 12/04/2011 09:44

I was 37 when I had DD, DP was 44. Where we live 'older' seems to be more of the norm than very young anyway. I don't think he's ever been mistaken for being her Grandparent. There's a Mum at DD's school who was 45 when she had her daughter and I think her partner might be slightly older.

Its not that unusual really and I think to err on the safe side and not offend anyone, I'd never make a comment that suggested a carer was a parent/grandparent until I knew for sure.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 12/04/2011 10:11

Beamur

yes, the person who called me DD's 'nanna' was a HCP!

Fair enough, I had been up all night with poorly DD, but I was shocked that she had made this assumption, I even opened a thread on MN about it

Pleiades45 · 12/04/2011 10:28

My mother had me when she was 49. Back then it wasn't heard of much and I know we all felt the effects of it. I never got to do any of the parent and toddler stuff because my mother felt out of place and never had the energy to join in the rotas for looking after the groups. The assumption was always that she was Grandma. My parents kept low profiles at any school social events and refused to accompany me to get my A Level certs. However, I wouldn't change my childhood or my parents who sadly are no longer here.

I am now 42 and have 3 children (5,4 &3). It's more common to be this age and I don't feel any of the social stigma that my parents did. I do however, feel that it can be hard keeping up with my small ones all of the time and marvel at how my mum coped so well. There are pros & cons to being young or old, I wouldn't worry about what people think or assume. I'm happy with my little bundles and they are well balanced children - that's what matters.

TheNextMrsBuble · 12/04/2011 11:19

I'm 43 and have an 11 mo DS. I absolutely don't feel too old, nor have I met any prejudice. I'm in a much much better place financially and as a whole person than I was when I was in my 20s, and would opt every time to be an older parent than a very young one. I know now that I can devote the necessary time and attention to my DS because I'm not worried that I'm missing out on opportunities for my social life and/or career as I would have been in my 20s. Older parents have a lot more to offer a child, stop putting us down!

exoticfruits · 12/04/2011 11:29

Not at all-I have never met prejudice-in fact I rather felt for the young mum of 24yrs last week who was meeting prejudice-she was the abnormal one and having to point out that she had a degree, DH and nice house and it was a life choice! Even now that I have older DCs I don't feel out of place.

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